abarsby Reviews

Mass Effect 3 (2012 Video Game)

{SPACEBAR} gaming gone crazy.

[2/10 · 17 March 2012]

Is there NOTHING that can't be achieved with the single press of a {SPACEBAR} these days ? This is all the Mass Effect series seems to consist of - massive overlong fire-fights, followed (and preceded) by tortuous cut-scenes (I can't press {SPACEBAR} fast enough to fast forward through this drivel).

Followed by wandering around environments to see if you can activate another tortuous cut-scene with any of the dozens of AI wandering around - which in turn begins the the loop all over again ! Why do games publishers always WANT TO MAKE MOVIES - gamers WANT TO PLAY GAMES - preferably ones where every single interaction isn't controlled by the magical {SPACEBAR}.

The Expendables (2010)

Pure unredeemable dog's excrement

[1/10 · 1 September 2010]

I love action movies, but I HATE this movie, it is a real abomination.

An awful script, terrible Direction, wooden acting and rubbish explosions that would shame even Steven 'Straight to DVD' Segal (though this movie missed him, Van Damme, and Carl Weathers)

When I first heard the '12 hardened mercenaries travel to the jungles of Central America' thing, I thought it was going to be a serious action movie, with jungle scenes like those in 'Predator', or even 'Rambo IV', not the half-assed attempted action-comedy that it is.

Stallone's god awful rucked up in the neck toupee, Jet-Li's grating Beijing accent (sounds like a seal), Steve Austin's cretinous goon, Eric Roberts pantomime villainy ! So many reasons to hate this on a character level alone.

What we discover happened to Dolph Lundgren's imaginatively named character; 'Gunnar Hansen' at the end of the movie just beggars belief, and is truly a Plan 9 From Outer Space moment !

The only good thing for me was seeing Sly with Arnie and Bruce - although poor Arnie walks like a 63 year old man crippled with arthritis.

That 28% of IMDb members have voted this as a '10' (the largest by far) is just laughable.

Get Smart (2008)

Terrible, rubbish, awful, waste of time

[1/10 · 20 September 2008]

Steve Carrell continues towards career suicide with ANOTHER awful stinker of a movie.

It's supposed to be a 'comedy', but I didn't laugh once, well, not at Carrell; Dwayne Johnson was charismatic and funny - as always.

Steve Carrell is just the guy who got lucky riding Ricky Gervais' coattails, so you would think he would make the most of his 15 minutes, but no, he is to comedy what Steven Seagal is to action.

I guess it is supposed to be based on that old TV series - that wasn't funny either, so at least it's true to its source material.

Hopefully, now, after another multi-million dollar loss, studios will realise what a one trick pony Carrell is, and stop throwing money at him now after this latest flop.

Borat (2006)

An antedote to the thought police.

[8/10 · 7 November 2006]

Simply put, the reason Borat is funny, is because in this world of P.C. thought police; Borat says, not necessarily what we would like to say, but what we no longer have the option to say should we chose to.

I actually paid to see it at the cinema - the first time I have paid for any movie in nearly 10 years - free speech should be protected, not pirated.

I am sure a lot of the stuff was staged, not even the stupidest person would allow themselves to be shown on screen in a major movie in as bigoted and ignorant, although the Rodeo Scene showed REAL balls ! Abusing the US Anthem is only a short step away from wiping your bum with the flag ! And to do this in The South, he was lucky not to get shot.

Hot Tub Ranking (2005)

Racist Rubbish

[25 October 2005]

5 girls get their faces, boobs, bums and bodies rated by 3 hidden himbos. If the girls place themselves in the same order as the himbos placed them, then they win £500. And then the himbo's themselves strip off and get judged by the girls. Simple huh.

Blimey ! Do they really show this programme on terrestrial TV in 2005 ? Poor Channel 5, it took them 8 years to shake their image as the "Hitler and soft porn channel", and then they go and commission this. It's like some kind of bad trip back to the 1970's and the racial stereotyping of "Mind Your Language", except today of course, they will say the racism is 'ironic'.

The actress who hosts the show; Naoko Mori - whenever a British TV programme requires an 'Oriental of a non specific nationality', the unimaginative Casting Director sends out a call to Miss Mori's agent. And here she is cast here as "Mia" the Japanese 'Mama San' of the 5 girls about to strip off for the viewers (if she is the Madam then it implies that the girls themselves are....well work it out for yourself).

