KryptonIsMyEvilFriend Reviews

The Final Sacrifice (1990 Video)

A Comedy Classic!

[14 July 2003]

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD. I absolutely love this movie! I think it would be funny even without the comments of the Mystery Science Theater characters. I have a thing for incredibly low-budget movies that tried to do the best they could with the meager resources they could muster. It appears that the director had no money, but really wanted to make an adventure movie, like Ed Wood. It looks as though the director borrowed his sets from from art class projects of a local middle school. The movie composer is a genuine sadist, as he tried to nauseate the viewer with simple, monotonous beats with his attempt at a suspenseful musical score. The actors look as though they were picked either from the street or from the local town theater (I did like the way the villain rolled his eyes, so he must have had some experience with acting!). I also got the impression that the director, having no budget, decided to film in the woods only a few miles from his home. I wonder how he managed to pay the actors' salaries and the fee for camera use?

What results is a masterwork of Ed-Woodsian proportions. The "hero" is a bloated fat guy who is so full of cheap ale that he is danger of spontaneously combusting. His companion is a twig boy, who looks like the spawn of Crispin Glover and Dick York. The cult that follows them are equally as corpulent as the hero, and look like laid-off nightclub bouncers. The villain also gives out some creepy Crispin Glover vibes, and it is he who bursts into flames at the end (that's what you get with a bear hug from alcohol-soaked Rowsdower!). Ah, but my favorite character was the helpful archaeologist who helped our duo out. Now, I know what you're thinking: how could such a grizzled old mountain man, who feeds on squirrels and pine cones, be part of a great archaeological expedition? Hell, anything's possible. He could easily teach at a university without anyone being suspicious: he's certainly got the thick beard, tangled hair, and worn-out clothes thing going for him.

I love it! The robot's haunting refrain to the musical score made it even better: "Rows-dower saves us, and saves all the world!" Watch it!

The Mission (1986)

I Used to Love this Movie, but....

[14 July 2003]

SOME SPOILERS AHEAD! I am a history buff, and I honestly admit that I do enjoy movies which are set in the past, and where the director makes use of strong characterization to examine the events of a specific time period critically. I made the mistake, however, of thinking that this was a thorough indictment of European colonialism. It is not; rather, it is an expression of praise for one aspect of colonialism over another.

A history professor of mine commented on this movie during a speech on the how Spanish missionaries helped to erode Indian cultures during the Mexican colonial period. The Jesuit missionaries in this movie are portrayed as benevolent men who whatever they can to protect and improve the lives of their converts. Although I know nothing of the Jesuit missions of Paraguay and Brazil during the mid-eighteenth century, I do know, based on what I've read about the California missions, that there was a dark side to missionization. This side is left out of Joffe's film. The Mission does not show any neophytes being whipped for attempting to flee the mission settlement, or any epidemics of illnesses amongst the Indians brought by European colonization, which Catholic missionaries (I'm unsure of which order) viewed from a fatalistic standpoint as somehow being the will of God. Any traumatic change in lifestyle or abandonment of culture that a neophyte would have to undergo during the missionization process is ignored. The movie, rather than provide a balanced perspective on colonization, serves to buttress a historical fallacy that Catholic missionaries did no wrong to the Indians, and that it was only the upper clergy and greedy settlers who were the true villains. The depiction of the brutality of secular colonization, as well as the stunning locations and an extremely well done musical score probably helped this movie to win a Golden Palm. I recommend this movie for those who enjoy tragic endings and want to view a sample of the troubles brought by colonialism (not to mention a sample of the screenplay writer's agenda). Do not be fooled into thinking that this movie tells the whole story!

Cero en conducta (1998–2003)

Joyous Jaunt Through Mexican Elementary School

[6 July 2003]

Jorge Ortiz de Pinedo provides a painfully humourous interpretation of a child, Jorguito. Jorguito's antics truly capture the rebellion of childhood in strict Mexican schools. Everytime Jorguito receives a hit from the teacher's stick, I receive a hit from the stick of life. Growing up isn't easy and "Cero en Conducta" brings me back to my youth and rambunctious ways. The female characters, as sensual and curvacious as they may be, are able to overcome the power of their bodies with their humour. All of us can safely say at one time or another we have gotten a "cero en conducta". I highly recommend this show to people who want to lay back, remember their childhood, see some hot babes, know Spanish, and love laughing. Watch it!

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Do the Freddy!

