Duveteux Reviews

Insidious: The Red Door (2023)

Squirmed in my seat

[7/10 · 8 July 2023]

My criticism is that this instalment is a little too serious for an Insidious film. The films have always felt a bit like an inside joke to me, as the first was a parody of Poltergeist. The themes in this one are trauma, mental illness, and depression and it is heavier and even grainier to show that they're no longer kidding.

However, in the cinema at least it was an incredibly intense watch. I was squirming in my seat. All of the jumpscares made me jump, the tension was built adequately without being ludicrous like the former films (which I like by the way! But it was a nice change of pace). And there are some jokes and some comic relief.

It's a really solid debut from Patrick. He's learned a lot of great tricks and has somehow left out the gimmicks (Insidious is just a gimmick though so again I return to it feeling a bit too serious).

The ending isn't what I wanted it to be without any spoilers. I know the entire film is based around Josh reconciling with Dalton but it did lack emotion without any real sense of peril. It all seemed a bit easy towards the end.

I liked it! It's a good film.

Evil Dead Rise (2023)

A good film but my least favourite Evil Dead

[7/10 · 24 April 2023]

The 2013 remake did a decent job of reimagining Evil Dead as a "proper horror" film (omitting the humour, which I do love but that does detract from the films being truly horrific). I thought this instalment was going for more serious horror too by the trailer.

I mean someone gets scalped and someone else gets their leg cheese grated in the trailer, so I expected there to be scenes that were hard to watch. Unfortunately, both moments from the trailer are a bit understated in the film. The scalped girl just wanders off without her scalp, and the cheese grater is only grazed against the top layer of skin... I expected the deadite to go ham and viciously grate away at god speed! I didn't expect the victim to have a calf left! So, although I'm not keen on being disturbed, there were times I wish they'd taken it further like the 2013 one which is very uncomfortable to watch.

The mother is an excellent zombie. Her whole vibe is fab. Though I do miss the milky pink eyes of the original deadites... "What happened to her eyes!?" Trapping the mother in the hallway and using the peep hole on the apartment door is a great play on trapping the deadite in the cellar via the trap door, too! I thought it was really cool. There are certainly moments I enjoyed thoroughly.

Evil Dead is one of the most referenced horror films but this film references other films. The triangular cabin in reference to Midsommar and the blood-filled elevator from The Shining (that I didn't even really care for in The Shining). It even references itself by having a few familiar lines, "I'll swallow your soul" and "dead by dawn", which aren't delivered in a way I'd have hoped they might, but I appreciate the nod.

There was a missed film reference opportunity when she distracts the mother mutant away from the small blond child at the end and doesn't say, "get away from her, you b--ch"!

I'm not keen on the pregnancy storyline which I feel has been done before. The whole horror situation makes a woman who believes she's a failure realise she's keeping her baby afterall and that she might not make such a bad mother... It's not very nuanced for a modern horror. It isn't elevated or socially conscious like a lot of brilliant new horror films.

I'll watch it again someday and I may like it more but my initial response is that it's a *good* film but it's not very special.

The Evil Dead 9/10, Evil Dead 2 10/10, Army of Darkness 8/10, Evil Dead (2013) 9/10, Evil Dead Rise therefore... 7/10.

Skinamarink (2022)

Tapped into my 90s childhood fears

[8/10 · 26 February 2023]

I can totally see why this wouldn't appeal to some people, but I think the reviews that say nothing happens are unfair. Quite a bit happens, and there are some genuinely creepy scenes and sights and I felt tense and it got to me.

I grew up in the 90s and I still own the same VHS tape that the kids are watching (The Cobweb Hotel is a 1936 cartoon and yet for some reason it was clearly prominent in kids lives in the 90s!) in the film which added something for me! It tapped into some genuine childhood fears I had. My parents going missing and something lurking in the darkness were certainly high up on my list of the most horrifying things.

I'm not one of those people that needs things neatly tied up for me. I'm quite happy with a bit of obscurity and some things left up to my own imagination and left for me to decipher, but I get that not everyone appreciates that either.

Our Flag Means Death (2022–2023)

I'm joining the hype

[9/10 · 11 January 2023]

I came as a fan of anything Rhys and Taika have done before (and hoping for a Jemaine cameo) but truly this is unlike anything they've done before and I don't think you'd have to be a fan of anything previous to like this. (There's no Jemaine cameo, minus one point!).

