Crazyfarts Reviews

Candy Stripers (2006)

Sex appeal and gore helps it but the weak acting drags it.

[5/10 · 3 June 2006]

When the Candy Stripers in a small town Hospital are taken over by voracious aliens, they become killing machines hell bent on breeding... playboy playmates Deanna Brooks and Serria Tawan star in this campy-horror feature.

Injured in an out-of-town college basketball game Matt and his team-mates end up in the local hospital. He suffers a broken leg and is placed in traction making him unable to move. Really weird things are happening... the sweet young Candy Stripers are seducing all the men in the hospital, then wrapping them in a hideous web-like substance. Matt realizes he and his friends must escape but after the hospital is put under quarantine they're trapped! Heading for the basement they find a terrifying scene... an alien makeshift maternity ward! Yet another small DTV release desperately seeking attention. Candy Stripers is a borderline film as far as entertainment is concerned, it really is leaning on the edge waiting to be shoved into the zone of regret. The fact that it was a combination of playmates and aliens in a film, the temptation and curiosity was too much for me to pass up. Especially with the voluptuous DVD cover art that the movie possesses.

So to explain this movie, you just need to follow a fairly laid out pattern. Sex scene, sex scene, gore scene, sex scene, gore scene, gore scene, almost a sex scene... wait yes, we get a sex scene, more gore etc. Really, that's pretty much it. Not really a bad thing but it's also not favoring the movie as far as the premise is concerned. As the movie started, I told my wife "It'll probably have a sex scene every five minutes." Lo' and behold... it was like that.

There are some fairly decent gore moments in the film, not surprising but pulled off quite successfully and does not have an over-abundance of poor CGI effects. There is some CG imagery, even though it's not great it's still tolerable especially when comparing to a lot of the other recent direct-to-video horror flicks. It passes the effects test just barely, a fun watch for the gore indeed.

The thing that holds Candy Stripers down is its plot and actors. Neither are worth the time of the day. The plot is tiring, overdone and has no substance. The opening scene is actually one of the worst scenes in the movie and is NOT a good first impression for the viewer, keep watching though... it gradually gets better but loses steam near the end. The two actors in the scene seemed to just be reading their lines and not showing any "real" emotion what-so-ever. Also the fact that they were driving a car that didn't look like it was moving and when it was moving it made them look like they never even passed their driving test.

A good one-time viewing but only for gore fans. If you're looking for anything more than unnecessary sex scenes and gore/violence, you're not going to enjoy this much at all.

Clownhouse (1989)

Not much violence at all but still keeps up the slasher spirit.

[7/10 · 3 June 2006]

Just before Halloween, three kid brothers who are alone in a big house are menaced by three escaped mental patients who have murdered some traveling circus clowns and taken their identities.

This is the movie that kicked up the big stink of director Victor Salva (most notably known for creating and directing the Jeepers Creepers movies) molesting one of the kid actors in this movie and it's the only reason I can think of as to why it was produced on DVD and ready to be sold but was eventually never officially made available to the public though there are are plenty of copies that have leaked out, some are bootlegs/CD-R but many are real. The best thing to do is to not let it hold you back from watching the movie.

Clownhouse is one of Salva's earliest films. It's obviously low-budget, it has some low-class acting though Sam Rockwell managed to break out into some kind of stardom. The acting is probably the worst part of the movie because it's based on the three kids who are left home alone while their parents are out on business or something (I don't remember that detail anymore). These kids do alright but, they're kids. I don't really enjoy watching a bunch of boring, whining kids on screen but at least my interest is peak because there are are psychotic clowns out there trying to kill the lil' boys.

The mental patients who have escaped and dressed up as clowns are for the most part pitiful. The only clown worthy to fear is Cheezo. The really tall clown who obviously has the decent clown make-up, the other clowns look dull and stupid. Luckily enough, Cheezo gets the most screen time.

There's not much violence at all in the film. It's mostly implied violence but when a movie from the 80's is based on kids, they obviously weren't allowed to put axes in their faces and behead them (dang!). There are quite a few chase scenes, mostly boring as long as Cheezo is still around, you're still around... maybe.

Mainly slasher fans will enjoy this one. There's no real slashing but it's got that 80's slasher feel without the gore. It's not too bad.

The Burning (1981)

The same old slasher formula with a dash of incredible violence.

[7/10 · 3 June 2006]

A bunch of kids at a camp decide to play a prank on Cropsy. The prank goes wrong and scars Cropsy for life with severe burns. Now he's back out of rehab and wants his revenge! Yes, this is the full uncut version being reviewed but I don't see the big deal with the uncut footage. I'm sure the VHS copy I rented here in Australia had the exact same scenes. Yes, the raft scene is ultimately violent and looks very realistic in most aspects but that's about the extent of its violence (except for maybe the hooker scene) and doesn't do much from other slashers considering all other scenes involved.

There are a few young actors in "The Burning" who rose to fame many years later after this film had been released but contributed nothing to their popularity. Those being Jason Alexander (you know, George from Seinfeld) and Holly Hunter (who is hardly in this movie at all and not really worth mentioning). All of the cast give no great performances but do the movie justice for what it's worth. No awards to give here...

I can't say the music is all that enjoyable to listen to either. This may just be me but I hardly ever enjoy 80's music in horror films. It just seems loud and noisy but if you like music in your older horror film, the music here should be nothing to worry about. Tom Savini does a nice job on the gore effects here which don't seem to be all that different from his works on "Friday the 13th" which this film is strangely similar to in style (as is most 80's slashers).

The Cropsy character is an interesting character though gives no evidence of being a mean person before his accident. I wish I knew what he was like before he got burnt but then again, maybe he was a bore and was better off not being showed before the prank. Either way, Cropsy looks rather monster-ish in his one and only film debut. I'd be interested in a sequel if that were to ever happen but most likely never.