Her entire act is all sexual innuendo and racial stereotyping (just think the "Me love you long time G.I." hooker from 'Full Metal Jacket'), asking the himbo's to "lemember boys it is the girls bleasts you are lanking over" - oh, ho de ho ho ho, didn't Benny Hill also used to pretend to be an oriental and mix up his "r's" and "l's" 40 years ago ? It killed his career, it didn't get him a post-pub TV series on Friday nights.

Naoko Mori shames herself by helping to perpetuate old stereotypes of Oriental women. Whatever next Channel 5 ?, a Pakistani who says "A thousand apologies" ? A Chinaman who says "Ah So" ? A Black man who says "Yassir, me love watermelon" ?

Of course not ! So why is it acceptable to portray oriental women as hookers by proxy, with an inability to pronounce "r's" and "l's".

Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow (I) (2004 Video Game)

Inferior yet beautiful....

[8 February 2005]

Originally, I didn't like the original Splinter Cell, but it kinda grew on me, and it's now one of my favourite games. However, this second instalment fails to live up to the standards set by it's predecessor, despite adding some shiny new features.

When Ubisoft made the original, I don't think they thought it would turn out to be the acclaimed hit that it was, so they farmed out programming duties to a third party software house in China. However, once they realised there was money to made, they took this sequel in-house, and the entire programming effort was done at it's French HQ. And what a great job they did of botching up the efforts of the original Chinese team.

Fisher (again excellently voiced by Hollywood uber baddie Michael Ironside, and ably assisted by Mr Velvet Tonsils; Dennis Haysbert from "24") now has new moves and gadgets to his repertoire, such as:-

A red laser dot for his pistol The ability to whistle and attract guards The "Swat turn" (whilst peeking around a corner) The "half split jump" (replaces the multi-jump of the original to reach high places)

The game also features:- Online Multiplayer (apparently it IS excellent, if you have online capability)

And it must be said, the graphics are the best ever seen on the PS2, absolutely beautiful use of light, water effects, and that foliage ! Wow !

However, the main problem with the game is that it was originally designed to run solely on the more powerful Xbox, and so has had to be "dumbed down" for Sony's red-headed stepchild. Whereas the Xbox could cope with 4 or more NPC's in a room, the PS2 has to make do with two. Whereas on the Xbox, ALL light sources were breakable, on the PS2 they are not. So at many points in the game you are in these huge, yet empty environments with minimal opposition. It's not really bad programming, it's just that this game was designed for Xbox, and it shows.

Sounds easy huh ? However, take away the breakable light sources and it becomes stupidly hard sometimes. Coupled with moronic AI – Sam's Whistle feature; you stand one side of an open doorway and whistle at the NPC standing feet away on the other side – he doesn't hear it ! Stand just inside the doorway, whistle, and he does !! Grrrrrr !!

Where Mr Frenchy has messed up, is by tinkering with elements of the game that were not broken. The Meditkits from the original have been replaced by strategically placed wall mounted "Health Dispensers". These have an accompanying and tiresome animation when you use them, which is extremely annoying in an NPC walks around the corner and shoots you whilst the animation is playing.

Also the randomness of the left analogue stick for the lockpick has been modified so that the "sweet spot" is in the same place each time ! And don't mention the savepoints !! They are SO frequent ! And SO annoying !! The original just had checkpoints, but this time you are invited to save the game at a checkpoint, which results in 4 to 5 confirmation boxes coming up, and then the checkpoint notification STILL comes up and freezes gameplay for 5 seconds ! The game save is only a tiny 91k, but it seems to take much longer.

Also some familiar controller keys have been changed, reload is now longer L2, it is X (the manual doesn't state this !), Triangle now does things that circle used to do and vice versa. Sam doesn't slide down ladders on a circle press, and you have to suffer the tedium of climbing down them.

However, on a positive note, Sam CAN now open doors whilst carrying a body. Hooray !

What about the "story". Hmmmm, Pandora Tomorrow abandons the building interiors of the original, firstly for the jungle, as you track down Sadono the Indonesian rebel with a taste for releasing the smallpox virus. And also you get to travel to Jerusalem and Paris – the mission on TOP of a 200mph Eurostar train will make your fingers sweat ! Especially when Sam has to crawl under the train, and along the side of the carriages !

However, not being given enough info in your briefings often poses a problem, resulting in mission failures and restarts as you attack someone you apparently weren't supposed to. Quite often the game seems to abandon the premise of stealth altogether, forcing you into fire fights with the enemy. As your gun's aiming reticule moves at the pace of Iranian foreign policy you are often only an asthmatic's breath away from a body bag.

