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Platoon (1986)
Gritty and tense
14 March 2003
Warning: Spoilers
Most films about the Vietnam War deliver a powerful message. Apocalypse Now shows how war can drive a man to insanity and darkness, Full Metal Jacket focuses on dehumanization and turning wimps into killing machines, and The Deer Hunter tells the story of a simple friendship swept away by the tide of war.

Then there's Platoon, which shows how allies can start a war amongst them and become bigger dangers to one another than their real enemies. It also shows how the fight for leadership can tear into the ones who fight for it. But this conflict affects the soldiers most of all, and they must decide whether their loyalties are with the bitter, tough-as-nails leader (Tom Berenger), or the more faithful and supportive one (William Dafoe).

SPOILER WARNING!!!!!!!! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE!!!

Platoon's gripping and unmerciful story is told by soldier Chris Taylor (Charlie Sheen), a college dropout who put his education behind just to become a soldier. He is assigned to a platoon of mixed personalities and races such as Big Harold (Forest Whitaker), Rhah (Francesco Quinn), and Sgt. O'Neill (John McGinley). The soldiers must deal with the brutality and sickening reality of war: Rotting corpses, red ants biting your neck, swarms of gnats and mosquitoes that leave swollen bites all over your face, booby-trapped bunkers, and Viet Cong platooning by night. But the biggest threat to the well being of the band is the battle for its command.

The platoon's leadership is split between scar-faced Sgt. Barnes (Berenger) and Sgt. Elias (Dafoe). Sgt. Barnes is a hateful and ungracious troop who kills with a vengeance. Elias is a man who has lost faith in the war, but still cares for his fellow soldiers. At first the two are able to cooperate, but when they are faced with a threat or are caught in a tight situation their decisions are almost exactly different. If a man were wounded, Barnes would rather leave his body to rot rather than tend to him, whereas Elias calls in for medical attention immediately. When the platoon invades a Vietnamese village, Barnes will shoot anybody who dares to try and stop him and even threatens to kill a child, but Elias would rather save the civilians and do what must be done. The conflict between the two eventually reaches boiling point, and when Elias stumbles upon Barnes during a Vietnamese troop invasion, his ungrateful rival shoots him. Taylor, whose loyalty had been with Elias during his gruesome stay, starts to believe that Barnes shot Elias when he sees the wounded and helpless sergeant praying for mercy while being hunted down by Viet Cong troops. When they meet back at base later on, Chris jumps right to conclusions with Barnes and attempts to kill him. He fails, however, and Barnes isn't daunted.

The next day, the platoon heads out to the jungle once more to battle the Vietnamese troops. The Viet Cong strike late at night, attacking the American bunkers and outposts with full force. As bullets ricochet everywhere and explosions and fires erupt, a scrambling Taylor runs into Barnes, who has gone insane and is repeatedly stabbing a Viet Cong troop to death. Taylor pulls Barnes back, who pins him down and holds his knife high above him, ready to stab him to death. As Chris screams, a jet flies overhead and launches bombs, sending the forest up in a fiery napalm explosion and wiping nearly everything out. When Taylor wakes up the next morning, he finds a severely injured Barnes crawling across the ground in search of medical aid. When he turns around to find Taylor pointing a rifle at him, he says, `Go ahead. Shoot me.' In two seconds he's lying on the ground with bullets in his chest. Then, all of a sudden, a search team arrives to rescue Taylor and bring him back to the helicopter landing field. He is then carried aboard one on a stretcher, his time in Vietnam finished. But as the chopper sails over the smoking and body-ridden battlefield, Taylor begins to cry, realizing that the biggest enemy of all proved to be themselves.

Shortly put, this is one of the best films ever made. One of the many things that helps it achieve its status of greatness is the message it delivers. It basically shows how war can wreck the lives of those sucked in, and although there aren't any metaphorical aspects to it or such, it's still a powerful message that is perfectly exemplified by Oliver Stone. You can clearly see it right at the beginning when leaving troops shoot a cold glance towards Chris and the other newcomers. And from there on it becomes stronger and stronger.

But perhaps the best thing about the entire movie is the tension that constantly builds during each climax. The way Stone makes the Viet Cong appear as camouflaged silhouettes is eerie, presenting them as faceless, ghostlike figures. The very first climax with Taylor watching the Vietnamese troops in silence as they approach is perfectly shot from different angles, implying a strong sense of fear and anxiety upon the viewer. And when the tension lets up, it's perfectly relieved by a pulse-pounding sequence that moves at a fast pace.

The casting in Platoon is also good as well. Charlie Sheen follows the footsteps of his father with a stellar performance and well-placed narrating (Like father, like son). Tom Berenger is good, but I found his character almost impossible to like. Naturally, I preferred William Dafoe, who would probably be my pick for the best performance in the movie. The performances of Forest Whitaker and John McGinley are also good, and the film features plenty of other soon-to-be-famous faces like Johnny Depp and Keith David. But the problem with Platoon's characterization is that it tries to cover too many different people at once, making it a bit hard to follow each character. But that has got to be the only flaw in general. And since the characters are perfectly developed, it's not much of a problem.

Platoon is simply a great movie, and it is right on the grand scale of great war films like Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket, and The Deer Hunter. Everything is perfect, from the action to the cinematography, and it's about as good as a war movie can get. All in all, a must see film.

***** out of *****
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Space Mutiny (1988)
Like gawking at the sight of your house burning down
8 March 2003
Space Mutiny is nothing more than a poor excuse to show a bunch of skinny women in skin-tight leotards. It's so awful that one does not need to begin with how bad it really is. There's sunlight shining through the windows when the film is supposed to be in space, most of the scenes look like they were filmed in a storage warehouse, the special effects are about as mind-blowing as the graphics for an Atari game, half of the scenes are just a bunch of needless explosions, and the plot is ridiculous. I'm sure the writers for MST3K only needed to rewind this a couple of times to think of some good jokes, for it's so easy to make fun of. Why, I bet they had a field day. That is, for making the riffs at least.

Believe it or not, I thought that there was a chance that this movie wouldn't be as awful as it really is. From what I had read it seemed to have a chance of only being just bad. Instead it turned out to be twice as worse than I had expected. I got that feeling when the beginning credits started, and we get a painful reminder that this was made in the 80's with the "zoom" effect, in which the credits appear as blurs and shoot towards the screen. After the credits, we get our first look at the Southern Star while a narrator (who sounds like a voiceover for a corporation training video) talks about the ship and the gracious shelter it provides for its occupants. The Southern Sun is basically a starship carrying thousands of people to another planet, all of which are led by a guy named Alex Jansen, who looks a lot like Santa Claus. All seems well aboard the Southern Sun as work out instructors walk around in small bodysuits and guys stride with awful hairdos. However, the security crew (otherwise known as the "Enforcers") within the ship has plans to bring it to the pirate-infested Corona Borealis system, so they form a rebellion and try to take over the ship. Their leader is Elijah Kalgan, who in terms of looks seems like he's trying desperately to be Antonio Banderas and instead spends 98 percent of the time looking like he's forcing his skull out of his head.

Anyways, the "Enforcers" make their first move when they blow up several engines and boilers with just one small bomb, causing the Southern Sun docking bay to become disabled. Apparently these guys don't want to go to the new planet, so they also take their frustration out on the other occupants by encasing them in shrink wrap and hanging them like slabs of meat in a butcher shop. But the Enforcers' plans are endangered by David Hasselhoff wannabe Dave Ryder and his girlfriend Lea Jansen, who spend scene after scene wandering around the ship and killing guards with only a couple of weak punches. At first Lea blames Ryder for the death of her friend Professor Spooner, but as they discover more about Kalgan's plans they become closer to each other. Even though Lea looks a little old and Dave is totally stupid, they somehow make it together. And they form a couple so bad that the clichés in the romance plot prove to be even bigger than the numerous explosions. But of all of the ridiculous plotlines, the worst has to be the one of the Bellerian women, who spend the entire movie in some cell doing slow versions of the Macarena in hole-filled leotards while worshiping orb balls that look like something I could buy at Spencer's Gifts. But somehow they manage to help Dave defeat Kalgan in an anti-climatic floor polisher chase that is compared to the chariot races in Ben-Hur by Mike and the Bots (Mike: `They'll say, 'You know, Ben-Hur was a really good movie. This movie totally sucked.').