Overall, "The Burning" is your standard slasher film that wins points for being one of the earliest 80's slashers and being so daring as to being so violent that the movie was actually banned in many countries. Unfortunately, "The Burning" falls into the "if you've seen one slasher, you've seen them all" category. If you don't like your mindless violence, you're not going to love it...

Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp (2003 Video)

If you enjoyed the first film, you can't go wrong with this one.

[6/10 · 3 June 2006]

It's been five years since Trevor Moorehouse terrorized Camp Placid Pines, piling up bodies like cords of wood and now he returns! Coming to Placid Pines is difficult for Tracy, who's brother, Jason, was one of Trevor's victims near the end of the original. When Tracy's nightmares begin to come true as one by one the counselors are murdered. Someone is hunting them through the pitch-black forest and is determined to kill them all.

After hearing about how bad the first movie is supposed to be, it made me want to see them. You know, to see how bad they really were. I had never gotten the chance to see the first Bloody Murder movie until recently though I had seen Bloody Murder 2 last year. Now that I have seen both I can compare them to one another. This sequel is a step-up in every single way possible compared to its first movie. The killer looks cooler, the acting is better (but still not all that good), the atmosphere is a better (mostly at night time) and they've toned down the many ideas which were stolen from other movies.

Even though this film seems like your typical, low-budget slasher movie there's something about Trevor Moorehouse that kept me thinking. I still don't know if it was actually him doing the killings or someone just trying to imitate him like in the first movie. Either it's intentional or they forgot to clear that up in the second movie, which was probably the case as I doubt the people responsible for this film are rocket scientists. I'll just leave it with a guess, Trevor Moorehouse did it.

If you enjoyed the first film, you can't go wrong with this one. If you didn't like the first film but enjoy slasher movies, give it a try. If you don't like slasher movies in general, don't bother with this.

Wishmaster (1997)

It's got action, horror, suspense and gore to satisfy your needs.

[8/10 · 3 June 2006]

A Djinn (rather known as "The Wishmaster") is released through a gem found in an ancient statue. Once the Djinn grants the 3rd wish by his waker, he and his brothers (other Djinn's) are released unto the earth. If he can get that far...

Wishmaster's a favorite of mine. The premise of the movie is really cool and shows off some creative thoughts as to how an evil genie could twist any wish into something bad. The main problem with the Wishmaster films is that the rules of the movie seem to change. For example, in Wishmaster 2 it is said that the Djinn can only grant 1 wish to people for their soul though the security guard in the first movie (played by Jason Voorhees' Kane Hodder) gets 2 wishes. The first he uses to get the Djinn to leave and then he has another to see the Djinn "go through him". I just wish the continuity in these movies had stayed intact all the time, that may have made the sequels more worthwhile.

An impressive note is that this film was only shot in about 4 weeks, maybe a few days more but that surprised me. To get this quality type of movie in such a small time is quite remarkable, reminiscent of John Carpenter's Halloween which was shot in just a few weeks.

The actors did a pleasant job with the movie, especially Andrew Divoff who has the most evil voice to be heard on film (in my opinion). This brings me back to Wishmaster parts 3 and 4 where Divoff turned down the roles which brought John Novak in to replace him. Now, I must say that Divoff is excellent but a lot of people don't give Novak the credit in which he deserves. Think about how hard it is to fill Divoff's shoes with this role, not just in the acting but in the voice. I think Novak took the correct approach in his roles by making the Djinn sound more like a genie (he actually reminded me of a genie when he spoke) instead of imitating Divoff's evil voice.

The music in Wishmaster is your usual horror suspense score, nothing too different in this but it sets the tone well enough. The special effects, although sometimes looking a bit too fake were adequate and satisfying enough. The gore in the movie was nothing short of fantastic though. Also the addition of 4 well known horror actors (Robert Englund, Tony Todd, Kane Hodder and Angus Scrimm) to the cast is a treat, if not a gimmick to gain a wider audience by using the "if they're in it, it's got to be good" trick. That also brings up the fact that the movie is not directed by Wes Craven though is advertised to make people think that he did without actually saying it.

Wishmaster is a treat for most horror fans. It's got action, horror, suspense and gore to satisfy your needs. This is really a recommendation for all horror fans, I don't see how a slasher fanatic would be bored during the movie, or a gore-hound, or someone who likes suspenseful movies that have you on the edge of your seat. This is some entertaining stuff.

Ice Queen (2005 Video)

Low budget movies rarely surpass expectations... and this is another example of why that is.

[4/10 · 3 June 2006]

A scientist has found a cave woman from prehistoric times frozen in the ice. She's the Ice Queen. While en route back to civilization, the Ice Queen comes to life, causing the plane they were traveling in to crash into the side of a mountain. The crash causes an avalanche, which deposits the plane, along with several tons of snow, into the main lodge of a ski resort.

This is a generic monster movie. A moronic plot with unnecessary happenings to fill up the length of the movie, below average actors and I can't say anything good about the characters as they are as emotionally thin as paper. The only time I was interested in watching these horrible actors/characters was the pointless sex scene with big fake boobs filling up as much of the screen as possible (it really is my favorite scene from the movie if I had to name one). To sum it up, bad acting.

Gore effects, whilst sometimes extremely amateurish, are quite a bit of fun to endure. It's definitely fake but funny, sometimes Evil Dead type funny. There are some decent crashes pulled off on the screen but are usually followed by horribly crafted CG imagery. If only they had kept this movie totally prosthetic and can the CGI, it may have been able to hold some kind of merit. Alas, they tried to get too Hollywood and make it worse.

Wardrobe design for the Ice Queen and miscellaneous characters are pretty bad, the make-up for the Ice Queen is bearable but only because it makes you laugh. Tee-hee-hee, she look funny.

