alleywayambush Reviews

Just William (1977–1978)

EXCELLENT ! The One ITV Play that was NOT Mediocre Tripe !

[9/10 · 29 November 2023]

I remember the mid-90's TV production of Just William, and it's quite feeble, what with William basically portrayed as a nicely-spoken ponce as oppose to the ruffian he's supposed to be - as depicted in the books of Richmal Crompton.

THIS PRODUCTION HOWEVER IS BRILLIANT ! William - despite being from an upper-middle-class background - is a cockney ruffian who lives as a philanthropist and/or an 'outlaw' terror - depending on your perspective ! He is aided by his band of 'outlaws' - Ginger, Douglas & Henry, as well as the ninnyish Violet Elizabeth Bott. Trying to help people in the community, he nonetheless causes terror and trouble for all, especially his family !

Adrian Dannatt played William, but unfortunately gave up acting afterwards; he appears to have acted in a couple of 'shorts' but nothing else. Kinda disappointing considering how effectively he capture the good natured but outlandish character of William. Future stage dancer & Dr. Who actress Bonnie Langford brought laughter to the show with her portrayal of Violet Elizabeth Bott. Superficially quite a priss, what with her Victorian-style locks, frilly dresses and heavy lisp, she actually turns out quite the outlaw William and his friends are; not afraid to get filthy when "Spwing-Cleenin" and happy to handle snakes ! Diana Dors played her mother, basically a diamond-smeered Northern pleb trying to better herself by pronouncing her 'H' in the right places!

Generally this was a simple, funny and enlightening production, perfect for family evening TV or a Christmas get-together. The Christmas episode itself was particularly amusing - partly based on one of Crompton's original stories. Undesirable presents, boisterous boy carol singers and William's notorious playing of Father Christmas provided many laughs; practically a parody of the season!

Let's give it 9/10 for being simple, funny, vibrant, and a much-needed alternative to the usual mediocre and highly unfunny comedy ITV is scolded for !

My Father the Hero (1994)

BEAUTIFUL ! Simple, Aesthetic & Feel-Good Fun (if a tad silly)

[9/10 · 27 November 2023]

Many people may dismiss this film as a mindless and superficial embarrassment of their youth, but I say it's a proper simple, beautiful, feel-good family(ish) comedy; a nostalgic delight much forgotten for the worse.

Quite a basic (if slightly silly) plot. Set in a luxury Caribbean beach resort, a confused teenage girl and her French divorcee father share a holiday to make up for years of one another's absence. In order to impress a local boy, the girl makes up an absurd story about her father actually being her lover, in order to seem 'grown up'. Subsequently he has to endure much contempt and discrimination from the other holidaymakers, while persistently telephoning his fiancee, dropping hints of potential marriage.

The great thing about this film requires no introduction; the beautiful Caribbean location and the holiday setting. Uplifting and 'feel-good' throughout - even in the bleakest parts of the story, the setting alone is a reason to watch; beautiful skimpily-clad girls, teal blue open sea, gold sand, palm trees and everyone having a lovely warm sunny holiday. Sure the resort in the Bahamas where it was shot would have been very expensive and possibly manufactured and 'spoiled', but nonetheless it bares that tender, uplifting naturalistic beauty. (hey, go to a similar Scottish beach if you want something completely unspoiled !)

Another thing that's particularly significant about this film is the era-neutral cultural style. Although made in 1994, there is little or no reference to contemporary popular culture. Sure, Catherine Heigl (the teen girl) could have had the blonde bob, skinny-fit t-shirts & PVC miniskirts of that lurid mid-90's 'Britpop' era. Instead, she had natural long hair and simple, traditional floral dresses that perhaps looked a tad 'mumsy' for a girl her age. I suppose the naturalistic Caribbean setting itself was quite neutral of contemporary fads and trends, as was the simple West Indian local culture. Basically, it's a mid-90's film that looks like it could have been shot in the 80's, the 70's even. Even the neon-type opening titles seemed dated by 1994. Perhaps the calypso-pop - as performed throughout the film by The Baha Men - is the nearest hint of the era, what with similar reggae-pop being all the chart rage back then !

Regarding the film's characters, I suppose it requires no introduction that the girl is quite annoying, what with her neurotic and potentially dangerous lies about her murderer-robber-jailbird father, as well as her cliched drama Queen quotes; "He'll hate me Daddy - I'm gonna die if I don't see him !" Also goes without saying that in real life everyone would have assumed right from the off that she was just saying her father was her lover in order to try and impress, especially since she calls him 'Daddy' and he has an open platonic relationship with another holidaymaker (redhead Faith Prince).

All in all, I give in 9/10 for being simple, naturalistic and beautiful, enlightening and generally feel-good classic fun.

The Silver Chair (1990)

Best of the 3 BBC Narnia Adaptations - Down-To-Earth, Funny, and Good Professional Acting.

[9/10 · 14 November 2023]

So this is it. The best of the 3 BBC Narnia Series, and ironically the last (We never did find out why the latter 3 books were never created by the BBC).

