I've put off watching the movie for a long time, so let's bite the bullet and find out what I haven't been missing all these years.
I know I'm going to hate it.
I got a feeling this movie will fall under the same category as 'Chainsaw Sally.' The movie starts out with a Monroe lookalike being interviewed by Mark Laita. (Check out Rebecca on his channel if you want something unusual.)
Gunnar Hansen, I should have known. So Hansen got stereotyped as Leatherface in all his other movies, did he? If I recall, he was pitiful in that atrocious 'Mosquito' movie and was wielding a chainsaw in that as well. How sad. Don't worry about any acting skills; just place a chainsaw in his hands, and he's the Christopher Lee of Dracula's and nothing else.
I mean, how pathetic was it to have Hilary Swank punching a boxing bag in 2020's 'The Hunt?'
Sitting at the bar, slurping straight blues Bo Hansen is approached by a knockout well-chiseled, 9/10 brunette called Mercedes, and I have to award the movie a couple of points for her beauty. Like Luke Skywalker asked, "Who is she? She's beautiful." Let me go check. Michelle Bauer.
They made a 'Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2?' From looking at all her credits, the only good movie she's in is 1988's 'Nightmare Sisters.'
Why am I picking up 'Frankenhooker' vibes about this movie?
Mercedes quickly disrobes, and I'll keep her on a 9. She's not perfect, but close.
This is a comedy, not a serious horror movie, is it?
Well, then, it's mocking 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' at Gunnar Hansen's expense, if that's the case.
I've taken the wrong frame of mind going into this one.
I've got a movie at home, 'Transylvania Twist,' that I haven't watched, and I know in my heart I'll hate that as well. Some movies just don't do it for you.
A stupid gumshoe detective subplot tries its hand at witty humor, but I went into this thinking it was going to be a slasher.
I'm not a fan of that Frank Drebin narrative type of movie either. I think 'The Bone Yard' did the same thing, and I hated it. It's dry humor and doesn't work, in my opinion.
And besides, these actors playing the cops look like loan sharks or hoover salesmen.
The story's weak, it's grubby, the score is basement-level, and the actors fare no better.
The second victim in this, Hermy, resembles J. Frank Parnell. He orders human takeout and is sent to the outfield by a disciple of chainsaw, then diced with one, while outside Luciano Pavarotti plays a pimp who claims a commission in the partnership. Apparently, they're part of some underground Egyptian cult and worship power tools and make sacrifices to a non-existent Makita god.
You don't see productions like this today. This movie is one shade away from being a blue movie. Today's actresses aren't sleezy or reveal flesh like this anymore.
It's a wonder Traci Lords wasn't in this.
Did I mention I'm sitting here like a stuffed pepper and not enjoying this much? Yeah, look at all the rice and meat falling out of me.
Either Dom Deluise, Salah, or Pavarotti captures the gumshoe parole officer salesman, and I'm calling it right now! Gunnar Hansen was a sellout for agreeing to be in this. It's destroying all the respect I had for him in 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.' I wonder if all his movies were defined by power tools. One quick glance, and one's called 'Repligator' with some chick holding a whizzbang instrument on the cover. (It's a wonder it wasn't a chainsaw.) Oh boy, he was in 'The Demon Lover.' A horror movie with the worst telegraphed karate in it. It was terrible. "Why don't you have some popcorn." It's not even minus 10 out of ten.
How forgetful of me; he was in 'Chainsaw Sally' as well. Oh boy.
Linnea Quigley looks a little like Thumbelina at times. She describes down to a tee Elizabeth Short's death face. I heard that was a Chicago-style mob hit.
'Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers' fails to inspire any positive endorphin payoff. For a great-looking DVD cover, the final product only delivers anger, hate, and boredom.
All this nakedness can't save it either.
The silly chainsaw dance at the end is the pinnacle of the movie, and I find it offensive that they would dishonor 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' in this fashion.
I'll give it 3/10. Two points for Mercedes and one point for Linnea Quigley; sure, she's cute, but that chainsaw dance was as stupid as Megan's rigor Mortis routine.
Overall, this has no rewatch value to it, and unfortunately, I'm stuck with this DVD as I own it.