All they really needed was some more talented people behind the scenes. If only they had a director who could hide that TV movie feel, if only they had a few more decent actors so it doesn't look like a movie filmed by a high school class. It could have rivaled such movies as Pumpkinhead, The Unnamable and Rawhead Rex but falls too short due to its lousy production values.

Evil Aliens (2005)

Good for a laugh with your friends.

[6/10 · 3 June 2006]

Evil Aliens tells the story of a group of disreputable news unit who sets out to cover a bizarre story of alien abduction on an isolated island off the coast of Wales.

If you're into movies that just don't let up on incredibly weird scenes, this is the movie for you. You get to see some sick stuff and also some funny stuff, usually combined. You want to see a human having intercourse with an alien? You can see it here. You want to see a violent anal probe? You can see it here.

This is an independent film by Jake West, a guy who seems to have won countless number of awards for many low-budget films. The movie is handled in quite a professional manner and makes good use of obviously fake CGI. Somehow, he pulls it off so it doesn't feel so uninvited.

As the movie progresses, your face will change into many different shapes. Some of the expressions may be... "cool", "what the hell?" and "ummm, I'm going to look over here... now". All in good ways. The movies takes so many good ideas (however messed up they may be) to the extreme, they don't hold back on anything. It's good to see something refreshingly new to the screen.

Capped off with a stunningly entertaining ending, which is not common with these low-budget films. They usually seem to waste all of their money on the first half of the movie that they run out of money to complete their "great" ending. This is not the case with Evil Aliens as it is the best part of the movie.

One of the best low-budget films I've seen in a long time. Keep an eye and ear out for all of the major film references, you should find some in there. It's very consistent, and should keep you there for the full 90 minutes.

Good for a laugh with your friends.

Doom (2005)

Just a movie about guys running around with guns.

[6/10 · 3 June 2006]

Based on the hit computer game about Marines sent to investigate what went wrong on a space station. They never expected the scientists to still be there, turning into creatures and driven by a need to kill whoever they choose! Anyone who's ever played a game has most likely played "Doom" at one point or another. It's no surprise that at some point, the game would turn into a movie. This film is exactly what I thought it would be. It's a mediocre action movie with lots of effects that crush any hope you had of enjoying a decent horror flick.

If I had to tell you a similar movie that would sum up "Doom", I'd tell you to combine "Alien vs Predator" and "Resident Evil" together and you'd have "Doom" in a nutshell. Keep in mind, the creature effects in both "AvP" and "Resident Evil" are far superior to those in "Doom".

"The Rock" (Dwayne Johnson) is one of those actors that I always enjoy watching on screen. Whether or not the movie he's starring in is good or not, I'm always pleased with his performance. While his efforts in "Doom" seem a little tedious, he's still gives the best performance out of any cast member in the film. What is with the cast anyways? It's the most generic bunch of guys I've seen. You got your macho leader, your hero, your nervous dork, your hard-ass, your tough guy and your... Asian. Wow, I see they've really been following the cliché book mighty closely.

Special effects are as good as you can expect for a movie based on a video game, though I was not very impressed with the creature effects. Granted, they don't show the creatures much or at all but isn't that half the reason you wanted to see this film anyways? To see a whole bunch of creatures come on screen and put up a fight? Errr, I did. Also take note that the movie is extremely dark, so when something actually goes down, you're going to miss half of it because it's so damn hard to see the interesting fight between one of the creatures and that black guy "Destroyer".

The game view near the end contains some impressive visuals but grows tiresome quickly. I really enjoyed the shots of guys getting heads exploded but once we get to the chainsaw, it just became tacky.

The movie did seem to gain interest in the last 10 minutes or so but by that time, you're probably to depressed to care. This is a movie for guys, full of testosterone. It's filled with guns and when they don't have guns, they've got even bigger guns to fill in the absence. You get the idea... just a movie about guys running around with guns.

Bad Taste (1987)

Watch and enjoy with a bowl of cereal.

[7/10 · 3 June 2006]

Lord Crumb and his army of aliens has landed on earth with the intention of selling mankind as intergalactic hamburger meat. Earth's government issue a full-scale alert and unleash their first line of defense "The Boys" - Derek, Frank, Oz and Barry... Will Lord Crumb succeed in turning the human race into "Crumb's Country Delights" or will The Boys stop him? I can't say that I knew a lot about this film before watching it and I can't say that I saw this earlier than this year (though I could blame that on the fact that the movie has been banned in my state for quite some time). What I can say is that this is an experience for all horror fans. I'm not implying that a slasher fan is going to love it, or a ghosts fanatic will too but this is at the very least, a one-time viewing for all of the movie-going public.

From information that I've gathered, this film was just a bunch of friends getting together on the weekends to make a movie. I'm not sure if a script was present but supposedly this film was totally improvised whilst being filmed. Now, you may have just thought that I contradicted myself by saying that there may have been a script and yet the movie was improvised but I mean it in the way that there is a script with no real dialogue, just details on what kind of path the movie would follow. Technically, if they did have something like that, I guess you wouldn't call it a script in the first place. Let's just say that the movie isn't exactly the works of Shakespeare but works well enough for the film that it is.

All of the acting is campy and not all that serious. I don't think anyone really needs to question the acting in the first place as it's not really required and would have probably been a lot worse if taken into the serious approach. I'm not sure if these guys have acted in anything else, possibly just small films that aren't backed by major studios but gt a thumbs up in my book. Peter Jackson playing the main role in the film as Derek kind of surprised me. I can't say that I'm a huge fan of Jackson's work in movies such as The Lord Of The Rings or even Braindead/Dead-Alive (not to say this movie didn't have its moments) but I can certainly see why he got so famous.

