Archer (TV Series)

The Double Deuce (2011)

H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Woodhouse : Lieutenant Scripes abhorred the way Reggie, err, Captain Thistleton carried on with the men.

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that?

• Sterling Archer : That's silvertip badger, kid. Do you know how much this cost?

  [Archer takes shaving brush from wee baby Seamus, who starts crying] 

  Sterling Archer : No. Don't. Hey, come on.

  [Archer hands brush back to Seamus] 

  Sterling Archer : Here. God! Baby!

• Sterling Archer : Woodhouse? What the hell is this?

  Woodhouse : I believe it's squash, sir.

  Sterling Archer : What are you shoveling it into?

  Woodhouse : The wee baby Seamus. Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it while she's in Atlantic City for the weekend.

  Sterling Archer : WHAT!

  Woodhouse : For the Pimps and Ho's Ball I believe she said. Didn't seem the sort of place one takes a baby.

• Sterling Archer : Why are you sitting? At my table?

  Woodhouse : The paper sir. There's an item.

  Sterling Archer : Oh, yeah. Did somebody finally out the queen? Right? This baby knows what I'm talking about.

• Woodhouse : Not much left of the old Double Deuce any more. We're all dying off.

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, uhh, not a huge surprise.

• Woodhouse : Hell indeed, sir, because, one at a time, the remaining survivors of the old Double Deuce... are being murdered.

  Sterling Archer : Oh, my God. Are we out of Bloody Marys?

• Sterling Archer : [Archer takes martini from wee baby Seamus]  Seamus! No! Huh uh! No no no!

  Sterling Archer : [Seamus begins crying]  Woodhouse, I can either do... God! You are such a little brat.

  Sterling Archer : [Archer hands martini back to Seamus]  Here!

• Malory Archer : [the wee baby Seamus is sitting, crying on Malory's desk]  What the hell is wrong with him?

  Sterling Archer : He might have a tiny hangover.

• Sterling Archer : I'm sure you did, mother, but, apparently, Woodhouse is about to be murdered, so...

  Malory Archer : [said to Seamus]  So are you if you piddle in here. And that goes double for number two, mister man, so you just hold it in.

  Sterling Archer : Wow. Ton of stuff just started to make sense to me.

• Malory Archer : The secret is negative reinforcement.

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, I'm, uhh, just getting that.

  Malory Archer : About time. Ass!

• Woodhouse : Gave birth to you right there on that greasy bar. I cut the cord and I've been with your family ever since.

  Sterling Archer : You... You saw mother's VAGINA! Oh, my god! Ahhh! Oh, god! Oh, I can't breathe.

• Sterling Archer : You want me to take a baby... to a murder.

  Malory Archer : Wherever. Just out of here. I have no more love to give today.

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, but, what is it, like 2:30?

• Sterling Archer : Idiots doing idiot things because they're idiots.

  Cyril Figgis : Ha ha, yeah, we're the idiots says the genius who got a hooker pregnant.