Change Your Image
Jared G.
Reviews
Gamera tai daiakuju Giron (1969)
They keep getting worse!
Apparantly, the writers thought that not enough monster fights had taken place in previous Gamera movies. So in this one, we get not one, not two, but THREE fights! Wow! By now Gamera has completely transformed into the friend of all children and his basic role in life is to save little brats. This one also has really bad dubbing. Why do all the women have weird accents?
Oh yeah, Guiron. He's a big knife. This leads to some of the most bizarre Gamera fights ever.
It Conquered the World (1956)
Pickle From Space
Only Roger Corman could truly explore the horrific implications of an evil vegetable! The acting isn't bad in this, considering the actors were being forced to take the ridiculous monster seriously. Graves and Van Cleef are both adequate and everybody loves Beverly Garland! Unfortunately, all the themes of the movie are stated in dialogue, especially the long moralizing speech at the end. My only problem with this is that it assumes the audience isn't intelligent enough to figure this out themselves. But oh well, there are a lot of movies that are much worse.
3 Ninjas: Knuckle Up (1995)
A New Low
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, another 3 Ninjas sequel!! Are there actually people out there that demanded this series continuation? The first two ridiculous outings weren't enough? Anyways, this one is even worse than the first two. Let your kids see the first one then hide all evidence that the others exist.
3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994)
Bad, bad, bad
Did a sequel really need to be made? Was the first movie that big a success? The series gets even worse after this one, and I am left wondering how far the premise of three kids beating up any bad guys that dare show themselves can be taken.
3 Ninjas (1992)
Kiddie Fare
Any adult who sits through this should receive a medal. But it's probably a good kid's movie (I guess). I can at least see small children entertained by the idea of three pre-teens knocking the stuffing out of about 200 adult ninjas. It might make sense to them. But as an adult, I wasn't buying it. I'm not in the market this movie was aimed for though.
The Babe Ruth Story (1948)
Gushing Sentimentality
Perhaps no movie is more cliche-ridden than "The Babe Ruth Story". Aww, the Babe rushes an injured dog to the hospital after hitting it with a line drive. He rushes out in the middle of a game. Gee wiz, the Babe hits a home run just for the poor little sick kid. He hit it for poor little Jimmy. Does anyone actually believe Babe Ruth sat down in a bar and ordered a milk? "The Babe" with John Goodman may not be a good movie, but it at least tries to portray Ruth as a human being rather than the angelic, over-sized kid we get here. Watch it purely for a laugh at the naiveness of this film.
Metropolis (1927)
Magnificent
Simply a classic, no summary needed. The scene involving the Seven Deadly Sins where the Reaper comes to life is simply one of the most impressive visual scenes I've ever seen. Has to be seen by anyone who's interested in silent films or the sci-fi genre in general.
Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (1922)
THE Vampire Movie
In my opinion, this is the best vampire movie made, ever. But beyond that, it is an incredibly powerful visual film as well. Max Shreck looks simply fantastic in the makeup that SHOULD have defined the role that would be inherited by Bela Lugosi. The only vampire movie that stands up to this one is "Vampyr".
Time of the Apes (1985)
Bizarre
A Japanese tv series is cut apart and put together to form this semblance of a movie. Obviously a "Planet of the Apes" rip-off, the movie seems the end about 3 different times, Each more dragged out than the last. The apes are also dressed in bizarre Colonel Sanders-style clothing. As a dubbed movie it's hard to comment on the acting, but the "film" is edited so poorly that the plot is nearly incomprehensible to follow. More of an oddity than a purely terrible movie.
Daikaijû kettô: Gamera tai Barugon (1966)
More Fun From Gamera
Surprisingly little Gamera is to be found in this Gamera movie. Barugon pretty much steals the show. Other than that, this is pretty much your typical monster flick. At least this one in the series was made before they turned Gamera into a "good" guy in which he was forced to save some annoying kids every movie.
