gryffindor249 Reviews

Eight Is Enough: The Maltese Airline Bag (1980) Season 5, Episode 7

The Low Point of the Series

[1/10 · 19 March 2024]

Modern viewers might be surprised at how well this easygoing comedy-drama series still holds up today, a former Top Ten show that is all-but forgotten. But, every show has a worst episode, and this is definitely it!

Still reeling from the "Jump the Shark" moment of pulling a "Cousin Oliver" and adding the completely superfluous character of Jeremy a few episodes prior--a really terrible idea when a show is centered on a family with eight kids who all are fighting for story time--the show does an episode that is a complete and silly departure from its usual tone and structure. I cannot believe this script was accepted and I cannot believe ABC even aired it.

I kept telling myself, "This has to be a dream that Nicolas is having...only the mind of a 10 year-old could come up with this" but, no. This bizarre and illogical homage to "The Maltese Falcon" is a major misstep and if one is binging the series it can and should be skipped.

Will someone please send that kid playing Jeremy to Karate class and get him the hell out of here?

Law & Order: Organized Crime (2021– )

Law and Order: The Stabler Family

[5/10 · 9 February 2024]

NOTE TO PRODUCERS: People tune into a Law and Order franchise show because they want a fast-paced adventure into the world of NYC crime. Your show is spending WAAAAAAY too much time on Elliot's personal life. What is the matter? Are you three seasons in and already you have run out of any other potential stories regarding organized crime? Meloni is the #1 draw for this show but, I would be more interested in watching Stabler work in the Manhattan Shoplifting Unit than watching him deal with his family drama. PLEASE get us back into serious cases and epic storytelling. The arc with the Albanian Mafia was the apex of this show so far, please get back to the business of Law and Order. If I want to be bored watching a procedural, I will tune to CBS.

EDITED TO ADD, ONE MONTH LATER: OK, I have finally had it. I took this show off of my DVR. This is the first Law and Order series I ever stopped watching. I even stuck with CONVICTION and TRIAL BY JURY to the end. As much as I love Meloni, this has just strained all possible credibility at this point and I find myself literally and figuratively tuning out.

A Biltmore Christmas (2023 TV Movie)

When Hallmark is Not Hallmark!

[10/10 · 28 November 2023]

Call me crazy, call this hyperbole, but, this is one of the finest if not THE finest Hallmark Christmas Movies I have ever seen. Clever and creative and oozing with charm and real romance and Christmas joy that does not feel forced or a pale carbon copy of a movie they have already made six dozen times. The two leads give outstanding performances and have sensational chemistry and all of the supporting players have a great time playing with the 1940s parlance and style. In an abstract way, one could almost think of this as a riff of the weepy romantic classic Somewhere in Time, but, with the genders reversed. This is the third movie Hallmark has put out in 2023 that has surpassed my expectations. This is really interfering with my annual holiday tradition of Hate Watching the mediocre ones! Highly recommended, even if you think you don't like Hallmark Christmas Movies!

The Holiday Sitter (2022 TV Movie)

Surprisingly Charming!

[9/10 · 13 December 2022]

This movie had such wit and a minimal amount of the usual "Hallmarky" tropes, I almost had to check and see if I fell by accident into Netflix!

Jonathan Bennett is charming as all-get-out. As Executive Producer, I am assuming he got the script he wanted, which is well above the average for the Hallmark Machine. And he is clearly very invested in what he is doing. Of course, the usual things happen--a near-kiss at the one-hour mark and a misunderstanding at the one hour forty-five minutes mark, etc. But, this one has a distinct lack of cheese and the usual overstuffed silliness.

The Gay angle really works here, as opposed to some other films they make when they try to shoehorn Gay characters into one of their usual plots (listen to a podcast by the brilliant Bobby Leiber for more on this topic) and expect it to work. But, as this film is set in the NYC Metro it is very plausible that their romance could bloom in a friendly, accepting environment. Honestly, I was watching this with the intention of having an amusing "Hate Watch," but was pleasantly surprised. HALLMARK: Keep on breaking that cookie cutter with which you make WAY too many movies. Doing something different might engage more viewers!

