Sometimes when you're watching a movie, you see or hear something - a badly-said line, a stupid joke, a predictable plot "twist" - and think to yourself, "Now is time to consider hitting 'stop'/walking out". Three flags in the first few minutes of this movie that will tell you all you need to hear about Final Examination.
1) "Hugh Janus." The main plot of the movie is a cop (Brent Huff) being transferred to Hawaii as punishment (huh?) for reckless work. In the scene where he's being chewed out by his boss and informed of his transfer, a phone rings. His boss, Hugh Janus, picks it up and answers with his name. Only at this moment to I realize that, as an incredibly sophomoric and pointlessly tasteless jab at humor, he pronounces it 'huge a*us'. Flag 1 goes up.
2) The shower scene.
Meanwhile in Hawaii, a sorority is holding its 5-year reunion at a lovely, extra-expensive-looking hotel (complete with hula girls lounging idly as part of the scenery... I wonder if they get paid to do that...). The movie focuses on several of the girls, whom we meet as they arrive in clumps. Either we never learn their names or they are so forgettable that this is impossible.
So after following a young couple around for a few minutes, during which they strike the viewer as depressingly irritating, we cut to a shower room with a lady about to take a shower. Now, I'm not a hoity toity person at all. I don't mind nudity in movies at all. But let me be frank here: this woman was supposed to be 22 in the movie, but from the gross sagging bags (and I don't mean under her eyes) and the lines on her face, I would place her at 35 or 40, at the YOUNGEST.
So now let's have a shower scene with her rubbing herself in the shower as the camera pans up and down her, er, luscious frame. At first I'm tolerant, just waiting for it to end. By the third straight minute I'm getting uncomfortable. I wind up fast-forwarding, and estimate the whole scene was 10-14 minutes long.
A beautiful girl for one or two minutes? I can deal with that. Heck, I can enjoy it. But an ugly old lady for fifteen minutes? If you're into that sort of thing, check out this movie. Flag number two went up about the time I started fast-forwarding.
3) I yawn three times in the same minute.
So we cut to a boring sex scene with the irritating couple I mentioned earlier. I didn't count this as a flag since it would be redundant after flag 2. Now to her credit, the girl in this scene has nicer breasts than the one in the previous one. But then the scene stretches on. And on. And on. And on. I fast forwarded here, too, and my estimate is also 14-20 minutes. Guy goes to get post-coital bottled water, girl lounges in the pool. Girl is killed. At this point I was so irritated with this girl and this movie that I cheered.
Enter cop from the beginning, with a partner. A few conversations between the cops and the boyfriend, the owner of the hotel, and other girls in the sorority. The 'conversations' are actually hollow droning of insipid lines written by the same hack who had the brilliant idea to have these two 'detectives' wander around the hotel aimlessly, playing boring-cop/boring-cop with sorority girls, rather than split up to cover more ground.
Right about the time I realize this, I also realize I just yawned three times in the same minute. Flag numero tres goes up, and I hit 'stop'. Well, so much for that.
If you want a good movie out of Artisan Entertainment... you're out of luck, as it seems their only skill is promoting the worst directors on the market. If you must watch something from them, see "House of the Dead", directed by Uwe Boll. It's on my top ten list of "funny movies that were actually MEANT to be horror", along with "Jeepers Creepers". This one might have made that list, if it hadn't bored me to tears before I could get through the first twenty minutes.
1) "Hugh Janus." The main plot of the movie is a cop (Brent Huff) being transferred to Hawaii as punishment (huh?) for reckless work. In the scene where he's being chewed out by his boss and informed of his transfer, a phone rings. His boss, Hugh Janus, picks it up and answers with his name. Only at this moment to I realize that, as an incredibly sophomoric and pointlessly tasteless jab at humor, he pronounces it 'huge a*us'. Flag 1 goes up.
2) The shower scene.
Meanwhile in Hawaii, a sorority is holding its 5-year reunion at a lovely, extra-expensive-looking hotel (complete with hula girls lounging idly as part of the scenery... I wonder if they get paid to do that...). The movie focuses on several of the girls, whom we meet as they arrive in clumps. Either we never learn their names or they are so forgettable that this is impossible.
So after following a young couple around for a few minutes, during which they strike the viewer as depressingly irritating, we cut to a shower room with a lady about to take a shower. Now, I'm not a hoity toity person at all. I don't mind nudity in movies at all. But let me be frank here: this woman was supposed to be 22 in the movie, but from the gross sagging bags (and I don't mean under her eyes) and the lines on her face, I would place her at 35 or 40, at the YOUNGEST.
So now let's have a shower scene with her rubbing herself in the shower as the camera pans up and down her, er, luscious frame. At first I'm tolerant, just waiting for it to end. By the third straight minute I'm getting uncomfortable. I wind up fast-forwarding, and estimate the whole scene was 10-14 minutes long.
A beautiful girl for one or two minutes? I can deal with that. Heck, I can enjoy it. But an ugly old lady for fifteen minutes? If you're into that sort of thing, check out this movie. Flag number two went up about the time I started fast-forwarding.
3) I yawn three times in the same minute.
So we cut to a boring sex scene with the irritating couple I mentioned earlier. I didn't count this as a flag since it would be redundant after flag 2. Now to her credit, the girl in this scene has nicer breasts than the one in the previous one. But then the scene stretches on. And on. And on. And on. I fast forwarded here, too, and my estimate is also 14-20 minutes. Guy goes to get post-coital bottled water, girl lounges in the pool. Girl is killed. At this point I was so irritated with this girl and this movie that I cheered.
Enter cop from the beginning, with a partner. A few conversations between the cops and the boyfriend, the owner of the hotel, and other girls in the sorority. The 'conversations' are actually hollow droning of insipid lines written by the same hack who had the brilliant idea to have these two 'detectives' wander around the hotel aimlessly, playing boring-cop/boring-cop with sorority girls, rather than split up to cover more ground.
Right about the time I realize this, I also realize I just yawned three times in the same minute. Flag numero tres goes up, and I hit 'stop'. Well, so much for that.
If you want a good movie out of Artisan Entertainment... you're out of luck, as it seems their only skill is promoting the worst directors on the market. If you must watch something from them, see "House of the Dead", directed by Uwe Boll. It's on my top ten list of "funny movies that were actually MEANT to be horror", along with "Jeepers Creepers". This one might have made that list, if it hadn't bored me to tears before I could get through the first twenty minutes.