Kicking & Screaming (2005)

Will Ferrell: Phil Weston

Photos 

Quotes 

• Phil Weston : I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.

• Phil Weston : You're my assistant. Okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I tell you. Now go get me a juicebox!

  Mike Ditka : DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?

  Phil Weston : I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!

  Mike Ditka : You're crazy!

  Phil Weston : I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!

  Mike Ditka : WELL, YOU GO TO HELL!

  Phil Weston : No, you go to hell! While you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!

• Referee : Where do I know you from?

  Phil Weston : I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!

  Referee : No, that ain't it.

  Phil Weston : That's definitely it!

  Referee : I'll figure it out.

• Phil Weston : [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown]  What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.

  Beantown Employees : My name is Andy.

  Phil Weston : No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.

• Buck Weston : You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.

  Phil Weston : She didn't die! She divorced you!

  Buck Weston : Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.

• Phil Weston : Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.

  [kid starts attacking him] 

  Phil Weston : GET HIM OFF ME!

  [someone pulls kid off] 

  Phil Weston : That's like the little jackal from hell!

• Buck Weston : We've got balls!

  Phil Weston : And vitamins!

  Buck Weston : But mostly balls!

  Phil Weston : [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams] 

  Phil Weston : AND VITAMINS!

• Phil Weston : They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.

• Mark Avery : Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong

  [waving hands, gesturing] 

  Mark Avery : You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?

  Phil Weston : What does that mean?

  Mark Avery : I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.

  Phil Weston : Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.

  Mark Avery : Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?

  Phil Weston : Right, yeah...

  Mark Avery : [all the kids laugh]  Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!

  Phil Weston : How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.

• Mike Ditka : Did you just kick your son?

  Phil Weston : Yeah.

• Connor : Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

  Phil Weston : All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.

  [Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out] 

  Phil Weston : Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.

• Phil Weston : Ambrose

  Ambrose : Yeah?

  Phil Weston : I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?

  Ambrose : I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.

  Phil Weston : LIAR!

• Phil Weston : Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!

  Obnoxious Hummer Lady : Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?

  [indicating Phil's smaller sedan] 

  Obnoxious Hummer Lady : This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!

• Phil Weston : [to Barbara]  My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?

  [quick cut to Ditka house] 

  Mike Ditka : So Paul, what's on your mind?

  Phil Weston : Actually, it's Phil.

  Mike Ditka : It's not Paul?

  Phil Weston : No.

  Mike Ditka : What's the difference? Spit it out.

  [lights a cigar] 

  Diana Ditka : Mike?

  Mike Ditka : Here, hold this.

  [gives cigar to Phil] 

  Diana Ditka : Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!

  Phil Weston : I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

  Diana Ditka : You should be.

  Mike Ditka : [Phil hands back cigar]  I'll get rid of it, honey!

• Barbara Weston : [trying to comfort an anguished Phil]  Phil, I love you...

  Phil Weston : [crying]  What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?

• Phil Weston : So when i took over for Coach Benson...

  Clark : [interrupting]  I hear he's a woman now!

  [laughter from the party guests] 

  Buck Weston : Yeah.

  Phil Weston : Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.

  [more laughter] 

  Phil Weston : I don't know *why* that's funny.

  [applause] 

• Phil Weston : All right, Tigers. Lets get ready to play, huh? I don't want to see any laziness here. If we win this we're in the finals. If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys, pummel them at all costs. Dominate, and hammer them. I want you to play dirty, if you have to, but don't get caught. Byong Sun, stay low. Ok. That's easy for you. Just chop-block 'em in the back of the knee. That will work well. Ambrose, you're big. Don't be afraid to throw the elbow. If you break someone's collar bone, that's a good thing, that's what the medic's for. Otherwise he's just sittin' around. All right! You hear me!

• Sam Weston : Dad, you're getting a little creepy.

  Phil Weston : I know, let's all bay at the moon.

  Sam Weston : What?

  Phil Weston : You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!