If you don't own a Splinter Cell game, then buy the original, at least that one was designed for the PS2, or wait for the third instalment which is due out anytime soon – surely it must be better than this one ?

Resident Evil: Outbreak (2003 Video Game)

Highly polished, graphically beautiful

[1 February 2005]

"Outbreak" is the final Resident Evil instalment to appear on the PS2, released in the Autumn of 2004, and in many ways it is the perfect swansong.

Although far from 'perfect', it carries over all of the main annoyances of the series that show its' PS1 origins – namely the loading times between rooms and passages. Whilst this was necessary in its' original incarnation; due to PS1 technical limitations, it is wholly unacceptable on the PS2.

It is SO frustrating to traverse a room that is 2 or 3 steps in size, to be confronted with another loading screen of 10 seconds. Just to prove it IS possible, in two locations in the game, there are no loading screens, and you go out of one door and instantly go into the next room. And don't mention the cut-scenes ! Beautiful though they are, after they have played, the PS2 has to load the game engine back into memory, and it takes an absolute age !!

The main differences between this and the other episodes of the franchise is that firstly it is divided into seemingly unconnected scenarios. There is also a time limit of sorts, in that you are infected with the T-Virus, it starts of at 0% and constantly rises, the more injured you are, the quicker it rises. Hey, and guess what, you really have a RELOAD weapon button this time, and you can use the left analogue for directional control)

You also have the opportunity to choose from 8 different characters with different abilities. For example Alyssa can pick locks, Cindy has medical skills, Jim can play dead to escape monsters, David can create new weapons from scratch etc etc. Then once the game begins you are accompanied by two other of the characters in order to complete the scenario. These characters can be instructed to follow, wait, help you, give you items, give items to, basic squad control stuff.

The time limit is not the problem you initially think it will be, and you can thankfully, reasonably easily complete the levels with a good percentage left to spare.

The character choices are pointless, the ONLY character you could possibly complete the game with is Yoko – who is the only person who can carry 8 objects – the others carry only 4. Don't EVER pick Jim, when he plays dead, his virus infection rate skyrockets like no nobodies business)

The squad control system can be frustrating, and the NPC's often forget to heal themselves and die even though they have several health packs. They also annoy because they run into a room ahead of you and steal all the best ammo in the room, and then do a runner in a fire-fight, leaving you to fight on your own (some of the zombies now move like a cat with a rocket up its bum, and attack en masse (10 at a time at the end of the 1st level!))

Once a scenario is completed, you are graded and scored depending on countless factors, and then you are awarded points and unlockables. You can trade these points in at the Resident Evil shop for the said unlockables, although 500 points for a picture of an ingame character ? 13,000 points for a costume ? There are also new game modes to unlock too (though you have to purchase them after you have unlocked them)

That aside though, the graphics are truly, amazingly beautiful, PC quality. Just wait until you see "Leechman" (usually known as that ****ing Leechman ****), the protagonist of "The Hive" scenario. A man whose entire upper body is covered with writhing leeches, and without a doubt, the most frustrating monster in Resident Evil history, as he stalks you remorselessly from room to room, giving you no respite whatsoever. And the beautiful animations, fire effects, fully 3d polygonal environments and stunning monsters/zombies, are incredible too.

In almost every way this is easily the best of the entire series, the only drawbacks are loading times between rooms issue that have dogged the series from the beginning, that Capcom seem to think "adds suspense". No it doesn't !! I say 'Almost' the best, because the scenario system doesn't really involve you in an immersive start to finish story like the old games did. And boy is it hard too ! I would never want to play the game though on anything buy EASY level (on Easy, you still have to fight THREE Tyrant battles on the final scenario !), but to many people, that's a pro, not a con.

If you like the series, then you've already bought it, but for anyone else; it's definitely worth a two night rental at your local gamestore.

The Getaway: Black Monday (2004 Video Game)

Games have moved on, this hasn't.

[19 January 2005]

The main selling point of The Getaway series – the photo realistic representation of London – is also it's main weakness. You see, the developers; Team Soho have invested thousands of man hours and huge amounts of Sony's money in creating this digital London, all with the correct shop signs etc etc, and so they are going to try and milk their little cash cow for as long as possible.