I also came for a queer pirate love story and boy did this deliver in a surprising way. Maybe the best thing about it is that there is no erotic element to the love Stede and Ed develop onscreen - not that I wouldn't want to see Rhys and Taika in an erotic embrace! But the absence of lust makes this quite a rare depiction of gay love on screen. It's really beautiful and the viewer is just witnessing two people realise over the series they ultimately just need each other to be happy and that's just doggarn adorable.

Comedy wise I agree with some reviews that the comediens are not used to their best abilities. It's not side splitting, but it is still thoroughly entertaining.

I am really nervous having read the true story of Stede Bonnet what a second series would bring... I'd love for there to be one and would also hate for it to be too close to the truth. I hope if there is one it goes further down the route of fancy and also allows a beautiful gay love story to have an even rarer happy ending.

Glass Onion (2022)

No.

[5/10 · 29 December 2022]

Sorry but "she had a twin" is on par with "it was all a dream" as twists go. Lazy writing. I know the theme was that the bad guy was too dumb for the murder to be clever but what kind of excuse is that in a murder mystery?

I checked out when the twin was revealed but the rest was indeed predictable as others have said. It's a film where if you paid attention to what people are saying (also lazy writing if you have to lace the plot with foreshadowing like "there's no pineapple in that is there?") you can work it out and that isn't pleasing for me. That's disappointing.

Some funny moments. But the characters are no way near as good as the first film.

How is someone someone's partner at work and never mentions a twin?

No.

Hocus Pocus 2 (2022)

More mischief please!

[6/10 · 1 October 2022]

Watched this with my mum and she said "I was hoping they were going to cause more mischief" and I think that sums it up.

The three witches all come back with the same presence they had before (I disagree that any of them are weaker than they were previously, I just don't think they had the material to go on - I think it shows that they're all happy to be back), but the film just isn't good enough for them/doesn't do them justice. Nothing actually happens... With a better story and script they'd have slayed again.

I was hoping they might even go darker than before but it felt watered down. There are some comical moments but no particularly threatening moments and no mischief!

I was only five when the original came out and I had two best friends. We watched Hocus Pocus every Halloween and I was Winnie. The film did traumatise me a bit, the Emily Binx soul sucking and the cat death (though it was mean to be a positive thing/Thackery moving on) made me cry every time. Although it was never a scary film, it was sinister enough. They'll always be my witches.

Nope (2022)

Second best Peele film (to me)

[8/10 · 15 August 2022]

I really like Get Out, but I was disappointed by Us - I went in presuming Us would be my bag, and though the premise is great, there were just too many loose ends for me and I found it frustrating -, so I didn't go in to Nope with great expectations. I went in with an open mind, though.

Nope is not as good as Get Out, but is better than Us, in that despite the fact it has a few loose ends it does have a narrative that follows and makes sense. Sure it's about aliens, so it's not going to make PERFECT sense, but in its own context it does.

Personally, I was engaged throughout the film. It covers a few genres (horror, comedy, sci-fi, even Western-ish!) but to me it's a comedy horror which is my favourite genre. The comedy moments are funny. The scary moments aren't horrifically scary, but there is some fantastic imagery and tension.

As for the alien. What can you do with aliens without copying what has been done before? Well, Nope's alien is a unique design, which has to earn it credit. The alien's "motive" is also unique, I believe, so Peele has done all he can to deliver something fresh.

The Gordy's Home side story doesn't have anything to do with the alien/main storyline except to serve as a comparison, because the alien is animalistic and the chimp is an animal. I did think they might make more of Yeun's character, but it's a cool side story as long as you don't get hung up on it.

The film isn't half as weird as some people are making it out to be, ultimately. It has a coherent narrative - brother and sister are trying to catch evidence of alien life, which is hovering in a cloud above their property and spooking/eating their horses at night, to make some money because their family business is failing, and it backfires inevitably causing chaos until a final "fight" scene and conclusion.

It Chapter Two (2019)

King's realm

[9/10 · 7 September 2019]

This recent incarnation of It is not scary, but I still love both films regardless. They feel really true to the 80s/90s adaptations of King, which are indefinitely flawed and stray from the origin stories, as well, and arguably they are not very scary, either...

There is a massive preference for humour over scares in the second instalment, which I actually think is a wise move. It starts off uncomfortable and dark with the homophobic attack from the book and you think It has also come of age and that the film will be more adult in theme, but as soon as the Losers are back together you also feel like you're in the company of friends again. It becomes, like the first film, a story of friendship and overcoming personal demons rather than a horror story.