Jolly Good Christmas (2022 TV Movie)

Once in a while the Hallmark Machine makes something special.

[8/10 · 30 October 2022]

So, they churn out forty movies a season. There will be a handful that are surprisingly good, a few that are god-awful bad and a bunch in the middle that one will forget an hour later.

This one is, I am pleased to say, not only one of the best ones of the season but one of the best ones I have seen. Yes, if you have seen at least three Hallmark movies previously, you will know how certain plot points will play out. But, this one has very clever dialogue throughout and its British setting cannot help but to give it a touch of class. The two leads are, simply, excellent, doing feature-quality work on a tight, TV movie timeline. They both look beautiful, separately and together and have wonderful chemistry. They really seem to be having a great time with the playful, sometimes even farcical plot as the audience gets to go along on their madcap adventure.

This is a pattern proven by two previous movies I can think of set in a foreign locales, "Christmas in Rome" and "Christmas in Vienna" where footage of the European city's actual Christmas decor makes the movie part travelogue. This is certainly refreshing after seeing two dozen or so "Christmas in My Hometown" movies where, let us face it, the "tinsel in every shot, DAMMIT" policy can get a bit tiring.

Again, it is not as if the Ten Hallmark Movie Tropes are not present. However, they are camouflaged by a superior production with a very talented cast and the effect is far more "rom-com" than sentimental and gooey.

Bros (I) (2022)

Boy Meets Boy

[10/10 · 6 October 2022]

Boy meets boy. Boy loses boy. Boy gets boy. Well, it's about time! It is not as if there have not been other and quite wonderful Gay romantic comedies in the past. But, this one has a gloss and sheen that really does scream "Hollywood." The Gay-friendly Wonderlands of NYC and P-town look great and so do the boys; but, this movie definitely has a heart and soul beneath the pecs of the wall-to-wall Chelsea gym bods. This is not a Hallmark (sorry Luke) Christmas movie where all is sugar and spice. This is a pretty true Gay world, with infighting and snark, frustration and sleaze. But, where there is Gay, there is also wit, wonder and beauty.

We might wonder if Billy Eichner's acerbic, ornery, VERY Jewish Bobby would be a first guess for the perfect match for a gloriously gorgeous, somewhat uptight WASP. Oh, really? What is the ultimate rom-com match-up? HARRY AND SALLY! Yes, this "opposites attract" is a tried and tested formula. And this formula involves some serious chemistry one can feel between the two leading men. It's not just in a cute "Sam and Diane" repartee kind of way. One can really feel the love and pain, the passion that fuels their sexual desire as much as it does their frustrations. Eichner doing double duty as screenwriter and star allows for some rather Shavian monologues which contextualize current Gay male culture while cleverly discussing the conventions of a classic rom-com in a meta manner. Just as more people can identify with Rhoda than Mary, Bobby demonstrates that difficult people with rough edges-which represents the majority of the audience-deserve love too.

However, in the real world, one is not likely to get someone quite as dashing and handsome as Luke MacFarlane's Aaron. Or even one-tenth as dashing and handsome, but that would still be acceptable! The matinee idol looks and air of genuine earnestness that has made him the ideal hero of several hundred Hallmark Christmas movies certainly serves him well here. However, he gets to play with some real odds, like the trials of a love affair on the skids because of seemingly irreconcilable differences as opposed to being a businessman shutting down the orphanage run by the leading lady on Christmas Eve. Or contemplating the emptiness of his seemingly-perfect life at the top of the NYC Gay Male Food Chain as opposed to worrying that the new girl in town does not have the Christmas spirit. (OK, last Hallmark joke...I promise!) Getting to play with some real depth allows MacFarlane to make Aaron quite complex and sympathetic, almost to the point you can forget how great looking he is as the camera makes mad, passionate love to him as the 1.5% of the audience that is heterosexual males wonder if they might be missing something...and the soccer moms that wandered in wonder why their husbands can't look like that..

