My Family (TV Series)
All Roads Lead to Ramon (2001)
Kris Marshall: Nick Harper
Quotes
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Nick : [walks into Ben's dentist as a Spanish man, speaking with a Spanish accent] Hello. I am Ramon Manlucas.
Ben : [looks in total shock, knowing it is Nick] Merciful heavens.
Nick : I am very highly qualified, with many recommendations from dentists in Spain.
Ben : Are you insane?
Nick : No. I am Ramon Manlucas. I am born in Puerto Banus and educated in Madrid. I am looking very much forward to working here in England.
Ben : Yeah, I am looking very much forward to booting you up the backside. Would you get out, Nick, please?
Nick : Who is Nick?
Ben : Drop the accent, all right? I just... I know it's you!
Nick : Yes, it is me, Ramon Manlucas.
[Ben rubs his face with his hand and gives Nick a look]
Nick : [speaking in his normal voice] It's the moustache, isn't it?
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[about Nick's first day as a tour guide]
Susan : In fact, it went so well I... it went so well I... sent Nick off by himself.
Ben : You sent Nick off by himself.
[laughing]
Ben : Course you did.
Susan : All right, I lost him.
Ben : 30-Love, ha-ha! I told you... you wouldn't listen - he's unemployable,
Susan : It's early days. He needs care, love, and tenderness.
Nick : Hiya mum.
Susan : WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Nick : Hey, don't ask me what type of day I've had. Where's that beer?
Susan : Okay, okay, so you got lost, fine. But did you have to take my entire tour group with you?
Nick : Wasn't that the job?
Ben : Oh you led a little tour on your first day. Your mother will be proud. What was it called, "Pub Crawl of Old London Town" or "Shops You Can't Go into Again"?
Nick : Actually, it was called, "Dylan Thomas' London".
Ben : Oh, the pub crawl then.
Susan : Don't encourage him.
Ben : I was only asking.
Susan : I was talking to Nick.
[turns and pursues Nick across the room]
Susan : And what have you done with your umbrella?
Nick : Oh, it's probably still at the police station.
Susan : And your badge?
Nick : I think I left it in casualty.
Susan : What about your clipboard?
Nick : A baboon ran off with it.
Susan : Oh, well, at least you took them to the zoo.
Nick : Nnnno.
-
[Susan is running Nick through a tour-guide lesson]
Susan : All you have to do is stick close to me, do exactly as I do, and if you're unsure of anything...
Nick : I'll just wing it!
Susan : No, no, just ask. Now, here's your umbrella. This is your staff of office. Your... tour-guide sceptre if you like.
Nick : Actually mum, I do have a question. If Buzz Lightyear doesn't know he's a toy, why doesn't he speak when humans are around?
Susan : What?
Nick : You said to ask if I wasn't sure of anything.
-
Susan : Hello, Nick. How was your day?
Nick : Ah, the usual. Got up. Went to work. Got sacked.
Susan : But you seem depressed.
Nick : I know. I got sacked.
Susan : You weren't depressed the last time you got sacked.
Nick : Yeah, but that was yesterday. That's two days in a row I've been sacked. People will start thinking I'm some sort of useless layabout.
Ben : Why hasn't that useless layabout got a job yet?
Michael Harper : That *is* his job!
-
Ben : Right. Anyone else want me to perform an unpleasant task? Nick, want me to sign on the dole for you?
Nick : Oh, would you, dad?
Michael Harper : Would you rub cream on my rash?
-
Susan : Oh, well, thank you for being so supportive.
Ben : Hah! There's being supportive and there's being insane!
Susan : You do realise that every time you talk about Nick like that, you're undermining his confidence?
Nick : No, he's not.
Ben : Yes, I am. You're just too flaky to notice.
Susan : You see? There you go again - dig, dig, dig. Have you ever wondered why he's turned out so flaky, incompetent and lazy?
Nick : Er, actually, mum, that *does* undermine my confidence!
