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Hellboy (2019)
My Disappointment and Disgust are Immense
I feel tempted to ask, "what happened?" If there was a movie that had potential to succeed its predecessors while still remaining true to the comics, it was Hellboy (2019). Even though Hellboy 3 was never meant to be, as a fan of the comics as well as the original movies, I was willing to put aside my disappointment to get some enjoyment out of it. Yet, this movie is such a mess, I feel more resentful than entertained.
The fact that this movie has an R rating is not what bothers me. The comics were not afraid to get disgusting at times, since the subject matter often dealt with fairly heavy themes of death, destruction, and the exploitation of lives in exchange for the slim chance of ultimate power. Hence, the inclusion of such heavy blood and gore was used in a way that felt natural in the comics. The movie, however, seems to be overwhelmed with their newfound freedom, because they crank not only the blood and gore up to eleven, but also the swearing and more unspeakable violence committed by the villains. What's supposed to be grown up and scary turns into something childish and vile - almost borderline disrespectful - because there seems to be no limits set on where and when to reel itself in. Not only does the movie force you to tune out in this way, but it also comes at the sacrifice of a coherent story and well-developed characters.
Speaking of which, I've been hearing whispers about how the movie is considered a closer adaptation of the comics than the previous movies, since the writers incorporate other arcs that actually happened into the movie. This, however, is just an assumption made by those who haven't actually read the comics. By weaving so many storylines from the comic into the movie, it becomes disjointed to a point where several storylines become dangling plot threads that don't figure into the rest of the movie, or flat-out don't make any sense, especially when it gets several of them wrong in order to get the movie out of the corner they've written it in. The pacing also suffers from the multiple storylines. The first half takes on three different paths before getting back to the point, while the second half farts around with several scenes often going nowhere.
The main characters also suffer from the terrible screenplay. While David Harbour and Ian McShane are good choices for the titular Hellboy and Professor Broom, respectively, they have nothing to work with beyond the typical troubled teenager and overworked parent tropes, once again, cranked up to eleven and made worse by the R rating and superficial adaptation. Hellboy is supposed to be a beast who, despite his frightening exterior and sarcastic attitude, has a big heart and always fights for the good of others, even if he knows that his destiny as the catalyst for the apocalypse will catch up with him one day. Instead, the writers turned Hellboy into a whiny brat who does nothing but get drunk and find more excuses to stick it to the old man, even though he has very little reason to do so. Meanwhile, said old man Professor Broom has been turned into a spiteful and cynical abuser who, as it's later revealed, actually considered killing Hellboy when he first saw him (!). Let me make clear that Professor Broom is not a killer! He would never even consider holding a gun in his entire life, much less killing a child he would later consider his son! It just brings more proof that crew who worked on this movie were more concerned with utilizing the R rating than getting the characters right. Several important supporting characters from the comic appear to be outright missing, leaving giant gaps where the movie feels like they should be included, while those they include in the movie are either under-acted or over-acted and often carry very little reason to be included.
In addition to being disgusting, the movie is very ugly to look at in terms of its technical aspects and production design. The grime and grit covers this movie from top to bottom, while several scenes are obviously green-screened with some of the worst chroma keying ever put to film. Look closely, and you can count the frames where the CGI wasn't rendered properly. My brain was forced to tune out so many times, the movie gave me an actual headache by the time the credits were rolling... seriously.
This movie is not worth sitting through, whether you're a fan of any pre-existing Hellboy media or not. It's not even worthwhile snark fodder; it just hurts. I can very well say that this is one of the worst comic book movie adaptations I've ever seen, and considering what else is available, that says a lot. Do not, under any circumstances, watch this movie.
Monster-in-Law (2005)
Alright, where did someone put the duct tape?
I'm serious, that's what you'll be searching for after you've had your fill of Jane Fonda's screaming in this movie. I'm pretty sure even two-year-olds who happen to walk into the living room while their parents are viewing this will be yelling at the screen for her to sit still and be quiet. On the other hand, it's not Fonda's fault, considering that she was given so little material to work with in the first place.
How Hollywood manages to botch such a simple story as a mother getting into fights with her son's fiancée is because of one key element: they think that pushing their actors to such degrading lows is funny. Now, I can see what some may be thinking: "But isn't that what comedy is: watching the characters suffer?" Well, that's all fine and good, but it has to have two things: purpose and effort. Monster-in-Law has none of that. I guess if there were a different reason for her screaming (such as, for example, a mental issue that causes her to act like a child when angry or stressed... Yes, that's a thing), then I would be able to forgive it more easily. But the excuses they give us are so tired and so cliché (i.e. Being replaced in your career by someone younger) that you either can't care for what happens to the characters at all, or become even more infuriated when Fonda's character does something incredibly stupid. It also doesn't help that the humour, aside from all the screaming, is merely just slapstick and gross-out gags, which furthers the theory that the writer simply gave up on any thought process after coming up with the premise.
