chris.murray3 Reviews

Cannibal Ferox (1981)

Guests for dinner

[28 March 2002]

Oh joy, a third rate rip off of Cannibal Holocaust. This is horribly acted, the scenes set in the United States have to be seen to be believed, and badly paced. The mid-section of the film seems to consist of the whites mooching around until the cannibals return. All this with some real life animal cruelty thrown in as well. Why, Mr Lenzi, you are spoiling us. There is no point buying the UK video release as the distributors, pre-empting the BBFC (British Board of Film Classification), have chopped out all the extreme scenes leaving little point in watching what's left. This film used to promote itself as being banned in 31 countries and, having viewed the uncut version, I can tell the good people of those countries that they ain't missing much.

Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible (2001)

Sapphic vampirism - the love that dare not spell its name

[11 February 2002]

I am somewhat bemused by the relatively luke warm reaction that this sublime series has received. Yes it is all nonsense but that is the idea. The most common, and most ill informed, criticism is that it is merely parodying old Hammer films. This is true of the first story "Vampire Lovers of Lesbian Lust". As the title unsubtley suggests it is a pastiche on those latter day, early seventies Hammer films, such as The Vampire Lovers and Lust for a Vampire, which mixed vampirism with lesbianism, and briefly stayed Hammer's commercial decline. Other installments have found other targets. And Now the Fearing, the best episode, brilliant takes the mickey out of those sixties/seventies Portmanteau films made by British horror studio Amicus (a series that included Doctor Terror's House of Horror). Scream Satan Scream is a spoof of witchhunting, non Hammer films such as The Witchfinder General and The Mark of the Devil. Hand of Tongs takes its starting point from the Fu Manchu stories though it does share many plot similarities with the 1977 Doctor Who story The Talons of Weng-Chiang. Rather than disguising its roots the series does give nods to its influences. The linking story in And Now the Fearing is set in an office complex known as Amicus House. Scream Satan Scream features a dwarf named Tigon, that being the name of the production company responsible for The Witchfinder General. The opening shot of Hand of Tongs shows a sign reading Talon Street E.14. The Talons of Weng-Chiang featured in Doctor Who's classic fourteenth season. Doctor Terrible was without doubt a televisual highlight from 2001. If you disagree with me all I can say is - "You, Sir, are a big crab!

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Where did you get those peepers? (Spoilers)

[30 October 2001]

Borrowing riffs from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Aliens, Duel, The Twilight Zone and most notably The Hitcher, it's unsurprising that this film has garnered so much attention. (Over 260 IMDB comments already!) As with Blair Witch red hot word of mouth raised the expectations of later viewers, whom were somewhat disappointed to find that it did not live up to the hype.

In the early stages it does show great promise, and we do seem to be on the road to something special. Something to rival Chainsaw Massacre even. It's the second half of the film, which is basically The Hitcher with a rubber demon borrowed from Buffy, when the film badly loses its way.

If this had a 'less is more' second half to match its first, it would have been a classic horror film. Had it been a lot shorter, with a heavily truncated second half, that got to the punchline a lot more quickly, then it would have been the greatest Twilight Zone ever. It is still enjoyable hokum however, and the end punchline is good.

Got to go now - "Be Eatin'You" (Don't worry, that's not the end punchline).

Slade in Flame (1975)

"Mumble mumble(indecipherable)going for a piss" - D.Powell

[23 October 2001]

The backdrop to this film was so bleak and gritty that one would not have been surprised to have spotted Jack Carter (in his black raincoat) passing by in the background.

With Alan Lake, Tom Conti and Johnny Shannon there to do the real acting, despite the serious nature of the film, Slade's thespian talents were little more important than the Beatles's were in Hard Days Night or the Monkees in Head. Despite that, Noddy Holder and Jimmy Lea (who were the brains behind Slade anyway i.e. they wrote all the songs) both aquit themselves extremely well; successfully creating credible, interesting and well rounded characters. Dave Hill simply played himself (not that that was a problem, as he was, to all intents and purposes, cast as himself anyway). I defy anyone to decipher a complete sentence mumbled by drummer Don Powell, but that oddly adds to his character's charm.

This successful hybrid between Get Carter and Stardust is truly a lost gem, that, despite it's rediscovery and favourable reassessment in the 90's, has still not received the popular recognition it deserves.

Who knows, if this had been a major success (as opposed to a major flop) on it's initial release, would it have been that long before we saw The Sweet doing a bullion job in The Sweeny?

Jurassic Park (1993)

Horribly obvious (MAJOR SPOILERS ALERT)

[7 October 2001]

It would be churlish to criticise this film without first taking time to complement it on some superb set pieces e.g. the T.Rex attack.

The film's major failing, besides one dimensional characters, is that it is just so bloody obvious who is going to survive, and who will be eaten.

Survivors = Square-jawed hero, his heroic girlfriend, the hip American Professor, and the two cute kids. Those who die horribly = the fat guy, the black guy, the English guy, and the greasy lawyer. Quelle surprise.