Tacky.
I know I'm going to hate it.
I got a feeling this movie will fall under the same category as 'Chainsaw Sally.' The movie starts out with a Monroe lookalike being interviewed by Mark Laita. (Check out Rebecca on his channel if you want something unusual.)
Gunnar Hansen, I should have known. So Hansen got stereotyped as Leatherface in all his other movies, did he? If I recall, he was pitiful in that atrocious 'Mosquito' movie and was wielding a chainsaw in that as well. How sad. Don't worry about any acting skills; just place a chainsaw in his hands, and he's the Christopher Lee of Dracula's and nothing else.
I mean, how pathetic was it to have Hilary Swank punching a boxing bag in 2020's 'The Hunt?'
Sitting at the bar, slurping straight blues Bo Hansen is approached by a knockout well-chiseled, 9/10 brunette called Mercedes, and I have to award the movie a couple of points for her beauty. Like Luke Skywalker asked, "Who is she? She's beautiful." Let me go check. Michelle Bauer.
They made a 'Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2?' From looking at all her credits, the only good movie she's in is 1988's 'Nightmare Sisters.'
Why am I picking up 'Frankenhooker' vibes about this movie?
Mercedes quickly disrobes, and I'll keep her on a 9. She's not perfect, but close.
This is a comedy, not a serious horror movie, is it?
Well, then, it's mocking 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' at Gunnar Hansen's expense, if that's the case.
I've taken the wrong frame of mind going into this one.
I've got a movie at home, 'Transylvania Twist,' that I haven't watched, and I know in my heart I'll hate that as well. Some movies just don't do it for you.
A stupid gumshoe detective subplot tries its hand at witty humor, but I went into this thinking it was going to be a slasher.
I'm not a fan of that Frank Drebin narrative type of movie either. I think 'The Bone Yard' did the same thing, and I hated it. It's dry humor and doesn't work, in my opinion.
And besides, these actors playing the cops look like loan sharks or hoover salesmen.
The story's weak, it's grubby, the score is basement-level, and the actors fare no better.
The second victim in this, Hermy, resembles J. Frank Parnell. He orders human takeout and is sent to the outfield by a disciple of chainsaw, then diced with one, while outside Luciano Pavarotti plays a pimp who claims a commission in the partnership. Apparently, they're part of some underground Egyptian cult and worship power tools and make sacrifices to a non-existent Makita god.
You don't see productions like this today. This movie is one shade away from being a blue movie. Today's actresses aren't sleezy or reveal flesh like this anymore.
It's a wonder Traci Lords wasn't in this.
Did I mention I'm sitting here like a stuffed pepper and not enjoying this much? Yeah, look at all the rice and meat falling out of me.
Either Dom Deluise, Salah, or Pavarotti captures the gumshoe parole officer salesman, and I'm calling it right now! Gunnar Hansen was a sellout for agreeing to be in this. It's destroying all the respect I had for him in 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.' I wonder if all his movies were defined by power tools. One quick glance, and one's called 'Repligator' with some chick holding a whizzbang instrument on the cover. (It's a wonder it wasn't a chainsaw.) Oh boy, he was in 'The Demon Lover.' A horror movie with the worst telegraphed karate in it. It was terrible. "Why don't you have some popcorn." It's not even minus 10 out of ten.
How forgetful of me; he was in 'Chainsaw Sally' as well. Oh boy.
Linnea Quigley looks a little like Thumbelina at times. She describes down to a tee Elizabeth Short's death face. I heard that was a Chicago-style mob hit.
'Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers' fails to inspire any positive endorphin payoff. For a great-looking DVD cover, the final product only delivers anger, hate, and boredom.
All this nakedness can't save it either.
The silly chainsaw dance at the end is the pinnacle of the movie, and I find it offensive that they would dishonor 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' in this fashion.
I'll give it 3/10. Two points for Mercedes and one point for Linnea Quigley; sure, she's cute, but that chainsaw dance was as stupid as Megan's rigor Mortis routine.
Overall, this has no rewatch value to it, and unfortunately, I'm stuck with this DVD as I own it.
Tacky.