Put shortly, this is one of the worst movies that I have ever seen. I must admit that for a film featured on MST3K, the plot actually has some layers. But despite some complexity (which only came because of the distracting riffs, but there's nothing wrong with that), this film is absolutely meaningless. For one, it seems the director focused on the leotard-wearing trend more than just about anything else, except for the explosions. The biggest display of this comes during the god-awful 80's disco scene, where Lea constantly displays her toosh. Argh!!! But surprisingly, that wasn't the biggest flaw. To decide that would be hard, but the winner could be how Lt. Lemont was killed off in one scene only to show up at her post 5 minutes later. You've also got to give credit to the floor polishers-disguised-as-hovercrafts gig, which will leave you in stitches even if you're somehow viewing this without MST3K. One of the things that I loved the most was the fact that it was clearly shot in a warehouse. All they needed to do was set off some mines and throw a bunch of dummies over the railing and they would have almost the entire film done. Hm, all of a sudden, Eegah looks like it's on par with Apocalypse Now.

As for the rating of the episode that this was featured in, I give it 4/5 stars. The riffing, although slow and even absent at times, was great and the host segments were good enough, except for the excellent escape pod sequence. This was definitely the kind of cheese that MST3K was made for, and it was excellently devoured. I especially love the jokes geared towards Dave Ryder (Crud BoneMeal, Big McLargeHuge, Blast ThickNeck, Buck PlankChest, and so on).

If what I have just said is not enough to convince you that this movie is horrible, then let me just say that if you took a camera to a warehouse and filmed people running on the walkways for an hour, you would have half of the scenes of Space Mutiny.

Movie rating: 0 out of ***** Episode rating: **** out of *****
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Mind blowing
27 February 2003
Warning: Spoilers
What words can describe the sheer perfection of Apocalypse Now? Here are a few for starters: Awesome, sweeping, powerful, exciting, and incredibly mind blowing. Francis Ford Coppola's illustration of mankind's dark side is perhaps the best war film ever made. It's also one of the best films I have ever viewed during my existence. It succeeds on every level possible. This film will meet all of your expectations no matter what, and it doesn't fail on a single level. If Apocalypse Now isn't an example of cinematic perfection, then I don't know what is.

SPOILER WARNING

Capt. Benjamin Willard (Martin Sheen), a soldier who is growing increasingly tired of his inner city surroundings in Saigon and wants to return to the Vietnamese jungles, is assigned on a mission to track down and kill renegade Colonel Walter Kurtz, a madman assassin who is rumored to have set up a hideaway in the Cambodian jungle. Willard and associates Tyrone Miller (Laurence Fishburne), Lance B. Johnson (Sam Bottoms), Jay "Chef" Hicks (Frederic Forrest), and Quartermaster Phillips (Albert Hall) journey down the jungle river in a small boat. Along the way they encounter many strange things and people, such as helicopter flight leader Lt. Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall), a boisterous, overly confident, and surf loving commander who heads a visually stunning aerial attack on a Vietnamese town while Richard Wagner's `Ride of the Valkyries' roars out from his helicopter.

As the journey through the jungle continues, Willard's assignment grates his nerves more and more, slowly causing him to become like the lunatic he has been assigned to kill. With each passing day, the crew sees wreckage and dead bodies left in the wake of Kurtz, and the tension becomes insurmountable. After several crazy events, such as a Playboy performance turned into a riot by overexcited soldiers, an accidental murder of an innocent family, and the loss of two crewmembers, the small boat makes it to Kurtz's outpost, where dead bodies hang everywhere, and the words `Apocalypse Now' are inscribed on the walls. At long last, Willard is taken to see Kurtz, who already suspects that he has arrived to kill him. Kurtz believes that Willard has the right to kill him, but that he has no right to judge him just because of his wicked personality. He then sits in silence as Kurtz reveals his tales and thoughts of the war and what caused him to go mad. During his stay, a crazed photojournalist (Dennis Hopper) also tells Willard of his target's insanity and the admiration he has received from all of his `children', and the pressure builds on him constantly. Then, one night, as the local villagers hack an ox to death during a ceremony, Willard brings Kurtz to his knees. As he walks out of the temple, the villagers all bow to him and worship him as their new leader. They then stare as he and Johnson slowly float down the river as the final words of Colonel Kurtz echo. `The horror. The horror.'

Now, I have seen a lot of great war movies. But so far this has got to be my favorite for many reasons. The first one is the visuals, which could be the best in motion picture history. Even today, with most movies relying on computer graphics, they don't look the least bit dated. The amazing technical prowess of this film is first examplified in the beginning, which has the camera resting on a shot of a palm tree forest as the low `bum, bum, bum' of passing helicopters echoes. Then the forest erupts into a napalm explosion of flames and smoke as The Doors' `The End' starts playing. After that, there are hardly any climaxes that aren't visually breathtaking. The best of these scenes is easily the aerial attack. How could you not be swept away by such a perfectly filmed climax? Wagner's roaring symphony more than perfectly aids the thrill of the attack, and it will please your ears while the awesome camerawork provides a treat for your eyes. Just the sight of the air cavalry dotting the sky as the camera moves slowly back is enough to blow you away. If you were spellbound by the cinematography of Lawrence of Arabia, then you will love this. Apocalypse Now also does a great job of mixing cold and morbid humor with the illustrations of the darkness of war. Robert Duvall, who was nominated for an Academy Award for his blisteringly brilliant role as Kilgore, is simply outrageous. I loved the scene where a bunch of villagers try to escape on a truck, which Kilgore sees and says, `Don't these people ever give up?' He then launches a missile, blowing the truck up and catapulting the riders into the river beneath the bridge they were driving across. It's scenes like this and the part when troops surf the waves while the water is bombed that will bring at least a snigger out of you no matter how morbid they are. The whole surfing thing was just hilarious too (`Charlie don't surf!').

Among all of the great elements that make Apocalypse Now perfect, I think the one thing that really stood out was the darkness. Showing the insanity and the downside of war separates this from others, and the gritty images of hell that this film portrays are in-depth. Plus, they perfectly mix together with the deep plot. Like it or not, you have to give credit to Coppola for the grittiness that he put into this movie.

Well, that was quite a mouthful. But before I catch my breath, let me also state that this is one of the best movies that your eyeballs will have the pleasure to absorb. I can guarantee that you will love it with all your heart and more. What Coppola put into this work of art is something that you will never see in a movie again. It's so great, that there isn't a single word that can sum it up. So If you're looking for a great film that illustrates the cruelty of war, then this should be first on your list. It's got great actors (including a young Laurence Fishburne), wild humor, gripping action, and a strong and gritty story. A recommendation for all.

***** out of *****
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Savage and merciless war movie
14 February 2003
Warning: Spoilers
Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket is a brutal, unmerciful, and fantastic film that harshly depicts the everyday life of boot camp patrons, who later battle in the Vietnam War. Kubrick paints a dark and moving picture of life in boot camp, and just what it's like to live the intense life of a Vietnam soldier. Everything is incredibly done: The casting, the action, the drama, and the realism. But if there's one thing that makes Full Metal Jacket a great film, it's the intensity. This is the kind of film that makes you stop breathing a bunch of times, anxiously waiting to see what will happen. This is so mainly because of the large absence of music, bringing more heart stopping twists and surprises to thrill viewers. Put shortly, this has to be, without one single little doubt, one of the greatest films (war or regular) of all time.

SPOILER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Full Metal Jacket's plot revolves around boot camp patrons such as J.T. `Joker' Davis (Matthew Modine), Leonard `Gomer Pyle' Lawrence (Vincent D'Onofrio), and Private Rafterman (Kevyn Major Howard) as they go through the living hell of boot camp, led by the fiery Sgt. Hartman (real-life boot camp instructor R. Lee Ermey). Hartman spares no mercy for any of the recruits, but he mostly takes his ferocity and vulgar out on Lawrence because of his struggles and his weight. Things keep getting worse for him, and he gets into more and more trouble with Hartman. However, with the help of Joker, Gomer improves his skills and earns more respect from their explosive trainer. But after all of the recruits have graduated and have been assigned, Joker finds Gomer sitting in the bathroom loading a rifle magazine late at night, even though they're not allowed in there. He has become darker in personality during the training course, and when Hartman comes in and orders Lawrence to drop the rifle, he shoots him and himself.