I was worried the adult cast would ruin the warm feelings I had for the Losers, because the kids were so great. I would only question Mike's portrayal which is unhinged and considering he plays the pivotal role in the book as the narrator, he comes across like he's just lost his mind in this film and he's the least likeable or noticeable character... The book gives the black guy the ONLY voice for once by making him the narrator and that is completely diminished in this film, which I do have a problem with. Derry is a rotten and prejudiced place, regardless of whether the clown has an influence over that or is to blame for that (I don't believe It is the cause, I think King was commenting on the evil in humanity and the clown just takes advantage of the fear we create in our own communities) and it's important to keep that at the forefront. It is always going to be relevant.

It feels like the same kind of production as Christine and Thinner and Dreamcatcher and Stand By Me and Creepshow and the original Pet Sematary. And the King cameo helps this film feel like it's a nostalgic, warm and familiar place to be, too. We are back in Maine and back in King's bizarre and surreal realm where let's face it, even if It was a perfect adaptation of the book, everyone would still exit the cinema with similar questions!

Annabelle Comes Home (2019)

Just a deleted scene, not a film

[14 July 2019]

People seem to be thinking too much about this film, but I found there was no need to think at all! It's not a film because it has no plot. The people we care about are already established and the others that appear in this are extras with too much screen time. It's like a really long deleted scene from a film, and most of it (while they're in the house, so 90% of it) could be shot in real time. I felt like I was watching an extended scene on the extras of one of The Conjuring films. It wouldn't be terrible as a cut scene, it's an enjoyable scene to feature as an extra, but as a movie it does feel very very extended!

The whole point is just to introduce you to a couple more needless baddies from the Warrens' room of haunted artefacts. That's it. We now know about the Ferryman (why the Ferryman, I don't get it) and the werewolf in Essex and some haunted bridal gown, all of which will inevitably return in another film. We still don't know anything about the samurai or the monkey or the piano and TV of evil(!), let alone why the board game has anything to do with anything, so I dunno why they bothered getting involved. Not even Annabelle held her own and if she was only just appearing in this movie for the first time she'd be totally forgettable alongside these other needless baddies.

Was the Ferryman really a case for the Warrens?? I thought he was just the dude who takes you to the other side when you die, I had no clue he was meant to be a baddie of any sort... Who gets haunted by the boatman that only gets called by you being dead and needing to ferry your soul to the afterlife (if someone's remembered to leave the fare on your eyes)? It's like being haunted by the Grim Reaper. It makes no sense.

(Final Destination is kind of like being haunted by the Grim Reaper, but those souls were meant to have been reaped and so he had been called to reap them, so that makes sense. The Ferryman has no business ferrying them what he has not been called to ferry, nor been paid to ferry. Weird!)

Us (II) (2019)

Why couldn't it have been spider people?

[6/10 · 4 April 2019]

I actually think a far less complicated plot like spider people and developing that hint at the beginning that spiders have some involvement would have been much easier to pull off! 1. It'd explain why they live off raw rabbit. I don't even buy that rabbits symbolise test subjects and that's the reason for that random nugget, just WHY?? 2. Why they survive doing c-sections on themselves without any medical help - cause if they are "only human like us" then what the hell? 3. Why they move in a particularly agile way and seem to scuttle about. 4. Why they live in the potentially very spooky tunnels scuttling away under America without the "it's all the government/a big conspiracy" excuse. That excuse isn't actually explained enough to be a justifiable reason why it was happening. It doesn't even criticise the human condition or America like you might expect, it just throws that out there and leaves it as it is. We're just supposed to accept it being those pesky government folks again doing darstardly deeds. Dah. Those guys..! Even the idea of them being "shadow people" instead of text subjects, is much better. When the woman says "once upon a time there was a girl and she had a shadow" I thought the idea of shadow people had a lot of potential, as well. Why were they trying to control human kind with doubles? Who knows? But also by the end, who cares? There's just too many loose ends and something simple would have needed far less justification than this mess needed. Sometimes you have to go with the plot that just offers better scares than be overly ambitious and fall at the hurdles.

I didn't hate it, I just, like so many, wanted to like it.

It (I) (2017)

Who says Pennywise cannot be otherwise?

[9/10 · 1 October 2017]

I think a lot of people dive out of cinemas angry and review things before they've had a breather and a think and sometimes a re-viewing can help quell that immediate HATE reaction.

I've seen this new IT twice in the cinema because I really wanted to come to terms with what I wasn't happy with and what I was happy with before ranting or approving.

I did not like Pennywise as soon as he appeared in this movie the first time I saw it. I was cynical and thought Bill's portrayal was a bit silly and bizarre and not at all charming or funny like Curry.