If the 1st 2 series had their flaws, this was near perfect ! Gone was the twee childish amateur pantomime of the Lion... (if by all means basically a good series), as were the pseudo-heroics of Reepacheep and the equally aggressive royal arrogance of King Caspian (and everyone else) in Series 2.

This series felt more mature, professional and generally down-to-earth, like it might have been marketed to a slightly older age category (sure, they didn't mind portraying Tom Baker in drunken mode !). Gone were the slightly poncey Pevensey children, replaced with 'Pole' and Eustace, 2 more neutral and modest children with no royal 'superiority' to their names. Sure Kings and Princes persisted, but without their being arrogantly portrayed as heroic deities.

The actors and their characters were a marked improvement:-

Camilla Powers portrayed schoolgirl Jill Pole as both strong and vulnerable, as obvious right from the series' 1st scene where she is bullied by a circle of peers and appears both self-assured and feisty; "I thought this was a modern school where people were respected for their rights...if I don't even have a right to my own name!"

David Thwaites portrayed Eustace as a boy of newfound integrity and subsequent vulnerability; his transformed nature and softly-spoken voice come as a surprise to Jill, who accepts him right from the start, while accepting the bully among the pack that he once was.

Tom Baker's casting as the cynical 'Puddleglum' may have come as a slight surprise; who could have guessed that an actor infamous for playing so paramount a BBC hero as Dr. Who would be cast in an ultra-low-budget children's production !

Barbara Kellerman reappears as another cute and stunning but evil woman. If the 'queen' she portrayes here is perhaps a tad generic - perhaps too similar the the White Witch, it came as a shock in the last episode when she suddenly transforms into a giant snake !

Warwick Davis reappears, this time as an owl. Fellow little actor Mike Edmonds (AKA 'Little Ron' from Maid Marian and her Merry Men) also plays an owl. Both masked actors are distinctively present through their voices; even Warwick's movements appear distinctly his !

As the last series of the BBC Narnia production, the end of the final episode is when Aslan finally confirms his allegorical presence as Jesus Christ; "You will see me again in your world, but there I go by another name...learn it well, that's why you were sent to Narnia." Sure this could possibly be looked upon as a disappointing anti-climax to non-Christians - as if they've been watching 3 whole series just to be deceived and unsuccessfully brainwashed ! I guess you have to not take that 'climax' too seriously or literally !

So lets give it 9/10 for its professional acting, integrity of characters, down-to-earth vibe and obviously for being another simple, low-budget BBC childrens' fantasy series; perhaps a warm-up for the BBC's excellent adaptation of Mary Norton's 'The Borrowers' 2 years later !

Fame (2009)

Kay Panabaker & Bebe Neuwirth's Angelic Cuteness aside, it's a Feeble 21st Century Remake, Caught Up in the Contemporary Street Dance Trend !

[4/10 · 11 November 2023]

Lets get straight to the point !

2 extremely cute girls are present here - Kay Panabaker & Bebe Neuwirth; cute, refined & angelic girls both teenage and mature. Kay - now a zoolologist - was a tiny endearing 18-year-old cutie, and dark ballerina Bebe looked incredible for 50. I guess these 2 girls alone are a reason to watch !

The cute girls aside, this is a typical feeble 21st century remake; kinda aimed at younger 'millennials'. As a turn-of-the-00's film, it is archetypal of the 'street dance' trend of the day; all hip-hop-orientated 'urban' music and dance.

Regarding the characters, none of the original characters are present, even if some new characters are based on them; the troubled black kid resembles Leeroy and Kay Panabaker's character kinda resembles Doris. Not to forget a near suicide at a train station by a suspended student. Charles S. Dutton did a good performance as a sensitive drama teacher, even if Bebe Neuwirth's character was at times mean to the students with her 'witty' remarks; kinda reflective of the nature of the original 1980 teachers I guess !

The plot has very little relevance to the original. Sure, the basic theme of pushing yourself to your absolute boundaries to succeed in the elitist and competitive world of performing arts persists, and I believe the film is about the same New York PA school. Otherwise it has no real relevance to the original.

Let's give it 4/10 for at least having the 2 really cute, refined and adorable girls, as well as Charles S. Dutton's sincere performance, even if the rest in just generic 21st Century trendy tripe !

The Death Merchant (1991)

It's a Thriller B-Film - it's Supposed to be Trashy; Give It A Chance ! (Besides, it has some Cute & Stunning Girls in it !)

[5/10 · 30 May 2023]

So sure, you can't expect too much from these trashy 80's/early 90's B-Films, be horror/splatter, fantasy or thrillers.

Sure, the plot is sloppy and hard to follow (or maybe we just tune off out of boredom !) and otherwise quite generic (probably both !).

However, there sure are some cute and stunning girls throughout ! (the evil 'sultry' sidekicks !) The dark 'continental' one at the start in the lace miniskirt and black tights; real elegant beauty ! The white-clad one innocently bending over showing off raised miniskirt, lace-top stockings and knickers; cute and angelic ! Not to forget the good and innocent young blonde stunner at the start & end.

