Lizzie (2012)
1/10
Possibly the Most Incoherent Movie I've Ever Seen
29 September 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Lizzie Allen, alongside her boyfriend Jason, has recently moved back into her childhood home (the same house where Lizzie Borden allegedly murdered both her parents in 1892, though she was found not guilty). However, she can't remember anything of her childhood. Since then, she has begun hearing noises around the house, experiencing strange visions, and having intense nightmares. These have gotten so severe that she's been seeing a psychiatrist for some time now, who attributes this to repressed childhood memories. Why does our protagonist share Lizzie Borden's first name? No reason whatsoever; all it ever does is confuse the viewer about who's who.

The overwhelming majority of this movie's problems lie in its abysmal script. For example, it's established early on that having moved into her old house is triggering Lizzie's repressed memories, but she adamantly refuses to use hypnotherapy to bring those memories to light (for no apparent reason). So if she's not interested in confronting her issues, why not just sell the house and be rid of them altogether? Not once is this option even brought up. And later we learn that this would indeed have solved all her problems instantly.

There's also a subplot concerning Lizzie's alcohol use and prescription medication. The first scene where we see Lizzie taking her pills, she does so in combination with a glass of wine. Apparently she's just dumb enough not to know that you shouldn't do this. About midway through the film, her psychiatrist changes her prescription and warns her (three or four times) not to take these new, euphoria-inducing pills with alcohol, as it strengthens their effects. I naturally assumed this was setting up a future scene where an increasingly desperate Lizzie would intentionally take the pills with alcohol in a futile attempt to make her "hallucinations" stop, with dire consequences. Instead, I think it's in the very next scene that she casually takes the medication with another glass of wine, with absolutely *no* reason provided for this action, and this has zero effects or ramifications whatsoever and never comes up again. The only thing this accomplishes is making the character more obnoxious and unlikable. Just... what.

These sorts of setups that don't go anywhere are sprinkled all over the movie. Lizzie drops and breaks a glass of wine in fright, but comes back to find it unharmed. She answers a call from Jason, who says he's been trying to reach her for the past half hour even though she never heard the phone ring. The call mysteriously drops, and she can't call him back. Lizzie looks down to find that her index finger is bloody and decayed, but after a few moments of panic it's perfectly okay again. Jason gets possessed once... and literally nothing ever comes of it. Lizzie calls the police, but the police say her address doesn't exist. *None* of this is explained or makes sense in light of the movie's conclusion.

Of special note is Maggie, their neighbor. Her fourth scene in the whole movie features her tearfully entering Lizzie's house in the middle of the night to tell her that she was raped. And then we find out she's a maid from 1892. No, really.

This summary of the ending might make some sense to you, but the slapdash, unexplained way it's presented makes it hugely more baffling. Lizzie has a vision of the Borden murders; Mrs. Borden was killed by Mr. Borden in a struggle after she saw him rape Maggie (their maid), and Lizzie Borden killed him in retribution. Then Lizzie Allen exits the vision to find that Maggie and Jason have been killed in the same locations as Mrs. and Mr. Borden, respectively, and shoots herself in the head. Then there's *another* flashback to Lizzie Allen as a child, who sees her dad get murdered by her mom, who is possessed by Lizzie Borden's ghost. Then, in the present, Lizzie Allen sits back up and smiles. Then the credits roll.

Even if this sequence of events wasn't so convoluted, the conclusion remains unbearably stupid. All the film says of Lizzie Borden's motivation is that she wants "vengeance on society" (seriously, that's a quote from Lizzie Borden's ghost). For what?! It would be one thing if, say, being blamed for the murders ruined her entire life, but she was acquitted! Why didn't she kill Lizzie Allen when she was a kid? How did she have the ability to show Lizzie Allen creepy visions about both of their pasts? Why did she spend so much time doing this instead of just killing everyone right away if she's so desperate for revenge? Is she just a jerk like that? Even if she repressed the memory, how could Lizzie Allen possibly not be aware that both her parents were murdered? *Were* both her parents murdered, or was the mom convicted of the one murder and either imprisoned for life or executed? How can a ghost possess a body with a hole through its brain (assuming that's even what the closing shot was supposed to convey)? Why would Lizzie Borden even want to possess Lizzie Allen's corpse? What was the point of the plot twist where Maggie is actually the ghost of the Bordens' maid, or maybe a vision of the Bordens' maid created by Lizzie Borden's ghost somehow for some reason, or... oh, forget it.

On the plus side, the special effects are embarrassingly horrible. I actually mean it; almost every one of the special effects is so bad that it becomes hilarious. In fact, a surprising amount of the dialog and acting is also bad enough that it's enjoyable, all of which provides some much-needed enjoyment to this piece of filth. But ultimately, I can't recommend Lizzie based on how entertainingly incompetent it is, because outside of these moments, the rest of the film is so bad that it moves past the point where it could've been funny and goes back to being completely, irredeemably awful.
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