When I stop and think about how far Dario Argento has fallen, it's enough to make me cry, but this final movie in his Three Mothers trilogy is so monumentally bad that, occasionally, the tears were of laughter.
Problem number one is the script, which borders on the farcical at times: new-wave witches (think Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus crossed with mid-'80s Madonna), a malevolent monkey, a friendly ghost, a taxi driver willing to pick up fares while the city is in chaos - even for Argento, this one pushes credibility a bit too far.
Problem number two is the acting - utterly dreadful performances all round, with Dario's daughter Asia the biggest offender (watching her character trying to will herself invisible is hilarious).
Problem number three... the visual effects: Stivaletti's practical effects are great (and make this one of Argento's goriest films), but the digital trickery is cheap and wholly unconvincing. How those awful ghost effects got the go ahead, I'll never understand.
Problem number four: the direction. Dario Argento has a crack at creating some memorable moments, but he's unable to work the magic this time around: the most notable shot is one long take, the camera following Asia as she wanders around a derelict building. It's technically impressive but ultimately pointless.
Problem number five is the ending: it sucks. After all that we have seen, the Mother of Tears (a naked silicon-chested bimbo) and her acolytes are destroyed in a flash, leaving Asia and the bloke she is with unable to contain their mirth. The joke is most definitely on us.
A generous 4/10 for the graphic violence, which includes a woman chucking her baby off a bridge, a person being strangled with their own intestines, a witch having her head crushed in a door, Udo Kier getting his face smushed, a neat eye-gouging, some throat slashing, and a woman impaled by a spear (which goes up her hoo-ha and comes out of her mouth!)
Problem number one is the script, which borders on the farcical at times: new-wave witches (think Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus crossed with mid-'80s Madonna), a malevolent monkey, a friendly ghost, a taxi driver willing to pick up fares while the city is in chaos - even for Argento, this one pushes credibility a bit too far.
Problem number two is the acting - utterly dreadful performances all round, with Dario's daughter Asia the biggest offender (watching her character trying to will herself invisible is hilarious).
Problem number three... the visual effects: Stivaletti's practical effects are great (and make this one of Argento's goriest films), but the digital trickery is cheap and wholly unconvincing. How those awful ghost effects got the go ahead, I'll never understand.
Problem number four: the direction. Dario Argento has a crack at creating some memorable moments, but he's unable to work the magic this time around: the most notable shot is one long take, the camera following Asia as she wanders around a derelict building. It's technically impressive but ultimately pointless.
Problem number five is the ending: it sucks. After all that we have seen, the Mother of Tears (a naked silicon-chested bimbo) and her acolytes are destroyed in a flash, leaving Asia and the bloke she is with unable to contain their mirth. The joke is most definitely on us.
A generous 4/10 for the graphic violence, which includes a woman chucking her baby off a bridge, a person being strangled with their own intestines, a witch having her head crushed in a door, Udo Kier getting his face smushed, a neat eye-gouging, some throat slashing, and a woman impaled by a spear (which goes up her hoo-ha and comes out of her mouth!)