Yes, this movie is a huge step forward. Yes, it is "important." But, see it because it is just damn entertaining. I literally "laughed and cried." You may be a person in Middle America who would never step into a Gay nightclub or take a trip to Provincetown. But, movies allow us a peek at another world. Between laughs and gasps (yes, there may be a foursome...or two...) you might just pick up a bit of understanding about people you think are different than you. And that is a great thing to get for the price of a movie ticket.

Flowers in the Attic: The Origin (2022)

Far Better Than What One Might Expect...

[9/10 · 31 July 2022]

It is a shame to think that many people might skip this ambitious effort by Lifetime, thinking it will be one of their run-of-the-mill efforts, particularly their uneven adaptations of other books in the series. I first sampled it out of curiosity, thinking it could be some goofy, light summer fare. However, I was pleasantly surprised that this miniseries was shockingly good. I am as shocked as I would be had the Hallmark Channel has suddenly put something out that was of the same quality as THE THORN BIRDS. The acting, script, direction and design is excellent, and I believe this is worthy of Emmy nominations--this must have four times the budget of the typical Lifetime effort. This was a delicious, epic, fun ride through some gothic territory and well worth your time, particularly if you were a fan of the book series. If only they could give FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC and PETALS ON THE WIND (the two best books in the series) this much time and budget to tell their spellbinding stories.

One December Night (2021 TV Movie)

Not the usual Hallmarl Schlock!

[8/10 · 15 November 2021]

Wow! This movie breaks the mold of what one finds on Hallmark this time of the year. I almost believe that it was made my an independent production company and Hallmark just bought it--it really does not have any of the usual tropes. Ladies, if you have a husband/ boyfriend around and you want to force them to watch a Hallmark movie this Christmas, I guarantee that this one will make them the least ill!

Cobra Kai (2018–2025)

Johnny Triumphant!

[9/10 · 8 May 2018]

This show is far, far better than it has a right to be. Nostalgia, pathos and Shakespearean nuance all play out with touches of action and humor.

While Mr. Macchio is clearly enjoying himself and is a welcome presence, the show truly belongs to William Zabka. Hollywood is fickle, and maybe this guy payed the bully in one 80s flick too many and got pigeonholed into a quiet career onscreen, but DAMN is this man one fine actor; balancing the elements of comedy and tragedy in every shot (maybe the fact that he has branched out creatively as an writer and director has helped him learn to flex more than his muscles too?). His Johnny is like an injured lion....glorious, yet downtrodden...confident, yet tentative. And a complete jerk, yet a total charmer. And he is even more magnetic as a fifty-something than he was as a twenty-something 80s pin-up boy. I hope his agent's phone starts to ring...when I think of all the things Charlie Sheen and Tom Cruise have done over the decades when it could have been HIM all along...

How long until Season 2?

F(l)ag Football (2014)

Not something you see every day...

[10/10 · 14 April 2018]

This movie is an example of why documentaries are so important. A peek into a world that shatters stereotypes and can make us re-think our own perceptions. The director does a great job of letting the camera do the storytelling without forcing us to see a certain point of view, we can just assess what is presented and come to our own conclusions. Well done!

Condorman (1981)

Nostalgia versus Intelligence

[4/10 · 19 July 2010]

Let me preface by stating I was one of the 12 people who actually saw this in theatre in its original run. I was about ten years old and thought it was the best movie EVER. If you have a ten year old, please get this movie and let them enjoy it. Don't let the following carping get in the way.

THAT said: My god, whose brain was out to lunch on this one? I am really trying to figure out what Disney was trying to do (this was in the desperate last years of the Ron Miller era) in producing this film. They go all over Europe for real location shots (as opposed to re-dressing the "Medfield" set once again), and yet still resort to cheap optical shots (they must have been the last studio to use them at this point). Then they go and get real actors; like Oliver Reed as the villain (instead of Keenan Wynn) and don't bother giving them a decent script. Now, I am all about suspending disbelief, especially in a family comedy, but...

