My Family (TV Series)

Shrink Rap (2002)

Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Michael Harper : I hate you!

  Ben : No, no, no, that's my line.

  Michael Harper : Well, I said it first.

• Michael : It is now the general consensus among all my friends that Dad is the most embarrassing human being on the face of the earth.

  [Michael goes into kitchen] 

  Susan : Michael, 'general consensus' is redundant. It's the consensus that your father's the most embarrassing human being on the face of the earth.

  Ben : I cancelled a patient so I could ferry you around, you know!

  [kitchen door slams] 

  Ben : I could have spent the last two hours lancing Mr Potter's lower rotten gum, and having a better time.

  [to Susan] 

  Ben : And don't ask me what happened! We were at PC World, right? Looking at computers. The next minute, bang, he's gone, he's disappeared.

  Susan : Did he run away?

  Ben : I wish! Sulking in the car.

  Susan : So what did you do this time?

  Ben : Why do you always make it sound like my fault?

  Susan : Experience.

  Ben : Susan, all I did was devote the entire afternoon to our charming little... boy. I took him to the shops; I chatted to some of his friends...

  Susan : Oh.

  Ben : No, I swear to you I said nothing wrong, nothing. I, I just said, "Hi there, I'm Michael's dad, what's that game about?" And that was all.

  Michael : [From inside the kitchen]  And his flies were open the whole time!

  Ben : You think I did that on purpose! Go to the shopping center, look at computers and flash a couple of spotty oiks!

  Susan : Your oiks aren't spotty, dear.

• [last lines] 

  Michael Harper : Dad! I'm late for school.

  Ben : One more page, OK?

  [reads] 

  Ben : On Friday he ate through five oranges, but he was still hungry.

  Michael Harper : Mom, he's doing it again.

  Ben : [reads]  And on Saturday he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone, one pickle...

  Michael Harper : Mom!

• Susan : I took a course in sensitivity training.

  Michael Harper : You dropped out.

  Susan : Because I already knew everything.

• Ben : Your mother and I went to your school auction tonight.

  Michael Harper : Why? Because I asked you not to? Why don't you ever listen to me?

  Ben : Michael, it's OK. It's cool. We didn't do anything to embarrass you. OK? Nothing.

  [pause] 

  Ben : I paid £1,000 to clean my own teeth, your mother bought a personalised headstone and a year's supply of dog food.

  Michael Harper : Great! They'll be calling me Dog Food Boy now!

  Ben : Hey! Count yourself lucky! You were *this* close to being called the Colonic Irrigation Kid!