Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Legion (1993)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lister : When I finally get round to writing my Good Psycho guide, this place is gonna get raves. Accommodation: Excellent. Food: First class. Resident nutter: Courteous and considerate. Psycho rating's got to be four and a half chainsaws, highly recommendable.

• [Lister is flicking through a magazine and eating space weevil] 

  Kryten : Everything okay, sir?

  Lister : [with mouth full]  No it's not. Some smegger's filled in this 'Have You Got a Good Memory' quiz.

  Kryten : That was you sir, last week - don't you remember?

• Kryten : But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain.

  Legion : Kryten, you forget. Not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch.

  [Legion stabs himself in the hand. The others all feel pain in their hands] 

  Legion : The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up...

  [he points it at his groin] 

  Legion : Here.

  Kryten : Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.

  Rimmer , Lister , The Cat : Yes, it does!

• Kryten : Sir? May I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy-fodder? This will, of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologize in advance.

  Rimmer : Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube.

  Lister : Kryten, sit down. I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing.

• The Cat : What the hell is all this down my chair? Peanuts?

  Lister : No, I've been trimming my veruccas.

  The Cat : You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush.

  Lister : You really think I'm that psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK?

  The Cat : Real peanuts?

  Lister : Yeah.

  The Cat : [eats the peanuts]  Where'd you get them?

  Lister : I got them a couple of months back. I found them in the dead Captain's old donkey jacket.

  [The Cat feels sick] 

  Lister : Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that Mint Imperial, didn't you?

  The Cat : [nods]  Where did you get that?

  Lister : He was sucking that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack.

• Cat : Who is this johnny? And why is he so keen on keeping us happy?

  Kryten : Is it possible our well-being is in someway linked to his own?

  Lister : What, like he's feeding off our emotions?

  Kryten : Remember when we arrived the scans recorded no life signs, is it possible that our very presence here has in someway inadvertently awoken him?

• Legion : There is a cyber-park in the complex. You may go to any time period of your choosing and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any persons you desire.

  Lister : And that's in some way supposed to make me happy... sorry, run that by me one more time?

• Legion : This will be your cell, Dave.

  Lister : My cell. You really are a nutter aren't you?