Magnum, P.I. (TV Series)

Tropical Madness (1981)

Tom Selleck: Thomas Magnum

Photos 

Quotes 

• Magnum : [narrating]  When I write my book on how to be a world class private investigator, I'm going to include two rules on how to tail a car. The first is: when you choose a nondescript car for tailing, don't pick one so nondescript it's obvious. The guys following my new friend were so unnoticable it was like they had a red flag on the hood. The second rule is: don't get so busy tailing you forget to look behind you. These yo-yos had no idea I was behind them.

• Magnum : The rumba? Who does the rumba today?

  Rick : Nobody since José Iturbi quit doing movies.

• Jennifer : You won't be apprehensive if I just reload?

  Magnum : Oh no, not at all. I'm American, remember? We're supposed to catch bullets in our teeth.

• Higgins : Magnum, you are clad only in your undershorts.

  Magnum : Of course I am.

  Higgins : Even for you I find that just a trifle casual.

• Magnum : Come on Higgins, just let me call the police will ya? I'll phone Scotland Yard, they'll run a routine check. Come on Higgins, just say something, please!

  Higgins : Magnum, you will do us the kindness of going to the devil.

• [Higgins has just said farewell to Jennifer] 

  Magnum : You know Higgins, that was a bit of alright.

  Higgins : Don't hand me that wretched understatement, I was bloody marvelous.

• Higgins : These bully boys, exactly what do they look like?

  Magnum : One of them was a sumo wrestler...

  [Magnum lowers his voice, embarrassed to tell the rest] 

  Magnum : ...the other was a midget or a dwarf.

  Higgins : What?

  Magnum : [raises his voice angrily]  A midget or a dwarf!

  Higgins : [raises his eyebrows]  Really? No bearded ladies, trapeze artists? Where was the rest of the circus?

• [at the club, Magnum is sitting with Rick and TC. A young British woman sits at a table, reading. Higgins passes nearby] 

  Jennifer : Excuse me, please.

  Higgins : Yes?

  Jennifer : By any chance, are you an official of this club?

  Higgins : Well, not exactly, but I daresay I'm not entirely without influence. How may I be of service?

  Jennifer : That man... well, he's staring at me.

  Higgins : Exactly which one?

  Jennifer : I'm afraid it is the one who appears to have gone out in his underwear.

  Higgins : Ah, yes. Rest assured I'll attend to it immediately.

  [Higgins approaches Magnum, Rick and TC. Jenny sips from her tea, looking at Higgins intently] 

  Theodore 'TC' Calvin : Rick, I'm telling you, either the small businessman has to expand or get demolished. I have to move up or move out.

  Rick : Given your financial statement, did you ever consider buying a balsawood kit and a couple of rubber bands?

  [Rick and Magnum laugh] 

  Theodore 'TC' Calvin : Say, I'm serious. This ain't funny.

  Higgins : If I may interrupt this assemblage...

  Rick : Why don't you pull up a chair and sit down, Higgins?

  Magnum : How about a beer?

  Higgins : A formal complaint has been lodged with me, regarding both unbecoming behaviour and violations of the club's dress code.

  Magnum : C'mon, Higgins, I'm clean. I'm on the beach.

  Higgins : It's interesting how the guilty party defends himself before being accused.

  Rick : Oh, Thomas is usually accused before there's a complaint. That came out wrong, didn't it?

  Higgins : Apart from your aggressively offensive attire, there's a much more serious matter. That obviously well-bred young lady over there has complained that you've been leering at her.

  Magnum : What? Where?

  [Magnum and TC look at Jenny] 

  Theodore 'TC' Calvin : TM, you've been giving the radar eye to that woman? Man, you got to be crazy. That chick is instant frostbite.

  Magnum : That girl? Honest, I never even noticed her, Higgins.

  Higgins : Methinks he doth protest too much.

  Magnum : Oh, for... look, there is a simple, very practical, easy way to end this all. I will just go over and apologize for anything she thought may have happened. OK? Everybody happy?

  [Higgins nods. Magnum stands and approaches Jenny] 

  Magnum : Excuse me.

  [Jenny raises her eyes from the book] 

  Magnum : That gentleman over there, Higgins, he says I somehow offended you by staring, which I wasn't, really, but now that I'm here and I met you, I really wish I have been. You're quite lovely.

  Jennifer : [coldly]  Thank you for your courtesy and the compliment.

  [Jenny returns reading her book] 

  Magnum : My name's Thomas Magnum.

  Jennifer : [indifferently]  Oh.

  Magnum : [takes a seat]  Listen, um, if you're new here, I thought that maybe I could, um, give you a tour of the club, like to introduce you to some people, really make you feel at home.

  Jennifer : That's very thoughtful, but I'm quite comfortable already. Would you excuse me?

  Magnum : [nods]  Right. It was swell talking to you.

  [Magnum leaves]