timmyb_84 Reviews

An Ice Palace Romance (2023 TV Movie)

Masterpiece

[15 December 2023]

This movie wasn't exactly a cinematic masterpiece, but oh, the model of the new ultra-modern building at the architectural firm truly stole the show. The quaint town, in a desperate bid to revamp their cozy downtown, decided to go full dystopian. They commissioned a high-rise that was the epitome of bleak - a gray, windowless monolith that could easily be mistaken for a gigantic parking garage.

The town planners, in their infinite wisdom, decided that the roof of this dreary edifice would be the town's new social hotspot. Because obviously, when you think of lively gatherings, a parking garage rooftop springs to mind.

And then, as if this architectural wonder wasn't already a marvel, the planners added another 10 stories of 'residential space' above. These living quarters were so laughably small, residents could barely fit inside. One might stand there, sandwiched between the walls, staring out into the void, thinking, "Why do I live here? My 'apartment' can't even fit a bed, and I have to limbo dance just to get through the door."

In this movie, the building model wasn't just a structure; it was a bold statement on the absurdity of modern urban planning, a tongue-in-cheek nod to the lengths we go to in the name of progress.

Christmas on Mistletoe Farm (2022)

Unique take on an old classic

[15 December 2022]

As you know from watching the previews, this movie is a re-imagining of the classic movie Some Like It Hot (the one with Marilyn Monroe). Unlike the original, this one took place on a farm rather than a train. And instead of it being really funny it was a mishmash of random, random (I mean random) randomness.

The movie was a little predictable because I expected to have the movie be about boring farm life (the easy going life with animals and such) and so I was not at all surprised to see a village militia attacking investors with cow manure and raw meat.

This movie is expected to win many awards at the Oscars this year, particularly in the category of "how to squeeze every minute out of a 90 minute movie". As you watch it, you constantly assume it's wrapping up, only to find out it's not even half way done! Impressive!

Would I watch it again? That is a good ques... duh, yes I would!

Christmas with a Prince (2018 TV Movie)

Christmas with a Prince ... with a prince!

[3 December 2022]

I saw Christmas With a Prince ... with a prince! Well, it was someone who was once called a prince but now goes by Danathaniel.

While watching the movie with a prince, I kept looking over at the prince during the most emotional scenes and seeing that he was completely stiff and unemotional. And I thought "huh I guess the movie accurately portrays a prince".

In order for me to see this movie with the prince, he had to fly from his home in Zanzibar (where Neuschwanstein Castle was relocated by helicopter) to his royal throne in England, where he stepped on a breadcrumb and broke his fingernail. To receive emergency surgery he had to fly to a remote town in Montana where they specialize in reconstructive fingernail surgery. While he was recuperating, we saw this movie. And I thought "huh I guess this movie accurately portrays the fragility of a prince"

All-in-all this movie very accurately depicted my life and I'm grateful for the large cash donation that the producers gave me for the rights to use my story. All of the money went straight to my recently created Royal Charity where I give money to the most needy or royal families.

The Good Father: The Martin MacNeill Story (2021 TV Movie)

Too Charming

[8 March 2022]

I had binders of evidence for why this movie was terrible, but just as I was about to write it in this review, I realized that it was actually a very charming movie. It was as charming as Martin MacNeill! I am easily charmed by bad movies. 10 out of 10!

If Walls Could Talk (2022)

Perfection, but...

[8 March 2022]

Although this movie was flawless, it did leave me with a few questions:

1. Has the physical therapist found that throwing his body into a parked car is a good way to meet girls?

2. The movie didn't identify who the 2nd mystery person is--you know, the one who just takes pleasure in turning the shower on and off every 5 minutes.

3. The movie didn't identify who the 3rd mystery person is--you know, the girl who tried to pull the mother into the room before the big accident.

4. The movie didn't identify who the 4th mystery person is--you know, the one who is a cartoon animation and committed the most grizzly murder in the movie.

5. Did the family buy a huge, expensive house and then decide to buy a knock-off Sub-Zero refrigerator that doesn't have a functioning door? Seriously, those refrigerators cost $15,000+ and given the age of the house, I venture to guess that that door would be fully functional if they didn't buy the appliance on the black market.

6. What happened to the millions of dollars in lawsuits? I assume that it is going to be the premise of the sequel "If Google Drive Could Talk". The movie said that they were able to sell their $2 million house and repay the losses, but what about the remaining $150 million in losses? Maybe in the sequel the "#1 Dad" trophy makes a cameo appearance to be shattered by the daughter when she is forced to have her wages garnished for life to repay the sins of her father.

7. Why did the neighbor die? She saw too much? What did she see?!?!? The movie decided to allow us to draw our own conclusions, but I'm out of ideas. Perhaps this will be a movie franchise of its own: "If Agnes Could Talk". It could start in the distant past and delve into why she didn't have her best friends invest her money--inside information, perhaps?