As for the rest of the movie, there's not much else to say. The plot (or whatever resembles one anyway) loses direction after Fonda's character is introduced, and quickly devolves into said poor excuses for "comedy". The why-can't-we-all-get-along moral of the story feels shoe-horned into the last scene of the story, as though the crew forgot to put it in until far into production. The characters are so bland and blatantly stereotyped (which wouldn't be so bad if it were intensional) that most of them fade into the background. As for J-Lo... Well, to be fair, nothing can be worse for her acting career than Gigli (which is not saying much, unfortunately).
I know we can't expect a masterpiece after fourteen years of absence from the silver screen, but, unfortunately, the efforts Fonda turned out were all in vain. She deserves much better treatment than what they gave her here.
Catwoman (2004)
Beyond Hope of Anything Salvageable From the Start
Movies like this are like an irreparable watch. No matter how many times you try to clean it, replace the battery, or alter it in some way, it will always be no longer able to function. The only solution, in that case, would be to just abandon it and obtain a new one. But if you know Hollywood, they tend to take the "what you see is what you get" approach in order to squeeze the next buck out of us. But this time, the joke was on them; this movie flopped at the box office at the time of its release, and for good reason.
This movie was doomed from the very minute Michelle Pfeiffer and Tim Burton backed out during pre-production. As soon as you try to get someone new to direct, write, and star, people should expect different ideas from different people. So, it shouldn't come as a surprise that the script was being tossed back and forth from writer to writer 27 times in order to "perfect" the so-called "story" about a Batman character that wasn't particularly strong enough to have a movie based around her in the first place, and the title role was being recast more times than was deemed necessary. It also shouldn't come as a surprise that the end result was something with so much coherency squeezed out of it that it no longer resembled Bob Kane's work (they probably should've left his name off the credits after the 5th revision).
I like Halle Barry as much as the next person, but she's just way too wrong for the role, and she knows it (her Razzie acceptance speech can be found circulating around YouTube to justify this). I could be counted amongst the large mass of people that thinks the director picked her because she was able to strut perfectly in the strangely skimpy costume. But, I think I can also safely say that the poor quality of her performance that was turned out in the film was not a fault of her own; she's given so very little to work with that it's impossible for her to take the role of Patience Phillips' Catwoman seriously without looking ridiculous. (... "Patience Phillips"? Really, Hollywood? Was "Selena Kyle" too over-the-top for you?) The supporting cast doesn't help matters either, judging from the fact that they either have characters that are only on screen to be awkward, or they (almost) always give the camera the "what-the-heck-am-I-doing-here?" look.
The visuals offered in this movie are far from practical, from a CGI Barry performing impossible stunts in some scenes, to extreme long shots of CGI buildings that seem unfinished. My guess is that Warner Brothers spent so much money on getting the script finished and Barry cast that the thought of having anything inanimate or non-human on screen was inconceivable, even if it meant they had to animate them properly (to them, of course).
All in all, there's nothing salvageable here, but it's also very easy to see why it has a cult following that's developed over the years just for its horrible quality. If you have the urge to break out a DVD copy of this movie and pull it apart with some friends, feel free (though I wouldn't recommend making a drinking game out of it, for those of you of legal age; it's that stupid).
Man of Steel (2013)
Good, But Don't Expect Any Surprises
When I first saw the trailer for this film, I wasn't exactly hyped for its release. I'm not a big Superman fan, so I felt very indifferent when I was dragged to the theatre to see this movie the other day. My feelings did not change throughout, and I left the theatre eventually forgetting what I saw.
I will not bother with explaining the plot here, as I don't usually do, but for good reason this time. Basically, it is a remake of the classic Superman movie from the 70's, but without any of the ridiculous fun it had. It replaces Lex Luthor with General Zod, which is a refreshing change of pace from a villain who does what he does simply for power. And, although artistic liberties were taken (according to my sister, who is more of a DC fan than I am), the origin story was interesting in a sense. Too bad it was one we've seen so many times in the past few years.
I felt the characters were heavily wooden in this instalment. It's not the actors' fault, however; they're just doing their jobs. The writer, on the other hand, needs to be reminded of the definition of an underwritten character. For example, I like Amy Adams, for one; but, when it comes to playing the part of Lois Lane, who is known as the standard 'damsel in distress' in most of this franchise, she isn't given much, if any, significance in the role. The role of Superman isn't much better either; he is much too perfect, without any flaws or hindrances in his character that can apply to the story (no, there isn't even an appearance of Kryptonite, which could be considered a missed opportunity).