You would assume this would not be a problem for us consumers, HOWEVER, Team Soho's beautiful looking and seemingly ingenious cash cow is seriously flawed in that it is based upon a concept that was fresh in 1997 - with the the "Driver" series of games. Things have moved on greatly since then in terms of interactivity in digital metropolises – think GTA San Andreas. It's not now enough to merely be able to drive through a city; you want to be able to interact with it, and be a part of it. In this respect The Getaway series fails utterly miserably.

In this game you soon become aware that you are merely driving through what are effectively a road system bordered by giant billboards with photo realistic shop fronts bitmapped onto them, like a series of tunnels ! The perspective is skewed so that no matter where you are, you can never see the roof of a single building. So immediately you know, that Team Soho can never update their baby to take San Andreas game mechanics because it would have to go and re-photo London's roof tops – which would never be allowed in this current climate of fear. So we are stuck forever, or until people get wise, with them re-releasing the same game over and over.

Black Monday IS almost the same game as the original. Same map, just with different character locations for the plot added. The game now has three main playable characters, each with individual skills; Mitch the gun totting cop, Eddie the boxer; who has some nice combo punch moves, and Sam, a girl with Lara Croft like climbing abilities and a neat line in stealth.

The licensed car models are slightly improved, and they do look fantastic, and once you get used to their over-sensitive controls then they are fun to drive. The motorbikes however, are truly awful. They silently weave and lurch uncontrollably from once accident to the next. The character models also look fantastic, and have real time shadows as they run (or waddle to be precise).

THE most infuriating thing about the original game, and you would have thought it would have been resolved for this game, is that the abilities each character has – especially the ability to jump over fences, would be implemented in "Free Roam Mode". But NO, it is not. The Millennium Wheel is still cut off, the Houses of Parliament are still inaccessible, ditto EVERYTHING of interest is inaccessible because in Free Roam Mode, you CAN'T jump over walls !!!! Eddie – the boxer, can't even punch in Free Roam Mode !!

Free Roam Mode also has new game modes, Black Cab Driver, Chase, and Race, which are unlocked by finding key fobs on the floor in story mode. These enable to you to play Free Roam Mode as different non playable game characters. But all that really means is that you start on the map in a different location. Apparently there are also garages where you can store one vehicle dotted around the map.

As for the actual story mode, it is SO confusing, full of flashbacks and flash forwards, and seems to basically involve how the three main characters come to make enemies of stereotypical Russian arms dealer Viktor and his lock stock of movie cliché sidekicks Yuri and Dimitri. But it is SO SHORT !! I finished it in one sitting. And why is it called "The Getaway" ? The original game had a Getaway driver, but not this game ? They think consumers are stupid, truly they do. Another problem with the story mode is, as in the original, you often have absolutely no idea of what you are supposed to be doing, and countless times you will fail missions because you do not know what you are doing. In one mission where you are chasing a helicopter through the streets, a radio message comes over that says "stop the black Brabus". I had no idea what the heck a "Brabus" was – it is a Mercedes car apparently, so on a road suddenly chock a block with black cars, how could I know what a Brabus looks like ?

So essentially Black Monday, is like a stereotypical supermodel; beautiful to look at, but ultimately shallow and un-involving once you get to know her. Time has moved on, and so having gaming expectations.

Rent, don't buy.

After the Sunset (2004)

A good time passer

[7/10 · 3 January 2005]

A movie with the great Pierce Brosnan can't go wrong really, everything he does, he makes look effortlessly cool.

The story about the diamond heist though, seems secondary to the beautiful locations, and Brett Ratner's obcession with filming Miss Hayek's chest from all conceivable angles (not necessarily a bad thing). Although Hayek is SO botoxed that she can barely move her facial muscles to express any kind of emotion.

Woody Harrelson and Brosnan make a really funny team, and if they make a sequel, I hope it concentrates on their two characters, because they have a great screen chemistry.

Rollerball (2002)

Xmas is a comin', I smell TURKEY.

[1/10 · 22 September 2004]

With all the starving in the World, some coke abusing studio Exec gave the OK to spend 70 million US on THIS travesty ! I assume this person lost their job.

It is just like watching an episode of the TV show Gladiators, all the combatants have stupid names and costumes, and the grand oval Rollerball tracks of the original have been replaced with a tiny, cheap looking hamster run figure eight, littered with jumps, that is barely 25 yards in length !

But what really kills the film is the God awful "Directing".

What was John Mac doing ? The Rollerball games themselves are impossible to follow because he is constantly cutting from close up to close up at a frenetic pace (possibly because none of the actors can actually skate ?) The result is you cannot follow what on earth is going on.