1) Are we supposed to believe that Woody jumps off of the Eiffel Tower in a birdsuit and no one notices? 2) Are we supposed to believe that Woody is a competent artist, yet still chooses to wear The Ugliest Sweaters Ever Seen in a Film? 3) Why is it that Natalia is a trained KGB agent yet is completely helpless in a fight and never has an idea? 4) How is it possible that the CIA is able to create the following things overnight with one line "Get these to Fabrication.": A gypsy truck that turns into a car that has multiple guns and shoots fire, and converts into a ramp and then a hovercraft. A speedboat that shoots blue lasers. A pair of wings light enough to carry as a secret backpack but sturdy enough to carry two people aloft.

5) Why are all the children in Switzerland non-accented English speakers and as multi-ethnic as a Pepsi ad? And oh my...the first scene with Woody and his friend...probably the clumsiest exposition ever put on film.

If you are over the age of 12, worth a view if you want to MST3K it.

Cop Out (2010)

Who Needs Jay and Silent Bob?

[8/10 · 4 March 2010]

I have to echo another reviewer who stated, "I have rarely seen such a stark disconnect between some scathing reviews and actual audience reaction." I just saw this film because I really like Tracey Morgan, Bruce Willis and SWS and figured that for a $5 matinée it would be diverting. It was far, far more-easily one of the most entertaining movies I have seen this year. A great throwback to the 80's cop buddy comedies with great characters, humor and action. I wish Kevin Smith would do more projects like this...he really proved here that he is as gifted as a director as he is as a writer/ director (Mallrats excepted of course...) and it was really cool to see his style and flourishes on a project that did not take place in his Jersey Universe.

If ever there was a flick that made me want to say, "screw the critics" this is it. Go see it and have a great time. I hope word-of-mouth builds this into a box office hit, because they left things open for a sequel and I would love to see these characters again

The Wolfman (2010)

A sheep in wolf's clothing...

[3/10 · 18 February 2010]

What a waste of talent...and in that I include the incredibly talented director who manages to make both Emily Blunt and Sir Anthony Hopkins look bad in a period film-now THAT'S a talent!!! Nothing works except for Rick Baker's makeup, but even that falls flat due to the fact that the film has little dramatic tension. Only an action scene in a Gypsy camp along with Geraldine Page's amazing turn as the spiritual leader of the Gypsies rise above mediocre-and most of the film falls WELL below mediocrity. The dialogue was so hackneyed and predictable I frequently was able to finish the character's sentences. I swear, Teen Wolf has a better script and makes more sense. Serves me right for seeing a movie that got dumped into theatres in February.

Australia (2008)

Down Under With the Wind

[9/10 · 26 November 2008]

I have always been a sucker for dramas set against Australia (I am a Yank), and this one does not disappoint. Led by top-shelf work by Kidman and Jackman, the movie has sweep, romance, excitement and a bit of mysticism. World War 2 has inspired some of the great films of the last half-century and this can emphatically be added to the list. Can it veer a bit towards melodrama, schmaltz and corn? Yes-but what great romantic epic does not? It pays homage to the great romantic war films while adding a dose of Baz's own quirkiness that keeps one from feeling they are seeing merely a facsimile. This kind of film is why they build movie theatres.

My Best Friend's Girl (2008)

Better Luck for Dane

[7/10 · 19 September 2008]

Compared to Good Luck Chuck this is a masterpiece. As far as what one will find at the multiplex when looking for a (albiet raunchy) romantic comedy, this is a solid choice, particularly if you like Dane Cook (which I do...go ahead...shoot me). And there are a few lines in the movie that are brilliantly quotable, along with some very nicely shot views of Boston and two countdown montages of Dane destroying dates that are quite funny. Maybe a bit overlong and it probably would have benefited by trimming the inclusion of Alec Baldwin as Dane's dad. But this is the common ground Date Movie for the guy who doesn't want schmaltzy romantic crap and the chick who doesn't mind a few dirty jokes.

