kingbad Reviews

The Circle (I) (2017)

Circle jerks

[2/10 · 29 April 2017]

I hated this movie the first time I saw it- when it was called EdTV, The Net, etc. Probably meant to be a warning against Google's mission to gather all knowledge on Earth, this pretentious mess instead is a child's chalk sidewalk drawing of stick people being chased by cameras, or something. Starring Tom Hanks as hairy Steve Jobs, Emma Watson as the easily confused girl, Patton Oswalt as the (literal) heavy, and John Boyega as Steve "I was just trying to make Tinder!" Wozniak- or something like that. No believable characters or dialogue, no dramatic arc; imagine "Halt and Catch Fire" on Lifetime.

The Heat (I) (2013)

Appallingly bad

[2/10 · 30 June 2013]

I have no problem with remakes. Considering how much it costs to make a movie these days, selling something that people enjoyed the first time makes sense; it's a predictable return on the studio's investment, and it's easy to market a movie that's just like "so-and-so meets such-and- such". So, when a studio wants to remake an 80s buddy-cop comedy, with women in the lead roles, I say why not? There are enough Murphy-Nolte, Gibson-Glover, and Willis-everybody role models out there, how could you go wrong?

Here's how. Instead of ripping off a successful buddy-cop franchise, The Heat has Running Scared meeting The Odd Couple. Instead of a completely unconvincing pairing of a Borscht Belt ham and a tap dancer, they've got Sandra Bullock playing, yet again, a neurotic tight-ass and Melissa McCarty playing, yet again, a foul-mouthed slob. These two completely unlikable, and unbelievable, characters, one an FBI agent who somehow manages to confound detection dogs with her ability to find hidden drugs and weapons despite a complete lack of detection skills, and the other a Boston cop who (somehow) manages to successfully work undercover, in her own neighborhood, despite being morbidly obese, obnoxiously loud, and wearing the same clothes for days at a time. Both are (deservedly) pariahs within their respective departments, who somehow succeed despite their own individual and collective incompetence, and grow to adopt each other's most annoying bad habits. This movie plays to an audience's lowest, dumbest instincts- sadly, it will probably be a hit. Avoid at all costs.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Greatest villain- the script

[5/10 · 8 February 2013]

Geez, Nolan, get an editor!! Overlong, preposterous- throw in some Ewoks, and you hit the Star Wars trifecta of suck. Bizarro Batman (aka Bane) was an utter disaster as a villain, but fortunately for Tom Hardy he was in such a ridiculous costume, he'll probably be able to convince people that he wasn't even in this piece of crap. Nice touch bringing Liam Neeson back as the ghost of psychotic Obi-wan; he played a delusion, but was still the most believable character in the movie. Marion Cotillard (or whatever her name is) remains Nolan's muse of special effects laden crapfests, and Anne Hathaway- well, she wasn't terrible, but God, she wasn't very good. Almost makes you miss Joel Shumacher and dumb gay Batman.

Cop Out (2010)

Simply . . . vile

[3/10 · 28 February 2010]

Look, guys, it's not a "hom-ij" (yeah, I know you know how to pronounce it correctly) if you steal the lines, but not the emotional content, of the "buddy cop" movies you rip off. This is an extremely offensive, unfunny (in fact, anti-funny), unnecessarily violent lift from a breed of 80's movies that are better left to cable reruns. Bruce Willis is clearly going through the motions, and Tracy Morgan is totally out of his element (whatever that is) playing someone with a responsible job and a stable relationship, since he's a cartoon character. And just when I thought that Seann William Scott couldn't expand his annoying jerk persona, he does. Truly terrible, derivative, lacking in any redeeming value, utter dreck- and yet, it'll likely be a hit, and spawn even more awful sequels.

2012 (I) (2009)

I liked the movie a lot more the first time I saw it

[4/10 · 14 November 2009]

You know, when it was called The Poseidon Adventure, or Independence Day, or Earthquake, or Titanic, or any of the couple dozen other, much better disaster flicks that 2012 so gratuitously ripped off. The only thing that sustained me through 2 1/2 craptastic hours of bad acting, sadistic and preposterously clichéd writing, and overblown CGI effects was the knowledge that, now that Emmerich has destroyed the planet, he's done in the disaster-movie business. I mean, where do you go from there- Viggo Mortensen blowing up space Maybe now he'll be forced to make movies about real human beings in everyday, real-life situations, with honest dialogue and credible acting...nah, bring on the exploding Martians!!

Crossing Over (2009)

It's like "Crash" for stupid people!