On a point of order, Richard Attenborough's "Wee flea circus" monologue isn't quite in the same league as Robert Shaw's "SS Indianapolis" monologue from Spielberg's almost faultless Jaws

The Evil Dead (1981)

Nothing to get cut up about.

[7 October 2001]

The story goes, that when this film was first submitted to the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) it was viewed by James Ferman (BBFC president and overlord of British censorship from 1975-1998) and two other adjudicators from that organisation (one male and one female). Ferman and his male colleague, taking this film in the spirit it was intended, found the whole film absolutely hilarious, while the female found it wholly distasteful. Unsurprisingly, given the film's previous track record in the UK, which I'll come to in a moment, it was her view that won out and, under the Video Recordings Act of 1984 (which meant that all video releases had to be certificated) it was cut by over two minutes for an 18 certificate. This may not sound much but did make a big difference.

The original UK video version of the film, released in 1983 when British videos were unregulated, had been precut by it's distributors by one minute. The reason for this was that they were fearful of falling foul of the vague and inconsistant, yet highly draconian, Obscene Publications Act. Despite the sixty seconds of cuts this first version was indeed prosecuted by the Director of Public Prosecutions, under the aforementioned act, on more than one occasion, but never successfully.

In these more liberal times, March this year saw, for the first time ever in the UK, the COMPLETELY UNCUT version of "The Evil Dead" released onto video. Ironically this version is LESS shocking than either cut version. To put it simply, someone being whacked with an axe twice is shocking, yet three or more times is funny! Now that the uncut version has finally been released,it means that for the first time British viewers can enjoy the film as what it's meant to be - a preposterously over the top slapstick comedy. Albeit one with very eery opening scenes.

So come on England, throw away those cut versions, and get on the Sam Raimi rollercoaster for a ride you'll never forget!

Son of God (2001– )

Heavens Above Again

[26 June 2001]

On a point of order, a few years back the BBC made an excellent three part series investigating the origins and evolution of Satan, which looked dispassionately at how myth was piled on myth until we arrived at the conceptions of the devil that we have today. Although Jesus was (probably) a true historical figure (unlike the horned one) would it not be a good idea for the BBC to make a similar programme dedicated to him? It would certainly open many peoples eyes and provide a valuable insight to the mythmaking process. By the way, during his ramblings, the first person to comment on "The Son of God" means Quirinius when he says Quinnas.

Smile (1975)

Say cheese

[9/10 · 4 June 2001]

As with all the great episodic ensemble films (If..., Fame, Nashville, M*A*S*H)it's the little touches that makes this film quite so deliriously wonderful e.g.: The wide-eyed girl's nervousness of the orchestra; the cop's recapture of Little Bob's two accomplices; Maria's expression as the winners of the pageant are being announced; "...and that girl had a wooden foot"; and so on.

All of the cast are uniformly excellent, not one of them, major or minor, misses a beat.

This is one film that invites repeated viewings, until it almost feels like an old friend. I think that we should start a campaign to get this film the recognition it deserves.

Braveheart (1995)

Let he whose country is without sin cast the first stone.

[1/10 · 30 May 2001]

I think that to even things up Hollywood should finance a motion picture in which Sean Connery, playing an Aborigine, leads his people in an uprising against their white Australian oppressors! If nothing else it would give Mel"Patriot" Gibson an overdue taste of his own medicine. Now if you will kindly excuse me, being English, I have some evil to go and do.

Family Life (1971)

Such is Life

[24 May 2001]

Ironically this film comes across as being considerably more true to life than the numerous "docusoaps" that currently clog up the schedules on British television. Watching Family Life is as close as one can get to feeling like an actual fly on the wall. Sandy Ratcliffe is heartbreaking as the young dazed and confused schizophrenic girl, whose condition deteriorates thanks to her domineering parents. Bill Dean and Grace Cave are all too believable as the aforementioned mother and father, and are true screen monsters. Despite never believing that they are in the wrong, neither of the "oh so reasonable" parents are able to see beyond the end of their noses.

This film does have some touching moments but, alas, the ending is not a happy one. Which is especially a shame as the film does occasionally allow a faint glimmer of hope shine through.

Son of God (2001– )

Heavens Above

[22 May 2001]

If you like dubious conclusions based on largely irrelevant facts, well, this is the show for you. If I claimed that the messiah had been born in Leeds, and a star guided wise men from France, who brought him gold, frog's legs and snails, and left conflicting information over the date so it could have happened at any point in the nineties, in two thousand years time would anyone give me the credence that this show did to the writer of Matthew? If not why not? In 1997 the halle bop comet was visible over France and the UK, so that's the star sorted out. Plus in France frog's leg and snails are a popular delicacy so that's more "evidence" that there is something to my story.

