Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Abi Harper : [Dressed like a Victorian-era whore]  You ain't seen Jack the Ripper, have you?

  Susan Harper : No, Ben won't be home for another hour!

  Abi Harper : Help! Help! He's disemboweling ladies of the night! My kind ain't safe - they aren't!

  Susan Harper : Alright, Abi. I'm glad you're enjoying your new job, but please leave the whore at the door.

  Abi Harper : Meryl Streep doesn't drop out of character when she gets home!

  Abi Harper : Meryl Streep doesn't get £4.40 an hour as a street strumpet at the London Dungeon!

  Susan Harper : I'm not a strumpet! I am a Victorian hussy! Strumpets only get £3.40 an hour!

• Susan Harper : I just happened to be tip-toeing past Michael's room and you'll never guess what I heard.

  Ben Harper : Oh, come on! Every boy does that!

• Susan Harper : Tea, darling.

  Janey Harper : Oh, I don't care.

  Susan Harper : Still got your headache?

  Janey Harper : It's been two weeks!

  Susan Harper : That's an awfully long time for a headache.

  Janey Harper : Oh, no. Headache's only since yesterday. It's been two weeks since I've had any...

  Susan Harper : Janey!

  Janey Harper : Well, you asked!

  Susan Harper : I asked if you wanted tea! Do you always get a headache if you go too long without getting any...?

  Janey Harper : Don't you?

  Susan Harper : No, I only get headaches when I... don't want any.

  Janey Harper : But who wouldn't want any... oh, that's right - you're married to dad!

• Ben Harper : At what point did I lose control of this household?

  Susan Harper : At what point did you have control of this household?

• Ben Harper : Look, if I hadn't have bought it, some sharp property developer would have moved in. Look, this way, we can do it up ourselves - sell it on, make a quick profit, easy chain, bing, bang, badadoom!

  Susan Harper : You're a suburban dentist, not Tony Soprano.

  Ben Harper : We both kill people.

• Susan Harper : Ben, guess who I bumped into earlier today? My best friend from school, Carol Ashcroft. I think I've found a perfect girlfriend for Michael.

  Ben Harper : Wouldn't Carol be a little old for Michael?

  Susan Harper : Not Carol. Her daughter, Suzanne.

  Ben Harper : Stop it, Susan! Stop playing Cupid, for God's sake!

  Susan Harper : Why not? That's how we got together!

  Ben Harper : I rest my case!

• Susan Harper : He was talking to Suzanne! I think they have chemistry! I think it's going to work!

  Ben Harper : I don't think so! I don't think so! No way on Earth!

  Susan Harper : Why not?

  Ben Harper : Because she's you!

  Susan Harper : What are you talking about?

  Ben Harper : She's you! The hair, the face, the laugh - she's an exact carbon copy, with a little less carbon.

  Susan Harper : Don't be ridiculous! Besides, what would be so wrong about that?

  Ben Harper : Well... nothing, really. Just a little bit freakish, if you don't mind me saying. I mean, what... what if it gets to the point where they sleep together and then Michael realises she looks like you?

  Susan Harper : You sleep with me and I look like me.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, but Michael's got his whole life ahead of him!

• Ben Harper : Are you telling me there is nothing you can do to get that squatter out of my house?

  Policeman : I'm afraid not, sir. Unfortunately, the law is weighted in the lawbreaker's favour. One day, a real rain's gonna come and wash the scum off the streets. But until then, all I can do is file a report.

  Ben Harper : But they broke into a private property!

  Policeman : Well, I saw no sign of forced entry. My guess is that someone left a window open.

  Ben Harper : A window open? Please! In this day and age? This is not 1955!

  Susan Harper : Oh.

  Ben Harper : What do you mean 'oh'?

  Susan Harper : It's just a crack to let the paint dry. Well, there was nothing there to steal!

  Ben Harper : They stole a four-bedroomed house!

• Susan Harper : Where have you been? You didn't come home last night.

  Abi Harper : Amsterdam.

  Ben Harper : What?

  Abi Harper : A bloke saw me at the London Dungeon, offered me the same kind of job for a lot more money. Only it turned out to be not the same kind of job at all. Which is a shame, really, because I liked sitting in that window.