The only good performance in this film is from LL Cool J, and what with him being a black actor, then inevitably, he gets killed, and we are forced to suffer "Keanu-lite"; Chris Klein from there after.

This film really is the pits. I hear that the "Special Edition DVD" is just an empty box.

Fist of Legend (1994)

Jet get's his wings clipped

[21 August 2004]

Poor Billy Chow, always the Bridesmaid, and never the bride.

Being a former full contact World kick boxing champion counts for nought - in Robotrix (1991) he got his 'donkey' whipped by Cat III starlet Amy Yip and Japanese nude model Chikako Aoyama, and in this movie he gets a good whipping from tiny balding midget Jet Li - a man SO wooden that he gives the camera splinters, the Chinese Vin Diesel if you will.

Maybe some of Jet's "Diesel-ness" was due to the English language dubbing ? They bused in a load of drunken voice over "artistes", who seemed to have been intent on giving the actors the most stupid voices imaginable.

My Chinese friend; Karen, just phoned me mid-rant, to tell me she just watched this on TV too, and what a brilliant film it was, and how it is based on an old Chinese legend. I wonder if we watched the same movie ? I wonder if she really watched it at all ?

King Kong (1933)

The story of George W Bush's Presidency...

[21 August 2004]

An amusing parallel taken from BOTH Kong movies.....

George W Bush represents Kong, who steals America (the girl) and goes on the run in Skull Island with the crew of the ship (the World's media) in hot pursuit determined to bring him to justice (except for the guy from Fox of course, who was off sick that day).

"Kong" rampages through his island killing all the "monsters" who get in his way (the war on 'terror') and kills the plastic looking snake (Saddam).

The "crew" captures "Kong" and bring him back to civilisation to be humiliated in public (the Election).

However, "Kong" escapes and goes on the rampage, causing panic once more through New York City (the fake 'terrorist' alerts that are now appearing), only to be brought down by the World Trade Centre (as well he should !)

"It was beauty that killed the beast" - well let's hope so come November.

Flying Tigers (1942)

The draft dodgin' Duke goes to War [again]

[11 August 2004]

It's 1942, welcome to John Wayne's wonderful world of World War II: where the Japanese are "whore eyed Japs" and the Chinese are "laundry loving layabouts".

In real life, of course, everyone knows John Wayne was WW2's most famous draft dodger; the 1940's equivalent of George Bush and Dick Cheney. Just like the gruesome twosome, Wayne acts the big tough soldier, whilst never actually having made the sacrifice of fighting himself.

In fact the fortunes of America and John Wayne seem to be intimately entwined. In 1942 he was handsome, virile, confident and loved by one and all - like America. By the late 1970's, he was a one lunged, crotchety, wheezing, wig wearing anachronism. Had The Duke survived to the present day, then the parallel with the Bush Regime would probably be even more profound.

Anyway, to the film; you could sum it up and say 'John Wayne; good', 'Japanese; evil, bad'. The Japanese do 'bad' things (ie bomb innocent civillians and shoot American pilots) and The Duke flies into town in his white plane and cleans up the whole gosh darn mess..

There's nothing wrong with this film; it's a John Wayne film and it is very much 'of its' time' - xenophobia and racial stereotypes included.

However, everytime The Duke lights a cigarette I cringe, because this is what, in time took his first lung, and ultimately his life.

Post Impact (2004)

Well..er...

[17 July 2004]

I wondered what happened to Dean Cain, well, actually, I didn't, but if I had wondered, then this was probably wasn't the kind of cheapo movie I would have thought he would be acting in. I thought he patrolled the streets of L.A. saving the public from the attentions of Rod Stewart's wayard son; Sean ? (-:

This is the kind of film you would normally associate with the likes of 'Don Swayze', 'Frank Stallone' or 'Chad McQueen' - the kind that has a cheap relative in it for novelty value.

But, for British viewers, there IS a reason to watch, and that is Joanna Taylor getting naked for the first time on film. But then, you can find stills of that on the internet (or so i'm told, because obviously I haven't looked, honest (-: ) and save yourself the rental fee.

Soylent Green (1973)

2022 looks identical to 1973

[7 June 2004]

Like everyone else, I had heard of this film – even Homer Simpson alludes to it in one episode of "The Simpsons", so I sat back and watched expecting something TRULY great.