  Neighbor : Shut up out there!

  Phil Weston : You shut up in THERE!

  [continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard] 

• Mike Ditka : [to the Tigers team]  Now this is gonna be the hardest, most difficult thing you ever attempted in your entire life. But you know what, when it's over...

  Phil Weston : Don't get emotional...

  Mike Ditka : When it's over...

  Phil Weston : When it's over...

  Mike Ditka : You guys are gonna be champions! My God, you're going to be champions!

  Phil Weston : Champions!

  Mike Ditka : Now let's get out there and kick some butt!

  Phil Weston : On three, 'let's have fun'.

  The Tigers : [all chant]  One, two, three, Let's have fun!

  Mike Ditka : [to Phil, mocking]  'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?

• Phil Weston : Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?

  Beantown Employees : [to coworker, annoyed]  Half-caff...

  Beantown Customers : Right, Half-caff.

  Phil Weston : A Half-caff!

  [to Sam] 

  Phil Weston : We're gonna have a Half-caff.

  Sam Weston : [to customer]  We're gonna have a Half-caff.

  Beantown Customers : [annoyed]  Yay.

  Beantown Employees : Half-caff.

  Phil Weston : Thanks.

  [takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee] 

  Phil Weston : Yowww! Mother of Pearl!

  Beantown Employees : [more pissed now]  You shoulda waited for the jacket.

  Phil Weston : Right... I just got too eager. Uh...

  Beantown Employees : [to coworker]  'nother Half-caff!

  Beantown Customers : [more pissed]  Right, 'nother Half-caff!

• Phil Weston : Are you a robot-woman? Are you a robot?

  Barbara Weston : I am not a robot!

• Umberto : [making the two boys recite]  Prima la carne, prima la carne.

  Gian Piero : Prima la carne.

  Massimo : Prima la carne.

  Phil Weston : What?

  Umberto : Meat first, THEN soccer!

  Phil Weston : Right, meat comes first!

• [Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on] 

  Byong Sun : Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

  Referee : [chasing him]  You little... give it back!

  Phil Weston : [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back]  Sorry about that.

  Bald Soccer Dad : How much do you think one of those things costs?

  Phil Weston : I have no idea.

• Phil Weston : [passing out DVDs]  These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".

  [he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace] 

  Phil Weston : [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery]  Here, hold this.

  Barbara Weston : Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.

  Phil Weston : You did, you said it a lot.

  Barbara Weston : Who did that?

  Phil Weston : [pointing to Mark]  He did.

  The Tigers : HE DID!

  Phil Weston : What? Nut'uh!

  [the kids all descend upon him] 

• Phil Weston : [on park pay phone with Umberto]  I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!

  Party Guests : [singing]  Happy Birthday to you! Happy...

  Phil Weston : Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

• Phil Weston : OK, you caught me. The finches were a bad idea. And I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think some of them may have salmonella. A fair amount, in fact. I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.

• Phil Weston : I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.

• Phil Weston : [to Mark]  How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

• Ann Hogan : You ease up on him.

  Phil Weston : You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.

• Ann Hogan : Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.

  Phil Weston : [reading title]  My Child is Shy. Thanks.

  [pause] 

  Phil Weston : I'm sorry, who's your son?

  Donna Jones : Byong-Sun.

  Phil Weston : Oh, I see.

  [pause] 

  Phil Weston : Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.

  [realizing they are lesbians] 

  Phil Weston : Oh wait, now I see! Wow!

• Ann Hogan : We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.

  Phil Weston : No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.

  Ambrose's Dad : Oh, so they're better?

  Phil Weston : No, they're different.

  Donna Jones : What do you mean "different"?

  Phil Weston : I mean, you're different because you're better.

  Ambrose's Dad : How are they better?

  Phil Weston : You're both better different... in a different but better way!

  Ann Hogan : Uh, okay.

  [she walks off with Donna] 

  Ambrose's Dad : It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.