[3 January 2003]

All right, I confess! This has to have been one of the funniest movies that I've ever seen! Now, that isn't saying that Tom Green is a genius; in fact, it is the sheer stupidity and audacity of this film that allows it to click for me. I don't usually watch comedies to think deeply about the problems of the human existence (unless, of course, it's an exceptionally well-crafted mix of drama and comedy, such as the Michael Moore documentaries or Kubirck's "Dr. Strangelove"). My maxim is this: if it makes me laugh, it's good enough for me. The movie doesn't even require a decent plot or even decent actors. It helps to be weird, sick, twisted, and, nonsensical. Sheer anarchy reigns in "Freddy." The movie essentially takes the "loser seeking to fulfil his dreams" plot and twists and contorts those cliches to grotesque levels that the lame Saturday Night Live movies could never in their wildest dreams hope to accomplish. Even "Amelia Bedelia"-type puns are toyed with. For example, when the cartoon producer advises Green to "get inside [his] animals", who would have expected that Green would not only get inside of a deer skin, but would have the audacity to take out a bowie knife and skin a stinking hunk of roadkill, with its guts making a sqeauling noise as they spill onto the road, all to the tune of some corny Coca-Cola ad? Yes, this is not funny, you all may say, it's sick! but I think its Greens willingness to cause the audience to wretch that's funny, rather than the sick pun itself. The beyond-belief stupidity also adds to the movie. That Gord's girlfriend's favorite hobbies include constructing rocket powered wheelchairs and flipping coffee creamers is too weird not to at least be snickered at. I must say, the romance between Gord and his girlfriend clicks: they're both equally crass, moronic, and surreal. Hell, it's far more believable than the wooden romance between Darth Vader and his geisha girlfriend in that new "Star Wars" movie. The strange, unbelievable plot turn at the end is also so poorly-conceived, that it's funny. I'm still baffled that all throughout the movie idiocy reigned supreme, yet Green makes an obscure geography reference to the Thar Desert, which is on the India-Pakistan border. This geography reference would probably be rather obscure to most people. Hey, there's a reason to recommend "Freddy:" learn South Asian geography! I suppose part of the reason people despised "Freddy" was the fact that Gord, the protagonist, was a selfish, despiciable personage, always willing to do harm to his family and friends to get what he wanted. In many of the other so-called "potty humor" films, the characters get into gross situations, but they always mean well and have kind hearts; there's none of that with Gord. He only cares for himself, and is willing to destroy the good name of his father and straight-laced brother to get what he most desires. Gordon Brody is definitely the devil-child that Chris Farley and Adam Sandler are not in their movies. Still, I think that Green's evil anti-hero is a breathe of fresh air to the good-guy personas we often see in these movies. This movie is no classic, but it may someday achieve some sort of cult status amongst Green fanatics and people who like totally weird movies. "Freddy" may have lost the battle with the critics, but it may end up winning the war with a following of "Green-iacs."

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

ONE OF THE GREATEST CINEMATIC ACHIEVEMENTS

[10/10 · 19 December 2002]

I skipped school to see this movie, and it was worth the grounding I got from my parents. If you haven't seen it yet, get out of that chair and run to the nearest open movie theatre and go watch this work that must have been made with lots of love. GO NOW!!!!

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Totally AWESOME!!!!!

[8/10 · 17 May 2002]

Lucas has redeemed himself. After the heap of rubbish we know as Phantom Menace, he again recaptures some of the magic that made us all love the first trilogy. Ep. I was more setup than action, but Attack of the Clones is an action movie. The romance was a bit boring, but it needed to be in their for explanation. When the action comes on the scene all memory of the slow romance is forgotten. Most of the acting is average (except Ewan McGregor who deserves some sort of accolade) and the story moved along smoothly. Yoda is the hero of the movie. I will forever remember that dual. It is the sweetest scene. AOTC was sweet. AOTC entertained. AOTC had Ewan McGregor tied up and wet.

Overall 8/10

The Scorpion King (2002)

Perhaps the best comedy in the new millennium!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[25 April 2002]

I went into the Scorpion King hoping to be mildly entertained. Little did I know that I would be experiencing one of the finest pieces of comedic cinema ever to grace the screen. Yes, the Scorpion King is not just a movie, but an EXPERIENCE.

Dwayne 'the Rock' Johnson gives a physical comedic performance that could only be matched by Charlie Chaplin. Mr. Johnson can make constipated faces like no one else. Every vein bulges out of his tree trunk thick neck. His teeth grind together so hard sparks almost fly. His eyes squint in agony. The best examples of this in the movie is when he gets shot in the calf by an arrow tainted with scorpion's poison and when he gets shot in the back with an arrow while saving Kelly Hu. "We can get the poison out, but the blood of the scorpion will always flow in his veins."

The Scorpion King also has fabulous editing. Every slow motion shot has perfect timing. Whoever cut this movie deserves some sort of accolade.

