Robert Wagner: Number Two
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Quotes
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Dr. Evil : Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!
Number Two : Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.
Dr. Evil : Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.
[pause]
Dr. Evil : Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
Number Two : [pause] That also already has happened.
[in original pressings, Number Two said "That also has already been done."]
Dr. Evil : Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Number Two : Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!
Dr. Evil : Really? That's a lot of money.
[pause]
Dr. Evil : Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...
Dr. Evil : One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!
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Dr. Evil : You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Uh, can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two : Sea bass.
Dr. Evil : [pause] Right.
Number Two : They are mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil : Really? Are they ill-tempered?
Number Two : Absolutely.
Dr. Evil : That's a start, you know.
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Casino Dealer : 17.
Number Two : Hit me.
Casino Dealer : You have 17, sir.
Number Two : I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer : [Hit for four] :21. Very good, sir.
[to Austin]
Casino Dealer : :5.
Austin Powers : I'll stay.
Casino Dealer : I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers : I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer : 20 beat your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers : Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.
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Number Two : Over the last thirty years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About fifteen years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states.
[the thirty-eight states illuminate on a map]
Number Two : In addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland.
[a steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland]
Number Two : Shipping in Texas.
[a ship off the coast of Texas illuminates]
Number Two : Oil refineries in Seattle.
[an oil refinery illuminates in Seattle]
Number Two : And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.
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Dr. Evil : Ah, Number Two. Your timing is impeccable. Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away.
Number Two : No.
Dr. Evil : What?
Number Two : Dr. Evil, I've spent 30 years of my life turning this two-bit evil empire into a world-class multinational. I was going to have a cover story in "Forbes". But you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world. And you don't realize there is no world anymore. It's only corporations.
Dr. Evil : Silence, Number Two!
Number Two : No! I've had enough of you pushing me around. Mr. Powers, I have a business proposition you might find very interesting.
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Austin Powers : What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?
Number Two : That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room.
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Dr. Evil : Release the sharks! Mr. Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks have laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.
Number Two : [clearing his throat] Ahem.
[whispering in his ear]
Number Two : Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks. When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list. We tried to get some, but it would've taken months to clear up the red tape.
