My Family (TV Series)

One of the Boys (2007)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Janey : I just want you to know, I found a bank with a very low interest rate.

  Ben : Oh really? Can't be any lower than mine.

• Ben : Did I ever tell you when me and Charlie stole a keg of beer from the college bar?

  Susan Harper : And it exploded in the back seat of the car?

  Ben : And right here...

  Susan Harper : ...you still have the scar? No, you never told me.

• Ben : [about college]  Oh yeah! Those were the best years of my life!

  Susan Harper : [Gives Ben a stern look] 

  Ben : Before I met you, obviously!

• Susan Harper : Ben, I know you're excited Charlie's back from the States, but can you make sure you're here to say hello to Nerys?

  Ben : Yep, yep! Course! Nerys? Nerys? Who's Nerys?

  Susan Harper : Roger's mum.

  Ben : Roger's got a mother?

  Susan Harper : I know. It was a shock for me too. I thought he was reared by the Teletubbies!

• Ben : [On meeting Roger's mum]  Look, do I have to be here, darling? I mean, you know, I'll have to be polite and courteous and, you know, it's not really playing to my strengths!

• Ben : Did I ever tell you when me and Charlie went cow tipping?

  Susan Harper : Cow tipping? What's cow tipping?

  Ben : Cow is sleep in field, push cow, cow falls over, pfft - cow tipping!

  Susan Harper : You mean like fly tipping?

  Ben : Yeah... what?

  Susan Harper : And the cow fell on you?

  Ben : Yep! And right here...

  Susan Harper : You still have the scar?

  Susan Harper : Yeah...

• Janey : Mum, dad, I've been offered the deal of a lifetime!

  Ben : The answer is no. If I refuse now, whatever it is, it'll cut out this pointless preamble!

• Janey : You know my friend Amanda with the shop? Well, she wants to sell me a share in the property while she's off travelling!

  Susan Harper : What kind of shop?

  Janey : Vintage clothing. Stuff from the 60s and 70s.

  Susan Harper : Oh, you should look in your father's wardrobe! How much do you need?

  Janey : It's the big thing.

  Susan Harper : How much?

  Janey : Did I mention it'll sell itself?

  Susan Harper : How much?

  Janey : £10,000.

  Ben : [Sniggers]  I said we should cut out this pointless preamble!

  Janey : Guys, I'm a reliable investment! You can trust me with your money!

  Ben : I'd sooner trust Nick Leeson with my money!

• Abi Harper : [after receiving a house and a dental practice as a wedding present]  I don't know what to say... mum!

  Nerys Bailey : Oh, please! Having you two as neighbours is thanks enough!

  Roger Bailey : Neighbours? In Wales?

  Nerys Bailey : Of course.

  Ben : Well, there's a wedding present we can all enjoy!

• Ben : Why did you do it?

  Charlie Briggs : I just was unhappy. Do you know what it's like to wake up miserable every single day?

  Ben : [pause]  No, I... But Charlie, if you were that depressed, why didn't you have a glass of Scotch like the rest of us?

  Susan Harper : And that's why Ben's a dentist, not a psychiatrist.

• Ben : It just seems so weird, you know. I mean, you know, me and Charlie used to hang out in the students union bar, see bands, get drunk together...

  Susan Harper : And you can't do that with a woman?

  Ben : Yeah, er, no... It's just not the same, though, is it?

  Susan Harper : Why not? I can get drunk with the best of them.

  Ben : You don't have to tell me - three kids bear testament to that!

• Ben : When was the last time you and me played golf together?

  Michael Harper : When I was nine. You made me carry your clubs in the pouring rain.

  Ben : Oh, yeah! Good times, eh? Good times! We should do it again, you know?

• Nerys Bailey : You all turned my son against me! He's just yelled at me!

  Ben : Well, you've had a good run! My kids were only six when they started screaming at me!

• Nerys Bailey : Oh, you're disgusting! You with that strange deviant friend of yours!

  Ben : What, Alfie?

  Nerys Bailey : That Charlie character!

  Ben : What?

  Nerys Bailey : Well, it's not normal, is it?

  Ben : Normal? You're talking to me about normal? Buying pants for a man in his 30s and that's normal?

• Ben : [to Nerys]  For your information, Charlie is a considerate and loyal friend! And not only does she have a killer pair of legs, but she's the only woman I know who knows the offside rule! To be honest, Nerys, you might learn a lot about being a woman from my friend Charlie!

  Charlie Briggs : [Smiles at Ben]  Actually, I'm a little hazy on the offside rule!

• Ben : Tell me it's not true, Susan!

  Susan Harper : I'm afraid it is!

  Ben : Oh, come on! Mikey!

  Michael Harper : Sorry, dad!

  Ben : The world is such an unjust place!

  Susan Harper : Don't you think you're overreacting slightly?

  Ben : But they would have been happy in Wales! Couldn't you still convince them?

  Susan Harper : I'm afraid not. Roger told Nerys he loved Abi and that they wanted to stay down here!

  Ben : But they wanted to go yesterday. What changed their minds?

  Susan Harper : Search me.