My Family (TV Series)

The Ego Has Landed (2007)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : You know, Ben? We've been married a long time.

  Ben Harper : Uh-oh!

  Susan Harper : I personally think it's because we know how to communicate. We're able to talk, have a back-and-forth conversation - a dialogue, if you will.

  Ben Harper : Just get to it, Susan.

  Susan Harper : We're having dinner with the Mortons tonight.

  Ben Harper : No, we're not.

  Susan Harper : Yes, we are.

  Ben Harper : No, we're not.

  Susan Harper : Yes, we are.

  Ben Harper : Sorry, excuse me for interrupting, but is this the dialogue bit - you know, the bit that kept our marriage alive?

• Susan Harper : They're a lovely young couple. You enjoyed talking to them when we were on holiday in Corfu.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, well, the three bottles of wine didn't hurt.

  Susan Harper : It was four.

• Janey Harper : Mum, this is Mark, and yes, he is Kenzo's father.

  Susan Harper : I knew it! My God, I'm right! My years of searching and this is him!

  Ben Harper : WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT? I'm on the open road, I'm about to open her up to 20, and then she opens the door and jumps out crying Kenzo's... I see!

  [to Mark] 

  Ben Harper : Oooohhhh, it's you, is it? I think we ought to have a little chat!

  Janey Harper : Or Mark could just leave and we all go on with our lives and...

  Susan Harper , Ben Harper : No! Let's chat!

• Susan Harper : [about Mark]  He just seems like such a lovely person. What did you do to screw it up?

  Janey Harper : What makes you think it was me that screwed it up?

  Susan Harper : [Gives Janey a look] 

  Janey Harper : Alright! But you know what I was like back then. I was fickle. Always looking over my shoulder for the next bloke.

  Susan Harper : And now you're...

  Janey Harper : ...more mature!

• Janey Harper : Do I let him see Kenzo?

  Susan Harper : It can't hurt. Plus, it might be a good idea to have a charming, articulate man in Kenzo's life.

  Ben Harper : Let's get this crappy dinner over with!

  Susan Harper : Lord knows you didn't!

• Susan Harper : What's wrong, Abi?

  Abi Harper : Ask Roger about him cheating on me!

  Ben Harper : Roger! I didn't know you had it in you!

  Roger Bailey : I don't! Abi had a dream last night that I was cheating on her and she's been in this mood all day!

• Ben Harper : You know what this is, don't you? You think you're getting old and you're not going to have any more children - I mean, most likely - and then there's me, producing in the range of 300 million little Ben Harpers a day!

  Susan Harper : Please! I want to be able to sleep tonight!

• Ben Harper : Come on, Susan! Calm down! You're not any less of a woman because you're finished having children. That's not the only thing that defines you as a woman.

  Susan Harper : Shut up, Ben!

• Ben Harper : [while watching a nature documentary]  You know, Susan, I'm rather like that silverback in the jungle.

  Susan Harper : You're more like the baboon at the zoo playing with his banana!

• Ben Harper : [At a sperm clinic]  No, I'm just helping out a lovely young couple who asked me to... donate. Yeah. Apparently they saw qualities in me that they wanted to pass on to the new generation.

  Susan Harper : Modesty wasn't one of them

• Susan Harper : You want me to tell you what you want to hear or do you want the honest answer?

  Janey Harper : What I want to hear - obviously!

  Susan Harper : The honest answer is women are replaceable at the drop of a hat. We push the babies out, we raise them and then we're done! We serve no other purpose!

  Ben Harper : You mind sewing a button on for me?

  Janey Harper : I take that back!

• Dr Kent Hawthorne : [Giving Ben his sperm donation results]  Your little swimmers can't get the job done.

  Susan Harper : [laughs] 

  Ben Harper : Sorry? W-w-what are you saying?

  Dr Kent Hawthorne : Well, they're just sort of sitting there. They're... I don't want to use the word lazy, but I've never really seen anything like it!

  Susan Harper : [Still laughing] 

  Ben Harper : Erm... there must be some kind of mistake.

  Dr Kent Hawthorne : No, I'm afraid not.

  Ben Harper : Susan, please? This is not funny!

  Susan Harper : [Still laughing]  Oh no! This is funny!

  Dr Kent Hawthorne : Look, Ben, I know this is hard to hear, but, erm...

  Ben Harper : This is ridiculous! I've got three children!

  Dr Kent Hawthorne : Right. And, er, how old is your youngest?

  Ben Harper : 18.

  Dr Kent Hawthorne : Well, at some point in the past 18 years, I'm afraid the workers have left the factory.

  Susan Harper : [laughs hysterically] 

• Ben Harper : [after finding out he is infertile]  Go on! Go on! I deserve it! Go on, get it out of your system!

  Susan Harper : The point is, Ben, it should make you feel any less of a man because you've finished producing children. That can't be the only thing that defines you as a man!

• Ben Harper : OK, Susan, ready for dinner?

  Susan Harper : The question is are you ready for dinner?

  Ben Harper : What? I'm about to go into a crowded restaurant and tell two virtual strangers I'm infertile? Can't wait!