Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : I just happened to be tip-toeing past Michael's room and you'll never guess what I heard.

  Ben Harper : Oh, come on! Every boy does that!

• Ben Harper : At what point did I lose control of this household?

  Susan Harper : At what point did you have control of this household?

• Ben Harper : Look, if I hadn't have bought it, some sharp property developer would have moved in. Look, this way, we can do it up ourselves - sell it on, make a quick profit, easy chain, bing, bang, badadoom!

  Susan Harper : You're a suburban dentist, not Tony Soprano.

  Ben Harper : We both kill people.

• Susan Harper : Ben, guess who I bumped into earlier today? My best friend from school, Carol Ashcroft. I think I've found a perfect girlfriend for Michael.

  Ben Harper : Wouldn't Carol be a little old for Michael?

  Susan Harper : Not Carol. Her daughter, Suzanne.

  Ben Harper : Stop it, Susan! Stop playing Cupid, for God's sake!

  Susan Harper : Why not? That's how we got together!

  Ben Harper : I rest my case!

• Susan Harper : He was talking to Suzanne! I think they have chemistry! I think it's going to work!

  Ben Harper : I don't think so! I don't think so! No way on Earth!

  Susan Harper : Why not?

  Ben Harper : Because she's you!

  Susan Harper : What are you talking about?

  Ben Harper : She's you! The hair, the face, the laugh - she's an exact carbon copy, with a little less carbon.

  Susan Harper : Don't be ridiculous! Besides, what would be so wrong about that?

  Ben Harper : Well... nothing, really. Just a little bit freakish, if you don't mind me saying. I mean, what... what if it gets to the point where they sleep together and then Michael realises she looks like you?

  Susan Harper : You sleep with me and I look like me.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, but Michael's got his whole life ahead of him!

• Ben Harper : Does Suzanne remind you of anyone?

  Michael Harper : Well, after last night, Paris Hilton.

  Ben Harper : Ooh! Please, Mikey! Suzanne's an exact copy of your mother!

  Michael Harper : What are you talking about?

  Ben Harper : Come here! Ready?

  [Ben takes Michael to the kitchen, and shows Susan and Suzanne dressed exactly the same, reading similar magazines and laughing at the same time] 

  Michael Harper : Oh my God!

  Ben Harper : Need to throw up?

  Michael Harper : I'm like Oedipus! I want to rip my eyes out!

  Ben Harper : What?

  Michael Harper : It's a classic Greek play!

  Ben Harper : Well, if it's not a film, Michael, I'm not going to know, am I?

• Ben Harper : Are you telling me there is nothing you can do to get that squatter out of my house?

  Policeman : I'm afraid not, sir. Unfortunately, the law is weighted in the lawbreaker's favour. One day, a real rain's gonna come and wash the scum off the streets. But until then, all I can do is file a report.

  Ben Harper : But they broke into a private property!

  Policeman : Well, I saw no sign of forced entry. My guess is that someone left a window open.

  Ben Harper : A window open? Please! In this day and age? This is not 1955!

  Susan Harper : Oh.

  Ben Harper : What do you mean 'oh'?

  Susan Harper : It's just a crack to let the paint dry. Well, there was nothing there to steal!

  Ben Harper : They stole a four-bedroomed house!

• Roger Bailey : You know, I really don't think you should have sold me the house if you knew there were squatters in it.

  Ben Harper : Roger, we could spend all night playing the blame game! Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's your fault...

  Roger Bailey : Well, it's your fault.

  Ben Harper : Fine! Shift the blame!

• Ben Harper : What's important here, Roger, is that I'm helping you get your squatters out of your new house! You know, that's the kind of person I am. Plus, my wife is making me do it. I mean, granted, it would be easier if I gave you the money back...

  Roger Bailey : Yes, please!

  Ben Harper : ...or, or, or - just hear me out - we could do what we said we were going to do and break in and reclaim the house! Are you with me, Roger?

  Roger Bailey : I'd still rather have the money back.

  Ben Harper : You know, I wish I'd invented Google, but it's a bit late for that!

• Roger Bailey : What if they hit us?

  Ben Harper : Roger, we're dentists! We can fix our own teeth!

• Susan Harper : Where have you been? You didn't come home last night.

  Abi Harper : Amsterdam.

  Ben Harper : What?

  Abi Harper : A bloke saw me at the London Dungeon, offered me the same kind of job for a lot more money. Only it turned out to be not the same kind of job at all. Which is a shame, really, because I liked sitting in that window.