I went away a little grumpy, mostly because of the missing lines. When IT is in the fridge I'd have suppressed a little happy squeal if he'd said "This is a little inconvenient, Eddie, just hold on while I make a few... adjustments", it was teasing us that it would be the case when he was tapping his fingers, just teeeasing us!! Or if the sink had gurgled "you'll die if you try". Good God, he didn't even say the infamous line, "Oh yes, Georgie, they float, and down here with me... you'll float too!" He DOES say "beep beep Ritchie", and although I was pleased this line actually made me think maybe it's a good thing he didn't say the rest because I'm not sure those charismatic, confident, cocky lines are well suited to this new interpretation of the clown.

Bill may not be charismatic, but there's almost something interestingly naive about the chuckling baby faced clown in the gutter. Something child-like. Something I can see would attract the kids equally well as being charismatic and funny. And the contrast between the baby faced gutter clown and the later deformed by pole through face and menacingly tall and drooling kitchen scene clown gives a good comparative perspective on the manipulative shape shifting monster. Take a look at a picture of the gutter clown opposed to the clown poised to pounce at Ritchie on the coffin lid online and it's actually quite a cool transformation from careful, hidden predator to something all encompassing, evil and powerful.

I'd actually say Bill's portrayal is more like a monster posing as a human than Curry's is, because he tries to be human and never quite gets there! He seems more animal, more like a hyena that has learned to mock us. Those wonky eyes, that baffling ill-defined voice - both age and gender are undefined at times. He is consistently strange and "other", and that is fitting. Could say he's a bit alien (nudge nudge).

So yeah, I like this interpretation, too. It's new. That doesn't have to be sacrilege.

Am I a Millennial? I was born in 1988 and I was scared of Curry's Pennywise as a child of around 8-10 when I first saw it, like a lot of "original" fans. I like the first adaptation although it isn't scary to me anymore, Curry's acting is still brilliant. I do not think I'm blinkered by the Millennial generation's tastes at all. I don't think it's a generational issue.

The reason this film changed the dates from the 50s to the 80s was purely to make the year the next film comes out as close to the true date, implying Pennywise has re-awoken from his 27 year slumber in real time (or approximately). It isn't something that's done to appeal to the Stranger Things fans, but is trying to be clever in bringing IT to life today. The original adaptation would have been set proximate to the modern day at the time just coincidentally, so why not do the same with this one by bringing it forward? Not so much harm in that.

As an aside I was very surprised reading someone on here thinking IT is a remake of Stranger Things. Stranger Things is deliberately borrowing a lot from already existent horror, including IT. It isn't a coincidence that is has similarities and it is meant to be like IT. It is a multiple homage.

Anyway.

IT is not scary. No. I will have no sleepless nights. And I am a horror fan. But I am also just a fan of good movies. This is just good fun, if you don't have to be so precious.

It doesn't have to be like the original, and it is a little bit like the book, like how the original was only a bit like the book.

Neither adaptation IS the book. And thank God for that cause King is a terribly verbose and slightly pervy writer and he spoils the comparative innocence captured in both adaptations that makes the children so likable.

Aside from the orgy, I'm not sure anyone would take to the leper chasing Eddie around offering him a BJ like he does in the book, either. Let's just admit some of that book needs to stay in the book! You don't have to be born in the 90s or dislike horror to enjoy it, and I'm still Team Curry if it ever came down to a Pennywise-off, because that man is just terrifying dressed as a clown and delivers those lines so charmingly.

I also appreciate that they gave the kids license to make the characters their own and don't necessarily "act the part", I think they all work well. No one, I don't think, is denying that the kids do a great job. I just wanted to put my penny's worth in for the clown.

This Is Jinsy (2010– )

You Already Know If Your Heart Belongs To Jinsy

[10/10 · 25 May 2014]

The reason most people who watch Jinsy will think it's genius is because nobody watches it under any illusions of its content - you know it's ludicrous, surreal and childish before seeing it and if you know that's your kind of humour then this will always tickle you terrifically in the tenderness of your titter pouch.

It is Monty Python/Goodies. People say The Goodies is a children's version of Monty Python's surrealist humour - Jinsy is the Island lovechild of their humour. It's like a place in the world where this humour sadly got put in a cardboard box over 30 odd years and has lost what little there was left of its mind and has recently been found and unboxed to confuddle and delight us all once again.

It is adult, although it never swears (unless you are native to Jinsy in which case it's terribly crass and appalling language), and it is just two very childish writers/actors/friends having a lot of silly fun with nonsense ideas that a seven year old could spin off high on sugar.

I envy them massively.