Give it 5/10 for the cute and stunning girls, the superficial entertainment (hard to follow as it is) and the feel-good, trashy-but-classy 80's/early 90's aesthetic & cultural style.

St. Trinian's (2007)

Funny, Vibrant, True To the Original - And Parodic of Youth Culture, and a Starting Role for Many Actresses; NOT another naff re-make !

[8/10 · 9 May 2023]

When you think of re-makes, you generally think of cheap, trendy, faddy and 'naff' tripe that is intended to appeal to the current youth generation, with little relevance to the integrity, class and sincerity of the original. However, THIS IS THE EXCEPTION; THIS IS GOOD !

True to the original St. Trinian's films from around the 60's - even the original cartoon strip images are featured at the starting credits - it has the traditional formula of younger girls with straw hats and hockey sticks running around neurotically, and older flirtatious and saucy girls - with short skirts and stocking-tops abundant - up to even higher notoriety! Once again, the headteacher and her brother are played by the same male actor (Rupert Everett), and other classic characters like Flash Harry and the cute, alluring foreign language teacher also appear. I believe this film's theme of saving the school from closure also appeared in the original film franchise.

Much of this film's humour and distinct character revolves around parodying contemporary youth culture. They're all present - antisocial chavs, depressive emos/goths, seductive posh tarts, etc. Despite this contemporary pop cultural abundance, the film never diverts from merely parodying it, sparing the film of any trendy naffness; even the line of girls walking in slow-motion across Trafalgar Square is purely a send-up of Resevoir Dogs ! However, the one part of the film that does have a more sincere element of pop culture is the 'dance' across the electric beams in the painting-heist scene; a classy bit of 'choreography' set to Sophie Ellis Bextor's music !

A particularly special thing about this film is that it served as a starting point for many of the young actresses, before they were that famous. Lily Cole (sooo cute as the 'nerd' !) and Gemma Arterton (the headgirl) both made their acting debuts in this film. It also features Paloma Faith prior to her singing career and Tallulah Riley prior to marrying Elon Musk (I'm thinking it too !).

Also featured are Russell Brand - at the height of his career - as Flash Harry, and Colin Firth as the government education minister. Even Girls Aloud make a (surprisingly) good, classy appearance as the party singers at the end !

Let's give it 8/10 for being a funny, vibrant, fun and classy film, and a good British alternative to much of the mass-media's mediocrity and trash that came out of the 00's !

Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging (2008)

A Portrayal of the Most Cheap, 'Teenybopping' and generally Naff Sector of Youth Culture in the Late-00's !

[2/10 · 14 April 2023]

Here we have a VERY seedy, predictable and basically naff teen 'comedy' from the late-00's.

Basically, a middle-class privately-educated 14-year-old girl from Eastbourne (say no more !) dumbs herself down from the modest down-to-earth girl she is at the start of the film, and spends the duration of the film trying to be 'cool' and trendy (sad really !). Expect the socio-cultural tackiest: (now obsolete) teen magazines, lurid-coloured bedroom interiors, plastic-alternative clothes (enough of that in late-00's !), chasing a 'sex-God' boy (for popularity, NOT true desire) and attempting to be popular by throwing a big nightclub-based birthday party, but always dodging wearing thongs which are "from Vulgaria" (what a priss !).

The characters and the cultural setting are very mediocre, trendy and basically low, and portrays the reality of British private school kids; cheap, stupid, impressionable and degenerate, as opposed to the sophisticated academic traditionists they're often wrongly stereotyped as ! The kids all have disgusting sweep/slant fringes (save the 'sex-God' boys' equally 'sexy' brother who's ironically a skinhead !), vulgar striped emo clothes, annoying Southern accents - both posh AND slobbish, seedy 00's power-pop music (similar to emo acts like 30STM & MCR; aarrgghh !), and the age-old and cliched pursuit of desperately wanting a boyfriend for the wrong reasons; to be popular and 'cool'. And one fascinating part is when the boyfriend says his band (real life band Stiff Dylans with him fictionally bunged in) make music about "how we're brainwashed by reality TV". Oh the irony; kids like this ARE basically reality TV !

Yes, by the end of the film you may very well find yourself either reaching for the sick bucket, or otherwise watching Cannibal Holocaust, Salo or something really nasty in order to 'denaff' yourself !

There is however the odd positive thing to say. Alan Davies plays the girl's father, and a cute, buxom actress called Karen Taylor plays her mother. The real-life 00's power-pop band 'Stiff Dylans' - vulgar boy-band with guitars as they are - at least do a cover of FYC's 'Ever Fallen In Love' during their cameo on-stage appearance.

Let's give it 2 out of 10 for the cute mother, the FYC song (naff a version as it is !) and an insight into just how low youth culture - and private-school kids alike - had really sunk in the late-00's !

