My Family (TV Series)

Death Takes a Policy (2000)

Kris Marshall: Nick Harper

Quotes 

• Mr. Quince : What are you smiling at?

  Nick Harper : Er, this is my look of supreme confidence.

  Mr. Quince : [Going through his resume]  Mr Harper, you seem to have left vast areas blank.

  Nick Harper : Really? Where?

  Mr. Quince : In everything beyond name and address.

  Nick Harper : Date of birth! Actually, for a job application, you've got a lot of grey areas here. For example, next to qualifications, I thought you meant qualifications as in strong intuition; unflappable calm under pressure.

  Mr. Quince : Mr Harper, this is an application for sub-level two of the finance ministry of the European Union. And one is reasonable to assume that qualifications means advanced degrees, corporate experience and skill with numbers!

  Nick Harper : Again, you weren't too clear, you know?

  Mr. Quince : [Rips up resume]  Is that clear enough?

  Nick Harper : [laughs]  You're just testing my unflappable calm under pressure, aren't you?

  Mr. Quince : No, I'm not. Security!

• Nick Harper : I went down the job centre and I found a well-paying professional job.

  Susan Harper : Yes! Yes! Yes!

  Ben Harper : Oh, my God!

  Susan Harper : Come on! Pay up! Pay up!

  Ben Harper : Alright, alright, alright, alright! OK!

  Nick Harper : Erm, what is this?

  Susan Harper : Your father and I had a little wager about when you'd actually get a job.

  Nick Harper : You know, it's a good thing I've got very high self-esteem.

  Susan Harper : Excuse us, darling, but if we didn't make light of your unfortunate track record in the employment area...

  Ben Harper : ...then we'd put a sack over your head and club you like a baby seal.

• Nick Harper : Er, dad. I've had a word with mum and she thinks the insurance thing is a great idea.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, well, your mother would. She also thinks she's a gourmet cook!

• Nick Harper : [about his girlfriend]  Anyway, I really like her and I want you to meet her. So can I bring her round?

  Susan Harper : For dinner?

  Janey Harper : Not if he likes her.

  Nick Harper : No, I will stop for a quick chat about her future and the small way dad can help with her career.

  Ben Harper : What? She wants to be a dentist?

  Nick Harper : Hehe! Right, like I'd go out with a dentist!

• Nick Harper : [Convincing Ben to buy life insurance from his girlfriend]  Alright, what if it's just a small policy?

  Ben Harper : I already have a small policy: never pay for sex.

  Nick Harper : It's not paying for sex. It's paying for a warm, loving relationship that will hopefully lead to sex.

• Brigitte McKay : Much as I've come to admire you, Mr H - actually, 'admire' is a bit too strong a word - you are missing the big picture.

  Ben Harper : No. Small man; small business; no room for big picture.

  Nick Harper : No, I think she's right, dad. I mean, a good life insurance policy...

  Brigitte McKay : Oh, no, I'm not talking petit bourgeois life insurance. Mmhmm. I am talking The Great Mandala.

  Nick Harper : What, the South African bloke with the batty ex-wife?

  Brigitte McKay : No, the mystic wheel of truth where all truth is found.

  Nick Harper : Looks like you picked another winner here, dad!

  Brigitte McKay : According to The Great Mandala, everything - life, death, the whole shebang - is all interconnected through an infinite web of relationships. OK, you with me? People, for example, eat chops; which come from cows; which are raised in Scotland; which during the War of the Austrian Succession was supported by the French; who cook with absolutely loads of garlic; which repels vampires who suck the blood out of whom?

  Patient : Bats?

  Brigitte McKay : No. People - who eat chops! Voila! Le circle et complait!

  Ben Harper : [pause]  Brigitte, erm... chops come from pigs and sheep, not cows.