My Family (TV Series)

Shrink Rap (2002)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan : Harper is my slave name.

  Ben : Oh my God!

  Susan : I wanted to keep my name at our wedding, but a male-dominated society insisted I change it to "Harper".

  Ben : I thought you liked "Harper".

  Susan : It's nothing personal, but I liked my name. It was like a comfortable and cozy home. And I feel when I got married I was evicted from it. An exile to live in a hovel in a swamp filled with surly lizards.

• Susan : [showing Ben a letter she found in Michael's room]  It's from his school, it's addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Harper, and he's hidden it from us. What does that tell you?

  Ben : That he doesn't want us to find it.

• Susan : [speaking about Michael]  I was tidying up his room and I found this

  [coughs] 

  Susan : his desk.

  Ben : Sorry, was that

  [coughs] 

  Ben : on his desk or

  [coughs] 

  Ben : in his desk?

  Susan : Does it matter?

  Ben : In a court of law, yes. One's invasion of privacy the other's being sneaky.

  Susan : Well, what you call being sneaky I call being a parent.

• [first lines] 

  Michael Harper : I hate you!

  Ben : No, no, no, that's my line.

  Michael Harper : Well, I said it first.

• Michael : It is now the general consensus among all my friends that Dad is the most embarrassing human being on the face of the earth.

  [Michael goes into kitchen] 

  Susan : Michael, 'general consensus' is redundant. It's the consensus that your father's the most embarrassing human being on the face of the earth.

  Ben : I cancelled a patient so I could ferry you around, you know!

  [kitchen door slams] 

  Ben : I could have spent the last two hours lancing Mr Potter's lower rotten gum, and having a better time.

  [to Susan] 

  Ben : And don't ask me what happened! We were at PC World, right? Looking at computers. The next minute, bang, he's gone, he's disappeared.

  Susan : Did he run away?

  Ben : I wish! Sulking in the car.

  Susan : So what did you do this time?

  Ben : Why do you always make it sound like my fault?

  Susan : Experience.

  Ben : Susan, all I did was devote the entire afternoon to our charming little... boy. I took him to the shops; I chatted to some of his friends...

  Susan : Oh.

  Ben : No, I swear to you I said nothing wrong, nothing. I, I just said, "Hi there, I'm Michael's dad, what's that game about?" And that was all.

  Michael : [From inside the kitchen]  And his flies were open the whole time!

  Ben : You think I did that on purpose! Go to the shopping center, look at computers and flash a couple of spotty oiks!

  Susan : Your oiks aren't spotty, dear.

• [last lines] 

  Michael Harper : Dad! I'm late for school.

  Ben : One more page, OK?

  [reads] 

  Ben : On Friday he ate through five oranges, but he was still hungry.

  Michael Harper : Mom, he's doing it again.

  Ben : [reads]  And on Saturday he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone, one pickle...

  Michael Harper : Mom!

• Dr. Connor : Are you joining us? Don't worry, Mr Harper. The first step is always the hardest.

  Ben : No, it isn't.

  Dr. Connor : Excuse me?

  Ben : I find the first step is simply the warm-up to the indignities of step two and doesn't even come close to preparing you for the hell of steps three and beyond.

  Dr. Connor : That's a very negative view of therapy.

  Ben : No, life.

• Dr. Connor : So why is your inner name Ryman?

  Susan : Harper was his name, Riggs was my father's, but Ryman was my grandmother. She chose it herself - no men involved.

  Ben : She was reared by wolves.

• Dr. Connor : Do you want to be constructive or do you want to sit there carping?

  Ben : I'll sit here carping. I come from a long line of carpers. It's where name Harper originated, you know?

• Dr. Connor : So, as we slouch onto Bethlehem, we've chosen our seats, we've learned our names...

  Susan : ...and don't forget the names of our children.

  Ben : Oh, God!

  Susan : Nick, Janey and Michael.

  Ben : Or in our heart, Huey, Dewey and Louie.

• Dr. Connor : [about Nick]  Ah, unemployable.

  Ben : What, do you think that's normal?

  Dr. Connor : Ugh. I have one of those at home. Slobs around the house all day, making plans and excuses till I'm ready to vomit. Frankly, I don't know why I married the man!

• Dr. Connor : As I was saying.

  Susan : And we are listening.

  Ben : No, you're not! You're talking!

  Susan : I'm listening in a collaborative fashion. It's part of the therapeutic process, wouldn't you say?

  Dr. Connor : No, you're simply talking. I listen to it endlessly here - talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

  Susan : I thought therapy was called 'the talking cure'.

  Dr. Connor : And Birmingham is called 'the jewel of the Midlands'.

• Susan : Look, much as I enjoy seeing him squirm, I thought we agreed to cut to the chase. And our sex life is fine - it's more than fine. It's the rest of the day that's hell. He's negative, argumentative, and he won't even acknowledge any feelings except pretend glee that Janey's left home - and that's the real issue he won't talk about. And it's ridiculous and it's sad and quite frankly, after living together for all these years, your silence on the subject hurts my feelings!

  Ben : [after a long pause]  So you really think our sex life is great?

• Ben : [about the kids]  Why did we have them?

  Susan : I believe it had something to do with wanting to show me a good time.

• Ben : What's that?

  Susan : I'm writing Janey a letter.

  Ben : Oh, they've cut off her phone, then?

  Susan : We write to each other all the time. It's a civilised and unhurried way of communicating.

  Ben : [pause]  So when did they cut off her phone?

  Susan : Yesterday.

• Susan : This is a cry for help. When Michael says he doesn't want us to go to the auction...

  Ben : ...he doesn't want us to go.

  Susan : No, what Michael says and what Michael means are two very different things.

  Ben : Yeah, he gets that from his mother's side.

  Susan : Don't blame me for his behaviour. You're the one who embarrasses him.

  Ben : Me? Do you suffer from selective deafness? He said you were an embarrassment, too.

  Susan : But you're a bigger embarrassment.

  Ben : What is this? A competition?

  Susan : No, of course not. But you win.

• Ben : No, I am not going to some stupid school auction to pay for some polenta-loving earth mother to come and feng shui my personal space!

  Susan : Well, she certainly won't have any problem finding your toxic corner.

• Ben : [about Michael's school auction]  These things are a just a chance for so-called parents to show off their jobs.

  Susan : Well, I'm proud of my job. Maybe I'll donate a tour of celebrity graves. Take people round the churchyards of London. You know, Karl Marx in Highgate; Mary Wollstonecraft in Old St Pancras Churchyard? What do you think?

  Ben : Never has the phrase 'deadly boring' been more appropriate.

• Ben : Your mother and I went to your school auction tonight.

  Michael Harper : Why? Because I asked you not to? Why don't you ever listen to me?

  Ben : Michael, it's OK. It's cool. We didn't do anything to embarrass you. OK? Nothing.

  [pause] 

  Ben : I paid £1,000 to clean my own teeth, your mother bought a personalised headstone and a year's supply of dog food.

  Michael Harper : Great! They'll be calling me Dog Food Boy now!

  Ben : Hey! Count yourself lucky! You were *this* close to being called the Colonic Irrigation Kid!