However, watching, it became obvious that 2022AD looks exactly the same as 1973AD – same cars, same fashions, same haircuts, same music, same slang words. Still, it's `cool and groovy, man' to see Mr Heston wearing blue jeans, sneakers and a neck scarf !!! (yes, that old favourite of the 1970's camp man), and Chuck Connors in his safari suit, dyed blonde hair, 70's peak cap and attempting a kung fu kick.

It was funny to see that 2022's TV's look identical to 1973's TV's too ! And in 2022 it would seem they are still playing mono-colour 2D spacewars video games that they played in 1973 too.

But, I can think of no other film where Heston HEADBUTTS someone and kick them in the goolies ! It was worth seeing for that alone, and for the chance to use the word "goolies" on here (-:

Heston's politics maybe reprehensible to civilised people, but his films, even the ordinary ones, are always fun to watch, as is he, and as is `Soylent Green'.

The PJs (1999–2001)

Genius !

[15 May 2004]

We in the UK seem to come across little gem's like this years after our American friends, what with the show already cancelled in 2001 over there.

They have only recently started putting this on two episodes at a time on C4 in UK at 2am, and next week it sadly disappears from the schedules.

I have to say I love this programme as much as "The Simpson's", it's Eddie Murphy back to his best, as funny as he used to be back in his old standup shows in the 80's.

I only hope they bring this out on DVD, Sadly, they probably won't.

Crowfoot (1995 TV Movie)

Cheese

[11 March 2004]

Donald P Bellisario is the cheese-meister's cheese-meister. One of the 'unholy trinity' consisting of Stephen J. Cannell and Aaron Spelling, However, Bellisario is also prone to moments of genre defining genius such as `Quantum Leap', `Magnum' and `Airwolf'. Alas `Crowfoot' was written on his day off, if it was 'written' at all, it looks like the Director shouted "Action" and they made it up as they went along.

Imagine pitching THIS story to a Studio Exec - `Muscle bound half German, half Navajo with latent shape-shifting and soothsaying powers, teams up with Kooky middle aged Japanese-American woman to find the murderer of a beach babe who appears to him in the form of a ghost and with whom he falls in love'

You can imagine, if your name was not Donald P. Bellisario then the Exec would be frantically stabbing the panic button under his desk and screaming for `SECURITY !'.

Oh, the shape-shifting powers are only talked about and never seen, the future and past visions play no part in the main story. Why do all Native Americans (couldn't they find a genuine Native American actor to play the lead ?) have to have mystical powers ?? Why do Japanese have to be eccentric and also obsessed with `ancestors' ? In fact the only people with ethnic authenticity are the Hawaiian Islander's, and they are reduced to the roles of musical performers for the obese American tourists. Shame on you Hollywood.

There is good cheese, and there is bad cheese. On his day Mr B can produce a fine Televisual Stilton, but on this day he created the kind of cheese that you find between your toes after a 5km run.

A Man Apart (2003)

Awful Awful Awful !

[3 February 2004]

Is Vin Diesel determined to become the new Steve Seagal - the new "Mr Straight To Video" ?

This terrible excuse for a movie, with Vin so wooden that he's home to several thriving colonies of termites, is one cliche after another....Mexican drug king pin with a goatee beard, cop whose wife is killed hellbent on revenge, suspended from the force, has black sidekick (although he DOESN'T die first !), shootouts, exploding vehicles !! Please !! No more !!

There's nothing to recommend this movie, except that if you watch Diesel then you realise that Dolph Lundgren has the comparitive acting range of Kevin Spacey !

Go and rent 'Testicle Surgery IV - The Director's Cut', because that sure is preferable to this movie.

In Hell (2003)

Shawshank....with fists

[8/10 · 1 February 2004]

I imagine that this is how the Producers pitched this idea to the studio anyway (-:

I find myself in the unusual situation of having watched a JCVD movie that is really, really good !! This is easily the best movie he has ever made.

So why is it different from the rest of his tat ?

It's because he does NOT play the usual indestructible, cocky, macho, killing machine that he always plays. He plays a NORMAL guy, who is not a fighter of any kind, who is forced to fight to survive, and even then he is not very good at it. AND it contains a MYSTIC MOTH !

In fact, the first 50 minutes contains no real fighting at all, just acting, and the movie is all the better for it.

And when it does come, there are NO slow motion roundhouse kicks and dizzy somersaults, just plain old brutal prison fist fighting.

This film is set in Russia. JCVD's character is fitted up by a corrupt judge for the rape of his wife, he is sentanced to "life without paroll"

The wilderness hell-hole he is sent to makes Shawshank look like a Sheraton Hotel, with sodomy and murder rife. But for some reason, this Russian prison also has many American prisoners whom JCVD befriends?