Daddy-O (1958)
Sorry, Can't help you, gym policy
This is a fun movie. It's bad enough to laugh at but not so incomprehensible as to be completely frustrated by it. Contino is a hoot as the lead and VeSota is actually pretty decent. A staple of Corman films, VeSota is not really a terrible actor, just is laden down with flat, character roles. The Guy who runs the gym though, Bruce, is just so GOOFY that it defies belief. It seems his permanent expression is to squint through thick glasses with a gawking mouth.
Has a pretty bad soundtrack too, filled with Contino songs. The rest of the score was done by John Williams. Yes, THAT John Williams, the same who did Jaws, ET, and Star Wars.
Los nuevos extraterrestres (1983)
It Stinks!
Three unrelated movies are brought together by the whimsical vacuum cleaner from space, Trumpy. Three poachers bumble around in the woods. Cut to scene of a kid peering through a telescope. Cut back to the poachers. Cut to a scene of a terrible rock band "jamming". Cut back to the kid. And then back to the poachers. And then back to the band.
And the movie just goes on like that. Eventually the three "plots" are drawn together What acting there is isn't the worst I've ever seen, but for a great deal of the film you won't know what the heck is going on, especially since fog obscures most of the action.
Ator 2: L'invincibile Orion (1983)
He must fight evil wherever it occurs...
The sequel that no one asked for to the movie no one wanted. There are obviously too many flaws with this movie to name here, so I'll just concentrate on the acting. Miles O'Keefe would have been better suited to play the spritely Asian sidekick Thong, mainly because he would then have no dialogue. Lisa Foster delivers her lines displaying one emotion, dullness. Charles Borremel brings life to his part by pausing every five words. And finally the flamboyant, John Saxon-type guy......no comment is needed.
See "Conan the Barbarian" if you need to, but don't waste your time with this low-budget loser.
Citizen Cohn (1992)
A Great Film!
I find this film, tv movie or not, to be absolutely incredible! James woods is great as always, and he gives us a sometimes scary look into the disturbed mind of one of the leaders of the McCarthy era. He's surrounded by an excellent cast, even Joe Don Baker turns out a good performance as the alcoholic McCarthy. A must-see for anyone interested in the early 50's or for those who have read Arthur Miller's "The Crucible".
The film is based on the book by the same name.
Lost Continent (1951)
Rock Climbing
A decent cast is wasted in this low-budget film, hastily put together to compete with "Rocketship X-M", which wasn't all that good of a movie either. However, that movie at least attempts to convey some profound message, this film is satisfied with just being a typical "action" film. Unfortunately, very little action actually occurs as approximately two-thirds of the film is devoted to a search party making slow progress up a mountain.
Although, it should be noted that the film actually tries to avoid stereotypes with the German/Russian guy. For that, I think, the film deserves a little praise.
From Russia with Love (1963)
A Classic
How does something this simple work this well? It's a plot as simple as that of Dr. No, but where that one drags a bit, this never lets up! Grant has no physical "gimmick" that later henchmen would have, only a ruthlessness that's incomparable. The film also has some of the most beautiful locations of any Bond film. Finally, it introduces Blofeld which (after Goldfinger) will dominate the series until the end of the Connery era.
Ring of Terror (1961)
Puma?
The actual "plot" of the movie is completely unoriginal so I won't talk about that.
What I get such a kick out of, is the caretaker guy at the very beginning and ending of the film! Mr. Dobson, I think his name was. Someone decided that this guy wandering aimlessly in a cemetery looking for a cat named Puma (i least that's what I think he was saying) would make for a great opening to the film. He finds the cat, steps on it, it runs away, and he begins all over again! It represents the pure incompetence that runs through this film.
Also be sure to look out for the fat couple and a really "funny" frat guy you'll want to kill after watching him for about 10 sec.
Dr. No (1962)
The one that started it all
Dr. No isn't one of the best Bond films. The plot's a bit slow and simplistic and there are no good henchmen. However, it DOES have one of the best Bond girls and, in my opinion, one of the best Bond villains. Joseph Wiseman does a terrific job playing the cold, emotionless Dr. No. The character is much more intimidating than some of the later villains in the series for all their bluster.
For Wiseman alone I will watch this movie anytime.
