My Family (TV Series)
Bully for Ben (2009)
Keiron Self: Roger Bailey
Quotes
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Roger Bailey : Morning, Ben! Have you tried this yet?
Ben Harper : What? What is it?
Roger Bailey : It's Cavicleanse. It's new from Cavitex. It's fantastic. Kills 99% of all known bacteria.
Ben Harper : Oh, and yet you still live!
Roger Bailey : [after drinking from the Cavicleanse bottle] A really, erm... interesting tang. Sort of warm, tingling sensation.
Ben Harper : [Reads ingredients on the bottle] Oh, really? And this... this, erm... warm, tingling sensation - is it getting any warmer?
Roger Bailey : Mmhmm!
Ben Harper : Sort of burning, perhaps?
Roger Bailey : [Sounds worried] Umm!
Ben Harper : That's because Cavicleanse is for sterilising instruments!
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Quizmaster : Last question: what do Woburn, Westminster and Glastonbury have in common? They all have an abbey.
Roger Bailey : [Cries] Abi!
Ben Harper : Please, Roger! Roger, not now, please!
Janey Harper : This is a fun evening, isn't it?
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Roger Bailey : Hello, champ! Ready for the big fight? Michael told me!
Ben Harper : [to Michael] I thought we were going to keep this between us men!
Roger Bailey : I'm so very proud of you, Ben. And I speak as one who's been the victim of persistent and... and merciless bullying.
Ben Harper : What I do at work, Roger, is for your own good.
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Alfie Butts : Your father is going mano-a-mano with that bloke from the other night.
Janey Harper : What? Just because of a few silly words at a quiz? That's mad!
Michael Harper : You don't understand. It's not about that. Dad's doing this for every kid who's ever been bullied. Isn't that right, dad?
Ben Harper : Am I? I am. Yes, I... I am!
Michael Harper : Yeah, it goes back to dad's childhood. He was bullied at school.
Janey Harper : Is this true, dad?
Ben Harper : Yeah, that's right.
Janey Harper : But that's silly!
Ben Harper : Oh, silly? Really? You weren't the one being frightened to death by Dani Jarvis!
Janey Harper : Yeah, but it was such a long time ago! You have to get over it!
Ben Harper : Yes, I wish I could. But, you know, she scarred me for life!
Michael Harper : [Long pause] Sorry?
Ben Harper : What?
Michael Harper : She?
Alfie Butts : Dani was a girl?
Ben Harper : [pause] No.
Michael Harper : Oh my God! You were... beaten up by a little girl?
Ben Harper : She wasn't little, Michael! She was Amazonian! She was huge! She was... and you can laugh, go on! But the girls... girls are the worst bullies! I'm telling you! I have been bullied by girls all my life! Your mother! Your mother's mother! Janey!
Janey Harper : Me? What did I do?
Ben Harper : Anniversary card?
Janey Harper : Oh, yeah, OK.
Ben Harper : Roger! Look at Roger! He's been pushed around by Abi!
Roger Bailey : I know. I loved it!
Ben Harper : And Michael, you'll be pushed around by a girl one day - hopefully!