All of the gore is lovely to watch and is presented in a more comical manner. It's not the type of film I'd go "Ughhh!" at (do I do that to any film?) though the more relaxed viewer may find the gore highly disturbing. I can see why and don't blame them, though they deserve it for not keeping a healthy horror movie diet.

Overall, the movie is pretty good. Don't be fooled by the "Director of The Lord Of The Rings" promoting on the region 4 DVD as it is pretty much as far from the Lord Of The Rings movies as possible. Watch and enjoy with a bowl of cereal.

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Washed up actors, pointless plot scenes and a confusing director.

[5/10 · 3 June 2006]

Edward Carnby, detective of the paranormal, unexplained and supernatural, investigates a mystery (the recent death of a friend) with clues leading to "Shadow Island" that brings him face to face with bizarre horrors that prove both psychologically disturbing and lethal, as he discovers that evil demons worshiped by an ancient culture called the Abskani are planning on coming back to life in the 21st century to once again take over the world... and only he and a young genius anthropologist with an incredible memory (and his ex-girlfriend), Aline Cedrac, stand in their way, at a gateway to hell. Standing in Carnby's way, however, is the impact that a brief encounter with an evil spirit called the Queen had upon his mind, as he slowly finds himself overpowered by the forces of darkness as they eat away at his very sanity...

I'm not a huge fan of the video game series but I did own part 4 on Playstation and I suppose it's a good idea to base the movie on, both the game and movie are somewhat similar. There are a lot of Uwe Boll haters out there. I however, think he's a decent action director. Some of the visuals he can create can be pretty cool to watch.

Boll's last film, House of the Dead (universally hated by the entire world) is the only other film of his that I remember seeing and in comparison, he's taken a step up with Alone in the Dark. Maybe it was better because there was a little more substance to this plot, maybe because there was a little more to know in this movie, maybe it was because they have some better actors in this film, who knows? Now, I'm not a fan of any of the actors in this film. If I had to choose the best actor, I'd have to go with Dorff because I own a few of his other films on DVD. Slater has always been a borderline actor and seems to keep it together in this film but is slowly dragged down by his co-star Tara Reid who will annoy you with her explosive mouth and whorish face. She really is annoying! Alone in the Dark never really gave me the action I craved until the end and by that time, the movie had already failed me. A big issue is that I'm not entertained by movies just using 3 minutes of continuous gunfire. It's not exactly exciting to see a bunch of bullets flying at the screen, it's too repetitive.

I didn't mind the monsters, they seemed to stay true to the game, visually (as I recall). The CGI in the movie is generally questionable, yet bearable. I really like the music from the soundtrack in the first scene of uncontrollable gunfire where the screen kept going black when being attacked by those creatures. Usually heavy metal doesn't mix well with most scenes in movies, although I do feel as though it's a good testosterone builder, they did will with the music in this film. "Ghost" by Mnemic is a cool song, been listening to it on the soundtrack ever since early 2005.

The movie suffers from seemingly washed up talent, pointless plot progression and a confusing director. Somehow they manage to keep the film within some kind of boundaries of toleration but that all depends on how far away you draw your lines.

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Enjoyable fight sequences but everything else is quite boring.

[6/10 · 3 June 2006]

An expedition of archaeologists on Earth discover an Aztec temple hidden under the Antarctic circle, housing a host of Alien creatures. A group of coming-of-age Predators have also come to the temple, as it has long been a training ground for their race. From there on, it's Aliens vs. Predators, with the humans caught in the middle.

This is a fairly hard movie to rate as I can easily say that I was disappointed with the movie as a whole but I thought the action/fight sequences between the Aliens and Predators were stunning. Clever use of slow-motion with bone crushing thuds everywhere as Aliens and Predators recklessly trash the set.

Now that I've proclaimed my love of the action sequences, it's time to say a few things that I don't like. I don't like the fact that it took so long to get into the actual action. I'd say that it takes like 45 minutes at least just to get to the first action sequence. Yeah, from then on in it gets interesting but everything before it was pretty much a snooze-fest. I hated pretty much every single human character shown on screen. I actually prayed for their deaths... quicker would have been better and the lack of violence towards the actual humans also lets this one slide down the scale a bit. Don't get my words mixed up, there is quite a bit of violence in the movie, it's just not gory or bloody.

There's also one thing about this movie that seemed to work well on me and that was the playing field. It seems that the Predators alone have an advantage over the Aliens in one-on-one situations so every time I saw a Predator get slaughtered, something inside of me stopped. I felt weird, I don't know how to explain it but it was a powerful feeling. Kind of like the feeling of a highly obsessive fans' favorite sporting team reaching the final game and getting their asses whooped! I hear a lot of people don't like the plot but it's not that bad and what a lot of people don't understand is that Anderson tries to tie the movie in with the comics, he may not have ended up with a masterpiece but anyone who's been a fan of AvP before the movie should know and respect this. Also, the fact that this movie wasn't even finished by its deadline is another reason why it got so sloppy. I'm not saying it would have made the film any better by giving it some more time though it may have given Anderson and his crew a lil' bit more credit where credit is due.

Many loyal fans will be disappointed but hey... unfortunately that happens.

Wolf Creek (2005)

A great change from the standard killer-in-a-mask formula.

[8/10 · 3 June 2006]

A chilling, factually-based, story of three road-trippers in remote Australia who are plunged into danger when they get stuck in the middle of nowhere due to car problems. They accept help from an outback local, was it wrong to accept his help? Australia has never really made any decent horror movies in the past with the exception of "Undead". Australia has produced some shitty slasher films such as "Cut" (which tries to be too mainstream for its own good) and "Blood Moon" (which is just a plain stupid film that will bore you to tears). This is the first Australian horror movie that I can honestly say grabs you and doesn't let you go until the credits roll. I'm not sure if you can really call it a slasher film but it's the closest sub-genre I can think of to match the movie.