Skins (2007–2013)

MILLENNIALS (before the term existed) - Cheap, Trendy, & Degenerate Suburban 6th-Formers Ruining Their Lives Before They've Even Started ! (NOT particularly original !)

[4/10 · 23 March 2023]

Back in the late 00's I saw bits of this when switching the channels. I properly watched this a couple of days ago (2023 - bought Series 3 DVD S/H). I seemed to remember it being about (relatively) respectable 6th-formers, portraying their good AND bad sides. Watching this properly for the 1st time, HOW WRONG I WAS !

Basically it's about full-blown cheap, trendy, impressionable, completely degenerate and generally lowest-of-the-low suburban teens - 'bettering' themselves with 6th form - who are aggressively influenced with the lowest sectors of pop culture, subsequently leading a life of (morally underage) promiscuous sex - two-timing galore, binge-drinking, drugs, violent bar fighting, and just basically existing as a manufactured pop culture cartoon archetype; SAD REALLY !

I guess the cheap, trendy, degenerate and generally low socio-cultural lifestyle is obvious through the vulgar fashions present throughout. Sure, the whole plastic rock'n'nroll culture that has plagued the 21st century is abundant here. Longish fuzzy hair with slanted sweep fringes, tacky bright dark colours, plastic stud leather, and the whole 'emo' style of the late 00's; pass the bucket !

I've tries to look for meaning in this show. Sure, it's easy to compare it to Larry Clark's 'Kids' (1995), except Kids was literally an objective, realistic and educational portrayal of New York teens on a downward spiral; they were portrayed as villains, NOT heroes. Skins appears to be practically promoting such a way of life ! The characters are portrayed in a dramatic, sentimental way that asks for sympathy from the viewer. I for one have no sympathy whatsoever for such degenerates !

Let's give it 4/10 for at least being superficially entertaining and at times funny ! NOWT ELSE !

L.A. Story (1991)

Original, Feel-Good, Witty Metaphorical Imagery, Classy & Generally Brilliant; NOT Just Another Mediocre Steve Martin 90's Comedy !

[10/10 · 13 March 2023]

When being presented with a 1990's Comedy Drama with Steve Martin, you may cringe and think of the regular All-American Hollywood trash he acted in throughout the decade. (we know the films in question !) Regarding LA Story, THIS IS THE POLAR OPPOSITE ! This is a highly original, witty, classy, fun, aesthetic, feel-good and basically spectacular film which is a well needed breathe of fresh air from the aforementioned trash which we usually associate with Steve Martin !

Basically, Martin plays an eccentric LA weather reporter who is bored of the 1980's/early-90's smug yuppy culture which he has been indoctrinated into. He meets an English newspaper reporter (Victoria Tennant) who provides him with a fresh slice of unpretentious socio-culture nurturing, and a subsequent genuine romance (among the numerous unsuccessful romances he has throughout).

The really unique aspect of this film is the witty & comical use of surreal & metaphorical occurences; incidents and imagery that are not literally occuring, but suggest the chaotic routine and questionable nature of Los Angeles culture. To name a few, the armed mugger who says "Hi. I'll be your mugger for this evening", the shoot-out during the 'murderous' freeway rush hour, pedestrian signs saying "Uh, like Walk", and Martin/Tennant spontaneously transforming into children during their 'magical' relationship. Not to forget the paramount electric road sign that speaks to him of his destiny; "The weather will change your life - twice".

While the film does capture the more aesthetic and enlightening side of LA culture - bikini-clad girls, botanical restaurants, white houses, etc, giving the film a feel-good mood and style, it never condones or promotes 'yuppydom'. This film is essentially a surreal satire of such culture, and is basically about Steve Martin's way out. (through English nurturing; excuse the bias !)

regarding the actors - Martin & Tennant aside, Richard E Grant and Patrick Stewart provide another English twist as Tennant's ex-husband and a Gestapo-style Maitre-D respectively, and Sarah Jessica Parker plays one of Martin's numerous love interests. Various actors make un-credited cameo appearances; Chevy Chase, Woody Harrelson, and an English-speaking bloke who looks a lot like Rick Moranis.(?) And just who is Marilu Henner ?

Al-in-all, lets give it a fair 10/10 for being original, feel-good, witty, classy and generally perfect.

S Club 7 Go Wild! (2000– )

NOT an SC7 Fan, BUT that Idyllic Malaysian Tropical Island & Tina in Bikini - DIVINE !

[8/10 · 9 March 2023]

What can I say? I saw this back in 2000 (aged 18 - I know !) but what the hell, that Malaysian episode was exquisitely uplifting and so beautiful !

Tina and Jo on that little tropical island - pale sand, clear water, lush vegetation, and Tina in those shimmery navy swim knickers; uplifting, enlightening, alluring and DIVINE !

Tina and Jo on that little tropical island - pale sand, clear water, lush vegetation, and Tina in those shimmery navy swim knickers; uplifting, enlightening, alluring and DIVINE !

Say no more - beautiful girl in bikini on beautiful little tropical island; enough said !