• Byong Sun : [introducing himself]  I'm Byong-Sun.

  Phil Weston : Hi, Byong-Sun.

  Byong Sun : I am a very kind person.

  Phil Weston : Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?

  Byong Sun : No sir.

  Phil Weston : Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.

  [Ambrose gives him a dirty look] 

  Phil Weston : Okay, forget I just said that.

• Phil Weston : Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...

  Mark Avery : Sammy Sosa?

  Mike Ditka : C'mon!

  Phil Weston : Football... coached the 1986...

  Mike Ditka : '85.

  Phil Weston : Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!

  Mark Avery : Do you know Sammy Sosa?

  Mike Ditka : Hey, zip it, kid!

• Neighbor : SHUT UP OUT THERE!

  Phil Weston : YOU SHUT UP IN THERE!

• The Tigers : [winning team, shouting]  Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?

  Mike Ditka : Shut up, ya little rats!

  Phil Weston : They're just showing their appreciation.

  Mike Ditka : I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.

  [throws down his clipboard and walks off] 

  Phil Weston : [picks it up]  Can I have this?

  Phil Weston : Sure.

  Phil Weston : Alllllright!

• Phil Weston : [after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball]  C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!

• Phil Weston : [to Barbara]  Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?

• Phil Weston : [to Gian Piero and Massimo]  Take the field. Taka the fielda.

• Phil Weston : This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers.

  Mark Avery : Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?

  Mike Ditka : Shut up!

• [Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game] 

  Janice Weston : Hi, you guys!

  Barbara Weston : Hi!

  [hugs Janice] 

  Barbara Weston : Hi, Buck.

  [she kisses him] 

  Buck Weston : Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!

  Phil Weston : Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

• Phil Weston : [Byong Sun uses a drinking cup to make popping noises]  'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay?

  [Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed] 

• Sam Weston : You gotta lighten up.

  Phil Weston : He started it!

• Phil Weston : Every time you say something back to me, it makes me love you more!

  Buck Weston : Heh.

• Phil Weston : [javelin drops just next to Barbara]  Sorry. It's really windy!

  Barbara Weston : [catching her breath]  No it's not.

  Phil Weston : It is over there.

• Phil Weston : I'm not like my old man, I'm a KIND and compassionate human BEING, with a HEART as big as a LION!

• Phil Weston : What is that haunting aroma?

• Phil Weston : Hey, I almost had you!

  Buck Weston : What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!

• Phil Weston : [crying to Ditka]  I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!

• Phil Weston : Pizza at my house!

• Phil Weston : You either win, go on to greatness, or you lose, and probably face a series of cataclysmic events for the rest of your lives.

• Phil Weston : My heart rate is dangerously high right now!

• Sam Weston : Why are you whispering?

  Phil Weston : For dramatic effect.

• Phil Weston : You step on this field, this is all about you. I mean, I'm not gonna be the one, staying up late at night, you know, punching a hole through the window. Or crying myself to sleep. Or wetting my bed. Okay? That's not gonna be me, 'cause I'm fine, I got my vitamin store to go back to. I'm gonna be just great. I'm gonna be great!

• Phil Weston : Hey, you just were served a plate of humiliation. How does that feel?

• Phil Weston : Losers! Losers! Losers!

• Phil Weston : Okay guys, I only want winners out on the field. Who's a winner? I said WHO'S A WINNER? Everyone's hand should be up!

• Referee : [replacing toupee on head]  Very funny - alright, you all had a laugh?

  Phil Weston : Sorry about that.

  Forest Avery : Hey, how much do you think those things are?

  Phil Weston : I have no idea.

• Forest Avery : Wow, what was that all about?

  Phil Weston : Here's all I heard. The ref said-

  [makes fart noise] 

  Phil Weston : -and my dad said-

  [makes fart noise] 

  Phil Weston : -then, the ref said-

  [makes fart noise] 

  Phil Weston : Any more questions? Hit the road.

  [Forest awkwardly backs away]