Fans of movies such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Blair Witch Project should instantly love this film and for you guys who like your gritty violent movies, this may tingle your taste buds a bit too.

The movie starts off with a bit of reading material, which explains how many Australians are reported missing every year or so and how most of them are found a month later but for some unlucky people, they're never heard from again. That line really sets the tone for the movie and got me nervous quickly, they also finish the movie in the same way which leaves you even more shook up when its over.

The cast is made up from a lot of new faces who all do a fairly convincing job and capture the relative moods of the situations fairly well. There are some minor flaws as the movie at one point starts to get Friday the 13th fever but quickly slaps itself back into shape and keep you on the edge of your seat.

The movie is fairly brutal, containing some violent moments and torture scenes. Also, the way in which the maniac killer chases down his final victim is amazing and throws you totally off the mark when you try to guess what happens when and how.

It's not the type of movie I'd consider to have a lot of replay value but it really does draw you in and impress. This is definitely one of horror's best additions over recent years and I think will leave a mark for years to come.

The ending concept is just so unsettling that it may stop you from going outback/camping for a while.

Tamara (2005)

It's one of the better teen horror movies as of late.

[7/10 · 3 June 2006]

Tamara is an unattractive, unpopular, abused girl in her high-school years. She has a crush on her teacher, Mr. Bill Natolly, and she likes witchcraft. When his teacher publishes her article about the use of steroids by the high-school athletes in the school newspaper expecting to improve her self-esteem, the matter indeed puts the students against Tamara. Three classroom mates use three other silly students to play a prank with Tamara, but they accidentally kill her. Due to a spell, Tamara returns from death and plots a lethal evil revenge against the group, and tries to take Bill from his beloved wife, since there is a bond between Bill and Tamara due to the witchcraft.

This fairly unoriginal movie is actually quite a treat. Even though its premise has been used in many other films before, Tamara seems to pull it off as something new, something we'll stick around and watch.

The acting is for the most part average. The lead jock was probably the worst, clichéd character you could find. Really, most of the characters all follow the usual hum-drum formula. Jenna Dewan definitely stands out and fills her roll nicely. Though you have to admit, just before she died she was already looking quite sexy. So even though she looked her best after she "dies", she looked better than most girls in the movie moments before her passing away.

Anyways, there are some decent death scenes in this one which was surprising. I wasn't expecting that a couple of these could closely rival something out of "Saw". The gore effects used are pretty standard but work well and there's no unbelievably fake CGI thrown in to ruin it. The death scenes are the attraction of the movie except of course for the "sexy" Tamara.

Something that raised my score a little is that it wasn't just a revenge movie. It did throw in some drama and even romance to the mix. She didn't just come back to torture those who accidentally killed her because of their stupidity. She came back for love as well. Though the situation rarely arises, there is some good chemistry working between Tamara and her teacher (I mean, as actors).

Jenna Dewan, though very attractive, manages to bring out the evil side well in Tamara. She doesn't try to cringe her face to look evil, she just has this smile that whenever you see it, you know she's thinking of something really naughty, whether its good or bad. Especially during her first scene back at class after her death and the conversation she had with her teachers' wife.

It runs out of steam near the end, especially since Tamara goes off-screen for quite some time when they should be climaxing the movie, not slowing it down. As long as you can handle a cliché'd movie, you're going to have a bit of fun with this one. It reminds me a lot of "The Rage: Carrie 2". If you dig that flick, I doubt you'll have a hard time getting into this one.

It's one of the better teen horrors as of late in my opinion.

Milo (1998)

Freddy, Jason and all the other horror icons are safe from this puppy.

[4/10 · 3 June 2006]

Four young grade-school girls witness the murder of one of their classmates during what they thought was just an innocent game. The killer is a strange young boy named Milo Jeeder. Sixteen years later, the four survivors of the event re-unite under happier circumstances in the same town where it happened. They believe that Milo drowned in a river shortly after the murder, but soon learn that the demonic killer Milo has also returned, still a young boy, unchanged even after almost two decades.

The cover for this movie makes it look really cool (yet I still expected a bad movie to come out of it). When I pop in the DVD into my player, the menu comes up and makes the film still look cool. Sadly, this movie isn't all that it got my excited about. The movie is your average attempt at a slasher film and when I say average, I mean just like all those other small-budget slasher movies that have never been welcomed with open arms into most members of the horror community (I'm talking about you, the horror fan). In other words, you could walk up to any horror fan and the majority of responses would be "this sucks".

What mistakes did the movie make? First of all, the DVD cover art makes Milo look really dark but they blow it all by showing his face in the movie in many different scenes. He had the potential of being a very freaky character. Secondly, the back of the cover art tells Freddy, Jason, Chucky etc to pack their bags and move on out because Milo is so much better... why in the hell would you want to say something like that when it comes to a no-name, low-budget slasher film that has obviously failed? I mean, it just raises your expectations of the movie, making it harder to impress itself upon you. In a last ditch effort to attract attention, it says (in very big letters) "From the creator of Anaconda". Just shows you how low they're going to get as much attention as possible for the movie.

The gore in the movie sucks, the director gives you some hideous angles when Milo attacks someone. The music isn't all that bad and I never once fell asleep during the movie (congratulations). I'm still trying to figure out what Milo actually is. My best bet would be that he is a zombie, if anyone else knows, tell me. Rest assured, I won't be losing any sleep over thinking about it.

Leprechaun 6: Back 2 Tha Hood (2003 Video)

Only hardcore fans may find merit in this film.

[5/10 · 3 June 2006]

The evil Leprechaun is back to reclaim his gold but this time he's got to resist the temptation of... smoking a bong?!? Leprechaun meets the boyz in the hood and proves that he's got what it takes to be the baddest mofo around. Lep is back to the hood and up to no good... again.

