Last Man Standing (TV Series)

Sinkhole (2014)

Tim Allen: Mike Baxter

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Mike Baxter : Okay, what Supreme Court justice do we *want* to retire?

  Boyd Baxter : Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

  Mike Baxter : Nice! And what are the five justices that we want to stay on forever?

  Boyd Baxter : Don't tell me, I know this one...

  Mike Baxter : I gave you a little hint, remember? The star method? S-T-A-R. Who are the *stars* of the Supreme Court?

  Boyd Baxter : Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts.

  Mike Baxter : Plus Kennedy, when he doesn't listen to the ladies. Which is a trick you'll learn when you get a little older.

• Mike Baxter : [after almost driving into a sinkhole]  Oh man! You good? It's all good. It's all good. Hold on a second.

  [puts car in reverse and pushes Boyd back into his seat] 

  Mike Baxter : Get back in there. Sit back down.

  [after backing away from the sinkhole] 

  Mike Baxter : Okay, listen, you sure you're alright?

  Boyd Baxter : Yes, except for when you karate chopped me in the chest.

  Mike Baxter : I had to keep your big nugget from leanin' forward. It might have tipped us right into that big hole, over there.

  Boyd Baxter : That's a *really* big hole.

  Mike Baxter : It sure is. We fall in there, we go right to China. I'd be a communist, you'd be makin' sneakers somewhere.

• Ed Alzate : With this water purifier they can drink their own pee.

  Mike Baxter : Or river water, or lake water. But by all means, use the pee as a selling point.

• Mike Baxter : [in his vlog]  Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. President Richard Nixon once said, "People react to fear, not love." Easy for him to say because he was kinda scary and nobody loved him. But Nixon's right, to get people to do what you want, scare the heck outta 'em. For example, have a bunch of scientists convince everyone the world's climate is changing. Now, we used to call that the seasons. Thank you, Al Gore, not for your inconvenient truth, but for your convenient fib that you created the internet? Wow. The greatest device in history for spreading fear, half-truths, and videos of cats attacking toddlers.

  [makes cat hissing sound] 

  Mike Baxter : Years ago, if a guy put on a robe and stood on his street corner with a sign saying, "The end is near", it was easy to say he was bananas. Well now that same dude can hide behind a slick website in his mom's basement, and as far as we know he's Walter Cronkite. I have an idea. Let's stop believing the fear-mongers. Maybe Nixon was wrong. Maybe people can be motivated by love. I bet you will love saving twenty percent off a sonar fish finder. I don't want to spread any fear here, but if you're a trout, this thing does mean the end is near.

• Mike Baxter : [on the phone]  I'd like to report uh report a missing freeway

• Ryan : That God is watching over us garbage

  Mike Baxter : You mean the basis of Western civilization,that garbage?