After boot camp, the movie then focuses on Joker as he starts his tenure in the Vietnam War as a reporter. Joker is sent with other troops such as `Animal Mother' (Adam Baldwin) and Pvt. Eightball (Dorian Harewood) on brutal and heart-pounding missions in Vietnam, including one where he and a small band of troops seek a dangerous sniper amidst a bombed and rubble-laden city. It's scenes like these that leave a lasting impression on you, and when the movie ends you'll be thinking, `Wow. That just blew my mind.' The hilarious and scathing dialogue is some of the best you'll ever hear when it comes to movies. For example (please excuse some of the language):

Hartman: `How tall are you private?' Private Cowboy: `Sir, five-foot-nine, sir!' Hartman: `Five-foot-nine? I didn't know they stacked s*** that high.'

Hartman: `Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it?'

Joker: `Leonard, if Hartman finds us here we'll be in a world of s***.'

Gomer: `I am in a world of s***.'

Hartman: `What's your name fat-body?' Gomer: `Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!' Hartman: `Lawrence? Lawrence what? Of Arabia?'

What more is there to say? Why, Stanley Kubrick deserved every shred of appraisal he received for this incredible masterpiece. Like in most of his films, there are no clichés, predictable outcomes, or likely story lines. It's a different kind of war movie, and it shines like a thousand diamonds. It just has to be seen to be believed.

Hopefully by now I have implied a sense that this film kicks butt. Even though Apocalypse Now is currently the best war movie in my book, this still has to be considered a contender for that title. So go ahead and give it a whirl. You won't be disappointed one bit.

**** out of *****
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Interesting and exciting movie
10 February 2003
Reservoir Dogs left me a little disappointed when I watched it for the first time. But ever since then I've thought about it a little more, and now I would have to say that it's probably as good as everyone says it is. Quentin Tarantino did a wonderful job with this truly unique movie, which will keep viewers on the edge of their seats with thrills, surprises, and tense scenes. These and a great cast make it one of the greatest gangster movies of all time.

Four criminals are assembled to pull off the perfect crime: A huge robbery of a jewelry store. But their heist turns into an ambush when the cops unexpectedly arrive sooner than they thought. Mr. White (Harvey Keitel) escapes with a severely injured Mr. Orange (Tim Roth), and Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi) gets away from the cops in a stolen car. Wisecracking Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen), who recently got out of jail, went nuts during the robbery. Mr. White becomes suspicious of him, and accuses him of being the police informer he believes is in the group. Blonde, however, captured a cop as proof that he isn't the police informer. But who is? The twist filled plot unravels into a story that shows how the Reservoir Dogs came to be, and all of the flashbacks lead up to the disrupted robbery. Reservoir Dogs is a film that is filled to the rafters with great suspense and strong yet funny humor. Tarantino puts you right in the middle of it all with the flashback sequences, like when Mr. Orange tells Joe Cabot (Lawrence Tierney), `Nice Guy' Eddie Cabot (Chris Penn) and Mr. Blonde the story of when he walked into a bathroom filled with cops with a suitcase full of marijuana in his hands. I loved the film's beginning with the Dogs in the coffee shop, and of course, the ever-famous walking scene. The movie carries a lot of power and action that's perfectly done, allowing for some very memorable scenes. However, Tarantino also loads it with tons of violence and profanity, putting the F word in almost every sentence spoken. I was just praying that there would be a 10-second span with no cussing. But I guess that's just Quentin Tarantino, and the violence and profanity don't take the fun out of the ride (Although those elements would overshadow some of the good elements in Pulp Fiction).

All in all, Reservoir Dogs is a cool movie with fun thrills, cool scenes, and memorable performances. Be sure to watch it if you haven't checked it out yet.

*** and a half out of *****
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Casablanca (1942)
Hollywood at its absolute best
8 February 2003
I just watched Casablanca last night, and it's one of the greatest films I have ever seen in my life. Everything about it is great. For one, it is one of the most gripping love stories ever to hit the screens, and its romantic drama has rarely been matched since it was made. Same goes for the acting, which is some of the finest in film history. All of this and more will put together one of the greatest movies you will ever see. Period.

Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) is an ex-freedom fighter who now runs a nightclub in Casablanca, a place filled entirely with French refugees seeking unauthorized transit passes so they can escape to America. Victor Laszlo (Paul Henreid), who is at the top of the Nazi most wanted list, comes to Casablanca with his wife Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman), a former lover of Blaine who departed him when the Nazis overtook Paris. She wants her husband to escape, but her love for Rick re-ignites, and she wants to stay in Casablanca. However, things become more dangerous for the Laszlos, and despite their revived love for each other, Rick convinces Ilsa that she must leave with her husband. He then sees her off on a plane on a fog-enshrouded runway in one of the greatest movie conclusions of all time.

There are so many moments, many of which will forever be unforgotten, in Casablanca that stand out even when compared to greater or bigger films. Every scene is gripping, like when Rick has a flashback to his romantic times with Ilsa in Paris while piano player Sam (Dooley Wilson) plays "As Time Goes By", or when Rick walks out onto the runway and tells Capt. Renault (Claude Rains), "Louis, I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship". But these invincible moments obviously don't need retelling, for almost everyone knows of them. As for the timeless cast, Humphrey Bogart is simply stunning as the leading man. The class, drama, and brilliance in his performance are impossible to match, although there have been countless attempts to try to surpass it. Ingrid Bergman is simply gorgeous, and contributes a performance that's worth cheering for. In fact, all of the performances in this movie will have you cheering.

This is the kind of film that many other Hollywood movies have followed the footsteps of, yet probably very few have rivaled or suprassed. In a nutshell, Casablanca is a sweeping classic that will leave you breathless. From Humphrey Bogart's classy acting to the great ending, there is not a flaw to speak of. In the battle of the ultimate classics, it's not as good as Citizen Kane (despite a higher star rating, but star ratings don't speak all of the volumes in my book). But it's still a fantastic movie. Watch it and enjoy it.

`Here's looking at you kid!'

***** out of *****
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Taxi Driver (1976)
Chilling and dark classic from Scorsese
6 February 2003
Warning: Spoilers
(POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD)

Despite some disturbing elements, Taxi Driver, one of many acclaimed films from the legendary Martin Scorsese, is a real winner. Scorsese does an incredible job illustrating the bad side of New York, a place full of dopes, pimps, and hookers. It is a place where war veteran Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro) works everyday, always observing the rough activity that goes on as he escorts several people, some of which are mentally ill and crazy. Travis longs deeply for someone to come and eliminate the foul events that occur in the street. He is a shaky person who is hardly in touch with anything that goes on in the world, and he spends his time attending porn movies and writing in his diary, always describing life as it goes on and sometimes changes. Despite his image and his slight mental problems, Bickle is actually a very truthful person who often knows what is right and what's wrong. Bickle spends most of his time watching campaign worker Betsy (Cybill Shepherd) and convinces her to go out with him. His liking for her causes him to take interest in the same things that she likes, and things go well for him. But Travis angers Betsy after he takes her to an XXX movie, and she falls out of touch. This and a few encounters with teenage prostitute Iris (Jodie Foster) make Bickle want to take action. He purchases a set of guns and makes up many interesting ways of drawing them out, such as a track on his arm that will make the gun slide into firing position when his arm is cocked. His first step towards redemption is the murder of a man who holds a convenience store clerk at gunpoint. Bit by bit, he gets darker in personality. He attempts to murder presidential candidate Charles Palantine (Leonard Harris), whom he told he supported only because he wanted to become friends with Betsy. But he realizes that Palantine is not a worthy candidate, and is only stopped by a bodyguard whom he had spent time shooting the breeze with beforehand. He later meets pimp `Sport' Matthew (Harvey Keitel), who uses Iris and her friend as hookers. Travis arranges to have sex with Iris, but only to convince her that she is leading the wrong kind of life. After much persuasion, Iris and her friend begin to follow his lead. Bickle later shoots Matthew and the other people who control Iris, and she returns to her parents. He is seriously hurt, but he recovers and continues his job. Travis is hailed and praised by many newspapers and people, but he takes it in stride and returns to the regular life of hanging out with his taxi driving pals and cruising the streets, just like always.