The Rocker (2008)

A Nice Sleeper

[7/10 · 27 August 2008]

I have a funny feeling this flick will get wider exposure on DVD and become a cult hit, though it deserved much more than being dumped into theatres in late August with little fanfare and minimal box office. It's one of those movies that make you go, "Why didn't this do well when it was in the theatre?" A collection of Hollywood's finest B-List But Much More Talented Than The A-List Actors pull off a funny yet sad portrait of the Rock 'n Roll life and dashed dreams. So many have commented that this seemed like a rejected Jack Black vehicle; but thank god for Rainn Wilson, who manages to create so many distinct characters in various projects from one quirky personality-whereas Jack Black is always Jack Black.

The Comebacks (2007)

Not bad at all

[6/10 · 23 October 2007]

This is not a movie for critics, and definitely not as good as "Airplane" but hey-what is? It certainly is a hell of a lot better than "Date Movie" and can easily hold its own against "Scary Movie" or "Hot Shots." Not every joke lands, but there are enough of them to make it worth a look-particularly if you appreciate the idea of satirizing modern sports movies (the spoofs of "Rudy" and "Radio" are especially winning). As a friend of mine said as we were in a movie theatre that showed a preview for "Coach Carter" a few years back, "Wasn't this movie bad enough the last ten times they made it?" I suspect a cult future on DVD.

Monkeys, Go Home! (1967)

Bottom of the Barrel of Monkeys

[2/10 · 23 July 2007]

Speaking as someone who has made an extensive study of the live-action Disney films of the 1960s-1970s I can say with some authority that this is truly one of the worst films ever released by Disney; almost unwatchable. With the charming Dean Jones and Yvette Mimieux at the center of a romantic plot this film has its moments (along with a delightful Maurice Chevalier, in what is a small role though curiously first-billed), but it is constantly derailed by the need to add monkey antics to the mix. Bringing in trained animals is a constant source of mirth in Disney live action gimmick comedies; it works in a Bubblegum Pop/ College Comedy setting (see the Disney film "The Monkeys Uncle") but against the backdrop of an American desperately trying to save an olive farm in Provence the entire film just fights against itself for a hundred minutes. Supporting characters rage about for no apparent reason, constantly entering and exiting the plot with no apparent motivation; and we are supposed to believe (and the plot hinges) on the concept that the entire village would be outraged that a man would use trained monkeys to pick olives for a harvest that last but three days a year instead of hiring locals is a stretch even by Disney standards (and this is the studio that convinced us a boy could turn into a dog and a car could have a mind of its own).

This was released in the year following Walt Disney's death. One might wonder if he would have chucked the entire thing rather than release this to theatres under the Disney name. It is truly shocking that this film made it to DVD before many other, better-remembered titles from the era.

The Year Without a Santa Claus (2006 TV Movie)

Year Without a Halfway-Decent New Xmas Special

[3/10 · 12 December 2006]

You really have to wonder what NBC and the creators of this film were thinking adapting the beloved animated special into this live-action film.

Were they hoping to expand the story (adapted from Phyllis McGinley's novel)? Then why is it that the original version accomplished more storytelling in a one-hour special than this movie does in two? This adaptation with a strange credit of teleplay and "television story" by Larry Wilson and Tom Martin goes off on so many tangents and in so many directions it only makes passing reference to the plot of the original novel and Rankin-Bass special it makes one wonder why they bothered to pay royalties to the original creators at all.

Perhaps it was so they could include the famous "I'm Mr. Heat/ Snow Miser" song, but this rare moment of energy in this movie is rather jarring considering that this is not otherwise a musical and the rest of the score is missing.

The cast is excellent across-the-board, though the lovely Delta Burke is way too young for the thankless role of Mrs. Claus, the prime mover of the plot in the original but reduced to looking concerned and expounding exposition here. You know you are in trouble when a film includes John Goodman, Eddie Griffin, Harvey Firestein and Michael McKean (and a scene-stealing Carol Kane) and is still dull.

An almost-complete waste of time and a scouring of a terrific story. Now go and watch the Rankin/ Bass original!

