Uwe Boll's name is synonymous with the words "hack", "moron", "incompetent director", "horrible," the list goes on and on. His American theatrical movies have been this, and House of the Dead, another video game based movie. House of the Dead was universally panned, so naturally, this was too. But I have to admit, Uwe Boll's movies are a pile of garbage that smells and tastes like deep fried chicken: It's garbage, but it's good at the same time.
Alone in the Dark stars Christian Slater as Edward Carnby, a guy who's a paranormal investigator. His girlfriend is played by Tara Reid, and get this....wait, wait for it....she's an archaeologist. I mean, already anybody who reads that Tara was cast as an archaeologist has to give the director some credit for making such a weird, crazy casting decision. But, from what I could decipher from it's odd nonsensical plot, they both have to like....I don't even really know what they have to do. I do know that they have a key that opens something evil, there's a bullet-proof monster that attacks in the dark, there's a huge division of paranormal investigators (I didn't know they had those in real life!), and a crazy old guy who wants to, yes, you guessed it, conquer the world with these monsters. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Yes, it is....and it makes for one stupid, hilarious, entertaining movie.
Getting into the acting for Alone in the Dark would be the same as trying to explain why a fish would die if it were taken out of water: Completely pointless, because we all know what happens. So, the acting is horrible. But it's so horrible, it's hilarious. The only movie I remember Christian Slater being in, at least one that I've seen, is Broken Arrow. That movie was pretty cool, and I didn't care for the acting. He doesn't do a bad job with the material he's given in here, but Tara Reid as an archaeologist .now that's something to see. She looks so out of place as her character, and she looks like she has no idea what she's talking about, and that just makes the movie so much better and so much funnier. Stephen Dorff has done some good acting jobs in the past: Deuces Wild was pretty cool, Blade was the most awesome movie ever made, but Cold Creek Manor, like Alone in the Dark, was funny and horrible, but somehow good because of that. But whatever. In here, he plays an agent and ex-friend of Carnby, and at one point in the movie (near the end), Dorff's character learns something that makes him angry. So, in one of the funniest parts of the movie, Dorff gets angry, yells, and kicks over a table. I quietly laughed. I'm not sure if it was because it was so laughably ridiculous, or because it was too intense for my feeble mind to comprehend. I'm gonna go with the latter.
Now, I've basically been bashing the movie, so I'm guessing, you, the reader, are probably asking the computer screen, "Dude, why did you give it an 8 if you're bashing it?" I'll tell you why: The movie has one cool scene where the agents are shooting the monster in the dark, and the room is lit up by all the gun flashes or whatever, and you could see the monster for just a split second. Now, this scene is cool, but the rock music they play during it is what I'm not too fond of. It's some weird song I've never heard of, so naturally, I'm thinking, "This scene would be cool if there was some Gwar music in the background." But it's forgiven. The scene was cool and entertaining. The other action scenes are entertaining as well, but really, it's a team effort in a sense. The action scenes combined with the movie's horridness really make it a true piece of entertainment.
This movie is entertaining, just because it's so bad and funny. I enjoyed House of the Dead, but House of the Dead had something that this movie really didn't: More gratuitous nudity, and more blood. Alone has some blood, but not much, but sadly, it has no gratuitous nudity, so I have to take a point or two away.
I can't wait for Uwe's next movie, Bloodrayne. I hope this guy keeps making movies, because they just keep getting stupider and stupider, and more entertaining. Plus, seeing how mad people get over these movies is absolutely priceless. His movies are entertaining, but Alone in the Dark was missing just a few things: Gratuitous nudity, blood and gore, and some Gwar tunes, and for missing those, I have to deduct a few points. In Bloodrayne, it's already said that there's lesbians and nudity in it, and naturally, there's gonna be blood. Hopefully in that movie, they put in some Gwar tracks. But until then, I can only hope...
Score: 8 out of 10! No joke!
Alone in the Dark stars Christian Slater as Edward Carnby, a guy who's a paranormal investigator. His girlfriend is played by Tara Reid, and get this....wait, wait for it....she's an archaeologist. I mean, already anybody who reads that Tara was cast as an archaeologist has to give the director some credit for making such a weird, crazy casting decision. But, from what I could decipher from it's odd nonsensical plot, they both have to like....I don't even really know what they have to do. I do know that they have a key that opens something evil, there's a bullet-proof monster that attacks in the dark, there's a huge division of paranormal investigators (I didn't know they had those in real life!), and a crazy old guy who wants to, yes, you guessed it, conquer the world with these monsters. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Yes, it is....and it makes for one stupid, hilarious, entertaining movie.
Getting into the acting for Alone in the Dark would be the same as trying to explain why a fish would die if it were taken out of water: Completely pointless, because we all know what happens. So, the acting is horrible. But it's so horrible, it's hilarious. The only movie I remember Christian Slater being in, at least one that I've seen, is Broken Arrow. That movie was pretty cool, and I didn't care for the acting. He doesn't do a bad job with the material he's given in here, but Tara Reid as an archaeologist .now that's something to see. She looks so out of place as her character, and she looks like she has no idea what she's talking about, and that just makes the movie so much better and so much funnier. Stephen Dorff has done some good acting jobs in the past: Deuces Wild was pretty cool, Blade was the most awesome movie ever made, but Cold Creek Manor, like Alone in the Dark, was funny and horrible, but somehow good because of that. But whatever. In here, he plays an agent and ex-friend of Carnby, and at one point in the movie (near the end), Dorff's character learns something that makes him angry. So, in one of the funniest parts of the movie, Dorff gets angry, yells, and kicks over a table. I quietly laughed. I'm not sure if it was because it was so laughably ridiculous, or because it was too intense for my feeble mind to comprehend. I'm gonna go with the latter.
Now, I've basically been bashing the movie, so I'm guessing, you, the reader, are probably asking the computer screen, "Dude, why did you give it an 8 if you're bashing it?" I'll tell you why: The movie has one cool scene where the agents are shooting the monster in the dark, and the room is lit up by all the gun flashes or whatever, and you could see the monster for just a split second. Now, this scene is cool, but the rock music they play during it is what I'm not too fond of. It's some weird song I've never heard of, so naturally, I'm thinking, "This scene would be cool if there was some Gwar music in the background." But it's forgiven. The scene was cool and entertaining. The other action scenes are entertaining as well, but really, it's a team effort in a sense. The action scenes combined with the movie's horridness really make it a true piece of entertainment.
This movie is entertaining, just because it's so bad and funny. I enjoyed House of the Dead, but House of the Dead had something that this movie really didn't: More gratuitous nudity, and more blood. Alone has some blood, but not much, but sadly, it has no gratuitous nudity, so I have to take a point or two away.
I can't wait for Uwe's next movie, Bloodrayne. I hope this guy keeps making movies, because they just keep getting stupider and stupider, and more entertaining. Plus, seeing how mad people get over these movies is absolutely priceless. His movies are entertaining, but Alone in the Dark was missing just a few things: Gratuitous nudity, blood and gore, and some Gwar tunes, and for missing those, I have to deduct a few points. In Bloodrayne, it's already said that there's lesbians and nudity in it, and naturally, there's gonna be blood. Hopefully in that movie, they put in some Gwar tracks. But until then, I can only hope...
Score: 8 out of 10! No joke!