I also feel sorry for anyone that had to see this in 3-D (unlike myself), because the ultimately fast-moving and jiggling shots come at a high count. A reminder to Hollywood: people do not shake up and down like mad when running forward, or even sitting in a bus. It's very distracting.
So, if I were to come up with one word to summarize my overall feelings of this film, it would be 'uninspired'. It's not bad, but it's also not great; it's ultimately forgettable. It falls victim to many Hollywood clichés in several instances, and I only recommend this to hardcore Superman fans. The rest of you will probably forget what you saw within about half an hour after seeing it (like I did).
The Muppets (2011)
The Muppets "comeback" movie is a triumph!
Over the past year, I had been following how production had been going on this movie ever since I got back into the Muppets. To tell the truth, as soon I saw the first teaser trailer (you should check them out; they're over-the-top hilarious!), I knew it was going to do well. My predictions were confirmed when I saw it just last week. Not only does it bring back the classic feel of the Muppets' humour, it has the power to melt your heart clean away!
Walter is the most relatable character you could possibly imagine appearing in a Muppets movie. Walter is like any other Muppet, but he just needs to find himself, and he eventually learns that just because you haven't found your talent doesn't mean you don't have one. Gary is also one of the rare "generous brother" characters, and that's a good thing (and believe me, there should be more of those). But he also learns to make time for others as well.
But, the songs will win you over the most (but, if they don't, there's something terribly wrong with your brain). Whether it be the cheerful and cleverly funny "Life's a Happy Song," the nostalgic tear-jerker "Pictures in My Head" (clearly my most personal favourite right now), the obviously carefully-written "Man or Muppet" (which was funny and enlightening at the same time), or another pick that didn't make it on the eligible Oscar nominee list, they'll have you tapping your foot through the whole picture.
So, even if you aren't a Muppets fan, I suggest you give this flick a try. You will not regret it.
Ice Age (2002)
A heart-warmer for a movie about the Ice Age
Being only a kid when I first saw this, I didn't know what to expect. I had never heard the name of this movie, and being brought into this world when classic animation was still "in" (and thankfully being brought back), computer animation was still new to me at the time. So, I went to the theatre having so-so expectations, and I walked out smiling. But... now I look at it today, and occasionally I find myself reaching for a tissue. The story is so well told that I found myself laughing at most of Sid's antics, and Scrat's, which have never gotten old for this movie by the way... ever. But, now being old enough to understand, I also found that the implied, but still tragic, death of Manny's family being revealed is one of the saddest moments in this beautifully animated film. Nonetheless, it is still a great movie that has an even better message for kids, and a few in-jokes for adults, too.
Forbidden Zone (1980)
Where's the story in this thing?
Huh? What? Somebody woke me. Wait... It was my father shaking me awake when I was watching this. Personally, as I have said a few times before, I don't know why I bother with this stuff. I lost six brain cells watching this piece of junk, and I couldn't remember why I started viewing this... *thing* in the process. Wait, memories are coming back, I only wanted to see this because I heard Danny Elfman had arranged the music and appeared as Satan (which had met my satisfactions quite well, actually), but as for the rest of the movie, I say: on a scale of 1 to 10; 10 being sophisticated, and 1 being bonkers; I say it's bonkers. It is filled with nothing but sex, obscene profanity, racist comments; and not to mention goofiest, silliest characters and scenes, that the story is lost in them. Most of my memories on this movie are still lost because my mind was asleep, even though my body was still awake. Next time, I'll think twice about movie elements before I rush to see something that stars one of my most favourite movie celebrities of all time. (No offence, though, Mr. Elfman; you're still my favourite movie composer.)
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
I... oh, my!
I'm not sure exactly what to say here. Wait... yes I do. This movie is absolutely creepy! The script is well-written, the actors do a very good job, and the suspense just kills me. Well, not literally though. I also thought the costumes were top notch. I mean, the costume designer must have worked 24/7 on them. An honourable mention goes to Danny Elfman, who has done another fantastic job on the music. May your career live on for the rest of you life, Mr. Elfman. One caution though: I *highly* recommend that you keep your young children away from this film. My little sister was at a sleepover with her youth group, and I'm glad she didn't see this. Otherwise, she would have screamed at the sight of blood splattering all over the floor. If you can stand the sight of blood, and if you love being scared, this is the movie for you. I should warn you though: this is pretty tame for a slasher flick.