Taxi Driver, put shortly, is one of the greatest films of our time. I loved the dark aspects of the film that Martin Scorsese put in, and the story is inspiring. Robert De Niro delivers a remarkable portrayal of the classic Travis Bickle, a truly one-of-a-kind character. This movie will make you cringe a lot, but that doesn't derail the film's greatness. It has the ever-famous dialogue (`You talkin' to me? You, talkin' to me?') that millions upon millions of people have repeated, ridiculed, and adored. The whole film is brilliantly put together, and I recommend it. However, there are some rather disturbing scenes, and the violence was a little over the top and gross. Anyone who is sensitive to violence or strong sexual scenes probably shouldn't check this out. But truthfully, those two elements are the only things that kept this film from getting a perfect score from me.

**** out of *****
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Very poor movie
2 February 2003
Many say that the 1980's was a rough decade for Bond. In terms of money and success, that is true. But film wise it was a good decade, and there are hardly any flaws. If you include Never Say Never Again, that statement is a little off the mark. Even though it's a remake of the brilliant Thunderball, it's very disappointing. It's also proof that only the Broccolis can make Bond films.

Since I have already seen every official Bond so far, I decided to rent Never Say Never Again instead of Full Metal Jacket to go along with Reservoir Dogs and The Deer Hunter in my movie rental package on Friday. Full Metal Jacket is considered a classic movie (many of which I have been watching lately), and I would love to see it. But I was really curious to check out NSNA, so I picked it instead, just for the heck of it. Since Saving Private Ryan was too violent to put on while my little sister was awake, I checked this out to kill some time. As soon as the botchy pattern of 007 logos appeared on the screen I knew the 80's had gotten to Bond after all. Rather than start with the gun barrel and an eye catching title sequence, we see Bond invading a wealthy province of some kind while the theme song plays. Now, first off, the theme is lame. It sounds like someone slapping a keyboard while a woman sings like a skipping record. And to top that off, she doesn't sound like she's singing it with a lot of effort or power. Where are Maurice Binder and Shirley Bassey when you need them?

The beginning, however, is actually pretty OK. We see Bond breaking into the house and blowing guards away until he comes to a woman who is tied to a bed, who stabs him in the chest with a knife when freed. It then skips to Bond, M (who looks like he's still in college), and some other guy watching the entire mission on tape. M tells Bond that he wants to eliminate all of the toxins in Bond's body and make him a healthier man, so he is sent to a health center. There are many funny following scenes, such as when the nurse asks Bond to fill a beaker with urine and he responds, "You mean from where I'm standing?" Overall it's pretty decent, and the fight sequence has a funny ending. From there on the plot is pretty much the same as Thunderball, except for the fact that some of the names are changed (The last name of Domino and her brother is Petachi instead of Derval). NSNA has some inventive sequences as well as good humor, like when Fatima Blush (Barbara Carrera) throws a snake into Jack Petachi's car, causing him to crash into a wall. She then picks up the snake and kisses and fondles it while Petachi's car explodes. The effects of the flying missiles were cool, and the trick scene with the exploding hotel room is good. And even though Bond is definitely not a video game kind of guy, the Domination competition was well done too.

Despite some really cool action, Never Say Never Again still fails on several levels. There isn't a single Thunderball based scene that is an improvement over the original. Although the ending shootout was good, it doesn't fill the void left by the absence of an underwater climax. And how bad was the ending? I don't even need to compare it to the one in Thunderball. And yes, I know that this was made by different producers and that it was unofficial. But casting different people as Bond's popular allies is still not a good experiment. The guy who played Q was OK, but he still didn't have any real enthusiasm, charm, or excitement like Llewelyn. Plus, he gives just one invention: A pen that fires its head, which is not too inspiring. Even though Pamela Salem was a decent Moneypenny, I'd still choose Lois Maxwell or Samantha Bond over her on any given day. And if Kevin McClory is ever going to make another Bond movie (I'll pray that he doesn't), will somebody please tell him that he should cast an older person as M? Like Q, M's part is rather dull as well. He just retells the widely known fact that Bond drinks too much and has sex a lot, and he doesn't really put any brutal backlashes or orders in his speech like the more preferable M in the regular Bonds. With these scenes somebody could watch Never Say Never Again and, if they didn't know the order of the Bonds, could believe it was the first in the series. Even though it was a different crew, they still could have made the movie better had they taken the usual Bond movie components and found a different way to use them rather than reintroduce them. And what were they thinking when they cast Klaus Maria Brandauer as Largo? In comparison to Adolfo Celi, I'd say he'd be lucky enough to spit shine Celi's shoes. Connery delivered a fantastic performance though, and proved that age couldn't stop him from being a great Bond. Kim Basinger was pretty cute, but she still didn't make a very historic Bond girl. Carrera reminded me greatly of Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye, and was pretty attractive as well. But she still doesn't make much of a difference. It was interesting to see Max von Sydow from The Exorcist as Blofeld, and he wasn't that bad, even though he was definitely no Telly Savalas. There is even an appearance by Rowan Atkinson, who is well known for playing the popular Mr. Bean. All in all, the cast was below average.

To put it shortly, NSNA is pretty bad. McClory punched in some cool parts, but the film seems kind of rushed and is slightly boring. It will make you wish badly that you were watching a different Bond movie. After viewing this, any other Bond film will be welcome. Believe me. Just for protection, prepare a healthy Never Say Never Again emergency kit. It should include at least one good Bond movie, the Thunderball book, and music samples from the other Bond films. However, this film is worth checking out overall, especially if you've seen everything else. And for some campy fun, there are even leg warmers. But don't expect another Goldfinger or For Your Eyes Only out of this one.

** out of *****
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Ed Wood (1994)
10/10
Delightful and hilarious comedy
31 January 2003
After being entertained by Plan 9 From Outer Space, I was pretty excited to check this out. I found the copy we own and put it in the tape player. I can say only one thing: I absolutely love this movie!!!!! I had so much fun watching it. I even clapped when it was over! Tim Burton's charming, witty, and flawless comedy is a major contender for the most unique movie of all time. Other than that it's entertaining from beginning to end. Johnny Depp captures the hilarity and ineptitude of Edward D. Wood Jr., a name synonymous with many people and one of the first thoughts that will come to mind when the term "bad movie" is brought up. Depp will crack you up as he takes you through the many ups and not too distant downs of Wood's career. Watching this movie has left me under the impression that Depp is a fabulous actor (which I'm sure he is), and I really want to check out more of his movies. In fact, Depp's portrayal was so great, it's one of the best performances I have ever seen.

The movie begins with Wood attending his own play at an old shack on a rainy night, and the audience members are either asleep or talking with one another. Despite being slated in the papers, Wood still focuses on the rare positive comments such as `The soldiers' clothes looked realistic' rather than face the fact that his production stunk. Later that night, Wood tells his wife about his worries of making it in Hollywood, and she assures him that things will get better. After being rejected for the directing job of `I Changed My Sex', Wood meets Bela Lugosi (Martin Landau), who is now old, washed up, and out of a job. Plus, very few people know he's still alive. But Wood is thrilled and wants to cast him in a movie. Ed convinces the creator of `I Changed My Sex' to let him direct it and gets the job. He writes the script, changing the title to `Glen or Glenda'. It is after his wife's reading of the script that she finds Wood in female clothing, revealing his passion for wearing it. `Glen or Glenda' proves to be so bad that it only premieres in Alabama, Missouri, and Indiana. He later slews together several misfits such as wrestler Tor Johnson (George Steele), future-predicting Criswell (Jeffrey Jones), and Lugosi for his next movie called `Bride of The Atom', which is renamed `Bride of The Monster'. Despite being kicked out of the perfect studio for not paying, he still goes on without any doubt. He gets the owner of a meat butchering company to pay for the film after two unsuccessful donation parties. And for the exciting climax, he has Bela Lugosi fight a giant rubber octopus. At the premiere, the cast is pelted with concessions and garbage, and they make it out just in time to catch a taxi, missing the entire movie. Later on, Ed learns that Lugosi, who had admitted earlier that he was addicted to drugs, has just died. He is heartbroken, and as a tribute, his movie, `Grave Robbers From Outer Space', is billed as the final film of Bela Lugosi. Since Wood is in a tight spot financially, he seals a deal with his apartment landlord to help him make the film. His associates provide ideas that he doesn't like, making him disgruntled. But when he gets an inspirational speech from his lifelong hero Orson Welles (Vincent D'Onofrio), he is once again motivated to finish the movie, renamed `Plan 9 From Outer Space'. After finishing the film, Wood claims that it will be the film that they remember him by. And he receives a standing ovation at the premiere.