8. What was the significance of the owl? Again, perhaps this will be another movie franchise: "If Owls Could Talk" and it can fill in the gaps of why the father associated owls with death. It must be a riveting and harrowing story that had a profound impact on the father's life if it was on his mind every time he signed into his computer.

9. Is it normal for a guy who jumped into your parked car to show up in your 3rd floor office out of the middle of the nowhere unannounced and for there to be no heightened concern for the family's welfare?

10. What is this so-called "work" that the main character is always up to? I assume it is more important than her mother's existence because she is always refusing to allow her mother to leave the murderous stalker for safety because she has "work to do". This truly must be a trove of information that could be its own franchise as well.

11. Why was the movie so long? It could have eliminated the 2 hour "filler" and trimmed it down to no more than a 5 minute short.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Manos: Hands of Love

[20 November 2020]

I've seen people disparage this movie because of the long, tedious, and unnecessary scenes of driving. Or because of the poor acting and random scenes involving two lovers in a car (which contribute nothing to the movie). But everyone is missing the point. This movie is about the character Torgo--the clumsy doorman of the hotel.

Torgo is first introduced early in the movie as a suave and sexy advertisement model. He sells everything sexy from brandy to cologne to unmentionables. He was the heartthrob of a generation in his youth (from ages 18 to 24). Unfortunately, when he went through puberty at age 25, he developed what some doctors term "hoofmitus legeranius" which is characterized as "a person whose legs turn into a horse's hindquarters". His masculine face that beckoned people to "come hither" had transformed into one that said "I'm going to come hither to you! Rawr!" As a result of this radical transformation, Torgo had no choice but to seek council from the local cult. They told him that he must learn the ways of the world--that it is secretly run by a vampire man who keeps women as slaves in an abyss that exists somewhere in a hotel basement somewhere in a desert, which is also located in Indiana. Torgo is skeptical that this is the real world, but he has little choice. So he joins his friend.

Hoping that his once good looks will be able to lure any unsuspecting guests of the hotel, he takes a post as a doorman. He eagerly greets all sorts of guests--those who got lost in the Indiana desert to... those who... well, that's really the only people who are ever able to find the hotel. For some reason, the guests are more repulsed and unsure of where they are when they see Torgo. But no matter, it is Torgo who will make sure that they are welcomed and have a relaxing time in the hotel.

Anyways, as the movie progresses, you realize that maybe Torgo wasn't the primary character of the movie and maybe you missed the point of the movie and are completely confused by what in the heck is even happening.

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker (2019)

A classic end to a traditional beginning

[20 December 2019]

Where do I write my review? Can somebody post my review on the website that says that the Star Wars movie-the one in theatres right now-was ok?

Shopping list -------

• 4 plums
• yogurt
• potato chips (for Henry)
• rotting shark (tee hee)
• anchovies
• 14 pounds of flour
• food coloring

Us. 1 2 4 5 Them 3 6 6 9 11

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

True Nightmare?

[18 December 2014]

I know that if you asked your dentist to describe their biggest nightmare on an airplane, only 1 out of 100 would say something related to crashing, 23 would say forgetting their floss, but the remaining 95 would say being on an airplane overrun by snakes, especially snakes that can slither. I mean *really* slither. You can tell the ones that pretend they can slither, but they are just making a fool of themselves because nobody can slither that poorly, not even a 15 toed sloth.

But if you asked me what my biggest nightmare would be on an airplane, it would be if I were the only person on an international flight that was not completely blind. I mean if you think about it, it would be pretty frightening. All of them would have their seeing eye dog. So if you think about it, there will be about 300 passenger and 300 dogs. And you know how dogs can be when they are around each other--once one of them barks, they all start barking and so you'll be on a plane that just has an insane amount of barking for the full 15 hour ride. And furthermore, planes are not built to accommodate 300 people, let alone 300 dogs that are accompanying them. So where do you think the dogs will be? In the aisles of course ... and stacked on top of each other because the typical blind person has, as their seeing-eye dog, a Saint Bernard. Just think of that movie Beethoven and imagine having 300 of those crazy animals on an airplane with you. There's just not enough room and they will be just crawling all over each other, trying to get comfortable because they are all stacked on top of each other in the aisles. So imagine the flight attendants serving drinks ... it'll just be a nightmare! How do you expect them to get the drink cart down the aisle? There will definitely be some growling dogs. ... And can you imagine if all of those blind people also had vertigo... they would all be in their seat with their canes flailing around looking for the ground without realizing that they are hitting the ceiling instead of the floor. Man, that would be a real mess, and far scarier than having a flight full of harmless plastic snakes. And what about the dogs going to the bathroom? Oh man, that plane would surely smell worse than the Great Poop-off of 1633. Fortunately for anybody who likes swimming, it would be the first in-flight pool, if you're looking for a little exercise... Just don't swallow any of the liquid... I've done that a few times before and if I had to list my top 3 worst experience of my life, it would be 1) waiting for days outside Best Buy for Black Friday and when they opened realizing that I didn't actually want to buy anything, 2) losing in a round of golf to Charles Barkley, and 3) falling off the edge of the Grand Canyon to my death.

