How to Slay a Vampire (1993 Video) User Reviews

Hilariously bad, but in a real good way.

[sedermp · 5/10 · 18 January 2007]

I found this treat at Moviestop in a clear plastic case. On the other side of the disc is Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein.

The other commenter is right: this is the worst movie ever, and how it was released on DVD is mystery that the universe will take with it to its grave. The first time I watched it, I was completely silent, shocked into a taciturn stupor. On the second viewing I didn't stop laughing until the end credits rolled. And then I immediately called four of my bad-movie-loving friends and ran the movie again.

Filmed with the same video camera with which your uncle Gary videotaped your 1986 family reunion, How to Slay a Vampire is a masterpiece of low-budget, self-referential, completely absurd film-making. The Polonias' talent may lie outside the realm of film, but they are refreshingly aware of the fact, and the result is better than anything a high-minded talentless director could have done. (Tony Scott, I'm looking in your direction.) Seriously, this may just be the most entertaining thing you'll see, as long as it is paired with some open-minded friends and an appropriate drinking game. Unlike other "worst movies ever made" (Zombie Lake, Hell of the Living Dead), How to Slay... keeps your attention all the way through. You'll want to watch it several times to catch all the no-budget madness.

Things to watch for: special effects created with MS Paint, a strange television program about dinosaurs and one of the brothers' hilarious reactions to it, a scene deleted for practical reasons, a critique of an old cartoon (listen for the ethereal music), an errant boom mic, and a wonderfully dated drum 'n' bass beat.

Indie spoof

[Leofwine_draca · 3/10 · 30 October 2018]

HOW TO SLAY A VAMPIRE is an indie spoof from the Polonia brothers, made with a great deal of enthusiasm but virtually no money. How much you like it depends on your predilection for 1990s-era camcorder movies. The brothers play a couple of guys who buy an old rug only to discover a classic vampire sleeping within, but they have trouble killing it. There's some 4th wall-breaking here, some funny text interludes, but also a lot of digressions that feel like padding.

I found it! The WORST Movie EVER!

[supercygnus · 1/10 · 31 March 2006]

If only there was something less than "1" on the voting scale. This film should singlehandedly be able to open a strong argument in favor of instituting negative numbers for the IMDb voting scale. It may also open arguments in favor of hunting down and hurting the Polonia Brothers. This is a movie filled with the 2 incredibly dorky protagonists (aforementioned talent-free Polonia Brothers) looking at the camera and commenting in "humourous" and "self-referential" and "self-aware" fashion on the events going on in the movie. They also engage in conversations with the director, and a black cut out shape that I can only suppose is supposed to be a guy watching the movie from the "theater". What's interesting is that by resorting to these stomach turning antics is that they actual risk bodily harm. I defy you to watch this film so cheap that they actually freeze frame on scenes rather than simply filming a static shot and video rental props are decorated in what are clearly Sharpie pen sketches, and not at least twitch with a very real anger and desire to punch one of the brothers in the face. As I've shown this to others in a kind of "Fear Factor" tolerance challenged, I've observed some viewers have felt sickened (not from any type of gore, but from experiencing a true black hole of talent), some deflated and sad by the fact someone actually released this and paid the Palonidiots money to do so, but all have one feeling in common. All were angered. It is a phenomenon that should one day be studied.

Still interested? Well it's the zany story of of 2 complete morons (type casting) who try to hunt and kill a sexually confused Vampire. When these two sides meet up...watch zaniness follows! WATCH as the Vampire has a very long sex scene with a blow-up doll (I kid you not)! HEAR the garbled dialogue and muffled sound effects! SEE mind boggling continuity problems and interiors of the same houses over and over again (which look like were filmed at the Palonia's Grandma's house)! LAUGH not at the (un)hysterical opening by the Producer preaching safe sex! FEEL the uneasy feeling in your stomach grow into the exact feelings of stomach flu as you struggle to continue! SEARCH frantically for clinical help to deal with the non-movie you've just watched! EXPLAIN to your friends why you hate yourself so much to watch this (un)masterpiece! BEG forgiveness from those who watched it with you! Filmed entirely on a very cheap consumer video camera. Good luck to you, and keep reminding yourself that if you allow the Palonia brothers to hurt you, then they've won. Be strong.

