My Family (TV Series)

Death Takes a Policy (2000)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Ben Harper : You know what puzzles me, Father Conley? The whole concept of death. Why does it have to be so bloody awful? I mean, if God can do anything, why can't he make it more fun?

• Vicar : Well... you know what they say, Mr Harper: 'God works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform'.

  Ben Harper : Bit of a cop-out, though, isn't it? I mean, if I worked in mysterious ways, I'd be hauled in front of a dental ethics committee!

• Mrs. Dudley : Oh, no. I know your game. You dentists are all alike. Smooth-talking me with all of your sales chatter. Before I know it, I'm forking out a fortune for some pointless bridge work. I wouldn't put it past you to sap my will with some mind-altering drug.

  Ben Harper : Yes, that is a thought... But let me put it in a way that even you may understand. There are basically two choices: expensive and painless or cheap and agonising.

  Mrs. Dudley : I'm not afraid of pain. I've had seven children.

  Ben Harper : My God, are you mad?

  Mrs. Dudley : What?

  Ben Harper : Mad... mad about children? You must be!

• Mrs. Dudley : I can't believe you've got children.

  Ben Harper : No, neither can I.

• Mrs. Dudley : [about Nick]  Doesn't he have a job?

  Ben Harper : He's a fully paid-up professional irritant.

• Janey Harper : So, dad, you think I can have one, don't you?

  Ben Harper : What? A water bra? A bra with water? I mean, considering most of your mates have pins in every available appendage, I would have thought that was a dodgy piece of attire!

  Janey Harper : So, is that a 'yes'?

  Ben Harper : It's a 'no comment'.

• Nick Harper : I went down the job centre and I found a well-paying professional job.

  Susan Harper : Yes! Yes! Yes!

  Ben Harper : Oh, my God!

  Susan Harper : Come on! Pay up! Pay up!

  Ben Harper : Alright, alright, alright, alright! OK!

  Nick Harper : Erm, what is this?

  Susan Harper : Your father and I had a little wager about when you'd actually get a job.

  Nick Harper : You know, it's a good thing I've got very high self-esteem.

  Susan Harper : Excuse us, darling, but if we didn't make light of your unfortunate track record in the employment area...

  Ben Harper : ...then we'd put a sack over your head and club you like a baby seal.

• Susan Harper : We already have insurance, Nick.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, we've... w-what? Since when?

  Susan Harper : Since Nicky was born. We talked about it, you said we'll talk about it later, we talked about it later, you said you didn't want to talk about it, so I forged your signature and we have insurance!

• Susan Harper : I'm upset.

  Ben Harper : Have some tea.

  Susan Harper : I'm very upset.

  Ben Harper : Have some herbal tea.

• Susan Harper : Don't you want to know what people are really feeling?

  Ben Harper : Susan, I'm a dentist! All day long, I'm exposed to what people are really feeling and it's usually 'ouch!'

• Nick Harper : Er, dad. I've had a word with mum and she thinks the insurance thing is a great idea.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, well, your mother would. She also thinks she's a gourmet cook!

• Ben Harper : Why does death have to go on and on and on and sex is so short? It doesn't make sense. God got his priorities wrong somewhere.

• Ben Harper : Let's start off, erm... with a little X-ray, shall we, to see what's going on in there.

  Mrs. Dudley : No! You're not inflating the cost with useless tests!

  Ben Harper : Right. Well, I'll get a bit of string, tie it round the tooth, attach it to the door handle and, in a diabolical pleasure, slam it shut!

• Susan Harper : In 15 years, our office has never lost a tourist.

  Ben Harper : What about the guy at Westminster Abbey?

  Susan Harper : We didn't lose him. He was arrested.

  Ben Harper : Alright. What about the four Americans in the Hampton Court maze?

  Susan Harper : That's the whole point of a maze, isn't it? Getting lost! So that doesn't count!

  Ben Harper : No. What about the Elephant House incident?

  Susan Harper : Er... You always look on the negative side, don't you?