Now that I think about it, what if the pilots also had the same condition of vertigo and complete blindness? Actually now that I think about it, it wouldn't be so bad. Since the cockpit is pretty roomy, I think their seeing- eye dogs would probably do the flying. And those dogs are pretty smart...they beat me in chess. They didn't do the Berlin Defense or the Sicilian Defense, but they did eat all of my pieces, which I felt was a little out of my league. I'm still learning chess and haven't learned that maneuver, but will certainly try it when I play next. Anyways, those dogs would probably fly the plane extremely well. But maybe sometimes they would make 32890535239508 emergency landings. You know, just so that they could get out of the plane and smell the next fire hydrant. But then they would immediately get us back in the air.

So that would be my ultimate flying nightmare. That or flying into a black hole.

In summation, stuff AND things, if not neither.

Sharknado (2013 TV Movie)

True story gone off the deep end

[17 December 2014]

When I saw the preview for this, I thought "wow, how can this be a true story!?!?" So before watching the movie, I read up on the latest literature--publications such as "Helicopters and the Fall of the Roman Empire", "How to Use a Fishing Pole for the First Time", "Sharks: How to Speak Sign Language With Them", "The Phantom Tollbooth", and of course "Surviving the Apocalypse: Everything You Need to Know About Feral Cats".

So going into this movie, I felt like I sort of cheated because I knew all of the background and really expected that nothing in the movie would be much of a surprise. But wow, how wrong I was! I had no idea that people still went to the Jersey shore! *mind blown*

Aside from that, I felt like the movie was extremely predictable. I was really glad to see that the movie industry was able to incorporate the rare "balloon shark of south Pasadena", which makes its appearance at the end of the movie when the 100 lb shark consumes the protagonist and instantly balloons up to at least 500,000 lbs and 100 ft long. ... And at that point, I said "wow, the protagonist and I read the same book!" and that book was called "Monarch Butterflies, the Smell of Grass Clippings, Pumpkin Bread, and Why You Never Leave Home Without a Chainsaw".

I truly believe that everyone must see this movie because we don't want humanity to every have to endure this a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or dare I even say ... yes, I will say it, a 5th time! If this becomes required viewing in the public schools, then I will sleep happy at night knowing that I won't have to worry about a shark knocking on the door of my 85th floor apartment in the middle of the night. Fortunately that only happened twice, but at least in those instances, I was able to speak some sign language to the shark to order a few boxes of girl scout cookies.

--Update--

I have nothing more to say.

Marley & Me (2008)

Typical Movie

[28 December 2008]

I read this book without realizing it was being made into a movie. The book was enjoyable--nothing superbly scholarly, but entertaining.

When I saw the trailer for this movie, I thought "oh. my. gosh." It looked horrible. The book was good in that it told of a story of a family evolving with a crazy dog and everything. But then I saw that Owen Wilson was in it, and his tone always made it seem like it was way too emotional. I mean, if you are making a eulogy at a funeral, you would talk like this--not during a part of a movie in which a dog is acting goofy. A lot of the scenes seemed stereotypical to me--a lot of the stuff wasn't in the book and was just really bizarre.

If you like average movies with acting that doesn't really fit the scene, this movie is for you. Otherwise, I'd recommend skipping the movie and reading the book.

Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)

Classic

[13 September 2008]

My mind turns to mush when I write about movies that are simply perfect.

And since this movie was an absolute masterpiece of garbage, my mind is unprecedentedly sharp.

I heard about this movie after watching a Martha Stewart show in which she said to add tomatoes to a stew to make it taste good. But when I opened up my refrigerator and saw that all of my tomatoes were rotten and all green, I thought "eww, maybe I should throw these away..." But then Martha Stewart said "just make sure the tomatoes aren't green, like the movie Fried Green Tomatoes".

So when I heard that, I thought "hmm, so maybe there is a use for 2-year old tomatoes" ... and I quickly went out to rent this movie. To my amazement and utter disgust, I found out that this movie had little-to-nothing to do with my old tomatoes. I took some paper and a pen to write down the recipe, but I seriously didn't get anything out of it.

After the movie finished, I went home and thought "well, maybe the recipe just means that I am supposed to fry the tomato" ... so I went out and bought a deep frier from Bed, Bath, and Beyond for like $50 and put my tomato in there for about 10 minutes ... when it was finished, the skin was all hanging off of it and it smelled like a wet dog. But I figured that it must taste amazing if they made an entire movie based upon it. Needless to say, I was in the hospital for a week.