Robin Hood (1984–1986)

Cute Judi Trott as Marion, Beautiful Clannad Score, Definitive 80's Robin Hood

[6/10 · 17 January 2023]

Being born in 1982, I'm too young to remember this from back in the day. (I only saw it for 1st time around 2020) What I can say is that this production certainly provided (slightly older) kids of the 80's with their screen 'prototype' of the mythological icon Robin Hood, kind of the equivalent of what Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves meant to someone of my age, only more organic and traditional; less Americanized !

Sure, the programme itself is perhaps just another cheesy 80's fantasy production (if not as much as RH:POT !), and sure, such fantasy kitsch can only be so original, and subsequently quite generic ! But it does have its distinct attributes.

For a start, trained ballerina Judi Trott was a very cute, tender, petite and refined Maid Marian, and a particularly confident and talented actress considering she was only 20-years-old in the 1st series.

Other actors included Clive Mantle as Little John; think Casualty, Bottom, Vicar Of Dibley and the 1996 UK stage production of 'Of Mice And Men'. 'Cockney geezer hardman' Ray Winstone was an unexpected choice of actor for Will Scarlett; in the old mid-20th century screen productions of Robin Hood he was typically portrayed as quite camp !

Another substantial element was the tender, harmonic and enlightening theme tune by Clannad; quite evocative of the 'magical' natural forest setting. I believe they did the other music in the production too.

All in all, lets give it 6/10 for cute actresses, enlightening music and an iconic 80's interpretation of old robin Hood, even if it's otherwise yet another quite cheesy and generic 80's fantasy production.

Deathstalker (1983)

Maria Fournery - Extremely Cute, Luscious Girl - That Posterior ! (Otherwise another Trashy Fantasy B-Film from Early-80's)

[8/10 · 23 December 2022]

So, here we have another of those trashy, goofy sword'n'sorcery B-films from the early 80's, in the same vain as 'Hawk The Slayer' & 'The Sword And The Sorcerer'. As with the latter, expect plenty of semi-naked women (with stunning bare bottoms !) in precarious and gratuitously sexual situations with 'hungry' warriors, both 'good' AND bad !

The thing that makes this one particularly substantial is Maria Fournery, an extremely cute and luscious little French actress ! With her cute, tender little face with those dark beady eyes and those cute little flat and pronounced lips, and that absolutely fabulous bottom - little, chunky, round, protruding, pert, firm and perfect, she's absolutely angelic and adorable, like she could only exist in a fantasy world ! (shame about the 80's mullet-perm mind !)

Let's give it 8/10 for maria Fournery's cute, luscious and angelic beauty, as well as for being another tacky & hilariously bad class-of-the-80's fantasy B-film !

Jack (1996)

Regular 90's All-American Hollywood Vulgarity, but I LOVE THE BUXOM 'MARTINI' GIRL !

[5/10 · 14 December 2022]

Here we have another feeble mid-late 90's piece of kids' Hollywood mediocre trash.

Robin Williams plays Jack, a 10-year-old with a rapid growth disorder, who after years of isolation from the outside world, tries to fit in with the regular vulgar primitive suburban local boys. Yes, another film epitomizing the 1990's pre-teen brigade of girls in dainty dolls clothes and boys in baggy clothes 10 sizes too big for them, behaving like apes (perhaps an insult to apes !) and being gradually indoctrinated into the All-American rat-race 'dream'; perhaps Jack was better off being locked away from the world !

One good thing about the film: I love the 'cocktail-glass' party girl at the beginning - actress Helen Shumaker, with the fabulous little, chunky and curvy figure in a white bodystocking; she looked SO cute and luscious !

Sure, Robin Williams delivered another good eccentric performance as another 'otherworldly' character with all his distinctive hilarious characteristics. He managed to capture a 10-year-old's personality and behaviour quite convincingly.

Let's give it 5/10 for - Helen Shumaker's cute stunning figure aside - al least being superficially amusing, with a good act by Williams.

The Borrowers (1992)

Iconic Classic British Childrens' TV - Simple, Fun, and Highly Evocative of Happy Old Early 90's

[10/10 · 13 December 2022]

I watched a DVD of this last night for the 1st time since seeing its original run on TV in Nov/Dec 1992; exactly 30 years to the day it would appear !

This production is highly (and I mean highly !) evocative of happy days in the early 90's, when the world was a far more wholesome and decent place! It's from the days when the BBC would create a simple production - particularly childrens' productions, with professional yet simple acting, simple sets, simple graphics, and just generally reflective of simpler days.

Essentially it's based on the classic childrens' books by Mary Norton; sadly she died just a few months before this was put on TV ! The 'Borrowers' - little people just a few inches tall, live under floorboards or inside shoes and kettles, and 'borrow' food and essential commodities from the 'big' (ie: human) people, while trying to escape their cruel means of 'pest control'.

The lifestyle and object proportions are cleverly and perfectly executed throughout. Clothes made from carpet with enormous buttons, jumbo-sized cordage, pans made from bottle tops with paper clips attached, playing cards for wallpaper, dolls' house utensils and furniture, even humungous pencils being held by the nib. All kinda suggestive of 'Honey, I Shrunk The Kids' !