I'm not an avid Leprechaun fan. In fact, I've never paid much attention to these movies until this year came around. I've seen Leprechaun 1, 2, 3 and now 6 (Back 2 Tha Hood) and I'd say that "Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood" would have to be the best of the series. I had seen some parts of part 3 and about half of Leprechaun 4 a couple of years ago but I don't think I'd seen enough to pass judgment.

What attracts me to this film the most is that it's so different from the rest of the series. When I say this, I'm thinking of how Jason X was to the rest of the Jason movies. I mean, the Leprechaun isn't used to dealing with these smart-ass ghetto thugs. The jokes used in the movie aren't very original and are either hit or miss. You either like this kind of humor or just think that it's been done before and move on. For me, it was a guilty pleasure.

None of the characters in this movie are likable except for the Leprechaun, but if he wasn't likable, he wouldn't have gotten to this many sequels, would he? For the most part, I was happy to see these smart-asses get beaten up and impaled by bongs, stabbed with sharp objects and all harmful acts that happened during the movie. Some of the slow motion was well-placed and made the film evermore funny (i.e. Lep's eye incident) but for the most part, it didn't suit the movie all that well but didn't really harm it either..

The Leprechaun looked so much better in this film, he looks a lot creepier than he used to. Every time I'd see a Leprechaun film, I'd wonder if people actually got scared of him because he was always so comical with his appearance and annoying rhymes. Luckily, I only remember the Leprechaun blubbering out one rhyme in this movie which was a welcomed change, instead of rolling my eyes at another lame one-rhymer.

When it all comes down to it, this is an average horror film but a good addition to the Leprechaun series. If you're bored and want some horror fun, check out this film because you got about a 50/50 chance of splitting your sides in laughter like I did or just staring blankly at the screen. I say, give it a chance.

Infested (2002)

Good premise, production values sucked.

[4/10 · 3 June 2006]

If I understood correctly, it's just about a bunch of insects that fly into humans mouths, possesses them and eats them from the inside out. Yep, that's pretty much it... I think.

This movie has a pretty decent premise even though it doesn't take a brain surgeon to comprehend. I know it's nothing unique but it could have been an easy excuse to showcase some awesome gore but unfortunately, this movie fails.

There are some moments in the film which are pretty cool, some effects look great but most of them are so ridiculously fake, especially the CGI which is just laughable at most times. Also, the characters in the film act so obnoxiously and comically that it just ruins the film. How can you like a movie which is NOT a comedy that has people being hunted by zombie-like humans, having a broken leg and cracking jokes about ecstasy pills making you horny? It is totally absurd and not funny.

If you've ever seen Wishmaster 2, remember the locusts at the end? Remember how shitty they looked? Well, the insects in this movie look exactly like that but the worst part is, they show them a lot so it's too hard to forgive! Ha, actually I've already run out of things to say. All you need to remember about this review is that the CGI is totally LAME and the characters treat a serious problem as a joke. Their attitudes do not match the situation and of course, the ending to the movie is unbearably stupid. A crappy twist to say the least.

Stay away from this one... though that priest guy was okay.

Hardware (1990)

Some nice touches, especially with the Mark 13 derivative.

[7/10 · 3 June 2006]

The 21st century world is a radioactive wasteland as a result of a nuclear war. A traveling scavenger comes across the remains of a cyborg named Mark 13 in the desert; He salvages pieces of it. The cyborg head ends up with a metal sculptress, who is unaware of the cyborg's infamy as a governmental killing machine project that was scrapped due to its defects. Mark 13 reconstructs itself utilizing household appliances and metal parts, and goes amok.

Hardware is a movie that relies on its post-modernistic stylings to bring out its flavor but most of the time it falls flat. It's full of oddly placed music, I heard somewhere that the director Richard Stanley used to direct music videos, so maybe that explains a few reasons as to why this movie is the way it is. The red filter used through at least 50% of the movie can become highly annoying and get in the way of viewing some potentially good, violent scenes. Also the scenes which slowly push the plots progression could have done without the distraction.

Luckily enough, when the movie really gets going (it takes almost an hour!) its quite a fun ride of just extremely painful death scenes as the clunky robot Mark-13 chases down all humans in his way.

Devour (2005 Video)

The first half got me interested, the second half lost me.

[5/10 · 3 June 2006]

The movie revolves around a character named Jake Gray and his friends that have been playing a deadly game called "The Pathway", which eventually spirals out of control and threatens a worldwide epidemic of violence.

After reading the plot outline and the cool cover art, I decided to give it a go. It starts off right away with the opening credits which plugs a fairly dire heavy rock / metal song in the background. It's the type of set-up that gets you thinking "Oh god, this is going to be lousy and look really cheap!" but alas the first half of the movie is the most entertaining.

The story behind this film is interesting yet executed in a fairly poor manner. Basically, the devil communicates to others via the internet through an online game called "The Pathway" in which you give the site your phone number and apparently it can bring up your whole life's history. You then get phone calls asking you to do certain things, similar to sacrificing animals to your god. The problem with this movie is that it decides to put such a huge twist (a twist that is too complex for its own good) into the mix that really leaves you confused at the end. Though, once you've sat through the first hour of the movie and it all starts to become un-interesting, you won't really care before you get to see the twist. I know what you're thinking... "The devil using the internet? What the hell?" Yeah, I know.

The devil / creature in the movie is similar to a cross between an alien (from the Alien movies) and Djinn (from the Wishmaster movies) but never talks and the screen is always shaken or blurred when you see the creature so you don't really get a good look. The best chance you'll have to get a decent view is near the end but like I said, you may be battling your eyes once you get there.