This is a one-of-a-kind film. What's so funny about the ending is that it takes the common `character gets discouraged, character gets inspirational speech and advice, character gets back in and wins' element and adds a funny and different kind of twist to it. The same can be said about the story in general, which tells the story of one of the worst directors of all time rather than show you the times of a successful figure. It's hard to pick the best scene, but I especially loved when the three men were previewing Glen or Glenda (`Pull the string! Pull the string!'). I also liked the scene where the guy couldn't tell the difference between the red and green dresses that Loretta King had to pick since he was colorblind, which is funny since the entire film is in black and white. The performances of Wood's common associates and cast members are inspiring and fun to watch, and I also have to give plenty of credit to Juliet Landau for being really hot. All of the famous moments of his career are captured perfectly, and there's even a touching subplot that shows how much Wood loved Lugosi. Landau definitely deserved the Academy Award he received, for he too does a great job playing his part. He even delivered some of the movie's best lines. Bill Murray also has a fun to watch performance during the show. Even if you're not into Ed Wood's movies or his career, you'll still be greatly entertained by Burton's out-of-this-world movie. A big recommendation, especially if you need a different kind of movie to crack you up. So sit back and enjoy, because you won't see another movie like this for a long, long time.

***** out of *****
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1/10
About as fun as dying
26 January 2003
Forget Plan 9 From Outer Space. THIS takes the cake for the worst movie of all time. I can't believe I even paid any money for it! I actually thought that this wouldn't be as bad as everyone says, and it did have a really cool trailer. Instead it ended up being worse than I expected. It carries the basic elements of a good movie (action, romance, etc.) and under uses them. Okay, so those elements don't always make a good movie. But they could have been excellent sub-plots in this film, as they appeared to be at first. I can't even believe this is called a "movie". It's more like a bunch of big actors overplaying their parts and spewing unflattering and stupid dialogue during a bunch of dumb scenes. Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, and of course, John Travolta all shame themselves in this mess. They are very good actors and I respect a lot of the choices they have made throughout their careers. But their performances in this smell worse than rabbit feces. There is a plot to speak of that's easy to describe, but it's so dumb I don't really want to put any effort into deciphering it. Oh well, here it goes.

It is the year 3000, and man is now an endangered species. They are scattered in groups all over, hiding from the Psychlos, an alien species that has ruled earth for the last 1000 years. Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) sets out to find a beast that was described in a cave tale and is captured by the Psychlos. He then encourages all of the other captured humans to revolt against the Psychlos. The plot gets dumber and more complex, mainly because it lost my attention after about an hour and thirty minutes. What's to say? Well, actually there's a lot to say. First off, you'll know the film is going to be bad as soon as it starts with incredibly sucky scene transitions, and it continues for the rest of the film. First Tyler learns about his parents' deaths, which cuts to a second long shot of him at their graves, and is instantly followed by the cave scene. The connection between these (and just about all of the other) scenes was really choppy, and the "opening doors" effect just didn't cut it. To add to the ridiculously giant plot holes, only about seven of the characters are properly introduced. Sheesh! I hope that whoever edited this never works in the movie industry again. Oh, and did I mention that John Travolta sounds more like a kid in a candy store than a villain? I would also have to agree with just about everyone else on the statement that he looks like a moron. Now jump to when Jonnie is captured by the Psychlos, which is followed by scene after scene after scene of him running away, and each one ends with him getting shot by guns that look like Nerf pistols. And the guns don't even kill him! Wouldn't the Psychlos consider using a more lethal weapon after the first two or three chases? Guess not. The rest of the scenes mainly just show Terl and Ker having discussions with either each other or some guy who has a neck bigger than earth itself and Barry Pepper and his nameless friends "easily" finding out how to save earth. Gee, if I were a Psychlo, I think I would believe it would make perfectly good sense to not let my enemies have access to potentially vital information, even with the biggest guarantee that there would be "nothing that could help them". There's also the incredibly lame Psychlo language session, the freaky chick with the huge head and long tongue, and the cavemen instantly learning how to fly fighter jets. Sure they've had to hide in caves for hundreds of years, but to have them marvel at being able to pronounce "warning" is just plain dumb. And how many times did they say "piece of cake"? I wonder if it outnumbers the number of scenes showing Jonnie getting captured and worthlessly beating up somebody. As much as I love action and big battles, the jet fight wasn't really thrilling, nor was the gun duel. They were just plain bad, but the fact that the movie has most likely bored you to tears by then isn't much of a benefit itself.

Another bad thing in this film is that there are parts that will remind you of better movies. Pepper's hair and the guy who looks like Aragorn are likely to make you think about Lord Of The Rings, the detonator removal scene is reminiscent of The Spy Who Loved Me, and the Fort Knox scenes will trigger thoughts of Goldfinger. All three are movies I should have been watching instead of this. But to ease the suffering, my sister and I did spend about 60 minutes making fun of it, and I recommend that you come up with your own plan to pass the time if you plan on watching it as well. The only positive factor I can arouse when referring to this movie is that it would make a fantastic episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. But since that was canceled before this was made, there are no existing aspects of the film that are half enjoyable.

By now you should get the picture. This film sucks big time. It's so bad that when I got up to get some orange juice in the kitchen, I could feel my brain rotting. It also fueled a nostalgia for Plan 9. Really, it did! Roger Christian ought to be ashamed of himself for making this. Amazing how a guy who worked on something like The Phantom Menace could be responsible for something this bad. So in short, cavemen can fly jets, Psychlos look like the Coneheads, learning a new language can be done by zapping it into your eyes, and Pepper has hairstyles that make him look like a girl. Whoop-dee-doodle-do.

0 out of *****
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Dazzling
25 January 2003
Lawrence Of Arabia, the amazing treasure from director David Lean, is dazzling. It's an exciting, mind blowing, thought capturing movie of epic proportions. It took me two days to watch it, but I was still thrilled all the way through. Everything was perfect: The action, the acting, the cast, the scenes, and the score. Based on a true story, the film tells the tale of British soldier T.E. Lawrence (Peter O'Toole), who is sent to Arabia by his disgruntled general to help the Arabians in their revolt against Turkey during World War one. He joins the group of Prince Feisal (Alec Guinness) and leads fifty of his men across the desert to a faraway city. On the way, when they reach the end of a barren strip with no water, Lawrence realizes that one person has been left behind. Sherif Ali Ibn El Kharish (Omar Sherif) criticizes Lawrence's decision, telling him that he will die trying. Lawrence ends up saving the man's life and earns momentous respect from his fellow travelers. His name also becomes of great honor. He eventually conjoins his group with another that is led by Auda abu Tayi (Anthony Quinn) and their success becomes even greater as they conquer more territory and defeat armies of Turks. But a brutal beating in the office of a Turkish Bey (Jose Ferrer) makes him realize that his place is with his own people. In the end, he must decide whether his loyalties are with the Arabs or the British.

I can guarantee that you will be stunned by this film. There are amazing and grabbing moments from start to finish. Arabia may not be a scenic land, but the settings and filming locations are just beautiful. Lean will capture you with sweeping shots of the barren land that Lawrence must cross, although some of them go on a little too long. The movie has an extremely lengthy running time, so it will definitely need your full attention. But that does allow for some pretty exciting action. I give every performance contributed two big thumbs up, like those of Omar Sherif, Anthony Quinn, and Alec Guinness, who would later go on to play the famous Obi Wan Kenobi. Peter O'Toole captures the magic of the story with a perfect portrayal of T.E. Lawrence as well. Plus, the two young servant kids reminded me of Merry and Pippin from the Lord Of The Rings films. There are some rather sad moments, and the ending was a little disappointing. However, those don't take away the magic of this classic. I recommend it to everybody!

**** out of *****
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The pinnacle of bad movies
24 January 2003
As a big fan of bad movies, I knew I would definitely have to check out Plan 9 eventually. I just watched it yesterday, and it's easily the worst movie I've ever seen. This one blows right past such stinkers as Eegah and Mighty Morphin: A Power Rangers Movie, and any film that's worse than movies like that is definitely no work of art. It's easily the biggest camp classic of all time, but not even it's ineptitude can make it good.

In what is Ed Wood's biggest "masterpiece", two aliens prepare to launch "Plan 9" on earth, which they'll do by turning dead humans into zombies and have them overtake the capitals of the earth. Familiar Wood movie faces Tor Johnson, Vampira (What's with the thighs?), and Bela Lugosi are cast as the zombies, although Lugosi only appears shortly due to his untimely death. But Ed Wood still came up with a solution: He hired a local chiropractor to put a cape over his face for the rest of the scenes he was supposed to be in. Johnson and Vampira also look ridiculous, and let's not forget the aliens that look like humans.