• Nick Harper : [about his girlfriend]  Anyway, I really like her and I want you to meet her. So can I bring her round?

  Susan Harper : For dinner?

  Janey Harper : Not if he likes her.

  Nick Harper : No, I will stop for a quick chat about her future and the small way dad can help with her career.

  Ben Harper : What? She wants to be a dentist?

  Nick Harper : Hehe! Right, like I'd go out with a dentist!

• Nick Harper : [Convincing Ben to buy life insurance from his girlfriend]  Alright, what if it's just a small policy?

  Ben Harper : I already have a small policy: never pay for sex.

  Nick Harper : It's not paying for sex. It's paying for a warm, loving relationship that will hopefully lead to sex.

• Ben Harper : Right, Mr Briggs. I think the anaesthetic's taken effect. You feel that?

  [Taps his mouth] 

  Patient : Oooh!

  Ben Harper : Alright, we'll wait. Whiny little arse!

  Patient : Mmhmm?

  Ben Harper : Why not take a glass... of water?

• Ben Harper : [to Michael]  When I was younger, I used to think that people died because life was unfair. And then when I saw you and your brother and sister born, I realised life was unfair. And expensive.

• Brigitte McKay : Much as I've come to admire you, Mr H - actually, 'admire' is a bit too strong a word - you are missing the big picture.

  Ben Harper : No. Small man; small business; no room for big picture.

  Nick Harper : No, I think she's right, dad. I mean, a good life insurance policy...

  Brigitte McKay : Oh, no, I'm not talking petit bourgeois life insurance. Mmhmm. I am talking The Great Mandala.

  Nick Harper : What, the South African bloke with the batty ex-wife?

  Brigitte McKay : No, the mystic wheel of truth where all truth is found.

  Nick Harper : Looks like you picked another winner here, dad!

  Brigitte McKay : According to The Great Mandala, everything - life, death, the whole shebang - is all interconnected through an infinite web of relationships. OK, you with me? People, for example, eat chops; which come from cows; which are raised in Scotland; which during the War of the Austrian Succession was supported by the French; who cook with absolutely loads of garlic; which repels vampires who suck the blood out of whom?

  Patient : Bats?

  Brigitte McKay : No. People - who eat chops! Voila! Le circle et complait!

  Ben Harper : [pause]  Brigitte, erm... chops come from pigs and sheep, not cows.

• Ben Harper : Imagine life is a piece of string.

  Michael Harper : What kind?

  Ben Harper : What do you mean? String. String.

  Michael Harper : Well, there's all kinds. I mean, there's kite string, there's twine...

  Ben Harper : OK! Yes, yes...

  Michael Harper : ...there's fishing line...

  Ben Harper : There's rope! There's rope! I'm talking about string! A little string, OK?

  Michael Harper : String.

  Ben Harper : String. It's got a beginning, a middle and an end... and it gets twisted and turned, and sometimes it gets knotted and tangled, and sometimes it can be cut short.

  Michael Harper : ...or have a conker put on the end!

  Ben Harper : Or have a conker put... Erm, I don't think you're quite getting this string thing, are you?

• Ben Harper : The Nemesis ride is a lot like life, OK? You think nothing's ever going to happen. It starts off very slowly, and then before you know it, you're at the top. And the view is... is, is wonderful. It's great. And then from then on, it's downhill all the way - through darkness, fear, death-drying bends and stomach churning lurches...

  Michael Harper : And that's death?

  Ben Harper : ...no, that's still life!

• Ben Harper : Wouldn't you rather hear where babies come from?

  Michael Harper : Everyone knows that.

  Ben Harper : Do they? Not when I was your age!

• Michael Harper : Are you going to die young, like she said?

  Ben Harper : No, no. Firstly, I'm too old to die young. And secondly, she goes out with your brother, so what the hell does she know?

• Ben Harper : [about Nick]  Why did we choose to have him?

  Susan Harper : We didn't. It was the jug of margaritas at the Mexican restaurant.

  Ben Harper : Oh, yeah! He was almost Jose Cuervo!