Devour could have been really good and pulls you in for the first 30 minutes or so, but due to poor character backgrounds, a confusing story and the constant switch between horror and drama, it really is hard to make it worth your 90 minutes of viewing time.

Ah, what the hell, go have a watch. It is a fairly well made movie for direct-to-video but that's no excuse to cut it some slack. The first half got me interested, the second half lost me. I'll be very surprised if your reaction is any different.

Demon Hunter (2005)

Too much talking, too much walking.

[4/10 · 3 June 2006]

BLADE meets "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" – BILLY DRAGO stars as a half human/half demon who fights to save the world from a vicious demon bent on forcing possessed women to bear its children.

Yawn, it's not exactly the most original type of movie and it easily tries to emulate the styles of recent fanatical television series. It's filled with boring modern rock music, poor dialogue and uninteresting fight scenes which may have just been borderline passable if it were an actual TV series but this movie just didn't move at a good pace.

The opening scene whilst not being fantastic may shine some light of hope in your eyes but from then on in you should only stay for the boobs because that's the only thing that caught my eye. The slutty demons were a nice touch... very nice touch.

This was too much like a television show and I'm sure the reason why they keep shows like that 45 minutes or shorter is because they're boring in high dosages. To no avail, Demon Hunter becomes very boring, very quickly.

Too much talking, too much walking. Fight scenes are just punch for punch and no flashy choreography is apparent. In fact, these fights were probably coordinated by the actors themselves. It's hard to review this movie because I don't watch many television series, if any at all.

Hence, I can't take much more of this.

Death Tunnel (2005)

Mostly uninteresting and unexciting.

[4/10 · 3 June 2006]

Movie is based on the True Stories and Hauntings of Waverly Hills Sanatorium in Louisville, Kentucky. This horrific Five story structure is listed as one of the Top Ten Scariest Places on Earth, due to the 63,000+ deaths within this monument of Terror. They were then carried through the massive Five hundred foot underground Tunnel to their final resting place. The story involves Five girls on a college initiation, dared to spend the night separately on the Five floors of this sanatorium, with the Five ghosts that exist within it's abandoned corridors. Will they make it through the night? For the only way out is through...the Death Tunnel.

This is a film which tries to scare you with cheap imagery and jump scenes. There's nothing really good about this movie (maybe the girls?), it does have a haunting setting and theme but it's executed amateurly. They also rip-off multiple mainstream movies, most notably SAW.

After a few moments into the movie, you realize it's basically just another teen movie (the awful parties, the bitchy girls etc). After they pick some of the most sluttiest girls from our new generation to spend their time in the "haunted" place, you get a movie riddled with confusion. You can be sure to watch girls walk around, investigate and yell out "What the hell am I doing here?" type questions.

The acting isn't too bad but the characters all suck and have shitty lines. So its hard for me to rate them but they seem OK. I like the music in the movie but it's repeated at nauseum. It's like they loved it so much, it was the best part of the movie... it was the movie! Death Tunnel is a bullshit ride which House On Haunted Hill remake lovers could endure but any self-respecting horror fan will realize it's just a festival of try-hard "scary" stuff happening on screen. There's too much scene chopping and flashbacks to keep it progressing well.

Mostly uninteresting and unexciting.

Cold and Dark (2005)

I'd avoid if I were you.

[3/10 · 3 June 2006]

When Detective Mortimer Shade is somehow killed in a freezer, a parasite called a grail possesses his body, revives him, but he needs blood to stay alive. His partner John Dark accepts the new situation and together they become vigilantes, judging and killing the bad guys, with Shade sucking their blood with his claw. However, Dark notes that Shade is losing the rest of his humanity and becoming a monster, being aware and afraid of the danger Shade represents to mankind and trying to stop him.

Is something wrong with my eyes or was it completely intentional to make the cast and crew names at the start almost indecipherable? I could barely read any of the words on the screen. You would have needed to be watching this with a telescope to read the names. Anyways, onto the movie...

The story to the film is quite ho-hum but interesting enough to at least get you to watch it but it every time something is about to actually happen, it lets you down and shows nothing of interest. There are a few scenes which will grab you but it's not enough, there's just too many pointless conversations with all of the stereotypical foreign characters. If you don't like heavy accents, you won't like it either.

The basis on the movie is how Shade was killed and had the parasite re-animate him, which could have been a really cool scene but we never even get to see it. It's all off-screen which is what makes this film suffer as it is shot rather decently. I don't agree with some of the angles and effects used in certain scenes but it's not too bad.

The acting is okay, no great performances and a couple lousy performances (i.e. Chief of Police) but they do alright. The screenplay is a little confusing and jumps all over the place. The movie is very inconsistent with its pace and disappoints immensely. A few notably good gore effects hardly make up for this one and a half hour waste.

To sum it up, whenever you think something interesting is about to happen, it decides to stop and try again later and never pulls through. I'd avoid if I were you.

Thralls (2005 Video)

If you enjoyed "Dracula 2000", this may hold your interest.

[5/10 · 3 June 2006]

The story focuses on a group of six beautiful women called Thralls, referred to as "the white trash of vampires;" effectively a lower species of vampire. They don't kill people, they don't have the ability to turn their victims into vampires and they can't fly. These Thralls are under the control of Mr. Jones, the vampire who sired them, and whom they are trying desperately to escape. To do this they must complete a blood ritual which will turn them into full-blown vampires. Their plans hit a snag when Ashley, the younger sister of one of the Thralls, comes to visit. Ashley has no idea what her sister has been up to since moving to the big city nor what she has become...

It's a vampire movie, it's got a bunch of hot babes, running around like vampires normally do. That's pretty much it. The story is stupid and really starts to annoy me as every vampire movie I see, gets more and more similar to that of the last viewed that I just feel like I've watched the movie already.