Wood's effects will crack you up, such as the hubcap flying saucers, the liquid oil flames on the spaceship, and the cheap looking graves. Every single scene is flawed in at least one way (For instance, there's one part where you can see the studio lights reflected on a television screen). Most of the scenes don't make sense, and there are plot holes bigger than Tor Johnson. But it is an Ed Wood movie after all! Plan 9 is also riddled with tons of average Hollywood dialogue (and some stock footage), making it the perfectly typical Hollywood B-flick. But simply put, the movie is a bore fest. Despite its slightly short running time you'll be yearning for it to end after the first minute. But if you're a fan of bad movies, you'll be entertained to say the least.

All in all, I do recommend this if you want to see how bad a movie can get. It's awful, but like most old B-movies it's fun in a campy way. Now I have the urge to watch the `Ed Wood' movie that was made a few years ago.

0 out of *****
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The Godfather (1972)
10/10
Masterpiece
21 January 2003
Unbelievable as it may sound, the first time I watched The Godfather I got too tired and we stopped the tape. After that I didn't forgive myself until I finally decided to rent it again. The second time around I made it to the end and I loved it. Of all the movies I've watched, I feel that this one has had the biggest impact on me. To me, being allowed to watch The Godfather is a gift. It's more than just watching a great movie: It's like observing a timeless piece of art by Leonardo Da Vinci.

The Godfather is a movie that tells the touching and invincible tail of the Corleones, an Italian family living in New York that is involved in the mafia affairs in the city. A drug lord named Virgil Sollozzo wants to start shipping drugs all over New York and asks Don Vito Corleone (Marlon Brando) to help him with his affairs. Corleone does not approve of the idea and would rather stick to his own business. Angry with the rejection, Sollozzo sends two of his thugs try to kill him, but he survives. Michael (Al Pacino), the youngest of all the sons, wants to be the man to protect his father, although the other members of the family don't want him caught up in the affair. The plot rises in levels of drama and thrills as the film goes on, and it just gets better and better. Most of the scenes easily stand out as some of the greatest moments in movie history, such as:

The beginning. What else? No one could ever forget the thought provoking scenes with Brando stroking his cat and negotiating with his close friends and relatives.

Michael's assassination of the cop and Sollozzo at a small diner.

Michael being named the new godfather.

The killings of family enemies during the baptism.

Of course, these are not the only fantastic scenes in the movie. The Godfather also has an A++ cast, like almost everyone who has watched it will tell you. It practically made the careers of Francis Ford Coppola, James Caan, Robert Duvall, and of course, Al Pacino. Best of all, it has Marlon Brando at what could be his finest (I still haven't seen Apocalypse Now). I know it's been said many times, but I'll add my two cents anyway by saying that The Godfather is a classic and is pretty much flawless.

***** out of *****
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Eegah (1962)
Worst movie ever?
20 January 2003
Oh my god, this is bad. Really bad! I just rented the MST3K version of this, and it was hilarious. I'm now an MST3K fan if I do say so myself. But only Joel and the Bots can save you from this inhumanly awful abomination.

First off, half of the scenes are pointless and/or meaningless. The movie begins with a shot of a desert and the credits begin, although it's nothing but a bunch of shots of fake looking skeletons with cheap paint and tape spelling out the words while smoke billows across the screen and music that sounds like someone practicing guitar strings plays. Gee, I just can't figure out why the person who made these credits doesn't have his name next to Maurice Binder.

After the stale credits, we start the movie with Roxy (Marilyn Manning) leaving a department store, getting into her car, and driving to a gas station. There she encounters her boyfriend Tom (Arch Hall Jr.) and tells him about some stupid bathing suit she bought. My god, what is with Arch Hall Jr.'s face? No wonder Joel and the Bots kept going "Ew!" every time it was shown. Anyways, Roxy continues her drive and encounters Eegah (Richard Kiel). She instantly faints for no apparent reason while Eegah checks out the car. He accidentally honks the horn, which scares him. He then prepares to bash the car with his club when Tom comes in with his car and scares Eegah off with his headlights.

As the movie goes on, it only gets worse. And that's a guarantee, for Eegah is riddled with torturous scenes, such as Tom singing teenage love songs and the incredibly stupid dune buggy scene, where Roxy constantly screams "Whee!" over and over again and Tom says "Watch this!" like he's going to do some kind of stunt, and he does: He just drives some more. Amazing, huh? But that's just one of many things that easily show what a low budget this movie had. For instance, during the notoriously boring and overly long cave scenes, you can notice a tarp rippling above Eegah's cave drawings. Then cut to the dune buggy escape, where our three stupid friends here seem to forget that when a threat is chasing you, you drive AWAY from it. Eegah also has what could be the worst ending of all time, where two cops shoot Eegah to death, even though you can clearly see no smoke coming out of their gun barrels. They also have their guns slightly pointing at the ground as they shoot. And who was the genius who thought that having Roxy's father break down a book chapter would be good ending dialogue?

This is truly an awful movie, and it may be the worst of all time. At least bad enough to make The Fast And The Furious look like The Godfather. Be sure to have the MST3K version rolling, because watching this without Joel and the Bots is more painful than having a giant icicle lodged in your brain.

0 out of 5
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A touching masterpiece
19 January 2003
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, based on the best selling novel by the late Ken Kesey, is perhaps the greatest emotional ride in the history of movies. Jack Nicholson plays Randle P. McMurphy, a convicted criminal who pretends to be mentally ill. He is sent to a mental hospital, and he fits in well. McMurphy observes the sometimes degrading life at the asylum and does outrageous things to try and make the patients realize that there's so much more to life than what the nurses tell them. Nurse Ratched (Louise Flethcer) becomes annoyed by McMurphy's behavior, and tries to stick to her own plans for the patients rather than allow his activities. Randle makes many touching outreaches to the patients, such as the quiet Chief Bromden (Will Sampson), who is taught how to raise his arms into the air and put a basketball in the net. These scenes are some of the greatest in film history. I just loved the part where McMurphy gets a 10 out of 18 vote to watch the World Series, yet Ratched rejects it because the meeting held during the voting was over. But he fills the void by shouting out commentary and exciting the others. The "He hits a f****** home run!" line cracked me up. The moments in this movie are moving and hilarious, like when Randle takes the boys out for a fishing trip and when he hides his medication in his mouth and spits it at one of the patients. Overall this movie is actually as much of a comedy as it is a drama movie. And the drama is very powerful as well. The ending is sad, but it is fantastic.

To support the classic moments, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest has a wonderful cast that features Danny Devito, the entertaining Christopher Lloyd, and Brad Dourif, who recently appeared in Lord Of The Rings and The Two Towers. Jack Nicholson himself provides one of the greatest performances ever. This flick is a true delight to anyone who watches. I can guarantee it.

**** and a half out of *****
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A truly classic thriller
18 January 2003
L.A. Confidential is, without one single doubt, one of the greatest movies. Ever. If I should start this review with its flaws, I can't say anything. This movie is perfect.

The film is mainly about three cops working for the corrupt L.A. police force in the 1950's. The cops are Jack Vincennes (Kevin Spacey), who books movie stars so the newspaper "Hush Hush" can cook up some juicy headlines about it, Ed Exley (Guy Pearce), a fresh new cop who's trying to live up to his father's high ranks, and Bud White (Russell Crowe), a tough officer who will go to any means to get the job done. When three patrons are slain at a coffee shop, these three men are sent in to investigate, and many different clues and people are unraveled. Even when a prime suspect is arrested, it still doesn't prove to be the final key in the mystery, for there are many people who play important roles in the case. After all, nothing is what it seems.

This film is loaded with surprising and awesome scenes that will definitely catch you off guard. I recommend that you strap yourself to your chair, because this movie will sweep you right off your feet. It's loaded with fantastic gun duels and suspenseful moments. The cast is also perfect. I was totally swept away by the performances of Pearce, Crowe, and Spacey. Every scene is grabbing, and each one speaks massive volumes of the scenarios. There are hardly any films that are as well directed and filmed as L.A. Confidential. I could go on and on with positive comments for god's sake. I just recently checked the book out of the library as well. There is only one word that can summarize this movie: Classic.

