jjoffe Reviews

La La Land (2016)

Worst movie of 2017 -

[1/10 · 28 January 2017]

Here we are, January 2017, barely one month is past and we already have the worst movie of the year. Beside the sorry lack of continuity, poor lighting and average acting, La La Land will put to sleep in La La anyone who likes this genre except for the very loud "progressive" jazz. The person who recommended this movie to me will suffer accordingly (no promotion or raise for the foreseeable future) and will be made to pay back the money I spent for the tickets (my wife and another couple). Do I have anything good to say about it? Nahhh. I just wonder how in heaven's earth this trash got even one Oscar nomination unless they have a category for boredom inducing relevant script on two hours of celluloid. The producers must have had no budget for lighting equipment. The movie is as dark as third rate horror trilogy. Talk about a spoiler - here is one - I spoiled 2 hours trying to stay awake with some success. And IMDb shows 8.3 rating? Is this another case of "alternate reality"??? Save your money for a good movie.

Spectre (I) (2015)

B for boring, very very boring.

[1/10 · 8 November 2015]

Wonder what the refund policy is at Premier Theaters. Of course they are not responsible for this fiasco. It just went on and on and on......plot meandering went nowhere...actors mumbling...no suspense, just one predictable scene after another. Some of the scenes looked like they were shot on my grandpa 8mm Kodak movie camera. And to boot, the "reality" of the fight scenes would meet a standard of a 5 year old. We all know this is not a documentary, but when Bond / Craig get pummeled by the bad guy on the train and his tie stays in place and he suffers not a scratch or a black eye where is the realism...The Islander aircraft flying with its wings clipped outboard of the engines?????.Come on Broccoli team - is this the best you can do? Sean Connery is rolling his eyes and chuckling at the new low in Bond movies. Wasted evening, could have snoozed on a couch instead of a movie theater. Now, let us face it..10 lines of comments on this almost two and a half hours of boredom is a task that even Sam Mendez could not master.

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2015)

What on God's earth have other reviewers seen????

[1/10 · 20 July 2015]

I want my money back.....please. What a pathetic wondering unfocused script........how did they con several good actors to participate in this idiotic tale with hardly a beginning and a stupid end will boggle the minds of anyone who wasted 120 minutes with or without popcorn. Talk about a spoiler - yes, it spoiled my wife and my evening. What a sad waste....

Is it a new trend to pipe diddle music over any conversation? Have a 120 minute music track in a 128 minute movie?

Enough time wasted on watching this piece of cinematic trash, I will not waste more keyboard strikes on this stinker. Wow........

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

Worst waste of time

[1/10 · 10 March 2015]

Endless pontifications, crummy editing, presumptuous acting and lousy plot. Put them all together and you have the worst time waster. How this piece of crap ended up with any Oscars is beyond any reasonable person. This film does not deserve ten lines of opinion but since the site requires it I will add that the three people sitting next to me shared this opinion and in fact chimed in with other negative comments most of which are not fit to print. Piece of advise - avoid this film like the plague, the measles or the flu. I held an Oscar party and everyone who saw the film voted zero on the ballot I prepared. You should have heard the moans and curses when Birdman kept winning. What do Oscar voters think?

The Road (I) (2009)

Apocalypt movie #38

[1/10 · 26 November 2009]

While Viggo Mortensen's and the kid's acting may have been good, and while the book may have garnered a Pulizer, this is just another in a long series movies of post Apocalypse world (Waterworld, Soylent Green to name two), inescapable plot, boring and preposterous. Predictable characters and story line (did you expect a happy ending?) wrecked buildings, abandoned cars and rogue vigilantes. I walked out after the fifth flash back as did a number of other people who were seen at the box office clamoring for a refund. This should have been released for Halloween, not for Thanksgiving. Having read some of the pontifications and adulation of this redundant and mundane cinematic event, I am amazed at the perspective some reviewers brought to this movie and at the posting above. Had I seen the trailer or the coming attraction I would have requested to be reminded not to waste my time or money. A genuine El Stinko.