Unlike many BBC childrens' productions that use otherwise unknown actors - particularly children, there is a relatively high-profile set here. Ian Holm and Penelope Wilton play the parents of Arietty, played by 17-year-old Rebecca Callard, whose extremely cute, tender, refined and adorable looks made her the perfect candidate to play an innocent coming-of-age youngster who was basically younger than 17 !

Lets give it 10/10 for being just about perfect; simple, wholesome, fun, and iconic of an era of much better culture and much better days !

Father Christmas (1991 TV Short)

Simple, Innovative, Funny & Feel-Good - Quite a Departure from The (poignant and sombre) Snowman

[10/10 · 12 December 2022]

Here is a perfect example of classic childrens' entertainment that reflects the wholesome simplicity of The UK in the early 1990's.

From Raymond Griggs - creator of 'The Snowman', this short film is a fresh and innovative concept of Father Christmas. As a cockney living in the London suburbs, he spends the year directly after Christmas travelling round the world in his reindeer-drawn-sledge-turn-caravan, further confirming his status as an ordinary bloke.

This original portrayal of the seasons' icon is comparable to Rupert Bear's Father Christmas living in a castle in the clouds. Father Xmas' accessories - snow goggles, raincoat, umbrella, lunchbox with 'UXO' cubes, headlight on sledge - add further definition to the modern twist.

The aesthetic style and mood of this film are a vast departure from The Snowman. The latter perhaps lacks aesthetic finessed with its pencil sketch style, and has a mood/atmosphere that's too sombre, sentimental and poignant for some. This film however has a more sharp, vibrant and conventional cartoon visual style, and a more easy, feel-good and obviously humorous mood and vibe to match.

Regarding humour, this film is basically a comedy. For a grumpy Father Christmas who says 'Blooming' every few seconds, cockney comedian Mel Smith appeared the perfect candidate for his voice !

A feel-good atmosphere is abundant. The humour aside, the holiday scenes are a fresh, enlightening departure from the cold snowscape we normally associate with Father Christmas, particularly the Las Vegas poolside scene (I love the waitress in white brazil-bikini !). Subsequently, this film can be enjoyed all year round, hence the all-year-round time span and holiday theme of the film. (Sure, me and my sister watched this repeatedly during Easter Holidays '94 !)

So, lets give it 10/10 for being original, funny, enlightening and near-perfect !

The Essential Lovers' Guide (1996 Video)

Use as a Reference to 'Conventional Sex Culture' in the 1990's, NOT as a Personal Manual !

[2/10 · 9 December 2022]

Here we have a 1990's video 'sex guide'. NOT a full-blown depraved sex guide as typical of contemporary corrupt late-90's 'lad / ladette' culture, but much more respectable and generally normal; an 'adult-orientated' form of sex as more typical of the more wholesome early 1990's.

The content is still of questionable amorous and moral value. Sure, there's couples on all-fours, oral activity and other lewd debauchery that suggests a false form of sex that's about cheap physical 'jollies' rather than the genuine act of physical and emotional sexual intimacy. It's also controversial for some of the 'real life couples' actually NOT being so !

Let's give it 2/10 for at least being an objective socio-cultural reference to (some of) society's approach to sex in contemporary 1990's. DO NOT USE AS A PERSONAL MANUAL ! (Figure out real sexual intimacy and love for yourself !)

Tokyo Fetish (2017 Video)

Glamour, NOT 'Dark Fetish' !

[5/10 · 8 December 2022]

3 cute little Japanese girls show off their bodies by slowly undressing from their swimsuits and dresses. No speech, no fellow actors, no proper sets or even acting; just pure glamour modelling.

Hardly the 'dark fetish porn' this is marketed as, it's actually quite naive and innocent. The most you see is 'outer lips' showing through the sides of knickers, as well as the girls caressing their bodies ! The cuteness of the 3 girls just adds to the innocence and naiveness, as do the quite respectable and even 'preppy' outfits.

Lets give it 5/10 for being a tad boring (after a while) but still quite cute, sensual and alluring.

Tokyo Fetish (2017 Video)

Not so much 'dark fetish porn' as mere Glamour Modelling

[5/10 · 7 December 2022]

Quite a straight forward 1 hour film. 3 cute little Japanese girls slowly reveal their bodies in 'cutesy' little outfits - knickers abundant, and caress themselves in a sexual way. No speech, no fellow actors, no sets, no outdoor shots, no acting even; just pure glamour modelling.

Hardly the 'dark fetish porn' this film has been marketed as; you'd find more lewd, vulgar and extreme stuff on the top shelf of the newsagents ! The most you see here is the models' outer labia as they pull their knickers up at the front; you'd potentially see as much on the beach ! It's all quite lightweight and harmless really.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

THE Best Kids' / Fantasy Film: Original Idea, Overwhelming Sets, Infectious James Horner Score.