Fast Food Nation (2006)

The book was a smörgåsbord, the movie is a Happy Meal.

[3/10 · 20 November 2006]

First of all, let me say two things: 1) I am a vegetarian and committed animal right activist who loved the book "Fast Food Nation." 2) I am a professional chef who despises the dreck that comes out of chain restaurants.

That said, I hated, hated, HATED this movie. Instead of a broad spectrum of the fast-food industry it becomes a movie about a meat packing plant and the plight of illegal immigrant labor, which were only two aspects of the industry the book explored (and either of which could have made a film on their own). Early on, when I saw Greg Kinnear's car pull up by the van caring the illegal immigrants I figured they would show how all of these aspects of meat production were intertwined while adding some of the other issues raised in the book; i.e. the sugar sodas becoming larger and larger, the percentage of potatoes going into french fry production, the marketing to kids, the destruction of smaller, local businesses were either ignored or just touched on.

I wondered what the hell Ethan Hawke's character was doing in the movie at all, it seemed like a Shavian play where Shaw would just have the characters spout his own opinions disguised as dialogue; seems like Linklater just wanted to work with Hawke again. If this is supposed to be an "activist" film why did they ignore so many issues raised in the book and then take time to make the (admittingly misguided) activists look like buffoons? Such a missed opportunity to educate people about the industrialization of fast-food meat in this country. By the time they get to the graphic, yet realistically depicted slaughter scenes I fear most people who could have had their consciousness raised will have been bored into a stupor. The three-star rating is for the terrific performances by the Latino actors portraying the illegal immigrant workers.

READ THE BOOK!

John Tucker Must Die (2006)

Surprisingly good

[8/10 · 2 August 2006]

Today it was 100 degrees in New York City and frankly I went more for the air conditioning than the content, but this movie was much better than the trailer or the critics give it credit for. As solid as "Bring it On," it is definitely a notch above the average teen comedy; not quite "Mean Girls" but a good substitute. The girls are all terrific and Jesse Metcafe struts his acting and physique to an even higher standard than what he demonstrated on Desperate Housewives.

Filled with quite a few clever innuendos, it might make a few moms and dads cringe, but I guess kids today have heard worse. Also, it cleverly used remakes of classic songs for the bulk of its score.

Poseidon (2006)

Definitely Sink-y, Not Too Stink-y

[6/10 · 12 May 2006]

I definitely prefer the 70's version, which now seems surprisingly plausible and realistic. But this is definitely OK for a popcorn flick-and anything that has Josh Lucas either in a tux, sweaty or wet at all times can't be too bad. The FX were however top-notch, though perhaps a sorry substitute for the character development of the original.

But I do have to say THE KID WAS SO DAMN ANNOYING!!! I mean here we are, almost drowning or getting burned every other minute and scared out of our wits and the kid wanders away not once but TWICE?!?!? At the end I wanted to scream, "Save the gas tank, throw the kid into the propeller instead!!!!"

The Shaggy Dog (2006)

The Draggy Dog

[4/10 · 10 March 2006]

I was a fan of the good ol' Disney versions, and this turned into a real letdown. Tim Allen made so many public comments on how he thought the originals could be improved, forsaking the fantasy element for a Sci-Fi element, and THIS is what he came up with? There were so many writers attached to this project over the years and it shows-this is a case of too many cooks spoiling the dog food.

In the original movies where a magic ring caused him to turn into a dog, you could just sort of let logic go out the window and not question why he could still speak when he had a dog's vocal apparatus, hold a toothbrush without opposable thumbs, etc. But this movie takes a Sci-Fi approach where it happens because of genetic mutation-not to say it has to have the realism of a scientific documentary, we can still suspend disbelief in a family comedy...but can anyone answer these questions for me:

1) Why is it that all of the other animals in the lab only partially become dog-like...such as a snake having bushy dog fur at the end of its tail? And there are several other primates present that just take on dog behavior-why is it that Tim Allen's character takes on the dog behavior in his human form but then sporadically turns completely into a dog? MAJOR SPOILER HERE: And then why does Robert Downey Jr. only grow a tail when he gets infected? END MAJOR SPOILER

2)How it is that when he turns into the dog, his clothing just mysteriously slips off of him? I mean the guy is a hotshot attorney wearing buttoned-up business suits, are you telling me he goes from man-to-dog and there is not struggle? In the movie he doesn't even NOTICE it happens until after he has changed!!!