So overall, this movie is very misleading and I didn't appreciate that. But I give it a 2 for effort.

Jumper (2008)

Predictable and Awkward

[26 February 2008]

I thought that this movie was highly predictable and awkward. I thought that the character relationships were the most awkward thing that I have ever seen. Friends would flip back and forth between liking and hating each other, and it would change on a whim of about a 5 minute period of time.

And the whole premise behind the Paladins is strange. They want to get rid of Jumpers...just because? And the mom abandons her kid just because she has this strange desire to kill Jumpers? I think that the idea of teleportation is an interesting concept in a movie, but this one fails miserably at it.

Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style (1992 TV Movie)

Best Movie in the History of the World

[10 August 2006]

This movie is clearly the best movie in the history of the world. If I had to name my top 10 movies in the history of the world, it would be:

1. Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style 2. Saved By The Bell: The Original 3. Saved By The Bell: Late to Class 4. Saved By The Bell: Knocked Out of the Ring and Landed on my Head 5. Saved By The Bell: The Replacement Bell for the One that Broke 6. Saved By The Bell: Philadelphia Style 7. Saved By The Bell: Screetch Attacks 8. Saved By The Bell: Zach Attacks 9. Saved By The Bell: Screetch Runs into the Bell 10. Saved By The Bell: When Screetch is so Drunk, He has to go to Taco Bell to Cure His Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis Disease.

And if you had to throw in a #11, it would be The Godfater.

Driving Miss Daisy (1989)

Driving Miss Crazy

[9 August 2006]

This movie was Driving Me's Crazy. This movie dragged on longer than any other movie I have ever seen. With the exception of School Daze and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. If I had to rank my least favorite movies of all time, it would be:

1. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 2. School Daze 3. Driving Miss Daisy 4. Lorenzo's Oil 5. Fried Green Tomatoes

And then if I had to rank my top movies of all time, it would have to be:

1. Saved By the Bell -- Hawaiian Style (best movie in the history of the world) 2. Rocky I 3. Rocky II 4. Rocky III 5. Ernest Saves Christmas

On the Line (2001)

Wow...speechless!!

[29 July 2006]

After seeing this movie for the first time, I was left completely speechless. If it weren't for the fact that I had laryngitis, I probably would have still been speechless.

The twists and turns that this movie takes just left me on the edge of the aisle. (I sat on the aisle because the movie was packed with little girls who wanted to see Bill Cosby, but found out that this wasn't his movie...wow, they must have been disappointed due to the fact that Bill Cosby is in the Cosby family, and Lance Bass is in the Bass family...and last I checked, those are two different families, though I could, and probably am not, not incorrect.) But this movie was very gripping from the beginning, all the way to the end of the opening credits. I then had to go to the bathroom for the duration of the movie, but I could imagine it being the greatest movie in the history of the era of journalism meeting cavemen in a sea of rabid tigers.

In terms of the acting, Lance Bass was very antidisestablishmentarianism, if that is a word. If it isn't, I would say that he was good. However, even though I am a huge fan of his, I would say that the good was not the good that you would say to a kid who cleaned up his room. But rather a good that you would say to a kid after he threw away your Mickey Mantle rookie card, in which case your good really meant bad. Thus, Lance Bass was basically a bass player for a bass farming fishery.

In conclusion, this movie ranks up there with the all-time great movies, such as Fried Green Tomatoes, I Married an Axe Murderer, School Daze, and of course Lorenzo's Oil.

If I had to watch this movie again, I would...and I did. I have seen it at least 2 times now.

Phat Girlz (2006)

Synopsis

[29 July 2006]

If Garfield were a dog, and that dog could watch movies. That dog would give this movie a 5 out of 10 for saying that it was EXTREMELY average. It is in fact impossible to be more or less average than this movie. The dog would further state that the acting was superbly and amazingly average. I have seen worse horses imitating robots than I have the girls immitating themselves. On the same hand, I have seen porcupines immitating giraffes better than I have seen these girls immitating toy trains. Or at least toy trains that are going at the speed of light--because they did an incredibly average job at imitating toy trains in and/or of themselves.

But since Garfield doesn't get a vote, we will disregard what he said. I in fact give this movie a 10 out of 10 for the simple fact that the movie made me cry. When I say the girls being phat. I was like...wow, and turned the movie off. I then changed my life completely around. Instead of watching movies all day long, I limited myself to just above 23 hours of watching movies. And instead of yelling at people, I would just bark like a dog at them and get slobber all over my suit. But I figure that in the long run--that is a much better life style than--you know--chasing wild hyenas around my garage with a pez dispenser all day long.

So in conclusion, this movie is the best movie I have ever seen. Period. Period. No...period. There...period. OK. Period.