[3/10 · 24 June 2009]

"Crossing Over" is an exploitative, cliché-filled, wannabe "topical" movie that's basically lifted from "Crash" (with elements of "Babel" and "Grand Canyon", two MUCH better movies, thrown in.) It manages to combine the horribly aged faces of Harrison Ford, Ray Liotta, and Ashley Judd (all of whom clearly had boat payments to make) with the usually fine Cliff Curtis and a supporting cast of "who-dats". Extremely clumsily written and directed with a heavy hand by a hack named Kramer, it throws in enough cheap sex and violence to supposedly appease it's intended audience, without offering anything original to say about America's screwed up immigration system. This movie is actually worse than a four-hour wait at the DMV- and has less to say. Hurry out to Schlockbuster and rent it now!!!

No Country for Old Men (2007)

Fascinating, controversial, the anti-Western

[9/10 · 28 December 2007]

Watching this film at a multiplex was an absolutely fascinating experience. After wading through the crowd of mouth-breathers knocking down the doors for Nicolas Cage's latest "epic", I was transported (with very few other audience members) to the rapidly eroding Southwest of the early '80s. Much more than simply a chase movie, the Coens (with brilliant source material by Cormac McCarthy) have made a wistful homage to the Texas of an earlier time, when people respected the law, their elders, and each other, even as greed, drugs, and mindless violence begin to overtake the culture. Powerfully acted, particularly by Tommie Lee Jones (in probably the sparest performance by a lead actor in, well, forever) and Javier Bardem as the monstrous Anton Chiguhr, a man who simply embodies menace. A lot of folks, looking for the standard good-guy-wins-bad-guy-loses Hollywood malarkey, will hate this film, particularly the ending. That's OK, though- there are plenty of choices for them. This was a movie for the rest of us; it's a miracle it got made.

Borat (2006)

Hilarious, obscene, groundbreaking

[9/10 · 24 November 2006]

There needs to be a new word invented for the act of laughing and cringing simultaneously; I propose that we call it Borating. This is easily the funniest movie of the year, probably the funniest of the past several years. It's a cross between the best of the Inspector Clousseau movies and Mississippi Burning, played for laughs in front of a group of completely clueless yokels who never quite get that they're the joke. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, since they're always a letdown) there won't be a sequel; Borat's been doomed by his own success, and will probably never again be able to get away with the stuff he does in this movie. Favorite bits include turning a hyperpatriotic rodeo crowd against him with his own version of the national anthem, presenting the hostess of a ridiculously formal Southern dinner party with a fresh bag of his own feces, and chasing his obese producer through a hotel lobby and into a crowded elevator, both of them stark naked and hairy, after catching the man masturbating to a photo of Borat's beloved Pamela Anderson.

The Departed (2006)

Powerful, violent, profane

[8/10 · 10 October 2006]

Great character study of two young state cops, each leading a double life and trying so hard to keep their deceptions undetected. Leinardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon are probably going to be competitors for the best actor Oscar; both gave great performances, DiCaprio in a flashier role, but Damon's controlled intensity was amazing, too. Strong supporting roles, especially by Martin Sheen and, of course, Jack Nicholson, as the most evil guy in the world. I usually find Nicholson to be a distraction, since he's usually called upon to play basically a slightly different version of his crazy-guy role; this time he really submerges into an anything-but-crazy role as mob boss Frank Costello. Savagely bloody, sustained tension; vintage Scorsese, easily his best movie since Goodfellas, and the best American movie of the year.

Walk the Line (2005)

Another powerful Oscar contender in the "year of the biopic"

[9/10 · 23 November 2005]

Fascinating, music-filled biography of Johnny Cash, this movie really doesn't pull any punches in graphically showing the troubled celebrity's many flaws. From Cash's rural Arkansas childhood with an abusive, alcoholic father, through his meteoric rise to fame as one of the leading lights of country music, to his hard fall due to drugs and alcohol and eventual redemption through the love of a strong-willed, grounded woman.

River Phoenix gives a great performance, channeling Cash's powerful bass voice and awkward guitar style- despite his lack of any resemblance to the real Johnny Cash. But the real star of this movie is the amazing Reese Witherspoon, who perfectly captures the on-stage charm and wit of June Carter, while showing the courage and determination of a show-biz veteran. Both stars show their incredible range of talents by doing their own singing and playing, too. Great script, rising well above what lesser talents would've turned into an overly long "True Hollywood Story", and showing the real heartaches and strength of two great American talents,

Capote (2005)

The real mystery is the man himself

[8/10 · 6 November 2005]

Fascinating portrait of an incredibly complex and gifted writer. Philip Seymour Hoffman's performance is amazing; despite his lack of resemblance to Capote, he so inhabits the character that it's easily overlooked.