In short, this is a movie that will wow anybody. I recommend it for anyone, but if you're a fan of complex and intriguing mysteries with many layers, you'll absolutely love this for sure. If you haven't seen it, just buy it already.

My rating: **** out of *****
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A few more comments
14 January 2003
I'm going to update my first review with some corrections. First off it does have some great action, like Bond battling a helicopter in a field, the raid on the gypsy camp, and the awesome battle between Bond and Red Grant. I also greatly admire Pedro Armendariz's role as Kerim Bey, which sadly proved to be his last role before he committed suicide. And yes, I know: all of Desmond Llewelyn's appearances except for License To Kill were cameos. What I meant was his role was short, for I just didn't realize what I was writing. Also, this is one of the greatest movies of all time.
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Citizen Kane (1941)
An unforgettable classic
13 January 2003
Just a couple of nights ago I had the privilege of watching Citizen Kane, and although this may be a movie that isn't recommended for teens, I absolutely loved it. The classic masterpiece that launched Orson Welles into the film industry is easily one of the greatest films of all time.

Citizen Kane has an intriguing beginning. Welles easily captures you with the scenes of Kane's province, first showing a "No Trespassing" sign that instantly let me know I was watching a great movie. The camera moves up to Charles Kane on his death bed, where he mutters the unforgettable word "Rosebud" and then drops his snow globe. When the News On The March part began I was charmed, and it was very creative. I'll admit I was fooled a bit, thinking that the whole film was going to be a news show. But instead it develops into a plot that revolves around a journalist searching for what Kane meant by Rosebud. The film shows Kane's life from the day he was adopted by a rich man named Mr. Thatcher and continues on through the many interesting debacles and triumphs that surrounded him for the rest of his days. What can I say? The film is incredible. It has many great characters and plenty of interesting aspects that make you glad you're watching it. It moves you during every second. I was amazed by the many great scenes and moments, such as Kane's speech during his run for governor, Kane watching his wife sing at the opera in disbelief, and his tantrum when he threw objects across the room after the departure of his second wife and then discovered his snow globe, which made him realize that he longed for the simple days of his childhood.

Very few movies have been able to recapture the magic of Citizen Kane. I may not agree with most people on the statement that it's THE greatest movie of all time, but I love it anyway and it's one of my favorites.

Overall rating: 4 out of 5.
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2/10
A true stinker, but you were expecting L.A. Confidential?
11 January 2003
Yes, this movie truly does suck. But observe my review summary folks. I'm not going to say I liked this movie, but it is a Power Rangers flick after all. It's supposed to be bad! I'm sure that when the writers were cooking this up they intentionally threw in average dialogue and bad fighting. After all, when the crowd you're trying to appeal to is a bunch of 5-year-old boys who run around in clunky Power Rangers costumes and wear PR underwear, you know you don't have to work too hard.

I'll admit I never was a Power Rangers fan. I can still remember back in the mid-90's when the show was huge, and a lot of my friends were into it. But even at age 6 I never did view Power Rangers as a ray of hope from the heavens like most boys. I always thought their outfits were stupid and that the villains looked dumb. And at age 13 my opinion hasn't changed one bit (Gee, go figure.). But you see, the reason we ended up with this monstrosity is because we received it as a Christmas gift from one of my dad's students, and she comes from a family that doesn't have a lot of money, so forgive.

Now, let's get down to the point. In some construction yard an egg containing the evil Ivan Ooze (Oh god...here we go) has been dug up and opened, releasing the evil piece of snot to terrorize the world, even though he couldn't pull off a robbery at a convenience store. Ooze goes to the Power Rangers' control center and destroys everything, leaving the place in ruins and stripping leader Zordon of his powers. The Power Rangers must go to some planet and learn some powers to save him and destroy Ooze. As if the plot isn't bad enough, the film only gets worse. The first sequence has the Poopy Rangers sky-diving while a pop version of Stevie Wonder plays in the background. The song is catchy, but come on: Why is music from a genuine musician like Stevie Wonder in such a lifeless film? Anyway, let's skip everything and go to where our "heroes" discover Ivan's egg, and then engage in an incredibly fake battle with Ooze's drones. Then comes the parking garage scene, where the Rangers constantly strike their stupid fighting pose and react to drops of water. Then they find the boogers and fight them while simultaneously delivering sucky catch phrases every 3 seconds, a tradition that is revived later on. I couldn't spot any cables or tracks, but you can still tell they're being used anyway. For instance, how do you explain the scene with the blue ranger falling but going into a pillar rather than touching the ground? Nuff said. They eventually squash all of the goobers, and let me state that the scenes of them getting squashed aren't the least bit violent. I don't need to explain the rest, for it only gets dumber somehow. And I'll let you in on a very surprising secret: I haven't even watched it all the way through. I would have seen everything, but my parents told me I didn't have to watch it to be nice. Even as a teen you've got to admit that mom and dad are always right, and they were definitely right on this stinker. On the only plus side, Paul Freeman does actually deliver a good performance as Ivan Ooze, and is given the only lines that are sort of funny. He also seemed to be the only one who cared amidst an entire crew whose only intentions were to release a 6-year-old junk flick.

I'd say more, but I feel what I have stated is enough. One thing's for sure: I will never, ever forgive myself for watching this steaming pile of s***.

I'm gonna go watch some Spanish soaps now.

Overall rating: 1 out of 5.
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10/10
Best movie ever?
4 January 2003
I was in a bit of an unhappy mood when my father and his brothers took my sister and I to go see this. By the time I left the theater my mind was completely devoid of any unhappy thoughts. This was more than just a good movie: It could be the greatest film ever. Now a lot of people are going to disagree with that, but I don't care. This is even better than the first, and considering the fact that the first one is one of the greatest movies of all time, you know that you have a classic right here.

Rather than starting with flashback scenes like in the first, The Two Towers starts with Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood) having a dream about Gandalf's death during the Fellowship journey. Gandalf's battle with the fire monster while plummeting down into a deep cavern is the perfect climax to start the movie, and it's definitely the right way to pick up where Fellowship left off. But overall, TTT didn't start too well for me. It's great all the way through, but I thought it was overly violent and scary at first, two factors that made me think, "There's no way this is going to be better than the first one." The film does, however, get better and better from there on. There are many exciting twists and scenes that will surprise and excite you. The battle in Rohan (Or wherever it was: The place where everyone fled to and hid in the caves) was one of the most riveting cinematic moments I have ever experienced in my entire life. Like the brilliant Star Wars Episode 1, the ending switches between sequences like the tree invasion of Saruman's kingdom, and they're so good that even if you're on the brink of wetting your pants after that huge drink you had, you'll still remain planted in your seat just to see what happens. The scenes in this movie were so tense that I could feel my pulse racing, and when Gimli (John Rhys-Davis), my favorite character, jumped into the storm of invaders, I think I could have passed out.

If what I just said isn't enough to convince you that this is one of the greatest films of all time, then I don't know what to say. This movie has everything and beyond. And if you thought Ian Mckellen was great in the first, wait until he drops your jaw this time. All in all this film is perfect except for Smeagle, who, although proves to be an interesting character, gets pretty annoying and says the word precious too many times. But I'd much rather listen to him all day instead of Moaning Myrtle, the top candidate for most annoying movie character ever.

My rating: 5 out of 5
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Very good, but has a poor ending
27 December 2002
After watching this today I now have the distinction of saying I've seen every James Bond movie! Other than that I also have to say Diamonds are Forever is pretty good. You may be wondering why I like all of the hated films. It's not like enjoying the oft-considered low points of the series is impossible, but if you've read my Dr. No review and you think the reason I like them is because I'm too forgiving and biased, let me rub it off one more time by saying that I am not forgiving! The fact that Dr. No was the first was the reason I still gave it 3 stars. I'll admit I did want to like all of the Bond films (And pretty much did), but there have been some big disappointments and, yes, I do have a least favorite one: Dr. No. (I'm sorry if this whole "I'm not biased" thing is getting annoying, but I just want to make it clear.)