He is constantly bullied by the other prisoners and forcibly thrown in 'The Hole' (solitary cell with on-suite open sewer) where his dead wife visits him in the form of a MOTH !!!

Anyway, why spoil the story, you really should rent it out and see for yourselves. It really is excellent !! I wish JC would make more films like this.

King of the World (2000 TV Movie)

Read the book instead

[24 September 2003]

Stupid me, saw this DVD in the bargain bin and thought I had got the Michael Mann/Will Smith film for 4.99 only to get home and find that, well, it wasn't.

Muhammad Ali is one of the greatest figures in modern history. Terence Howard looks nothing like Ali, sounds nothing like Ali, has none of Ali's charisma, does not have his physique, and makes a mockery of the fight scenes. When you pick someone to portray The Greatest, you need someone is all of these things or more otherwise the film is an insult to the Ali legend - and this film is.

It's not Howard's fault, noone could EVER portray Ali, but I feel he didn't even try. The guy who plays Sonny Liston evokes more audience sympathy than Ali, and that's just not on for an Ali film.

My house just got an extra coffee mug coaster.

The Tuxedo (2002)

Comes with optional barge pole

[9 July 2003]

I never thought i'd live to see the day when the great Jackie Chan made a film as truly AWFUL as this !

I've tried to think of something positive to say, but I can't, it really is THAT bad.

We expect many things from a Jackie Chan movie, the incredible fighting, the awesome stunts, the fantastic humour etc, but this film has none of the above.

As for the "fighting", that is risable, and worst of all; Jackie uses WIRES - correction, Jackie uses wires BADLY !

And the "villain" ? He is the worst Brit villain EVER ! A charisma and menace free zone. He is like an extra from a British TV Cop Series, maybe "3rd Drug Dealer from the right" - he is THAT anonymous.

I just can't write about this movie anymore, it's just depressing to have to remember back to it.

All fans of the maestro Jackie Chan, just avoid this film at all costs else you might believe that your hero really does have feet of clay.

100% stinker.

Silent Hill 3 (2003 Video Game)

The best Silent Hill game yet....

[28 May 2003]

Welcome back to Silent Hill - the third 'game' in the series, and second on the Playstation 2.

All those familiar with either of the other two epics will immediately be familiar with this offering. This time however, you take the role of "Heather"; a woman battling to discover who true identity and destiny.

It's rather difficult to discuss the game without spoiling the story, so i'll just briefly other aspects of the game.

Silent Hill - the original on PS1, was a classic, it had everything; the story, the music, the atmosphere, tension, and the sickening creatures.

Silent Hill 2, seemed somewhat rushed, beautiful lifelike FMV's (for a 1st generation PS2 game) , a truly twisted story, but long loading times and poor level design with pathetic monsters.

With Silent Hill 3, the dirctor seems to have learned his lesson and got it right in all aspects. GONE are the hideous loading times between rooms and an updated interface now makes inventory interaction so much easier.

The graphics are incredible, as good as you're ever going to see on a PS2, they are almost of XBox quality.

There is now a massive variation in the types of creature that inhabit the World too, somewhere between 10 and 20 different types.

The music is hauntingly familiar, and the atmosphere created by the sound FX makes the hairs on your arms stand on end sometimes - especially when the static from the radio comes on when a creature is close (brrrrrr)

I'm not really into all this use of FMV for telling a story, so I am glad you can skip through it with the START button, although one nice feature is that if you have a SH2 save game on your memory card then you can interact with some of the FMV's which is a nice feature.

This game definately is not for young children ! Also, not for those of a Christian persuasion, the game is EXTREMELY blasphemous ! (You want to see someone puke up "God" and then another eat the twitching Foetus ?? Well you will in SH3)

Silent Hill 3 is probably overall, the greatest Survival Horror game on the PS2 - therefore on all consoles. It has everything the others in the series had, and yet whilst not genre defining, it certainly ups the ante and makes the rival "Resident Evil" series seem VERY creaky by comparision.

Silent Hill 2 (2001 Video Game)

The poor relation in the series....

[28 May 2003]

Silent Hill 2 was, for its time, a great game.

It was the first Survival Horror game out on the market, and was very much used as an exercise in demonstrating the then new PS2's power.

However, now, with the release of Silent Hill 3, it becomes obvious that SH2 is now very much yesterday's game.

