Are You Being Served? (TV Series)
Pilot (1972)
Trevor Bannister: Mr. Lucas
Photos
Quotes
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Captain Stephen Peacock : [to Mrs. Slocombe] With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Oh... Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Mr. Dick Lucas : Neither would I.
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Mr. Dick Lucas : [after Young Mr. Grace leaves] We'll that was a short day, wasn't it?
Mr. Humphries : I don't know, he's put in ten minutes. I wonder where he's going?
Mr. Dick Lucas : I think it's a toss up between the bank and the undertaker.
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Captain Stephen Peacock : Come a little closer, we don't want the customer's to hear.
Mr. Dick Lucas : You'd have to shout.
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Mr. Dick Lucas : [trying to carry a mannequin] Give me a hand with this. Oh, come on. Which end do you want? Heads or tails?
Miss Shirley Brahms : Now, do be careful. Mrs Slocombe had to wait six weeks for it.
Mr. Dick Lucas : Oh, when you get to her age, what can you expect?
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : [Mr. Lucas is carrying an almost naked mannequin with Miss Brahms] Mr. Lucas, put something on it. It is a house rule, you know.
Mr. Dick Lucas : Oh, well, I, I'm sorry Mr. Grainger. I thought it was alright if they was wearing tights.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Yes, well, it's er... hardly sufficient, is it?
Mr. Dick Lucas : [laughs] I see what you mean.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Anyway, the upper part should be obscured.
Mr. Dick Lucas : I'm sorry, Mr. Grainger.
[puts his hands over the mannequin's bare breasts]
Mr. Ernest Grainger : How long have you been with Grace Brothers, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas : Ah, one month, Mr. Grainger.
[looks at his hands holding the mannequin's breasts]
Mr. Dick Lucas : I-I'm still sort of feeling my way around, as you might say.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Yes.
[walks off]
Mr. Dick Lucas : Cop hold.
[takes his hands away from the mannequin's breasts]
Miss Shirley Brahms : What about obscuring it?
Mr. Dick Lucas : Alright then, lend us your knickers.
Miss Shirley Brahms : Now, don't you start. And anyway, they wouldn't obscure anything.
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Mr. Dick Lucas : Good morning, Sir. Are you being served?
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Mr. Humphries : [talking about Young Mr. Grace] He's worth two million.
Mr. Dick Lucas : Two million?
Mr. Humphries : He can't take it with him.
Mr. Dick Lucas : The way he's walking, he looks as though he's carrying it on his back.
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Mr. Humphries : [Talking about Miss Brahms] She's got a nerve!
Mr. Dick Lucas : What's the matter now?
Mr. Humphries : She wants to remove my shirt and put a bra there instead.
Mr. Dick Lucas : Just you, or all of us?
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Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries, if you're free. Miss Brahms, gather round. Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Dick Lucas : [looks about him] I'm free.
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Mr. Dick Lucas : [Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries discuss the Blue Cinema Club card that had fallen out of Captain Peacock's pocket] Hello.
Mr. Humphries : What's that?
Mr. Dick Lucas : Blue Cinema Club.
Mr. Humphries : I shouldn't have thought a young virile gentleman like yourself, needed that sort of stimulation.
Mr. Dick Lucas : It's not mine. It fell out of Captain Peacock's pocket.
Mr. Humphries : It didn't? Let me have a look. Oh.
[reads off card]
Mr. Humphries : "Members Signature: Captain John Smith". Captain John Smith! That's him, all right. I wondered why he bought that brown raincoat in the sale.
Mr. Dick Lucas : I'd better give it to him.
[he starts to leave the counter]
Mr. Humphries : That'll be the last thing you do.
Mr. Dick Lucas : What do you mean?
Mr. Humphries : Well, if he knows that you know that he goes sitting in that little cinema, where there's no room for your legs and they all have their macs over their knees...
Mr. Dick Lucas : [loudly] How do you know what it looks like?
Mr. Humphries : My doctor sent me there for therapy.
Mr. Dick Lucas : [pause] Did it work?
Mr. Humphries : That's none of your business.
Mr. Dick Lucas : Well, what are we going to do?
Mr. Humphries : We are going to do nothing. You leave it there. He'll see it. He's got eyes like a Scandinavian mountain hawk. We'll pretend we haven't seen it.