[10/10 · 6 December 2022]

Many people of my age (born early 80's) will say this is the 1st film they ever saw at the cinema. ('twas the 2nd film I saw at cinema, after Ghostbusters II)

What we have is a highly original fantasy plot and style. Forget all those sword'n'sorcery, sci-fi and other cliched fantasy films that we've seen too many times before; this is a ground-breaking fantasy form (that was never 'copycated', for the better I guess). There's a possible similarity to 'Land Of The Giants' mind !

Otherwise set in real-life contemporary turn-of-the-80's, a mad scientist's (Rick Moranis) shrinking machine accidentally shrinks his 2 children (and the 2 boys next door) to the size of ants. After the scientist (unknowingly) sweeps them up off the floor - into a black sack and disposes of them by the road, they have to make a deadly and extravagant journey across the suburban back garden (of all deadly and extravagant settings !) and back to the scientist to be put back to normal.

The set in this film - organic and pre-computer animation - was aesthetically beautiful and quite thought-provoking; an ordinary suburban back garden would in fact look like the deepest part of the Amazon if you were that small ! Extra realistic definition is brought to the set, courtesy of a giant Lego brick - and toy dinosaur to match, and a (animatronic) ant, and scorpion to match ! Not to forget the giant ignited cigarette !

The young actors were quite notable in their versatility. Jared Rushton - quite a prolific child actor of the 80's - plays the wannabe redneck-jock in training next door, quite the contrary of his misfit character in 'Big' alongside Tom Hanks. Thomas Brown - playing his older and shy 'rebel' brother, is quite the contrary of the 'criminal' illegal drag racer he portrays in Beverly Hills: 90210. Robert Oliveri - of Edward Scissorhands fame, appears as the scientist's son. Amy O'Neill (playing Amy!) is his sister.

Another positive thing is the Stalinski (scientist and family) household. We're so used to seeing all these All-American films with immaculate suburban family houses; 'astro-turf' lawns, shiny furniture, dainty wallpaper, etc. What we have here mind is a real house ! Clutter and mess everywhere, discoloured walls, ripped-up furniture, you name it ! A breath of reality among a norm of prissy All-American cultural 'values' !

James Horner delivers another beautiful infectious score. A blend of orchestral and 'ethnic' (wind) instruments, it's strikingly similar to the equally harmonic, deep and evocative score of 'Willow'. (also Horner) Not to forget that cheesy and feel-good song by (Levi's jeans TV ad stud) Nick Kamen; think Amy dancing with a mop !

Lets give it 10/10 for being original, beautiful, fun, exciting, charming, classy and reflective of good old days at the turn of the 80's ! Let's also give it credit for being quite an unlikely success as a Disney production !

The Great Outdoors (1988)

HORRIFICALLY ALL-AMERICAN, with Equally Horrific Twins ! (But Superficially Entertaining; Watch for a Laugh !)

[21 November 2022]

2 families - blood-related by unexplained lineage, go to one of those hyper-kitsch, plastic and disgusting mountain/forest/lake retreats - kinda the epitome of All-American vulgarity !

Expect it all - dads having buds-at-the-bar, prissy bimbo wives, eating a '96-er' at a diner, 'log cabins' (ie: luxury condos covered in logs), mindless noisy fast boat action (in a 'tranquil natural retreat'), 'scary' bear stories, singing 'Yackety-Yack' by The Coasters in the wooden-panelled car on the journey there, and worst of all, 'man-to-man', 'manly' rugged pursuits (ie: sitting on a fishing boat fishing and drinking); PASS THE SICK BUCKET !

That said, it's all a bit of a superficial laugh, and you should watch it with a pinch of salt; accept the All-American vulgar abyss as merely (self) parodic !

The twin little girls are also something of a spectacle. Never saying a word but baring creepy stares and gratuitously screaming, they remind me of something off The Shining !

5/10 - the epitome of bad All-American tasteless cuture, but classic 80's and a bit of a laugh !

Snow White (1987)

Sarah Patterson - Extremely Cute, Refined & Adorable Girl; She Practically WAS Snow White (Why Was She Never Picked Up Upon??)

[9/10 · 8 October 2022]

Regardless of what you think of the story of Snow White, there is one element to this relatively obscure film adaptation that goes highly unnoticed; SARAH PATTERSON.

An extremely cute, tender, charming, culturally refined and absolutely adorable girl; she practically WAS Snow White. With her extreme cuteness taking form through her dark hair and dark cute beady eyes, pale complexion, little elfin lips - and very cute smile, and overall endearing natural cultural refined beauty - not to forget her infectiously innocent expression and charisma, she didn't even have to try and be Snow White. Yes, she was indeed THE EPITOME OF THE CUTE, REFINED ENGLISH ROSE. Bless her little heart !

What came of this adorable actress is a mystery. Her profiles on the internet are scant and inaccurate - NO WAY was she born in 1972; she would have been 11 or 12 in Company of Wolves ! I guess after her 2 aforementioned 80's films she turned away from acting, making the odd obscure appearance in the 00's.