Madea Goes to Jail (2009)

Pathetic boring waste of time

[1/10 · 20 September 2009]

Worst piece of garbage on the screen for the decade. A pathetically idiotic plot, miserable production values.....makes one wonder who underwrote this piece of trash. Bad bad bad bad bad bad. Why anyone would bother putting this on film or tape is beyond me. Not funny, not interesting. Let's put it this way - this Tyler dude ain't Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Bill Cosby, Richard Pryor or Red Fox. For that matter, he could not even shine their shoes. Then comes the idiotic plot - sorry script, poor direction, lousy acting, even worst "singing"....so...excuse me while I puke. In my many years of movie watching, this rates right on the very bottom. Glad I did not pay money to see this piece of trash - one other good thing about Netflix. Just yank the DVD out of the player, put it back in the envelope and ship it back. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Very baaaaaaaad.

One Night with the King (2006)

Save time - send money directly to Paul and Jan

[1/10 · 17 October 2006]

The Crouch family should stick to fleecing the masses out of their money (which they do very well). Movie makin ain't their bacon. Even as wannabee producers they have and will fail miserably.

Ooops, when I went to see it, I forgot to put my evangelical glasses. Film is great for people with preconceived notions of the glory of the story. When you view it with an open mind - it is a cartoonish presentation with live "actors". Acting - what acting? Production values? Yech.

So...save your time. Why spend money on popcorn and soda when you can send it directly to Paul and Jan (she needs a new hair piece!!!). Go see a real movie.

Syriana (2005)

Editing - worst job ever

[2/10 · 11 December 2005]

If you ever wanted to see an example of discombobulated, confused, non sensical, illogical, crummy and meaningless film editing - go see this movie.

The film editor needs to have his fingernails pulled one by one with a pair of pliers, the script writers need to have their finger broken so that they may not touch a key board for the next three years.

As twisted a story line as this was, the writing and editing served to obscure, confuse and diminish the tension this "thriller" had a potential to be.

Should be a classic in film editing class - HOW NOT TO EDIT A MOVIE.

The reverse Arabic translation of Shakespeare's works in Bulgarian will make more sense than this piece of discontinuous obtuse and ridiculous film. Of course, if you are a Clooney fan, then....go see the porky version. Otherwise, I would stay away. Definitely not worth the 8.00 bucks I paid.

When I read some of the raving reviews this piece of pretentious trash has been given on this site I wonder what movie these "reviewers" saw. All the discussion and emphasis on conservative vs. liberal points of view, hidden agendas and subliminal messages is pointless. It just ain't there. If it is there it is obscured by the crappiest editing job and a script written and edited by dyslexic single digit IQ amateurs. Waste not your money. Just think - instead of wasting your money on this super stinker, you could buy about two and half gallons of gas and drive as far away from any theater playing this crapper.

Gigli (2003)

Worst piece of junk on the silver screen this century.

[1/10 · 2 August 2003]

The summary sez it all. A genuine piece of cinematic trash surpassing anything since this century began.

If this is not Jay Lo's nail in the career coffin, nothing else will disway her followers. I guess there are some in our society that will love her no matter what.

3000 Miles to Graceland (2001)

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

[1/10 · 20 June 2002]

Could have been a fair movie, but the cinematography and editing (tilted camera angles,3 seconds shots and every cheap optical trick diminish any "Could have been a contender". Then - it is about 30 minutes too long. The last big shootout goes on and on and on and on and makes about as much sense as whipped cream topping on raw oysters.

At the end of the movie one has to ask - Where do they teach film editing these days and to whom?

Megiddo: The Omega Code 2 (2001)

Expected more, got very little

[1/10 · 9 November 2001]

I saw it by accident. Was too late for the movie I really wanted to see. If this was an ordinary film it would have closed after the first weekend. The twenty other people in the theater were in one group brought in by a pastor. I guess you got to be born again to ooh and ahh over this sorry piece of cinematography. If you need to be a fervent believer in the sanctity of the plot to appreciate it - it must really be baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. And baaaaaaaaaaaaad it is. Acting, casting, plot, production values - all leave a lot to be desired. One wonders how the producers conned Michael York to be in this. Either he was blackmailed or he must be desperate for money. Sad sad sad addition to his filmography.

If you want to support a religious point - go pay the money and tell your friends that this is a masterpiece. If you want to see a good movie - go see something else.