3) There is absolutely no resolution in the end...OK, perhaps they are waiting for a sequel,but what about his mutated dog genes? Does he have to go the rest of his life never knowing when he will turn into a dog?

Again, if this were just a fantasy I would be able to suspend a great deal more disbelief. But Mr. Allen was so gung-ho about modernizing it and making it scientific; I say, for what?

The Shaggy Dog and The Shaggy DA were both among the top-grossing movies for the years they were released and for good reason, they were just out to have fun. This movie focuses way to much on his relationship with his family and not enough on the easy sight-gags that made the first two so funny.

Do you know that we never even SEE him transform into the dog...it always happens off-camera. What could POSSIBLY be more interesting than seeing the leading man turn into a dog (did co-producer Tim Allen arrange this so he would not have to spend hours in make-up)? Maybe we could ask the little kids I saw in the theatre struggling with boredom.

The New World (2005)

Like Watching War Paint Dry

[1/10 · 26 January 2006]

Let me first say that I am a big fan of historical epics. As a matter of fact I joyfully sat through all 6+ hours of Bertolucci's "1900" in one sitting at a revival house; in short, I am not some dolt who wandered in because "Underworld 2" was sold out.

That said and trying to avoid hyperbole, this is among the most pretentious, self-flaggelating, ponderous pieces of bullshit ever forced upon an unsuspecting public. I was so bored I actually felt nauseated.

Mr. Malick does not know the first thing about dramatic writing-that is why 60% of the words heard in the film are voiceovers by John Smith, Pocohontas and The Tobacco Farmer That Looks Like a Movie Star-who even though they are respectively a military man, a Native American princess and a One Dimensional Plot Device all narrate with essentially the same voice. This gets old rather quickly. If all three of these characters have the ability to narrate, then from whose perspective is the story unfolding? The answer to that question is the obsessive camera that luxuriates on floral shots that look like they are outtakes from Walt Disney's True Life Adventure Series, while the real action is relegated offstage.

It is surely a case of The Emperor Has No Clothes here, people are afraid to call the movie painfully dull due to the pretensions of artsy-fartsy that are present; worried they will be accused of "not getting it." This is the reason that the reviews amongst professional critics are evenly split 50/50 between raves and pans, very few are middle ground. This alone should warn the moviegoer that one should tread forward with great caution if planning to see this snoozefest.

One last thought: He cut seventeen minutes from this? If it had gone on for seventeen minutes longer I would have woven Ju-Ju Bees into a rope and hung myself.

Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price (2005)

Don't Buy This DVD at Walmart

[9/10 · 8 November 2005]

I wonder how this will play in the Red States, when they see the heartland raped and pillaged by The Walton family. When they see God-fearing, flag-waving patriotic Americans whose lives have been decimated by this Evil Empire in a Big Box. People might think that a documentary like this is the territory of the "Liberal Elite," but the liberals can live in their sophisticated cities where Walmart's presence cannot make quite as big a gaping hole in the local economy...but it is the rural, Bush-voting Red Staters that should be leading the rallying cry against this company. It is especially effective to see ministers preaching about how Walmart's values are not in line with the Christian faith.

Obviously, the creators had an opinion before they started this documentary, but the findings and facts are consistent with what the mainstream media reports about the way this company is run. The long arm of Walmart is dramatic enough without necessitating the filmmakers occasional lapses into melodrama, but the points are well-made and ignoring the facts presented in this film and continuing to support this Goliath in a blue smock could be our undoing-I hope this gets passed around from person-to-person faster than the Paris Hilton sex video and also hope we soon see a documentary on how Walmart collapsed like the Roman Empire.