Metamorphosis (I) (2007)
1/10
Why did I watch this?!
7 August 2011
Warning: Spoilers
This is one of the worst vampire films I have ever seen. The dialogue was so cheesy I practically winced. Some of it didn't make sense. WHY did Christopher Lambert's character (who was British) call Elizabeth Bathory's daughter a tourist while they were IN Hungary? WHY are people able to bleed IN purgatory? What was with the vampire hunter? The main character is what many call a Gary Stu. A Gary Stu is the male equivalent of the Mary Sue, a very flat, two dimensional protagonist designed to be an ideal that the audience members are supposed to relate to. He's the sort of character that is frowned upon in role playing games for being uncreative and contrived.

The more you think about it, the less sense the film made and it over explained simple things like the term clinically dead. This was just bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. This felt like a Syfy original movie, that's how bad it was. I can't even put into words how much I disliked this movie. On the list of bad vampire movies this goes up there with the Twilight films, Dracula 3000, Queen of the damned and the Fright Night remake, just bad.

This was so bad I was tempted to shut it off many times while watching it. It did not make sense. Our "good guy" vampire had wiped out an entire family just because of who they were descended from, it's mentioned repeatedly. But our Gary Stu... I mean hero never questions this or even considers that it might have been wrong to kill innocent people just because of who they were related to or are we just supposed to assume that everyone in Christopher Lambert's character's blood line is evil by default? This film is so bad that not only are the heroes utterly questionable (But apparently it doesn't matter because they're in "lub" yes, I said lub instead of love there) and the Gary Stu completely sympathizes with the poor, misunderstood Blood Countess but also no one working on this film seemed to care about what they were doing.

When the main character wakes up from purgatory (now turned a vampire because he spent too much time in the realm between life and death and would have died completely if he wasn't turned) he was impaled but somehow there was no bloody hole in his jacket. Vampirism heals clothes now? Also why did all of his friends die from being tossed from the car but he was only "clinically dead" for being tossed from the car and imapaled? (He'd have been all right if he had just returned to his body in time but he took too long so she made him a vampire to save him...) If this was a plot in a role playing game I was taking part in I'd have called the person who came up with it stupid.

If you want an interesting vampire romance just go watch Bram Stoker's Dracula. This was awful.
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