What's always mystified me is how such an odd-sounding, fey little man could've infiltrated the homes, and souls, of people so unlike him, especially in the uptight 1950s. The movie deftly answers, by showing how Capote combined wit, the attraction of celebrity, and simple courtesy and kindness to overcome the resistance of clannish Midwesterners and sociopathic criminals. Even as his subject, Perry Smith, learns that he's being played by Capote, and learns the depths of Capote's betrayal of his appeals of his murder case, he still can't help reaching out, even as his time runs out.

Powerful supporting cast, especially Catherine Keener as Harper Lee, Capote's childhood friend, research assistant, and literary rival (his petty jealousy over her success with To Kill a Mockingbird is especially telling). She's the only one capable of calling him on his manipulative ways, and the only one capable of seeing past his egocentricity to see the insecure, small man beneath. Bruce Greenwood and Chris Cooper are fine in underwritten roles. But the real revelation here is Clifton Collins Jr., as the doomed murderer, Perry Smith. Collins' portrayal, both sympathetic and vaguely menacing, should certainly earn him an Oscar nomination for supporting actor.

The Notorious Bettie Page (2005)

Fairly shallow biopic

[5/10 · 16 September 2005]

Saw this at the Toronto film festival (popular movie, as it was directed by a Canadian). I was disappointed at how it chose to skim over it's main character's motivation in making the controversial fetish and bondage photos and movies that led to her notoriety. It simply wasn't believable that Bettie Page was so galactically stupid that she wasn't aware that her work was targeted toward sexual gratification of fetishists, but was simply "dressing up in costumes and having fun". Her constant surprise at being objectified by weirdos really struck a false note with me; also, her intense religious upbringing and mental instability were glossed over or ignored. Gretchen Mol certainly looked the part; however, it doesn't really take a good actress to portray a bad actress.

Broken Flowers (2005)

What the.....??

[3/10 · 16 September 2005]

I continue to be mystified by the popularity of Jim Jarmusch's movies among a particular subset of the (mostly American film student) viewing audience. Broken Flowers will fit in just fine with that group; however, I continue to not grasp the hype. Bill Murray plays a near-comatose former Lothario, who's chosen early retirement from an apparently lucrative career doing something with computers. However, his complete lack of any emotional center belies his supposed earlier exploits with women, and his complete lack of charm, wit, or (apparently) consciousness makes his most recent affair with the beautiful Julie Delpy that much more unlikely. All of the women he bedded down 20 years previously have moved on from him in various ways, and his dopey attempts to reconnect with them to try to track down his (possibly fictitious) son only serve to show how pathetic his character truly is. A complete lack of any resolution at the end fits this movie perfectly; those are two hours of my life that I'll never see again. At least I can say the same for any of Jarmusch's films.

Batman Begins (2005)

Missed opportunity

[7/10 · 19 June 2005]

A movie of grand proportions but few recognizable human characters, Batman Begins is yet another example of modern Hollywood: make it bigger, louder, faster, pricier- and worse. Christian Bale makes an interesting Bruce Wayne, although he becomes a husky-voiced cypher with the batsuit on (but let's face it, anybody's going to look ridiculous wearing a suit of armor, cape and pointy ears). Michael Caine brings an understated passion to his portrayal of Alfred, the ultimate sidekick- although a proper English butler with a Cockney accent is a bit distracting. Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman are fine as always; hopefully, though, their much better work in much better movies isn't overshadowed by this newfound success with the popcorn crowd. On the other hand, the movie is burdened with lots of "what-the-heck-is-this" performances- most notably, Tom Wilkinson as an Italian crime boss portrayed badly by a British stage actor, and Katie Holmes as a grownup (stick with Dawson's Creek, honey). And finally, Cillian Murphy (the Scarecrow, a guy with a bag on his head)and Liam Neeson (a guy with a phony goatee nearly on his head), as two of the least threatening movie villains ever. Hey Cillian, nice costume- what's the matter, was your "scary ghost" outfit at the cleaners?

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

I'll wait for the book

[7/10 · 30 April 2005]

Interesting effort to film the unfilmable, a book which provides its greatest enjoyment in its use of language. Still, a very watchable movie. Some amazing CGI scenes, especially involving the Magrathean planetary construction firm. Enjoyable performances by Sam Rockwell as Zaphod Beeblebrox, the galactic president as played by George-W.-on-acid, and Alan Rickman as the voice of Marvin, the extremely depressed robot. Martin Freeman is basically a cypher as Arthur Dent, and Mos Def and Zooey Duchamel don't do much with their roles, either. However, this is a movie where the stars are the various animals and machines are both smarter, and more screwed up, than the humans, anyway.

Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Small, beautifully-told, ultimately tragic

[9/10 · 2 March 2005]

Easily the (latest) masterpiece of Clint Eastwood's directorial career, although, on the heels of Unforgiven and Mystic River, perhaps his best is still ahead. Powerful story of a determined young woman and her over-protective trainer/manager. Eastwood is amazing as the tough but fatherly Frankie Dunn, seeking redemption for some great, but untold, sin against his own daughter. Hilary Swank shines in yet another "role of a lifetime" as the doomed Fightin' Maggie Fitzgerald, who rises from an awful family life in the Ozarks to become the No. 1 title contender. Morgan Freeman turns in yet another wise sidekick/narrator performance; his role as "Scrap Iron" Dupri is strong, although not as memorable as "Red" Reddick in The Shawshank Redemption (of course, any time he's not stuck in another Ashley Judd movie is a good thing). SPOILER ALERT!! A lot has been made of the film's treatment of Maggie's paralysis after being injured in the ring, and her decision to enlist devout Catholic Frankie's help in ending her life. Politics aside, however, her choice was completely in keeping with her character, and shouldn't be taken by advocates for the disabled as some sort of approval of assisted suicide. In fact, Frankie's initial refusal, and agonizing decision to help, emphasized the difficult moral choices involved.

The Aviator (2004)

Shockingly poor biopic

[3/10 · 1 January 2005]

Overly long, boring, badly acted and directed. Shocking how badly Martin Scorcese has fallen off, after triumphs such as Goodfellas not that many years ago. Leonardo DiCaprio is incapable of playing grown-up roles, as he continues to look like an overgrown infant even as he pushes thirty-something. I'm amazed at the gushing over Cate Blanchett's grotesque imitation of Katharine Hepburn- Frank Gorshin does a better one. And don't even get me started on Kate Beckinsale as Ava Gardner, who was apparently a sexless, anorexic coat-hanger instead of a bombshell (much to my surprise). However, the greatest disappointment by far was Scorcese, who completely lost any semblance of a storyteller in favor of cheesy CGI effects and bogus dialog. Too bad, because Howard Hughes was a truly fascinating subject- a deeply neurotic multimillionaire, plagued by obsessive-compulsive disorder, but also a true visionary and aviation pioneer. This movie doesn't do him justice.

Ray (I) (2004)

Honest, exhilarating biopic

[9/10 · 24 December 2004]

This movie does justice to one of the most spectacular American lives of all time. It covers Ray Charles' life from his destitute Florida childhood to his spectacular musical success, without sugar-coating his infidelity, drug use, and sometimes manipulative and tyrannical nature. Jamie Foxx's performance is simply amazing; not merely mimicry of such a well-known personality, but a truly brilliant job of acting. While Foxx is certainly a talented pianist, he and director Taylor Hackford were smart enough not to try to duplicate Charles' unique vocal stylings, and used Ray Charles' actual voice for some of his most famous performances. While the movie of course takes dramatic license with some of the events in Charles' life, it's overall honesty breathes life into its subject, instead of placing him on a pedestal. It's a credit to Ray Charles that he approved of, and assisted with, the screenplay, warts and all.

Sideways (2004)

Robust, great nose, wonderful finish!

[9/10 · 4 December 2004]

I loved this movie! Bittersweet, very intelligent, funny yet poignant, and always challenging to the viewer. Extremely well-acted, particularly by Paul Giamatti (who seems to have patented the lovable schmuck role) and the radiant Virginia Madsen (who hasn't been lucky enough to have such a good role in years).

Like Miles Raymond's novel, the movie's ending isn't totally clear. Here's hoping that Miles and Maya work it out and find happiness together, a nd that Jack grows up- or, better yet, let's see a sequel. I'd be happy to spend another week with all of those wonderful characters. Bravo to director Alexander Payne, whose resume continues to grow with quirky, creative films.

The Incredibles (2004)

Absolutely incredible!!

[9/10 · 23 November 2004]

At last, a big-budget, Hollywood movie that's both technically proficient AND a great story! Spectacular animation, both on the main characters and the amazing backgrounds. And most importantly, the animators didn't leave the storytelling behind. Heartwarming plot, engaging characters, and great voice talent made this movie a wonder from start to finish. The audience, both adults and children, left the theater amazed and smiling- a rare feat these days, and truly something not to be missed. Looking forward to a sequel- hopefully not a quick knockoff or a weekly imported TV series, but something with the same degree of care and heart as this treasure. Don't miss this movie!