The movie also has great writing. -"You should be glad we share the same mother." -"Are you ready to stand alone and face the fury of his armies?" "Yes." And every line that was molded for the scruffy, rag-tag sidekick. In what other place could you find a movie with a sorceress who loses her powers because she has sex? (Thanks to the writers for not putting in a gratuitous sex scene showing the Rock. I might have been scarred for life.)

Overall this movie should be watched by those who enjoy only the best of comedic cinema. Not seeing it would be a great folly.

****/****

And You Thought Your Parents Were Weird (1991)

Scared me as a child.

[25 April 2002]

This is a wonderful heartfelt movie. All the children as well as Alan Thick gave super performances. Definitely something you could watch with the whole family. If you liked the Not Quite Human series I'd recommend this.

Rushmore (1998)

Hypnotic

[10/10 · 30 January 2001]

This one of the best movies ever. I can't explain why. Everything seems to fall into place to create this feeling of comfort. It seemed like everything was perfectly calculated. Max Fischer is a character many people can relate to. The actors did an excellent job, especially Jason Schwartzman. I couldn't see anyone else as Max. The writing was also wonderful. The music fit right into where it needed to go. The soundtrack was superb. This will become a classic movie.

It's Pat: The Movie (1994)

Best Movie Relating to a character named Pat

[15 September 2000]

This is the best movie with a character named Pat. It's Pat has it all: romance, action, lust, mystery, suspence, acting, and comedy. This movie made me know who Ween is. Someone could ask me who Ween is, and I would say "Ween? Is this relating to wiener?" The person would reply with a hearty chuckle, while mocking me as if I were a raffish bum.

The best scene in the movie was when Pat was at the Ween concert. I thought the shining star in this movie wasn't Julia Sweeny, but Ween, bringing much comic relief, like the charity sharing the same name (Bob Zmuda). All seasoned thespians like a certain Newman, who have the tangy wit of a Shakespearian comedy, study It's Pat in college. It's Pat is Shakespeare at its finest. Having laughs like a Midsummer's Night Dream.

It's Pat is Baby Geniuses compared to Citizen Kane.

Have you ever seen a Jasper Johns painting? Well, I haven't. Basically his art involves nailing a broom to a piece of canvas and splattering it with the ugliest shade of gray paint that the human eyes can bear. It's Pat is like good ol' Jasper's art; it's all a matter of perspective. Either you hate it or you love it. You might love its abstractness, or you may just ask yourself, "What the hootanannie is this %^%^?! People who like this movie must inhale whip-its!" Club kids all agree It's Pat is a feel good movie that has no side effects.

Saturday Night Live (1975– )

Try harder!

[29 July 2000]

My goodness, what is wrong with this T.V. show, one that once brought so much mirth and laughter to my life! For people with insomnia, this should do the trick. Nothing is funny about this T.V. show, nothing!

Here's my advice: do a complete and major overhall, much like Kresge did with K-Mart; you know: new writers, new cast, new EVERYTHING. I feel this T.V. will experience another burst of belly laughs in the near future....IF this is done.

American Beauty (1999)

Best Movie of the decade!

[9/10 · 26 July 2000]

When I saw this movie,I thought "Wow! This is one of Hollywood's best dips into realism!" I loved the grim reality in the novels Crime and Punishment and Madame Bovary, and this movie really hit the spot! The mother in the movie is a latter-day Bovary, caught up in totally selfish desires, oblivious to her family's needs. The protagonist, the father, is also similar; his selfishness is his tragic flaw and, like Bovary, suffers for this. This movie twisted the hokiness of Leave it to Beaver life, ripping off that happy, sappy, Kum-bay-ya, life, and showing what our decade's society has produced. If ever a movie exemplified the greed and corruption of the the 1990s, this movie is its banner. This would be the best movie I've seen--that is--until Roger and Me. That movie rules!

Baby Geniuses (1999)

How dare you!

[1/10 · 23 July 2000]

For all of you who didn't like this movie, I say 'screw you'. I was the stunt midget in this movie for baby Sly. I am proud of my work in this fine cinemagraphic acheivement. Without me scenes such as the modeling dance scene and all the fight scenes. Not many of you out there can say I was in a big budget movie or say I worked with fine actors like Dom DeLuize. I even got my own chair with my name on it. How many of you can say I was what made baby Sly sassy and spunky. I worked hard everyday to make it look like that really was a baby dancing and fighting grown men. I think this is one of the funniest movie I have seen. It is right up there with Free Willy. At the end of production I thought, it is great to be a stunt midget in this town we call Hollywood.