With a guest list involving so many brilliant people as well, it's just got the parrapawow-pop on top of the pong-shwing of swell. It's no low budget attempt at low logic laughs.

American Horror Story (2011– )

Vote is for Asylum Only!

[10/10 · 9 February 2014]

First season fair, second season on the nail, third season just OK.

After the first season which I only watched half-heartedly and found a bit silly I wasn't expecting much from the second but was blown away by it. It didn't care. It went to all the dark places you don't want to go and it made it meaningful with Sister Jude's story being such an engaging drama throughout.

It never stopped plunging the depths of human misery!

I even loved the Monsignor as the secret enabler of all evil, Sister Mary Eunice as both the virgin and the devil, Farmer Hoggett as a Nazi (though the opportunity for a "that'll do pig" was constantly wasted) and Lovejoy as a convincingly disturbing rapist! They were all brilliant.

The only thing it could have done without is the aliens and maybe Kit and his girlfriends altogether didn't need to be there. But then the ending for Jude wouldn't have been quite as sweet and the identity of Leather Face *cough* I meant Bloody Face of course, wouldn't have been as obscure.

Again in The Coven I found Kyle and his girlfriends a meaningless storyline and he didn't really need to be in it at all - My God, the part where Zoe's hell is "me and Kyle breaking up over and over again", seriously???!! Hell in the second season was a far greater reality on this plane than they make it seem in The Coven. Just pathetic whingey 13 year old versions of hell...

Madame LaLaurie only would have been successful if she'd never changed and hadn't become so weak. She should have been doing what she did in the attic of the house throughout. She's played by the woman who gave the word Misery new meaning! She didn't even end up overpowering Fiona in her murderous intent, though. I wanted to love Fiona because I had such respect for the actress after Jude, but it just felt like she'd already made her mark and was just there cause everyone would be like "where is she!?" if she hadn't been Supreme.

The ending was anti-climactic. I expected Madison had possessed Zoe when she died at exactly the same time Zoe came back to life and thought Queenie was going to come through as the true Supreme when it was revealed - because if Madison had possessed Zoe it would prove Cordelia didn't actually succeed in bringing Zoe back - thus proving a flaw in her powers that meant she couldn't be Supreme. If Queenie had been Supreme then Voodoo and Witches would have combined for an all-powerful race that obliterates the extremity of differences there were between them in the past AND giving us all a valuable lesson...

The witch hunter company... meh... reminded me of when Angel became a little dull and overthought with Wolfram and Hart at the core of everything.

My favourite Coven member was Nan bar none.

So many flaws and I did SO want to love it, because Asylum is my favourite modern day horror series. I give AHS a ten though because I can't deduct points due to loving Asylum so much!

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

Much Improved

[10/10 · 9 February 2014]

I'm a cynic, I saw this movie with no expectations. I said "let's rent Insidious 2 just because we watch all horror movies no matter how bad and this is the only one we haven't seen yet".

I genuinely dislike the first.

I disagree with the top review that if you liked the first you'll like the second - it is true, but that's just a given! Blatant remark. But if you DIDN'T like the first I think you'll find the second makes up for some of the disappointment.

I went away from the first just a bit bemused. I think it was the fact what you don't see is scarier to me than what you do and this movie seemed to want to show you the demon without living up to any expectations. If you're going to reveal something that's ominously lurking in the shadows it's a brave move and you have to match the fear of when it couldn't be seen... I found the whole thing anti-climactic and I swore off seeing the second before I knew it was going to be made.

The second however has actually entertained me throughout. I cannot lie. It's still not funny where it's supposed to be and they still reveal too much of the shadow lurkers, but it's compensated by a much better story and pace. It feels more like a horror movie instead of a joke...

The Lone Ranger (2013)

Go Without Expectations

[6/10 · 18 August 2013]

I have grown weary of Depp's samey quirky routines. I used to be a fan, right up until his piece de la resistance Pirates of the Caribbean. From then on I've squirmed at his roles. Sweeney Todd, Willy Wonka, The Mad Hatter, even the return of him as Hunter S Thompson.. taking into account his first rendition made it one of my favourite films... but nope.

I didn't even like Jack Sparrow past the second film.

So I went against my gut to see this movie after the advert just looked like he's playing the same old "aren't I so weird and silly" character in new scenery... And he is! Seems like he's under contractual obligation by Disney and Burton to always remain the same.

But it isn't as bad as I expected...

It is Pirates of the Caribbean in the wild West. The characters and plot are very similar, with smelly ugly rotten meanies and shiny toothed American do-gooder who teams up with convict to bring justice and save the girl he fancies from the clutches of previously mentioned meanies... Yes, quite quite similar.

