Are You Being Served? (TV Series)
Our Figures Are Slipping (1973)
John Inman: Mr. Humphries
Photos
Quotes
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Mrs. Slocombe : Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold, Miss Brahms and I would like to complain about the state of our drawers. They're... They're a positive disgrace.
Mr. Rumbold : Your what, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe : Our drawers. They're sticking. It's always the same in damp weather.
Mr. Rumbold : Really?
Mrs. Slocombe : Miss Brahms could hardly shift hers at all just now.
Mr. Lucas : [laughing] No wonder she was late.
Mrs. Slocombe : They sent up a man who put beeswax on them, but that made them worse.
Mr. Rumbold : I'm not surprised.
Miss Brahms : I think they need sandpapering.
Mr. Rumbold : Would that help, do you think, Peacock?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, you see, I puff French chalk on mine, and they're as smooth as silk.
Mr. Lucas : Perhaps you could puff some French chalk over Mrs. Slocombe's.
Mr. Rumbold : Would that solve your problem, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs. Slocombe : They ought to be changed. I've had them ever since I've been here!
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Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : [Mr. Grainger is snoring on his chair] Poor old soul, he's been on his feet all day. He probably goes to sleep about this time on the train.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Rumbold : Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms : Mr. Grainger?
Mrs. Slocombe : Miss Brahms! Mr. Grainger?
Miss Brahms : Baldy?
Mr. Rumbold : One hesitates to lay hands on him. Still...
Mr. Lucas : Oh no, no, no. I wouldn't if I were you, Mr, Rumbold. No, no. Just think. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks the bucket. News Of The World: "Aged Worker Dies At Hands Of Overseer". That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Excuse me, Captain Peacock. I think I know what to do.
[coughs]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
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Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : [Signing in at work] Good morning Captain Peacock.
[Looks at his watch]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Eight fifty-nine and ten... ten seconds, yes. I would have been here at eight fifty-eight, but I caught my hand bag in the lift.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Hand bag?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, it's Miss Brahms' actually. She left it on the stairs. She must have been in rather a hurry. Besides, I wouldn't be seen dead with imitation crocodile, not with these shoes anyway.
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : I walked through the park in order to give my toast crusts to the ducks. My wife doesn't like me to leave them, but these new teeth of mine... They're a little to much for them. You know, even the ducks have to wait until they go soggy.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : They'll probably be all right, when you've run them in a bit.
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Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : [after Mr. Lucas talks to Captain Peacock] Did you have a nice little chat?
Mr. Lucas : He said I've got to report to Rumbold at nine fifteen with my sales book. What does that mean?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, in the terms of the Almighty's grand plan for the universe, very little. But as far as your concerned, it probably means you'll be at the labor exchange at half past nine.
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Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Grainger, would you step this way please, if you're free.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Yes, I'm... I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Free, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Lucas : Oh, very free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Step this way.
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : I suppose I ought to phone Mrs. Grainger, and tell her to keep the pie warm in the oven.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Tell her to turn the regulo down to a quarter. If she hardens that crust, it'll play havoc with your gums.
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : Take that silly grin off your face, Mr. Lucas. It's very bad for trade.
Mr. Lucas : You just can't win, can you?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Take no notice of him. He's jealous. If he tried it, they'd drop on the floor.
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.