Easy this myth making lark isn't it. The writer of Matthew associated frankincense and myrrh with the east, as I do frog leg's and snails with France. Thanks to he and the writer of Luke contradicting each other over the year of the birth (in Matthew its during the reign of Herod who died 4 B.C. in Luke, Quinnas is in an office he did not hold until 6 A.D) the Christians have got a ten year period to play with when trying to discover a "star" i.e. any celestial event that could be witnessed from the middle east, which by definition involves some sort of light in the sky. It would have been more surprising if the Christians had failed to find something to pass off as the star of Bethlehem. Why is this programmed giving any credence to the story of the wise men anyway. They are only mentioned by the writer of Matthew (they're not part of Luke's nativity, his featured the shepherds that Matthew forgets to mention)and they play a part in an event that was patently invented - the slaughter of the innocents.Which Luke, and secular sources, most notable Josephus's unfavourable biography, which outlines Herod's many actual crimes, make NO mention of. Of course the child in danger is a popular part of many religious stories so the writer of Matthew obviously didn't want Jesus to be left out. Who know though, maybe Matthew was more observant than the other gospel writers and all contemporary secular sources. I mean if it was not for Matthew's gospel we would no nothing of several deceased people rising from the dead, in the aftermath of Jesus's death, and strolling down into Jerusalem. Check your bible if you don't believe me. This programme could, and should, have been an impassive look at how the historical Jesus was sadly buried under a mound of myths and legends. Instead it is this years Walking with Dinosaurs. A chance for the BBC to show off it's new technology and enjoy a healthy return through overseas sales.

Nightmare (1981)

Stalk and slash (then slash a lot more)

[19 May 2001]

Now that the British censors are taking a more liberal approach to the old "video nasty" titles i.e. recently releasing films banned for years either uncut/slightly cut, it will be interesting to see if this film surfaces again. If it does I hope slips out uncut as its excessive gore, most notably in the climactic "of with her head" sequence, is all it really has going for it. Violence aside this film is rather like a TV movie. One could almost get the impression that the psycho has inadvertantly gatecrashed a film about a disfunctional family and their problem son. That is of course until the shock relevation at the end which, though hinted at earlier, so it doesn't quite come totally out of the blue, creates a whole slew of loose ends for you to consider as the credits role.

The Thing (1982)

Some points of interest ****(spoilers alert)****

[12 May 2001]

1) Apart from the female contestants, in whatever cheesy gameshow Palmer is watching on the video, there are NO women at all in this film.

2) It is clearly stated that only Doctor Copper and Garry could have sabotaged the blood stored in the freezer unit (thereby scuppering a test that could have potentially exposed which of the men was a thing). There were no marks on the lock and the aforementioned men were the only ones with access to the freezer unit's key. Hence both men are treated with considerable suspicion. Yet it turns out that neither man was actually a thing, which leaves a loose end that is never tied up.

3)It appears that Palmer and Norris had been replaced by things before it is realised that a thing can absorb someone and take their form. If this is the case why does Norris turn down the chance to replace Garry as the leader when Garry nominates him? Surely from the things' point of view that was an opportunity missed. It also means that when Palmer speaks the classic "You have got to be f***ing kidding me" line, after Norris's head has disatatched itself and sprouted spider legs, it is actually a thing in disguise giving that very human reaction, and speaking for a generation of eighties horror fans.

4)Garry does not come across as being an overly liberal base commander. Yet he allows Palmer (whilst still human) to smoke dubious substances in his presence.

The Family Way (1966)

There's nowt as queer as folk

[16 December 2000]

A late entry to the British kitchen sink cycle, which suggests that if there was one thing that the upstanding, chapel going, gossipping classes disapproved of more than sex before marriage, then it was failing to fulfill one's conjugal duties afterwards. Which is unfortunate for a willing, but unable, Hywell Bennett and his virginal bride, portrayed by a divine Hayley Mills. Bennett is good, and Mills is suitably wide eyed and adorable, which in fairness is all the script really asks of her, but the film belongs to the senior cast members. John Mills, ironically portraying his real life daughter's father-in-law, succeeds in being comical and pathetic yet immensely noble, and Marjorie Rhodes is equally compelling as his wife, who loves, yet at times, quietly loathes him. The Family Way is a touching and amusing look at the social mores of Northern England circa the mid-sixties, and a chance to see Hayley Mills' bare bottom!

Hell Drivers (1957)

This Sporting Life with lorries!

[16 December 2000]

Stanley Baker plays the lead in this tough tale concerning a cheapjack haulage firm pushing its drivers to recklessly break the speed limits on the winding English country roads. Baker is excellent, but the big selling point of this film is its once in a lifetime supporting cast which features Sean Connery, Sid James, Patrick McGoohan, William Hartnell, Herbert Lom, Gordon Jackson, David McCallum and Alfie Bass. Which other film allows one to observe Sid James and Sean Connery playing table football together, or Doctor Who and the Prisoner setting off in a ramshackle truck with villainous intentions? A neglected fifties classic, second only to This Sporting Life in its portrayal of brutish British masculinity and male bonding.