Not a quarter as good as Pirates of the Caribbean, which I saw as a teen four times in the cinema. It's certainly not worth writing off, though... I can't see why there's so much animosity towards this movie.

It is a bit long and a bit depressing. Not a single Native American we meet lives apart from Tonto. It is pretty brutal in that respect and maybe there aren't enough good laughs to lighten it. Some of the silly Depp moments are cringe-worthy as I expected, like when he puts the bird cage on his head... eeuugh

Still, no need to condemn it. I give it 6 out of 10, it's certainly watchable and though I won't be going back to watch it in the cinema or raving about it I can imagine when it comes out on a TV channel in the future I will watch it again.

The World's End (2013)

Blanking good

[8/10 · 16 August 2013]

If Hot Fuzz is a 10, Shaun of the Dead a 9, then World's End is an 8. It isn't as brilliant as Hot Fuzz which I can watch time and time again and still need to watch through till the end. It isn't quite as touching or well executed as Shaun of the Dead, though it does have its warming moments.

I'm not entirely sure the end is as good as it could have been.

It is a good end to the trilogy, though. I like how they've switched around the friendship between Pegg and Frost this time, so Pegg is the idiot who's more likely to get himself killed and Frost is the sensible one who cares, too much, in spite of all the let downs. I almost expected it to stay the same and wondered how they'd almost kill Frost this time!

I've always been a Pegg fan, since Big Train, he can't do much wrong by me. But I've tried to be as critical as possible considering I was so happy just to see the guys back in action. Best thing that could have been released this summer for me and I think any other fan will feel the same.

Alan Partridge (2013)

Cowabunga. If you're a fan, you will still be

[10/10 · 16 August 2013]

Can't say I agree with the top review on here, though. I took my mum who is NOT a fan and she still isn't! I warned her if you don't like Alan, you're not likely to like him on a bigger screen, either. She only had the opinion "he could have been funnier"... not to me.

I had to suppress a giggle in the cinema at one point because if I'd started I wouldn't have stopped and I haven't laughed at a film in the cinema for a long time.

It's very much only for people who think Alan is hilarious normally, because it's a feature length episode where Alan gets to live out his wet dream of being an action hero/successful broadcaster. Of course he accomplishes it in a typically and perfectly awkward and embarrassingly Alan way.

Only Alan could see a siege as an opportunity to up his career. But he does prove he has a conscience.....eventually. A poignant moment.

It translates so easily onto the big screen, it doesn't need anything more than what it is. I am so glad there have been two British comedians back in the cinema this summer or I might have gone mad.

The only thing - I wish there'd been more Michael/Alan conversation. Class.

Evil Dead (2013)

Heather and Alessa?

[7/10 · 13 August 2013]

I liked the film. I'm a deadite and I love the original, the original is still far scarier (if the original is 10 out of 10 then this is a 7) and I was waiting for bits like the cellar scene to be far creepier. I expected some insane giggling and a character called Linda who just won't die! I was genuinely waiting when all the girls introduced themselves for one to say Linda. But I liked this as a separate movie... and it has some nods in the direction of original fans.

The thing I had a problem with that I can't escape is that it is Silent Hill in parts. Even the siren sound has been stolen in the end battle. Sure it's a lot better than the Silent Hill film featuring the Heather and Alessa battle, good God Silent Hill movie is absolute rubbish in every way, so this is done better! In essence it's been nicked. It had the uncomfortable reminder of Silent Hill right from the moment "the abomination" first appears to our protagonist in the woods.

I understand most horror movies steal things from others, but it was the siren that made me think "nah you can't take that as well" and unfortunately I can't forgive it.

I think the lines should have just stayed the same instead of changing ever so slightly, they could have just used the originals, like the song mummy used to sing them to sleep with... on a sidenote why was "not another peep, time to go to sleep" cut from the movie, cause it's in the advert? And why is it "I'll feast on your soul" when I was dying for "I'll swallow your soul" or "dead by dawn" or "we want what is yours, life!", anything! No levitation! Naaaay! I did miss Raimi bits.

They did make it more about "a demon" than I cared for and I don't like the new necronomicon with it's silly scrawlings of foul language to stop you reading it... I'm also a little sad that daylight doesn't rid you of possession! But this is all irrelevant because in itself it's a good horror movie. Just try not to think of anything you loved about the original and try to ignore the Silent Hill undertone. Good, good...

P.S. my favourite bit in the new one is the blonde girl's possession, from the hand to her death. To me her name was Linda.