Sarah aside, other substantial actors appear throughout. Diana Rigg as the old dragon ... er, stepmother, and Nicola Stapleton of 'Simon & the Witch' and 'Bad Girls' fame appears early on as young Snow White. Among the dwarves are 80's leading little actor Billy Barty, and Mike Edmonds - think 'Little Ron' in Maid Marian & her Merry Men !

The aesthetic style of the film is simple, quite kitsch (in a good way !), whimsical and wholesome. They clearly kept the budget low and didn't try too hard, giving the film a kind of naive pantomime style.

So, let's give it 9/10, mainly for cute Sarah Patterson, and also for being a simple and charming 80's childrens' delight that all ages can enjoy.

Through the Eyes of a Killer (1992 TV Movie)

Raw, Dark, Gritty, Horrific, Sexy, Intense and Disturbing; NOT BAD FOR A TV FILM !

[9/10 · 3 October 2022]

I saw this a few times as a teen in the late-90's. I remember it being epitomally raw, intense and seductive, particularly as a naive 13-15-year-old

Basically, a female artist hires a 'hunky' handyman to do work on her flat. He repeatedly rapes her, much to her delight; surely THE most disturbing aspect of the film ! Murders and other assaults follow; something to do with a glass eye in the flat window. (?)

If you fancy Marg Helgenberger and like seeing her having sex in black lingerie then this film is for you ! If you like all things of a dark, gritty and abyssal urban nature, it's for you and all ! Horror fans; no intro required !

Let's give it 9/10 for being sexy, gritty, disturbing and infectious. And for those of us who remember it, let's hope there's some videos of it lying around somewhere, never mind a TV slot !

Rod, Jane and Freddy (1981–1991)

Don't Remember It, but Jane Tucker's Cute Little Figure in Black Tights; WHAT A STUNNER !

[9/10 · 30 September 2022]

For someone born in 1982, I should remember this 80's/early 90's gem, but I don't remember it at all ! Was I 'too old' for it ?

Basically children's songs - some traditional and some original, sung by Rainbow singing trio Rod, Jane & Freddy. Different themes - some fantasy-based and some 'everyday'-orientated - are adopted, from cooking and housework, right up to pantomime and festive treats. Kitschy but classy stage sets are the setting for the singing, dancing and acting trio.

Jane Tucker looked absolutely stunning in her trademark black tights; her cute little toned figure ! Jane aside, this was a cute, charming, simple and classy show; kitsch in a good class of the 80's way !

Let's give it 9/10 - not least for Jane, for it being near perfect archetypal 80's delight !

Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

It's All Right ! The Extreme Tasteless Gratuitous Sexual Violence is All an 'ARTISTIC POLITICAL METAPHOR' !

[3/10 · 29 September 2022]

Here we go again, one of those daft European foreign language films which uses all things 'POLITICALLY METAPHORICAL' as an excuse to show severely depraved nihilistic sexual violence. Yeah, like anyone is ACTUALLY gonna buy such pseudo-allegorical malarkey if they hadn't been informed of its (supposed) existence prior to watching the film ! Obviously not as extreme as 'A Serbian Film', but stupid tasteless pseudo-intellectual malarkey all the same !

Watch it for a nihilistic giggle by all means, you know, a bit like listening to AxCx or GG Allin. (like you'd take them seriously !) But otherwise just dismiss it for what it is; depraved twisted left-wing bohemian low-lives justifying their lust for (and watching of) all things severely sexually depraved by addressing 'political metaphorical artistic connotations'. SHUT UP YOU LEFTY BOHEMIAN LOSER !

The Delta Force (1986)

NO Culture, NO Aestheticism, NO Wholesomeness, just (un)Pure Macho Violence, Car/Bike Chases and Action. CLASSIC HILARIOUS 80'S CHEESE !

[7/10 · 6 September 2022]

I THINK MY TITLE SAYS IT ALL !

Coincidentally, I first saw (part of) this film when I was 11, a matter of hours before going on my 1st airborne flight; perhaps not the most reassuring time to see it ! A bad omen ??

Sure, there's next to nowt cultural about this film ! Aesthetically obsolete - all war-torn towns, military vehicles and blood-splatters, a very obvious moral message about not taking civilians hostage (and a far more questionable moral message about letting women off-board a hijacked plane, but not men; bloody feminism!), and not even a soundtrack (if a cheesy epic-pop score !). Other than that it's all just men chasing each other round in cars/bikes, firing missiles at one another (love the motorbike missiles being fired from behind; sooo corny !) and people being shot. KINDA SUMS IT UP !

I suppose the 2 parts of the film that do allow you any emotional sympathy for the characters are the German stewardess' reluctance to single out the Jewish passengers (nazi-guilt), and the Catholic Priest confessing to being Jewish born ("just like Jesus Christ") out of support for the other Jewish hostages.

Let's give it 7/10 for being undiluted philistine 80's cheese; light entertainment, nowt more !