1/10
The Asylum and Their Sharknadoes Need to Just STOP!
7 August 2017
Warning: Spoilers
Sharknado 5: Global Swarming is the worst out of all the Sharknado movies. I enjoyed the first 3 movies as bad movies that are just for fun. However, I hated the 4th because that was where the franchise has lost all of its "teeth" because the joke of sharks in tornadoes is all old hat at that point and that The Asylum should've just stopped at 3.

Now, onto Sharknado 5. (*Spoilers ahead, but here, in this case, they don't matter*) I hate this horrendous, godforsaken piece of garbage movie. The "plot" literally digs deep for a reason for this mess to happen, when Fin and Nova steal an artifact that can create Sharknadoes; the events in this movie all hinge on Fin and Nova being the biggest idiots on the planet especially considering what they all went through in the previous films. This movie was so unfunny, it's all done before in the other Sharknado movies and, I'd even say, done better in the first 3; I only laughed at a line from Gilbert Gottfried and when Abby from Dance Moms gets killed randomly by a shark, that's it. This movie reaches levels of insulting that the 4th reached only to even far exceed them: Sharknado 5 expects you to care for Fin's family when almost all of them die, including Fin's cyborg wife, but since this series wasn't even meant to be driven by storytelling and characters the "drama" just doesn't work because, guess what, Asylum, THAT'S NOT WHY WE WATCH THESE MOVIES! The actors don't even seem like they wanna be in this franchise anymore, that they seem to literally only be there just to pay their rent for another year (not that that's wrong of them to do it, but it's so obvious that that's all of what I got from them). Of course the effects aren't special, but now they're even less special because they keep trying to push how stupid they could get with sharks and tornadoes which ultimately leads to whatever comedic sting that was supposed to be there to just simply be nonexistent. The problem is that the passion to make a so-bad-it's-good movie that was in the first 3 is now gone: This movie is just a corporate shill husk of a "film" right down to having constant, obnoxious Xfinity advertising all over the place in it. And, the end of this movie brings in time travel where Fin's son is played by Dolph Lundgren, after the kid presumably died, and ends at a cliffhanger "Back to the Future" style. At that point, I thought, "I'm done. I am just so done. I'm not gonna watch any more Sharknadoes after that abortion."

I hope to God that Sharknado 6 doesn't happen, but if it does I sure as sh** wouldn't be there watching it after seeing 5 which makes me want to give all the 5th installments in various franchises that I've seen, that I've liked or otherwise, an extra 1-up for simply not being like Sharknado 5. I felt like I had so much more things taken away from me by Sharknado 5 than things given because this movie was such an absolute nightmarish slog to sit through.

In closing: Avoid Sharknado 5: Global Swarming like the Plague and just watch the first 3 Sharknadoes.
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