The Conjuring (2013)

Why Did I Fall For The Trap?

[6/10 · 7 August 2013]

I always do this. I see a film get 10 out of 10 and people rave about it being terrifying and I get my hopes up like maybe this will be completely different to what's out there right now. Maybe it will be a good ghost story, a good classic horror I'll lose sleep over or will repeat itself in my mind on the night bus home until I become paranoid of every dark figure on the street.

I remember the day I came home on a night bus scared to look out of the window cause even my own reflection might change into the face of another! You know what? It's been so long since that day I don't remember what that feels like anymore.

It's OK, I'll give it 6 out of 10. The last half an hour is better than the first hour. There's nothing in it we haven't seen before in the past few years.

I don't see the point of the doll possessed by a demon when it does nothing scary and is far too farcical to be considered scary. A creepy doll could easily be a simple porcelain doll with blank expression and vacant eyes staring. Remember when a room full of perfectly ordinary ornate dolls sounded ominous? It doesn't have to be a clown-like ventriloquist dummy with scars that doesn't even look convincingly like it was ever a child's toy but destined to be a demon conduit.

Maybe the doll was the idea of the person involved with the making of Saw. Cause it seems like it was too similar in its clownishness.

I'm ignoring the fact this is "based on a true story" by the way. Maybe the doll was real and did look exactly like that. Maybe everything in the film is spot on and why should they bend the truth to appease my want for seeing a horror movie that's different to others on offer out there? Fair enough! Coming from the people who told us absolutely everything in the Amityville Horror was true, though... I'm inclined to believe they've bent the truth somewhat and could have done more to make me scared of my own shadow.

The only good bits reminded me of other films, the crazy old witch ghost who vomits blood into the woman's mouth is suspiciously similar to the old bat from Drag me to Hell, which once again has been done - IF it hadn't been done it would have been a good bit, but because I can only think of something else when I see it...nah.

I'm fed up with them trying ghost stories and possession horror. Please find a new way to try and scare me because you only seem to be throwing the same things at me. It's like a ghost jumping out at me and hiding back away in the same spot for the next time I come in because it thinks "it worked once, so this must be the only way to do it". Only the first time will make me jump. Eventually it just becomes tedious.

A Haunting at Silver Falls (2013)

Not so shabby

[6/10 · 23 June 2013]

It isn't a horror that'll scare you witless, there aren't any jump scares or scenes of bloody violence. It's quite a simple ghost seeking vengeance plot. Slightly creepy, but nothing you'll lose sleep over. If anything you understand the ghost(s) isn't going to hurt the protagonist and just wants her to know something, and it's all about finding out what that something is, so there's little threat involved.

I enjoyed it though! I found myself wanting to see the end and it wasn't a bad story overall.

Worth a shot if you're into stories and can live without brilliant cinematography and things that'll come crawling out of your closet when you try to get to sleep afterwards.

It did make me wonder what would have happened if she'd gone to Silver Falls with Robbie at the end to see what he had to show her. Maybe it was just a lame come on like she thought, though...

Texas Chainsaw (2013)

About as scary as fresh apple pie round your mad Granny's house on a Sunday

[4/10 · 2 June 2013]

If you consider the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which you can't help but do, as you're reminded of it in the beginning titles of this film - disturbing, shocking, intense, upsetting, bloody marvellous scenes) and all the boundaries pushed at that time, i prepared myself for something extreme from a "what happened next" made in this day and age.

It's mild and pathetically similar to other franchises continuing to become less and less frightening and more and more predictable.

I'm not sure about the credibility of the storyline - how did the grandmother even know where to send a letter to the child? The people who took the child never told anyone they took her, it's not like it was reported in the paper that a child survived. She would have just been presumed dead like the rest? They didn't look for Jed in the rubble and assumed he was dead this whole time. He's a big enough bugger to notice the absence of!

Idiot protagonist woman keeps falling over and running into moving cars, getting into cars with people we all know are going to turn out bad. Makes you wanna sigh... You can see where it's going by the end.

If she has Sawyer blood i'd have liked to have seen her with some more inherited crazy strength/more of a descent into lunacy. She was not a good heroine. There are more inventive bloody scenes in things like the Wrong Turn series, there's nothing that'll make you cringe or wish you hadn't seen it and i'm quite squeamish when it comes to torture porn.

I think some people will be disappointed there are no boobies. As much as i hate cheap sex scenes in horror, if you're going to sit through a movie this bad i will accept that the odd booby shot may liven things up for the male audience when there are two young attractive women on the scene. Heck even if the men had taken off their shirts for no apparent reason i may not be as disappointed. What a waste of good chests all round. It would have been a distraction from this wreck of a sequel to something that people should just leave untouched from now on. Just stop sabotaging it!

