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Reviews
Land of the Dead (2005)
Okay, we get it. Zombies & Social Commentary...
Let me just begin by saying, I WAS really excited to see this movie. Not because Zombie flicks are cinematic masterpieces, but because they're usually pretty fun. I get a kick out of the old goofy ones from the 80's. I get a little creeped out by the more well-done ones(original Dawn of the Dead). And I was actually impressed in about every way with the re-make of Dawn. So, when I heard about Land of the Dead, I was expecting, not something great, but something I would more than likely really enjoy. Well, guess the joke was on me! This movie was terrible in about every way imaginable. The first thing I noticed was the ever present and unavoidable "Social commentary". Oohhhhh, how clever. Just enough so that skateboarding teenagers can pretend to be intellectuals by mentioning the raging social commentary in this "totally hardcore zombie movie, dude!" Give me a damn break. Okay Romero, it was pretty cool the first time you did it. Learn some new tricks. Aside from the ridiculous social comparisons, there were a few other things that ultimately crapped this film up. The characters were unlikable and boring. Not once did I root for anyone in this movie. Everyone was presented so one-dimensional, I just didn't care. You've got the noble leader who protects his nameless crew. The obligatory hot girl love interest. The evil capitalist pig villain(very original). And the bad to bone ethnic guy who will do anything to get ahead. Great...(yawn). Oh, and then my personal favorite. The zombies. Good grief...these zombies were probably the worst representation of zombies on film. No longer do we have the fierce, bloodthirsty mob of undead. We get zombies that have learned to rebuild their lives, care for one another, and demonstrate team-work. Look, I'm usually all for different takes to make things more interesting, but it just didn't work here. Call me old fashioned, but I like my zombies to act like zombies. They just weren't scary at all. But I guess that wasn't the point. Now that we've established that this movie was more of a vessel to deliver convoluted social commentary than an actual zombie movie, I guess it makes sense. Alright, I'm done ranting. Long story short, if you're the type of person who flips out about anything Romero, you might like this. Me, I couldn't care less about the name. It was poorly acted, scripted, and thought out. Just bad in every way. Even for a zombie movie.
The Death of Batman (2003)
Complete Trash
Anyone who's seen any of these Batman fan-films knows they're dime-a-dozen. Every one of these directors has their own take on the Dark Knight. Everyone's gotta add their own little twist, evidently. That's great, I understand the concept of adding a little to an already well-known franchise to make it your own. This director decided that killing off Batman wasn't flashy enough, so he adds anal rape! Sounds great, huh?
Apparently some whiny criminal, who enjoys blaming everyone else in existence for his problems, captures Batman with the ole taser to the peepee trick. I guess years of training couldn't possibly prepare Batman for a slow-moving junkie with a taser. And really, why would Batman even bother to protect himself in that area?! Once chained up, the criminal is kind enough to share his drugs and some man-lovin' with Batman. See that's the part where the crook gives Batman a taste of the hard life that he endured because of Batman. Because we all know that once you go to jail, you are immediately hooked on drugs and have sex with men. And it's always Batman's fault. I guess the director figures anyone who goes through injustice is entitled to act like a raging lunatic.
Yada yada yada, a bunch of pointless & poorly delivered speeches happen, the criminal does everyone a favor and blows his brains out, and Batman uncharacteristically kills himself because the director thinks this is a brilliant plot twist. Then you see Batman lying in a coffin in full costume. It's hilarious.
In short, the director probably never bothered to research anything about the character. He probably found a second hand Batman suit laying around, and thought he'd show everyone his awful take on Batman. This may sound harsh, but this film is really that bad. Aside from the absurd plot, the acting is embarrassing to watch. Every line, especially from the criminal sounds forced. If you walk away from this crap feeling anything other than disgust, you have issues. No amount of BS film student excuses can save this film. It's just poor taste in every form imaginable.
The director's message in this film seems to be: "If your life is difficult, you should blame others and take drugs. It will be justified."
Last Resort (1994)
Absolutely horrible
Look, i'm a fan of stupid movies. Troll 2 for example, I thought was hilarious. But this movie was beyond garbage. There was absolutely no plot at all, NOTHING in this film makes sense, and nothing that ever happens can even be remotely considered funny. the only way this film could be considered comedic is how you'd be laughing your ass off when you gave this movie to someone you hated for Christmas or something. I'm not kidding, it's terrible in every aspect. I'd really like to know what was wrong with the retards that made this thing. Did you just wake up and decide you'd like to give the world a reason to hate you? I can't imagine anyone really liking this movie, except for a few really unpopular mental patients.