Batman & Robin (1997)
I'm glad Tim Burton didn't direct this.
I really have to say that Batman Returns (1992), directed by Tim Burton, or even The Dark Knight (2008) were even better than this piece of junk, even though I'm not a fan of Batman. This had to be the shoddiest, stupidest, most boring thing I've seen in a while, right next to The Mummy 3. Once it *got* boring and stupid after the opening credits, it *stayed* boring and stupid throughout. First, I was like, "What?" then I was like, "Huh?" then I nearly started falling asleep, and something about a stronger army, I don't know; I turned it off after the first 15 minutes 'cause I couldn't stand any more of that torture. If you're a Batman fan, I highly suggest skipping this piece of junk. It should go in the vault and never, *ever* come out.
Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers (2004)
Very cute.
Well, there's nothing much to say, but I'll go ahead. This had to be one of Mickey's best direct-to-video movies put together so far. Sure, it may be short, but with Mickey Mouse, you can't go wrong. The characters are put together really well for the story, especially Mickey and Minnie (gee, they make a cute couple, don't you think?), though I wasn't too thrilled about the turtle with french accent, but, oh well. The songs were well thought out, and you can't help but laugh sometimes. I think this will score really well with your little ones and especially Disney fans at the most. R.i.p., Wayne Allwine. Nobody can replace you for Mickey's voice.
The Ant Bully (2006)
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Well, what can I say? The title says it all. My parents took me and my sister to see this when it came out, because there wasn't anything else, and I was expecting it to be something that would be stupid and not worth seeing again, but I was wrong, again. It wasn't bad at all. It was pretty cute, to say the least. The acting was excellent, the story line was great (not to mention original), the animation was decent, everything was nearly perfect. Nothing excessive was used here. And it gives a pretty good message about treating different people nicely, whether they're human or not. I'd recommend this to anyone ages 8 and up. Trust me, you won't be disappointed.
Scooby-Doo and the Goblin King (2008)
Interesting change of pace
No, seriously, I really think that a Scooby-Doo movie going after a musical genre is a really good change of pace. Sure, it may not be as good as Zombie Island, and it may not live up as a Halloween musical classic the same way The Nightmare Before Christmas did, but it's still not bad for a beginner. The Halloween creatures are a big plus; they're absolutely creepy. Some of the musical numbers might need a little work, but at least they're something that you can't walk out on. But, man! Oh, man! I can never get over that ending! I'm not gonna tell you though; it'll just spoil the surprise. The bottom line: it's a delight for the whole family, especially if you're a Scooby-Doo fan.
Beetlejuice (1989)
Amazingly cute for a spin-off
I swear, nobody makes spin-offs like this anymore. Now, everyone makes (and even watches) spin-offs where you get high expectations that it will be as good as the original, but all you get is complete garbage that should have never been made in the first place. But, Beetlejuice is completely different. Sure, it's changed around a little... okay, a lot, but you should know that this time it was supposed to be aimed at kids, so yeah, there should be a few things changed around a bit. Lydia has been made from dull to a cheery 12-year-old for someone who likes Halloween, which was really good I have to say. But, Beetlejuice was the one who stood out the most in this show; he's been made from a notorious sleezeball to a sleezeball that would make even a little kid laugh until their sides get sore. Too bad it's only on TV around Halloween though, you're kids would have loved to see it.
Godzilla (1998)
Boring (need I say more?)
Okay, you got me; I guess I do have more to say than that. I'll tell you what's bad in here: everything. It was so long that I almost fell asleep, the writing sounded like it was done in 1 day or less, the acting was terrible (well, I'll cut Matthew Brodrick a little slack), but, oh no, do you want to know about what distracted me the most? It was definitely the special effects. Trust me, the effects were *so* sloppy, it looked like that a super-computer had gone all bonkers and a character from cyberspace is trying to attack Manhattan. Plus, the sounds that went with it should have went with a wild animal, *not* an over-sized Dinosauer. The bottom line: skip it. If I see it one more time, I'm gonna fall flat on my face.
Beauty and the Beast (1991)
Just as I remembered it, as always
I remember first seeing this on VHS when I was four years old at a friend's house (my family couldn't get this on VHS because this is older than me), and, no surprise, I loved it. We also saw this in the IMAX a few years ago, and not only did I love it, I adored it, too. Since then, it renewed my love for Disney musicals. And now, watching it on DVD, it just keeps getting better and better every single time I see it. They say that most Disney movies are meant for kids, but they're really meant for the entire family, no matter how old you are. The only thing though, the beast might be quite scary for littlest kids, so make sure you're supervising them when they watch it. Oh, I neglected to mention that this film will be re-released again next year, in 3D! (Is this enough to grab your attention?)
Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998)
The best out of all the franchise.
With me being in my mid-teens, I feel a little bit silly watching the Scooby-Doo videos, but I have to admit, Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island was really the best out of all the franchise. Sure, it may be a little different, but when it comes to this one, I'm not kidding here. Its scariness does live up to the original show in my opinion. It is so creepy, you'll want to watch it again and again. Also, the ending just gives me the right to say "Surprise!" I'm definitely not going to tell you what it is though, 'cause it might get me kicked off of here. Anyway, if you like Scooby-Doo with just a touch of scariness, you'll love this. Oh, and I also recommend Scooby-Doo and the Goblin King if this is not enough.
Blades of Glory (2007)
Why do I even bother?
Okay, don't be offended about what I say if you like this movie, but if you haven't seen it, don't make the same mistake that I did. Clean humor? Yeah, right. The acting is, well, decent, but there's too much sex talk in here to be a movie about figure skating. When I saw this in class last year, everyone laughed at it. Everyone except me. That's because everyone is much too occupied watching dirty shows just like this one. But I had my head screwed on right. Not only that, but my family also hated it, too. My sister said that there was nothing in there that was funny (and I don't blame her). I don't even want to know why this thing reached number one at the box office that year. The bottom line here: don't waste your time and money on this one; you'll regret it later.
Total Drama Island (2007)
The Funniest I've seen on TV
I remember watching 6Teen when a preview of this came on, and from the moment it said "from the creators of 6Teen", I was instantly captivated. I loved 6Teen, and I couldn't wait to see it. I was expecting to see something that had plenty of danger, but I didn't expect to have the funny in it too, especially with the third episode. There are a few fart jokes here and there, but, who cares? Every time someone did something wacky, I would laugh until it hurts. I also liked the way the characters were designed (no, seriously, they also have really good taste in clothes). I especially liked Gwen, who does have better taste than Heather by the way. Oh, and Owen, what's not to love about him? Anyway, if you just watch one episode, you'll be on the floor laughing. I guarantee it.
Don't Look Under the Bed (1999)
I really miss this.
I remember watching this on TV when my family and I were on vacation on thanksgiving weekend 2 years ago. There wasn't anything else on (since it was about nine o'clock in the evening from where I was), so we flipped to this. I seriously thought that it would be something like that stupid rip-off "Minutemen", but I was completely wrong. It was actually good for a change. Erin Chambers did an amazing job as Frances, and so did Ty Hodges as Larry. Whenever he did something really outrageous I couldn't stop laughing (well, the puns got a little old throughout the movie). But the thing that really caught my eye was how well the Boogeyman's part was written. But I'm not going to spoil everything. Just go see it. You'll love it.
Corpse Bride (2005)
Talk about the dead coming alive
I really have to say that I'm impressed about Tim Burton. Sure it may not be as good as The Nightmare Before Christmas, but it's still very well done. I saw the trailer back when I was first watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in theaters, and I was nearly scared out of my wits (I was about 10 years old that time). After I saw it a couple months ago, I was pleasantly surprised the same way I was surprised at Charlie and the Chocolate Factory among others. The actors were top notch, the animation was great, and the music was decent. I especially liked Helena Bonham Carter's performance as the Corpse Bride, even with her singing voice. If you can get passed the creepy title, you'll definitely love this one.
Wizards of Waverly Place: Alex in the Middle (2008)
The Best in the Series
Who says a person in their mid-teens can't enjoy a few episodes of a few shows from Disney Channel once in a while? There were a few shows that were funny and original ("That's So Raven" for instance), but there was also a majority of them that were seemingly ripped-off and not very funny ("Cory in the House" for instance). "Wizards of Waverly Place" was sort of in between. This episode, however, is the most hilarious I've seen on this show. There was something about that uncle that made me want to laugh. Once I was even on the floor laughing my head off until I was out of breath. If you're looking for an episode that would make you laugh until it hurts to even talk, watch for it.
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Amazing, just amazing
I'm actually amazed. Every movie that I've seen that was directed (or even produced) by Tim Burton was not bad at all (well, with the exception of Planet of the Apes). But still, I hadn't seen this one until recently.
You know, if I saw this seven years ago, I would have been scared out of my wits. I first saw this three months ago when the DVD was being re-released, and it was actually better than I expected. I didn't think that it would be a musical, and I am a huge fan of them. I think Danny Elfman has done his best work on this movie (I also think he does an amazing singing voice for Jack Skellington). Since then, I became an official fan of Tim Burton. I can't wait for his next movie!