All right, let's get down to the point. In Diamonds Are Forever, Bond investigates a diamond smuggling operation and eventually finds out that Ernst Stavro Blofeld is associated with it as well, although he thought he killed him in the beginning. The movie starts a little more differently than the others, with the first scene showing Bond beating up a guy and asking for the location of Blofeld. He eventually finds his cloning station and "kills" Blofeld by pushing him into a boiling pool of mud. This was a pretty good way to start the film, but it's too short and is sort of forgettable. Shirley Bassey contributes her second theme song, which is easily one of the best. The rest of the film kicks off mainly with Bond impersonating smuggler Peter Franks while getting the location of the diamonds and Wint and Kidd giving the diamonds to associates and killing them afterwards. Tiffany Case (Jill St. John) was not the most stunning Bond girl. The award for hottest Bond woman goes to Paris Carver (Teri Hatcher) from Tomorrow Never Dies. But John was still pretty and was a very cool and even threatening character at first. However, that personality wears off as she gets dumber and more helpless as the film goes on. Although Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are very offensive, they still make good henchmen. There are also plenty of good lines ("Named after your father perhaps?"). The action such as the moon buggy chase is a little silly, but it's still OK. Overall, DAF is a very solid movie for almost the whole time. However, the good flow of the film slightly wears down towards the end. Although I love big battles in James Bond movies, the fight on the oil rig in this one is kind of boring. It mainly just takes the two previous films, You Only Live Twice and OHMSS, and combines their much better ending battles. To make matters worse, the explosion effects in this film are INCREDIBLY LAME!!!!!! If this had won any awards for best special effects, I would have conked myself on the head with a softball bat to make sure I wasn't in some kind of dream. The dialogue also gets really dumb too ("All of your troubles are behind you." and "She had such nice cheeks."), and Guy Hamilton spent way too much time filming Tiffany Case's butt. BLECH! I hope we never see that again. Norman Burton did a pretty bad job of playing Felix Leiter and is the worst Leiter of them all (One review here stated that he looked like a shopping clerk. I'd have to disagree: He looks more like a used car salesman.). I think the main reason I'm saying all this is because the film seemed to jump to the ending too quickly, which disappointed me. But even with an extra ten minutes of good scenes in between, the ending would still be bad. Bond's disposal of Wint and Kidd on the cruise is very funny and concludes the film well though. All in all, Diamonds Are Forever is not the four star movie it came close to being, but it's still a solid entry and is at least worth a look. But it's not the most underrated Bond film. That award most likely goes to the brilliant Die Another Day (Reading all of those negative reviews for DAD today made me sick. Hey purists: Sometimes things have to change!).

My rating: 3.5 out of 5.
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Well done
25 December 2002
All right, so The Man With The Golden Gun may not be the most exciting film in the series. Compared to the more thrilling Live And Let Die I can kind of see why people don't like it. It also has the worst theme song, annoyingly sung by Scottish pop singer Lulu. But this movie still has my vote, for it is very well made and has fantastic scenes, great scenery, and a nice score. In this one, Bond must kill Fransisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee), the world's most dangerous assassin who plans on converting solar energy into a destructive force. TMWTGG carries very interesting elements such as the golden gun itself, which overall proves to be one of the best Bond inventions, bar none (Why did Bond just leave it after he killed Scaramanga? He should have grabbed it). The karate scene, which most people consider to be stupid, is still pretty good and a bit funny. Like I said, there may not be action; however the car flip jump was very cool! The humor in this film, which I thought would be kind of dumb, turned out to be funny overall (You've got to admit that no matter how much people say Roger Moore's humor is dumb, it still proves to be entertaining). Roger Moore himself delivered a great performance, and Christopher Lee played one of the best villains. Maud Adams was terrific as well, and I'm glad she returned years later in Octopussy (Even in 1983 she was still attractive). Britt Ekland's character, Mary Goodnight, is annoying and helpless. But I believe her character idea was wasted. For one, she does look good in that bathing suit, and she was also an MI6 agent! But instead of giving her cool shooting skills or something, the only talents they gave her were getting kidnapped and being stupid. Quite disappointing. Hey, at least she's better than Tanya Roberts! Definitely can't stoop that low. Clifton James returns as sheriff J.W. Pepper, and yet again proves to be annoying but funny (Has anyone noticed that his mouth is the size of a grapefruit?). Herve Villechaize also provided some good comical relief (Although there already seems to be enough of it) in his role as Nick Nack. Another plus was the fun house duel, although I believe they jumped to the end of that sequence a little too quickly. But I guess that provides a surprise.

This movie is easily surprassed by most of the other films in the series, but it is still entertaining and it put me in a good mood, and sometimes you've got to be in the right mood for some Bond films. The Man With The Golden Gun is a very good thriller that's worth checking out. My rating: 4 out of 5.
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3/10
Extremely laughable surge of hormones
22 December 2002
Now, I have a question: Why did people even bother to see this movie? Come on, this is so bad it makes the first Rugrats Movie and Lilo and Stitch look like Lord of the Rings and The Spy Who Loved Me. I know I'm not the type for this kind of movie, but that's not going to let it off the hook. This film is loaded with despicable one-liners and a horrible soundtrack. I don't even know the plot. It's just about a bunch of racers in L.A., and one of them is an undercover cop who's looking for a bunch of hijackers or something like that. It's nothing to take you away. Oh, and starting the movie with two guys arguing about a tuna sandwich? Ooh, that's genius.

Even if that wasn't enough, the cast sucks, plain and simple. Rick Yune delivered a very good performance, but the performances of Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Michelle Rodriguez, and Vin Diesel (Blech) are pretty bad. This film is nothing but a bunch of street homies showing off their sports cars to impress a bunch of stupid girls. In fact, the title of this movie should be something like "Raging Hormones". There are its good points though. The effects of day changing to night are cool, the settings of L.A. for the first 20 minutes or so are pretty good, and the race scene is captivating. But most of the other action is pretty lame. There is some stuff to grab you, but nothing to entertain you. I can't believe I stayed up until midnight watching this when I could have been doing something more fun, like dusting mothballs off my clothes or washing dishes. I think I'd rather watch a movie called "The Telemarketer" than go through the living heck of watching this monstrosity again. Please spend your time watching a real movie like Star Wars, the James Bond movies, or Lord of the Rings. I think the only believable reason anyone would watch this would be to laugh at how bad it is. My rating for this: 2 out of 5.
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10/10
A masterpiece and one of the greatest movies of all time
21 December 2002
This movie is sheer brilliance. I can't believe I didn't watch it until just recently! The Fellowship of The Ring packs an incredible wallop with superb settings and designs, exciting battles, and a 5 star cast. Famous actors Ian Mckellen and Christopher Lee (One of my favorite actors) contribute timeless performances, and the rest of the cast leaves me speechless. Elijah Wood plays the main role of Frodo Baggins spectacularly, Sean Bean is cool, Viggo Mortensen is thrilling, and what can I say about Orlando Bloom? I LOVED HIS CHARACTER(Legolas Greenleaf)!!!! I also really like the guy with the big beard and the axe. Wasn't that John Rhys-Davies?

Anyways, this movie also moves well with its imaginative plot, courtesy of J.R.R. Tolkien. The Lord of The Rings will never let you escape for a second, with amazing battle scenes that feature a meagre number of battlers take out an entire army of trolls and baddies in outstanding fashion. There's also the captivating visual effects to grab you. As yet another plus, Peter Jackson perfectly illustrates Tolkien's story on the screen. So, yep. This movie is one of the greatest films of all time and is one of my most highly recommended favorites. It also gives me three important things to do: 1, read the book. 2, see The Two Towers. And 3, get this on DVD! My rating: 4.5 out of 5.
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Thunderball (1965)
One of Connery's best
20 December 2002
I watched this on Thanksgiving day (during the TNN marathon), and I'll say that I'm thankful I watched this. Thunderball, which was the most successful James Bond movie in terms of ticket sales, is an exciting ride. Two NATO bombs have been stolen, and MI6's agents only have a week to find them before they are set off. Bond investigates the operations of Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi), who is agent number 2 of the criminal organization S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Largo was a pretty good villain and is a classic. Bond's girl this time is the beautiful Domino Derval, who, in my opinion, fits better into a bathing suit more than any other Bond girl. Thunderball's settings are also cool as well, and Connery reaches another all time high in his career as Bond (I especially loved his "Do you mind if my partner sits this one out? She's just dead." line.) Another great part is, of course, the underwater fight. But I think it would have been cooler if Domino had been in that battle. Rik Van Nutter's portrayal of Felix Leiter is also good as well (The other contender for best Leiter is David Hedison). It's probably not as good as Goldfinger or From Russia With Love, but it's still a well made film that's one of the better ones in the series. Overall Thunderball's a pretty cool film that's worth checking out. My rating: 3 and a half out of 5.
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