Rocket Attack U.S.A. (1960)
Help me
"If only money spent supporting cheese prices could have been spent on missle research"
This movie is a blatant propaganda piece that, for whatever reason, I get a serious kick out of. Don't get me wrong, the movie's terrible and the acting's wretched. But it's just so BAD! And the "we're right they're wrong" moralizing attitude makes me laugh out loud. Every Communist is portrayed as a boorish, war-mad, untrustworthy pig. And the narration is hilarious, especially in scenes where it "translates" what the Russians are saying.
The most interesting thing about the movie is that for the last 20 min. there seems to be no plot at all. I don't dare reveal the "horrifying" conclusion, but let's just say you'll be scratching your head a bit.
Watch for the scene where some generals stare at the nonexistent rocket.
La momia azteca contra el robot humano (1958)
Very goofy and very boring
It's hard not to laugh at this movie. It's hard not to laugh knowing that somewhere, someone sat down and thought that having a robot fight a mummy would make for a good picture. And it might have been if the two title characters combined for more than 5 min of screen time. Unfortunately, most of the film consists of flashback scenes and some scientist's encounters with "The Bat". The robot, built out of sturdy cardboard and headlights, isn't even introduced till the movie is practically over and their monumental confrontation (the premise the movie is supposedly centered around) lasts about 30 sec.
I have a lot of questions for this movie. Why is the bad guy referred to as "The Bat"? Why does the mummy sound like a gorilla? Why did the robot need to have a human head? Why was there an endless Aztec dance scene? Why?
The Gold Rush (1925)
Good but not great
First of all, I fall into the Buster Keaton camp when it comes to silent comedy. I'll take Keaton's stone face over Chaplin's sentimentality anyday. But this still is a very good film that anyone interested in film history ought to see. The boot eating scene and the potato dance are classic scenes.
Five the Hard Way (1969)
Completely terrible
Is there any purpose to this wretched film? The long drown-out sidehacking scenes? When Rommel visits the artist? When Rommel hits Big Jake?
If Ross Hagen was attempting some profound message, he's completely lost me. Bad acting, bad ending. But beyond bad is the acting we get from three guys: Big Jake, Crap out, and Cooch/Gooch. I don't know where Ross Hagen found these guys and I don't WANT to know.
Is there any significance to J.C.'s name (Jesus Christ)? Perhaps I'm giving Mr. Hagen a bit too much credit. Extra demerits for an overly brutal rape scene.
"Number 9!"
The Crawling Hand (1963)
No acting, not allowed!
This is a pretty typical piece of Sci-Fi tripe of the late 50's-early 60's period. With the assistence of the Skipper (Yep, Alan Hale) two scientists track down a rougue body part that takes over the mind of a local teen, Paul. The hand controls him through some "cosmic force" that goes unexplained. The hand/arm strangles the poor lad's toadlike landlady before taking over his mind. Paul is less successful in killing people, as he fails to kill both a sour soda shop keeper and his Swedish girlfriend.
Will Paul be able to defeat his foe? Or will he need the help of alley cats? "Dames like this ALWAYS got beer around".
Rocketship X-M (1950)
We're on our way!
Although it can be VERY tedious at times, this movie is really not all that bad. The acting is fairly well done, if stereotypical, and the production values are pretty high considering some of the Sci-Fi movies that were to come later in the decade.
My biggest problem with this film are some of the very outdated characterizations in it. There's the guy from Texas, the "professional" scientist, and worst of all the woman scientist who finally realizes her womanhood. For a film seeking to make a statement about mankind, it loses some of it's impact by reducing its characters through sexist stereotypes.
Jungle Goddess (1948)
What I wouldn't give for some french fried potatoes!
What century was this film made in? The racial attitudes in this snooze-fest are unbelievable. Yeah sure. Any self-respecting black tribe in Africa will bow down at the first white person who walks along. Ridiculous.
There's very little plot here: Pilots look for girl, find her, try to escape. The end. For the life of me, I don't know why this film was made. There's absolutely no point, and it would fail as an action/adeventure film because there's so little action (and some pathetic insertions of stock footage).
I would expect better from the two lead actors.