Polonia Brothers, Familiar And Friendly

[infinitenancy · 15 February 2007]

How to Slay a Vampire = Fearless Vampire Killers. I'm not comparing John & Mark's talents to Roman's, I AM comparing their desires to create something to please themselves within a budget, that might be covered by the finished product itself, AND SOMETHING they wanted to do, enjoyed doing, and probably enjoy looking back on. Roman Polanski probably felt the same way in 1967, when he created what I believe to be a masterpiece blend of Horror and Comedy. I know that everybody I have recommended "How to Slay a Vampire" to has seen parallels also. Count Francis IS THE MOST ingenious and novel approach to a vampire since ... Lloyd Kaufman is to reality (TROMA ROCKS!!!) - and so do the Polonia Brothers - They don't claim to be actors, or directors, they do not rival George Lucas for BS, nor do they claim to rival Spielberg, nor Hitchcock for talent. I believe they just ARE The Polonia Brothers, doing their thing... take it or leave it... and I prefer to take it! "How to Slay a Vampire" IS a classic, and John & Mark (& John McBride) make a team I enjoy watching, because they KNOW they're being watched. ... & I know they know they're being watched.

CARRY ON!! Polonia Brothers. (& McBride) P.S. Do Mark or John know Mojo Nixon???????????????????

(...this is from Frank... He's just borrowing my e-mail (smirk) )

What the??

[fangfan1 · 1/10 · 14 November 2008]

I was unlucky enough to get this movie in the DVD release "blood soaked cinema: bite night". I can't believe that a film like this got released on DVD.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind low budget films (actually some are quite enjoyable) but c'mon a vampire making love to a blow up doll, which, by the way, seemed to last an eternity. Not to mention the jokes were not funny and the acting was terrible.

I think a 10 year old could do better.

I have never commented on a movie before but I was so appalled by this 'film' I had to say something.

Don't waste any time on this movie - do something else like housework - that would be much more exciting than watching this stinker.

Could this be the worst thing ever filmed?

[Boinky8 · 1/10 · 3 August 2010]

To say that this is a bad movie would be an understatement. Because it's from the Polonia Brothers you can assume that it has no budget and is poorly shot and edited. What you need to know is that this is extremely, stunningly unwatchable. I venture to say that I know of no film that has been shot with less effort than this one. It is supposed to be a comedy but it never, ever succeeds at being funny. Apparently that takes an amount of thought or effort that the Polonia brothers were not willing to spend on this film. It may be cliché to say that watching a film is torture, but I'll go ahead and say that for this film.

The plot is supposed to be about two brothers trying to find ways to kill a vampire that they found in their mother's basement (because the entire film is filmed in and around a single house). However, they can only stretch that out for about 15 minutes. The rest of the running time consists of blatantly obvious time wasting and filler. The majority of the running time is taken up by such stupid pointless scenes as fifteen second shots of people sleeping and a guy urinating. I am not kidding when I say that a full one eighth of this film consists of an unending scene of the vampire making out with a blow up doll.

This film is only funny if you think that references to private parts, homosexuality, and sexual objects are funny. The film's knee slapping premise is that the vampire is actually gay. Ha Ha Ha! He farts a lot also, and never speaks: instead he only makes "Blah Blah Blah" noises. There are also many attempts at "breaking the fourth wall" that are never creative or funny. This film is supposed to be zany and comedic but it is executed with so little effort that it ends up being an insult to the viewer's intelligence and a criminal waste of time. I would be surprised if any other people than I and the Polonia Brothers were masochistic enough to sit through this entire film.

Masochistic Are We

[BigHeartedRyan · 7/10 · 4 January 2021]

Despite the above review about this movie, for those of you who enjoy bad films this is a stellar choice to be added to your collection of the most ridiculous things ever made. It'll leave you just as bizarrely dumbstruck as the first time you saw Bea Arthur singing while running the Mos Eisley cantina in the Star Wars Christmas Special.

The general plot description was spot on. A pair of brothers find a vampire wrapped in an old rug and have to find a way to kill it. Is the camera work bad? Yes. Is the story God awful? Absolutely. Does the movie seem to drag on for an endless age of man? 100%.

Drop a tampon in your tea cup and relax while you watch one of the best worst films you've ever found. Good luck finding it though. I got lucky and subbed across mine in a Wal-Mart horror pack.

A Fang-less Vampire

[caspian1978 · 6/10 · 28 September 2017]

Before you make fun of this "movie" it is important to know that the Directors have already beat you to it. The Polonia Brothers make no secret that they are poking fun at themselves throughout the movie. It is this truth that makes How to Slay a Vampire a fun experience. You are never to expect what you are watching be taken serious let alone art. Instead, we are entertained with this unique horror / comedy / satire of a vampire story. Filmed on location, mostly in a basement of a house where the audience gets to view one ceiling shot after another. It is this low angle frame after frame that reminds us we are watching a zero budget movie. Most importantly, fans of the Polonia Brothers will appreciate this gem. Not the best of their work, however, this movie does showcase John and Mark having fun while making the movie. That alone makes this more than just a movie, it is a journal entry in the brotherhood John and Mark once had.