As with Silent Hill 1 on the PS1, the game is set in the town of Silent Hill, an erie mist soaked, deserted town full of dead bodies and strange creatures.

The story revolves around James, a rather strange young man who is drawn to Silent Hill after receiving a letter from his dead wife telling him to meet her there. Believe me, the story gets stranger ! And in the denouement we find out that good old James, the guy the story led us to believe in, actually butchered his wife and is a pretty nasty piece of work ! This really gave me the creeps !!

Aside from the great story, and state of the art (2001) gfx, you will find yourself bugged no end by the loading times between rooms - no matter how small the room, its like the programmers have never heard the word "cache" !

This coupled with an extremely limited number of monsters, and hardly any "Boss" levels at all, with limited puzzle solving, trapsing from one end of a level to another to find a pesky KEY, then it all ends up being pretty tiresome in the end with no replay factor.

A brilliant game for its time, but without the originality of SH1, or the genius that is its sequel Silent Hill 3.

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (2002 Video Game)

Someday, all games will be made this way.

[16 May 2003]

Imagine, a game voiced by a cast of top Hollywood names, a game where you get to play a character voiced by Ray Liotta; one of the coolest actors in the business !

A game where YOU decide what you do, go anywhere, do anything, break any laws you see fit. Pick up a prostitute ? Have sex with her ? Kill her afterwards and take your money back ? OK, it's up to you.

Rob shops, get involved in gang warfare, shoot outs with the Cops, get a job as a pizza delivery boy, just do what the heck you want to, because you CAN.

Ride motorbikes and scooters, fly helicopters, gunships and planes, pilots boats and yachts ?

Drive a HUGE range of four wheeled vehicles which are all 1980's versions of the cars featuring in GTAIII.

And the Radio stations ? 1980's music done to utter perfection ! Two Talk Radio stations populated by all kinds of hilarious American stereotypes (the corrupt politician, the fire and brimstone evangelist, the animal abusing Australian; "Mr Zoo" and many others).

Not to mention the hilarious adverts, and the self proclaimed "Rabble rouser extraordinaire" - Laslow is back with his own rock station.

The music absolutely draws you into the game, bombing down the coastal highway on your Harley, at sunset, with The Cult's "She Sells Sanctuary" blasting, is a real experience.

There is so SO much to do in this game that is nothing to do with the scripted missions, once you turn the game off, you find yourself missing life in Vice City because it really does make you feel like you are interacting in a living, breathing city. It's THAT good !

GTA Vice city, is simply THE GREATEST VIDEO GAMING EXPERIENCE *EVER* MADE.

As Mr. T might say; "I pity the fool who doesn't buy Grand Theft Auto Vice City".

Die Another Day (2002)

Dead on Arrival

[13 May 2003]

I REALLY wanted to like this movie, and in many ways I did, but I cannot disguise my disappointment over what the studios have done to both the character of Bond, and the overall style of the movies themselves.

Bond, the character, is now now nothing more than a parody of himself. Mike Myers effectively ruined the Bond series when his Austin Powers movies made the absurdities of Bond painfully obvious. So now the producers have just chosen to concentrate on allowing Bond to send himself up. He is now just a cartoon character, totally invincible, gifted at EVERYTHING no matter how improbable - a smartar*e amongst smartar*es. He just does the impossible and then cracks a pithy one-liner [YAWN]

What happened to the REAL Bond, the one from Goldfinger who was allowed to show human traits like FEAR and panic (as in the laser scene) This latest Bond is nothing more than the front man for a 2 hour product placement.

Poor Pierce Brosnan, what a waste ! The most charismatic and stylish man to play 007, and they make him stumble from one-liner to one-liner via a series of explosions.

Goldeneye, that was dark and edgy, that really was a return to the days of Connery, but since then they haven't done Brosnan, or the cinema-goers justice at all.

And what about the "baddie" ? Hmmm, some anonymous, floppy fringed British middle-class twit, how scary.

The best thing about this movie IS Halle Berry. Her character makes Bond's look truly ridiculous because she is better than him at EVERYTHING, but without the annoying smugness.

But had to laugh at the girl/girl fight scene at the end. When you see it, you'll just have to laugh out loud, Rosamund Pike in a halter neck wonderbra/bustier, fighting Halle Berry - who rips of her jacket in order to fight in a skin-tight breast revealing vest. Great to watch if you're a guy, but still embarrassing and juvenile.

Bring back the REAL Bond, no more of this tired old punster and his tired old cliches.