My Family (TV Series)
Bully for Ben (2009)
Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper
Quotes
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Roger Bailey : Morning, Ben! Have you tried this yet?
Ben Harper : What? What is it?
Roger Bailey : It's Cavicleanse. It's new from Cavitex. It's fantastic. Kills 99% of all known bacteria.
Ben Harper : Oh, and yet you still live!
Roger Bailey : [after drinking from the Cavicleanse bottle] A really, erm... interesting tang. Sort of warm, tingling sensation.
Ben Harper : [Reads ingredients on the bottle] Oh, really? And this... this, erm... warm, tingling sensation - is it getting any warmer?
Roger Bailey : Mmhmm!
Ben Harper : Sort of burning, perhaps?
Roger Bailey : [Sounds worried] Umm!
Ben Harper : That's because Cavicleanse is for sterilising instruments!
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Janey Harper : You're not still trying to think of something to put in mum's anniversary card, are you?
Ben Harper : I've got loads of ideas!
Janey Harper : Like?
Ben Harper : [pause] Oh, leave me alone!
Janey Harper : Didn't you use that line last year?
Ben Harper : There's plenty of time before she gets back from your grandmother's.
Janey Harper : You can't think of anything, can you?
Ben Harper : Yeah... look, it's got a perfectly nice message in there already!
Janey Harper : "Happy anniversary".
Ben Harper : You see? There you go! Says it all. Although, I'm not crazy about the happy part!
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Janey Harper : Look, why do you find it so hard to express your emotions, dad? Is it because you have none?
Ben Harper : I wouldn't say none. In fact, you're about to see anger.
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Ben Harper : Hang on. Hang on. Where are you lot going?
Janey Harper : Pub quiz.
Ben Harper : Pub quiz? How d... you're going to a pub... and you didn't think to invite me?
Janey Harper , Michael Harper , Alfie Butts : [laughs]
Ben Harper : Sorry, what?
Michael Harper : Oh, well... no offence, dad, but it's about knowing stuff.
Ben Harper : Listen Stephen Hawking, I know stuff, OK? I know loads of stuff! I've got decades of accumulated wisdom compared to your meagre 18 years!
Michael Harper : 20.
Ben Harper : 20! Are you 20? Shouldn't you have a job by now?
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Janey Harper : Look, dad, we would have invited you, but we didn't think you'd be interested.
Michael Harper : Plus, we got a hand-picked team here. I've got science and current affairs covered, Janey knows music and fashion...
Ben Harper : Oh, really? And him? Him? What does he know?
Alfie Butts : I'll have you know, Mr Harper, my specialist subject is geography.
Ben Harper : Really? Never found your way back to Wales, though, did you?
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Janey Harper : Look, can we go, please? We're supposed to be picking Roger up at quarter-past.
Ben Harper : Roger? What, our Roger? "Hello, Ben! Turn that frown upside down!" That Roger?
Michael Harper : He's surprisingly bright, dad.
Ben Harper : Surprisingly? God, he's a shock! I've swatted bluebottles with bigger intellect than him!
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Quizmaster : Last question: what do Woburn, Westminster and Glastonbury have in common? They all have an abbey.
Roger Bailey : [Cries] Abi!
Ben Harper : Please, Roger! Roger, not now, please!
Janey Harper : This is a fun evening, isn't it?
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Barry : You've got the hump because we're first and you lot, you're... oh, eighth!
Ben Harper : I don't mind being eighth. And I've got the hump, as you so adroitly put it, because some people are not exactly playing by the rules, are they?
Barry : So what are you saying?
Ben Harper : I've been watching you. Oh, yes! Phone a friend, eh, Mr Google?
Barry : I don't like what you're inferring.
Ben Harper : Implying. I imply, you infer.
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Barry : Outside!
Ben Harper : Who is?
Barry : With!
Ben Harper : With?
Barry : You and me!
Janey Harper : What's going on?
Barry : Yeah, well, me and your granddad are about to settle an argument outside!
Ben Harper : Erm... I don't remember agreeing to that!
Barry : Alright! We'll settle it in here, then!
Michael Harper : Go on, dad! You can use those martial arts skills you're always going on about!
Ben Harper : Kids, haha! You've got to laugh, haven't you?
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Ben Harper : Hey! I wasn't scared of him, you know?
Janey Harper : We know.
Ben Harper : Ah, I could have given him a right good thumping... if you lot hadn't have been there. I mean, it's... you know, it's... not the sort of thing you'd do in front of family, is it?
Alfie Butts : Exactly, Mr Harper. We... w-we all know that.
Michael Harper : Dad. Dad, you did the right thing. What is it you're always telling us?
Ben Harper : "Move out and stop sponging off me!"
Michael Harper : You tell us to avoid trouble at all costs.
Ben Harper : Oh, do I? Oh.
Michael Harper : Yeah. You've acted really responsibly tonight.
Ben Harper : Really?
Janey Harper : Yeah. There's no shame in ducking a fight. Mum would have been proud of you.
Ben Harper : Oh, really? Do you think?
Alfie Butts : Nobody here thinks you acted like a spineless coward.
Michael Harper : Right. I mean, you didn't hear any of us use the words 'wimp', 'yellow' or 'gutless' on the way home, did you?
Ben Harper : [pause] No, no, I didn't.
Janey Harper , Alfie Butts , Michael Harper : [All breathe a huge sigh of relief]
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Roger Bailey : Hello, champ! Ready for the big fight? Michael told me!
Ben Harper : [to Michael] I thought we were going to keep this between us men!
Roger Bailey : I'm so very proud of you, Ben. And I speak as one who's been the victim of persistent and... and merciless bullying.
Ben Harper : What I do at work, Roger, is for your own good.
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Alfie Butts : Your father is going mano-a-mano with that bloke from the other night.
Janey Harper : What? Just because of a few silly words at a quiz? That's mad!
Michael Harper : You don't understand. It's not about that. Dad's doing this for every kid who's ever been bullied. Isn't that right, dad?
Ben Harper : Am I? I am. Yes, I... I am!
Michael Harper : Yeah, it goes back to dad's childhood. He was bullied at school.
Janey Harper : Is this true, dad?
Ben Harper : Yeah, that's right.
Janey Harper : But that's silly!
Ben Harper : Oh, silly? Really? You weren't the one being frightened to death by Dani Jarvis!
Janey Harper : Yeah, but it was such a long time ago! You have to get over it!
Ben Harper : Yes, I wish I could. But, you know, she scarred me for life!
Michael Harper : [Long pause] Sorry?
Ben Harper : What?
Michael Harper : She?
Alfie Butts : Dani was a girl?
Ben Harper : [pause] No.
Michael Harper : Oh my God! You were... beaten up by a little girl?
Ben Harper : She wasn't little, Michael! She was Amazonian! She was huge! She was... and you can laugh, go on! But the girls... girls are the worst bullies! I'm telling you! I have been bullied by girls all my life! Your mother! Your mother's mother! Janey!
Janey Harper : Me? What did I do?
Ben Harper : Anniversary card?
Janey Harper : Oh, yeah, OK.
Ben Harper : Roger! Look at Roger! He's been pushed around by Abi!
Roger Bailey : I know. I loved it!
Ben Harper : And Michael, you'll be pushed around by a girl one day - hopefully!
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Ben Harper : Nice work, Kenzo! Owe you a tube of Smarties!
Kenzo Harper : £10.
Ben Harper : What?
Kenzo Harper : £10.
Ben Harper : Seven.
Kenzo Harper : 12.
Ben Harper : 10.
Kenzo Harper : Done!