Rare Exports (2010)

Leave some gingerbread and wolf traps out this Christmas just in case

[9/10 · 18 May 2013]

I like it. An adult movie that maintains a childlike storyline. Beautifully shot and well acted. It could be toned down (extensively) into a child's movie, if it was safe to besmirch the name of Santa in one.

I really wanted to see the real Santa, though. Even if only in silhouette. I bet he would have looked awesome going by the cinematic quality of the flick. Monster movies where you never get to see the monster are always slightly disappointing (this is why it could also be a kids flick, without the blood nothing is too scary).

It isn't terribly horrific, you won't lose sleep, there's not much bloodlust, gore or jumping out of your seat. It's just a dark Christmas story and has its suitably funny moments and feel-good ending, too. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Rabies (2010)

Serial Murderer Film?

[9/10 · 26 April 2013]

I read the synopsis on another site which summarised said "serial murderer comes across teens in forest", I thought oh no, not again... but wondered, why is it called Rabies? So I gave it a watch...

The synopsis I read is giving it so little credit.

I still am none the wiser, no idea why it's called Rabies. Perhaps the title should have been Rabid instead, as the people in it aren't exactly compromising.

The serial murderer can't be described as such, however, as he only gets to kill one dog in the entire movie. He doesn't really get a look in.

Not bad actors, refreshing take on "teens lost in forest" movies. It has brutal moments, poignant moments, funny moments. No one is innocent in the end. You have the characters you want to see make it and a few you're dying to see dying. It is a no mercy movie, though, so the former becomes increasingly unlikely.

It isn't scary, there's maybe one moment some people would jump at. It is consistently entertaining, though. Worth it.

Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)

Silent Hill Fans Need To Miss This One

[3/10 · 21 March 2013]

I love Silent Hill, the game, and I liked the first movie. It wasn't the same as the game, but it was a fair homage.

Silent Hill 3 the game would translate well onto screen, I thought. The loss of her father would have been good in a movie, the creepy Happy Birthday telephone call, the mannequin scene, the ghost in the subway before the train to hell, the mirror scene where you first see Alessa. I was excited to see how they pulled it off.

It isn't scary in the least. The creepiness Silent Hill is known for has been totally annihilated.

It's way too heavy on the gore which isn't scary, either, it's just any excuse to hack off limbs. Cheap cheap. Why the inspector doesn't live till the end like he did in the game is silly, he seemed totally unnecessary in this film. Why Harry Mason is still alive... no idea... It would have had far more impact to have killed him and incensed Heather. Would have been a good sad scene, too. Why Vincent is at school with Heather?? Isn't he like 40 in the game? And he was all good and not at all insane... Why there is no birth of God... I was looking forward to that!

It's not that they changed the elements of the game's storyline, cause that would have been fine if they'd done it well. It's that they have simply sucked the horror out of Silent Hill.

The final boss where Pyramid Head becomes a HERO(?!) and he's battling Claudia who ends up looking like a cheap imitation of Hellraiser's chatterer with Harry chained to a monster sculpture............ I just, no. I'm lost for words, I just put my head in my hands and gave up.

The only thing it has going for any Silent Hill fans is you get to be reminiscent of all the reasons you love Silent Hill the game. You'll be able to find a million reasons to go home and play the game just to rinse your mind.

Mama (I) (2013)

Mama didn't follow me home

[6/10 · 14 March 2013]

I love that every movie i have seen of Guillermo's has a story i haven't seen before. I love the fantasy and distorted imagery. There is also always a great deal of sentimentality involved in his horror. I don't know why he's focused on the loss of children and their connection to living people, but it is always touching.

Mama is not scary, however. It is sweet and a little creepy with some memorable scenes, even a little humour. Unfortunately i wasn't paranoid looking around my room after coming home at 10pm after the film had finished expecting a dead lady to be crawling out from the wall, though. It isn't something that played on my mind and that bothers me! Good horror always gets me psychologically and wakes me up in the night feeling like something is in the room.

Mama didn't visit me.

It is an original story, but there are bits which are very predictable, some bits which are just pointless, and some bits that didn't make sense. There was a gap left in the story, too, which i'm going to post a question about because i don't want to include spoilers here. That let it down for me. I was confused by it.

To be honest i didn't like the men and their parts in the film much! It was all about the little girls and they are fantastic little actors. Just wasn't scary, so i can't give it more than what i have... regrettably.

Horror needs to follow me home.