the_glorious_sob Review of The Fallen Ones

The Fallen Ones (2005 TV Movie)

As seen on Telefutura, this movie coulda been on MST3K if it was still on

[1/10 · 15 November 2012]

I've noticed that a lot of the ridiculous adventure/action films on Telefutura were original TV-movies from what is now Syfy, & that made me wonder if Telefutura & Syfy have some sorta partnership in airing such crap. But nevertheless, "The Fallen Ones" had such numerous errors that it had me riffing, MST3K style. Someday I hope to record this on DVR or perhaps get it on Netflix so I can make my own "iRiffs" & show my work on Rifftrax.com. One particular riff was on how you notice a Native American, policeman, guy in a cowboy hat, guy in hard hat, & even a biker at some point during the movie. Had all five shown up in one scene, they might've been singing "Macho Man." Of course the cast was pretty embarrassing. Remember Casper Van Dien? He was on "Starship Troopers" & "Tarzan & the Lost City." I almost thought he restored his career by dating J. Lo till I learned it's a different Casper. (& I don't mean (Caspar) Weinberger) Yes, Kristen Miller is pretty. That's showbiz, dude! She has to be! Granite, because I didn't recognize this throwaway actress right away, I mistook her for Naomi Watts, Traylor Howard, or Helen Slater; guess which actress sounds the most familiar. & don't forget Robert Wagner. He at least earned some respect from me in his recurring role on "Two & a Half Men" around the time "The Fallen Ones" was made. & finally the late Tom Bosley. As I said, I saw it on Telefutura, so I couldn't hear the bad Hebrew accent other reviewers have mentioned. But if there are other works I want to remember Bosley by, I'd prefer "Father Dowling Mysteries," "The World of David the Gnome," or those SMC commercials on late-night or unpopular TV stations than "The Fallen Ones." Incidentally, Miller plays Angela, the engineer who meets cute w/ Matt & looks hot in that purple outfit while on the slab. I don't wanna sound sexiest, but there ain't too many women who work as engineers so I assume that was just a disposable job description. I was more convinced Denise Richards could be a nuclear scientist in that 007 film. Before I talk about how bad the mummies were, I also gotta bring up the "action." There was one scene where Matt Fletcher (Van Dien) & his sidekick, Mickey, fought the Ammon's thugs, & those thugs were some wussy fighters. & what pestered me was that Mickey's fighting technique was biting his opponents, including him spitting dirt out from biting a mummy, u'no, so it'll make u LOL. I thought he had overdone it when he bit his 2nd opponent, but by the time he bit all of his enemies he was as absurd as someone in a Sat. morning cartoon or a sitcom in Spanish. (& the actor might have been a Brazilian jujitsu champion, but I could be wrong.) & now, the mummies. Why don't I start w/ the "mecha-mummy"? Hey, Angela's an engineer; maybe she built that! By golly! Who else was thinking about "Wild Wild West" (which Telefutura shows occasionally)? The engineering behind the animal-powered gadgets in "The Flintstones" was more practical than that mummy! & I ain't just saying that; the man-powered beast appears for only a few minutes & moseys around until it falls down a ravine. Then there's the ginormous mummy (& the smaller, life-size mummies that spring 4th later on). If the makeup artists appeared in the realty show "Face-Off," I might have some respect. One scene that stuck w/ me was when the monster crushed one (just one!) helicopter. Geez, VanHook, even worse directors managed to fill up screen time w/ stock footage of jet fighters & bombers! Unless, this is his subtle editorial of how slow FEMA is to scary stuff like storms or bigass mummies. Afterward, the mummy throws away the chopper & when it explodes, it apparently had the Fat Man bomb on board as the explosion was noticeably big. & also notice that when he throws boulders @ the heroes, they fall like objects in a video game. I'm not even sure if the ground shook or if there were impact clouds. To summarize, "The Fallen Ones" demonstrates how some directors & writers can concentrate too much on showing a useless variety of mummies that they fail to include not just useful stuff like plot & character development but even stuff typical of B-movies like stock footage of planes. Enjoy for a good laugh. But if you want better SFX, watch a "Lord of the Rings" film (or "The Hobbit" in the near future.)