Review of Splinter

Splinter (II) (2006)
1/10
Truly awful - avoid at all costs
8 November 2006
I saw this film last night at the Leeds Film Festival and it was dismal. Knowing very little about it, I was hoping for something a bit Cronenberg-esquire, but it became apparent very quickly that it was just a clumsy, plodding rehash of Being John Malkovich. The story involves a couple of scientists watching the thoughts of several people who work in the same building. And at that point the makers obviously ran out of ideas, because the individuals' thoughts are completely uninspired and trite. For the most part their thoughts simply articulate what they're doing at that moment and are no more candid or revealing than a chat in a pub. One character, reading the Sun, grumbles slightly about footballers wages, then leers over a topless model; another character complains to herself that no one ever listens to her; a third gets upset because her coffee mug has gone missing. The film staggers on like this for about an hour and a half before bumping into a horribly clichéd conclusion. I've never walked out of a film, but the last time I was this tempted was when I saw Trial by Jury. And this was worse: I was so bored. The film has no visual flair, no insight into the characters, and nothing happens. It's like a very simplified sitcom version of Being John Malkovich with all the jokes removed.

A surprising number of well-known actors appeared in it. The female scientist and the actor who plays Denzel in Only Fools and Horses were pretty good. It's just a shame they were saddled with such awful roles. Whoever funded this needs a slap.

Finally, I'm stunned by the other hugely positive comments on this film - and suspect that they have been written by members of the production team. How else would someone have seen it four times when it's never been generally released (and never will be). At the time of writing the film has 64 votes, 36 of which are 10s and 14 are 1s. I'll be adding to the 1s.
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