The acting is decent, it's not good but its usually bearable. There's quite a bit of blood (well, it is a vampire movie) but nothing overly disgusting. There are some small additions of CGI into certain scenes and is executed poorly. There can be so many movies that have had a great idea, but the scenes don't have the proper effect on you because the image is too fake. You've got to go for prosthetics over CGI for the effect.

I'll keep it short and sweet. The main reason why most guys will watch this is because of the women and that really is the only part worth looking at in the movie. If you watched this for any other reason, you're either female or most likely a homo.

Yet another modern vampire romp. If you enjoyed "Dracula 2000", this may hold your interest.

2001 Maniacs (2005)

It's good if you like cheesy gore and Robert Englund.

[7/10 · 3 June 2006]

On their way to Spring Break, college kids take a detour through an old Southern town. The people of Pleasant Valley insist the kids stay for their annual barbecue celebration... but instead of getting a taste of the old South, the old South gets a taste of them! This movie has had a lot of positive reviews buzzing around from horror fans so I decided to rent this one out last week and give it a go. After watching it, I really wanted to know why it was so "good" and I think the most logically disappointing reason for it is the fame of Robert Englund. If this guy had not become Freddy Krueger all those years ago, this movie would not be considered to be as great as its been told.

The story is fairly non-existent and relies on its on and off one-liner laughs and intentionally explicit and sometimes unrealistic gore. Whilst the movie starts off something closely resembling an American Pie movie, the laughs are still there to keep you going to the point of when they meet the "maniacs" at Pleasant Valley.

The actors in the movie aren't too bad, even though most of the characters are as 2-dimensional as they come, they manage to hold their own... for the most part. Most of the "maniacs" are boringly written and use some of the worst stereotypical accents that I've heard. Even though that may have been intentional, it doesn't stop the characters coming across as being dull and boring. If it weren't for Robert Englund, the cast would have failed in constructing this movie. Everything would have crumbled.

The effects and gore are laughably stupendous. There are some wickedly thought up deaths for the movie but they only manage to withdraw a grin from my face and nothing more. The "what the..?" factor is extremely high in this movie as they seem to enjoy cramming in as much oddly placed situations as they can just to keep you weirded out.

Uh, yeah. It could've been great but in the end, it's just a bit of fun that brushes off your shoulder like dust. Am I weird or does this movie remind you of "Dead & Breakfast"?

Scary Movie 4 (2006)

Just as good as its predecessors.

[8/10 · 3 June 2006]

Cindy finds out the house she lives in is haunted by a little boy and goes on a quest to find out who killed him and why. Also, Alien "Tr-iPods" are invading the world and she has to uncover the secret in order to stop them.

The good thing about "Scary Movie" movies is that they're all different from each other. A lot of the humor is the same but it's still fresh parody ideas. I thought the trailer was not funny at all and that had lowered my expectations to the point where I may have enjoyed this a lot more.

Much like Scary Movie 3, part 4 takes a bunch of recent horror films and blends them in with parodies from other genres... not to be so technical but I thought they were meant to just spoof horror... not that it really matters as this may have been the funniest "Scary Movie" yet. I think once it hits DVD, I will probably appreciate its humor even more.

What is it with teens? The whole cinema was packed full of teens and young 20-somethings who didn't know anything about the movies being spoofed. I was sat next to a bunch of teen girls who would cuss in every sentence when they weren't watching the movie and yelling out the names of the movies they were spoofing... "Saw 2!"... "No, it's the first one"... "Whatever". Pffft. They barely laughed and still thought it was a great movie. I remember them laughing at the stuff that really wasn't funny like the "foot race" where the guy runs into the wall... it wasn't really funny, it was just moronic and yet these hoes laughed at it. The worst part is when they laughed at stuff that wasn't meant to be funny... stuff they actually weren't spoofing. I'm talking about stuff like Jigsaw riding a trike... he does that in the real movies and yet they thought that was the joke. These people should be shot.

Anywho, part 4 is filled with cameos of modern pop-icons, references (of course) and cast members from the last film. They do a funny spoof of Million Dollar Baby and really work the War of the Worlds plot well into the movie as its actually not different from the real movie. Say what? Michael Madsen had a short but funny scene where he imitates Tim Robbins' character from War of the Worlds and says "We'll build our own tripods... ours will have 4 legs." Man, this movie had some sweet lines.

The effects were also quite terrific. Even stuff like the ground breaking in the streets was up to par with the real movie. Top notch stuff. The Jigsaw scenes were funny too, especially the ending.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it... you'll love it if you loved part 3... if you didn't, there still may be hope because even though it uses the same style as the last one, using these new movies really makes it a new experience. I don't know how you'll go, but I laughed.

Oh yeah, also look out for the arguments that Mahalik and CJ have like they did in part 3. The MySpace reference was sweet... I was waiting for someone to use that.

I don't drink... but I sure did review this movie like I was drunk. I drink, therefore I am.

Jason X (2001)

Let the bodies hit the floor...

[9/10 · 29 December 2002]

The trailer for Jason X excited me so much, it looked really cool. Then after watching it I felt satisfied. Like I've said in other reviews...this hasn't got a great story but what you do get is a known horror character doing what he does best, kill, kill kill!

Jason racks up an enormous body count in this film and makes it look cool (don't go killing people though). Nice death scenes and some funny one-liners make this film quite enjoyable. Some of the characters were annoying but maybe that was intentional so we could cheer Jason on to kill them.

I think this movie would make an excellent video game. You could be Jason trying to kill everyone or you could be a human character trying to stop Jason by setting traps and stuff. I wish they would make a game of it.

I loved this movie.

P.S. People who tell the plot of a film in their reviews must be pretty stupid because the plot can be found at the top of the screen. Which means whoever does it is just wasting their time in typing it out. You really should be telling how you felt about the movie.