Hero (2002)

Visually stunning, but ultimately empty

[6/10 · 23 September 2004]

First, the good news: Ying xiong (Hero) should win all kinds of technical awards for costumes, cinematography, set design, and possibly music (beautiful score, wonderfully performed by Itzhak Perlman). It's simply a beautiful-looking movie, and plenty entertaining if all you're interested in is a series of attractive, unrelated frames of celluloid.

Unfortunately, that leads to the bad news: there's no story here!! Or rather, in an aborted attempt to rip off Kirosawa's technique in Roshoman, there are three different versions of the same story, basically hung together as an excuse to have each of the leads fight each other at various times. The dialogue was laughable, the wire work was directly lifted from a lot of other (and better made) martial-arts movies, and the "gifted" Jet Li manages to run through the entire gamut of emotions, from A to a slightly different A.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!

And finally, my primary complaint is with the motivations of the characters here. Despite being highly-trained assassins, and very motivated to kill a megalomaniacal King bent on conquering their homeland and/or killing their families, at least two of the characters pass up an opportunity to kill him? WHY??!! Because he's changed? No- as it turns out, he conquers all of their lands, and sets himself up as the first Emperor of China (as revealed in the postscript). This film glorifies militarism and totalitarianism; as a propaganda tool for the current Communist Chinese government, it must be very popular.

Garden State (2004)

Stunning debut, great movie!

[9/10 · 13 September 2004]

It's nice to know that honest, heartfelt movies like this one can survive the Hollywood least common denominator system. It'll survive the inevitable comparisons with "The Graduate", and stand on its own as a story about a young man and his battle with alienation and old memories. Beautifully acted, especially by Natalie Portman (who knew she could act, after all those crummy Star Wars movies?)Zack Braff isn't going to be in sitcoms very long, with a writing and directing talent like his. I especially enjoyed the way his characters had their stories dragged out of them slowly, engaging the viewer instead of just throwing everything in your face. Definitely not for the "car chase, explosion, fart joke" viewer- but those over age 15 certainly appreciate the opportunity to enjoy a movie now and then, too.

Collateral (2004)

Wasted effort

[6/10 · 21 August 2004]

OK, so I'm buying Jamie Foxx as a repressed, compulsive cabbie. I can even sorta buy Jada Pinckett-Smith as a federal prosecutor with a thing for repressed, compulsive cabbies. But then you throw in Tom Cruise as Vincent, the World's Shortest Contract Killer, and it's just way too much to believe. Director Michael Mann gives Cruise some leftover Don Johnson stubble from his Miami Vice days, and Bill Clinton's hair, but beyond that it's still just "Risky Top Days of the Last Cocktail" with a gun. Besides choosing Mini-Me as the villain, this movie also has some problems with believability- after all, what kind of hitman is so concerned about leaving witnesses, yet kills just about everybody around in as public a place as possible? What kind of crime boss would bother killing the prosecuting attorney, when there are dozens more in the same office ready to take over? And what kind of cabbie drives a fare all over town, but never turns on the meter? On the plus side, Jamie Foxx simutaneously conveys both abject fear and annoyance with the miniature sociopath who threatens his life while nagging him about his professional and romantic failures. The cinematography is wonderful, showing nighttime L.A. to its best advantage. Unfortunately, Tom Cruise is simply too short to be scary, and his Tony Robbins-meets-Sammy the Bull routine wears thin too fast.

Troy (2004)

Spectacular old-time Hollywood entertainment

[8/10 · 3 June 2004]

Surprisingly good adaptation of Homer's classic poem, with

spectacular sets and great battle scenes. Well-acted by Brad Pitt,

Eric Bana, and Brian Cox, although a few too many close-ups of a

cadaverous Peter O'Toole for my taste. Director Wolfgang Peterson was able to sneak in a few timely

anti-war messages and refuses to glorify or exploit the extreme

violence of hand-to-hand combat. Despite the large cast, multiple

storylines, and long running time, the movie kept up the pace and

engaged this viewer throughout. Great old-time, "cast of

thousands" style entertainment.

The Station Agent (2003)

Odd,sad movie

[8/10 · 3 April 2004]

Saw this on holiday in England, thinking it was a British movie

since it had never made it to the hinterlands of Florida. However, it

turned out to be a very small, sad film about a very small, sad man

and the lonely people who somehow gravitate to him, despite his

best efforts to be left alone. Nothing much happens, but the

characters seem to help each other, and nothing blows up- in

other words, the exact anti-Hollywood movie. Patricia Clarkson is

fine as always, and Bobby Cannavale is very funny, but this show

was stolen by Peter Dinklage, who brings a sense of wounded

dignity to a very difficult role.