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65 (2023)
Man, does this put the stink in extinct!
Ever since I was a kid, I've had an intense fascination with dinosaurs. Movies and shows such as The Land Before Time, Jurassic Park, Dinosaur, and Jurassic Fight Club were always a great treat for me to watch. Even today, my fascination with dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures persists. So, when I heard of this film, I was interested on account of it being a Dinosaur movie. In the end, I ended up getting one of the worst Dinosaur movies I've ever seen. For starters, the characters are bland as tofu. Any attempts made by them to communicate with each other comes off as laughable, and none of them even have any remotely interesting interactions or unique personality traits. Even Adam Driver was giving a half-hearted performance. The biggest problem: we barely even HAD dinosaurs in this. They were sidelined in favor of these flat, one-dimensional characters. They'd often tease an intense chase scene, and show giant footprints that implies that something big and scary is coming, but it just cuts away to something else! Give the last two Jurassic World movies credit, at least they HAD the dinosaurs and the characters were (mostly) likable. And when we actually DO get the Dinosaurs, the fights aren't enjoyable (save for the two T Rexes, that was pretty awesome to watch) partly because the lighting is so bad. Speaking of which, the CGI looks terrible. Jurassic Park knew when to use CGI and when to use animatronics, that way the dinosaurs look and feel more real. Here, it's just CGI the whole way through, that almost looks like leftover animation from a land before time sequel. In short, just don't waste your time on it. If you want a thriller movie with dinosaurs, you're better off with the Jurassic Park/Jurassic World franchise. Just skip this one.
Prehistoric Park (2006)
A great docu-drama series!
Ever since I was a kid, I've had an IMMENSE fascination with dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals. And as such, I'd watch ANYTHING featuring these creatures be it fiction (Land Before Time, Jurassic Park, Ice Age, etc.) or documentary (Walking With Dinosaurs, Walking With Beasts, Jurassic Fight Club). Like "Dragons: A Fantasy Made Real" I first heard of this when I bought the book of it at my school's book fair. Then, some years later, I finally got the DVD and watched the whole show. And, it's awesome! It's basically just take Jurassic Park, Walking With Dinosaurs, and Walking with Beasts and throw them into one TV show, and it's just great! Like Jurassic Park and the Walking with... series, this doesn't anthropomorphize its prehistoric creatures to appeal to little kids, nor does it depict them as movie monsters, but, instead, as what they actually were: just regular animals. It acknowledges that as big and terrifying as creatures like T. Rex or Smilodon were, at the end of the day, they're still just animals.
Like the Walking With... series, this mixes in CGI prehistoric creatures (and some animatronics) in with Live-Action backgrounds, and it looks great. I also liked that while it does feature well-known prehistoric creatures, like Tyrannosaurus Rex, Triceratops, mammoths, and Sabre tooth cats, it also tries to show some lesser known animals, like Phorosracos and the invertebrates that lived before the dinosaurs. It's interesting and very informative. Plus, the pacing of each episode is great, and the action always keeps me on the edge of my seat. My only gripe is that the animatronics can look a bit silly at some parts.
But, overall, this is a fun show. I'd say check it out, especially if you're into prehistoric creatures. It's a delightful little fossil discovery that I will revisit many times.
Simba: The King Lion (1995)
It's the Circle of Theft!
Man, the nineties seemed to be FULL of animated stuff set in the jungle where the lion reigns as king. We have The Lion King (Disney), Leo The Lion: King of the Jungle (Jetlag/Goodtimes), The Jungle King (Golden Films), and this abomination, brought to us by Mondo TV. Oh, joy. The same studio that brought us that insulting movie about the Titanic. While Leo the Lion: King of the Jungle and The Jungle King were kinda cash-grabs, trying to capitalize on the success that Disney had with The Lion King, thy could be tolerable (especially the former), and can somewhat be viewed as their own thing, this is just full on plagiarism (yes, because clearly the reason why The Lion King was such a big hit was because it was set in the jungle, and a lion ruled as king, not because it had a well-written story with compelling themes and interesting characters)
What's the story? Well, the lion, the King of the Jungle, is killed, leaving his cubs, one of whom is named Simba, as orphans, (Gee, Disney didn't do that, right?), some of the other animals raise the orphaned cubs (Gee, Disney didn't do that, right?) until Simba is old enough to take his place as king (Gee, Disney didn't do that, right?) oh, and as for the villain, he's a big cat (in this case, Shere Khan the tiger from the jungle book) who wants to take over the throne and has a hyena lackey who serves as comedy relief (Gee, DISNEY DIDN'T DO THAT, RIGHT!?). I'd say this is just an average lion king knock-off, but, it's just FLAT-OUT PLAGIARISM, especially given some stuff that happens later on, like Simba fighting his uncle. (OH, COME ON, MAN!!!!
Who are the other characters besides Simba and Shere Khan? Well, mostly other Jungle Book characters: Baloo, Bagheera, Kaa, and the wolf pack. Okay, that I can kinda let slide, because the jungle book is under public domain. Oh, and one of Simba's childhood friends is a baby deer named Buckshot, whose parents were killed by the same hunter who killed Simba's dad. Great. First they're ripping off lion king, now Bambi!? Does this show have NO ORIGINALITY!? I don't mind seeing stuff that's been done before, but, do something new with it! Which, here, they don't.
The animation is awful. While the backgrounds are painted nicely, the character designs look mediocre at best and downright creepy at worst. As for the setting, I can't tell if this is supposed to be set in Africa or India (where Jungle Book took place). On the one hand, we have lions, elephants, cheetahs, zebras, and a giraffe (all African), but we also have brown bears, wolves, and tigers (all Indian). Pick a setting and stick to it.
What about the character personalities? There are none. This Simba is boring, and has none of the qualities that made Disney's Simba so great. The other good guys are just there. Shere Khan is basically just Scar, except turned into a tiger. And sometimes, the dialogue can get downright tedious. I mean, what show would have such intelligent lines like "let's look at the sun!"
And as if the plagiarism and uninteresting characters weren't bad enough, they felt the need to give the characters superpowers. Simba can shoot lasers from his paws... okay.... And apparently, Shere Khan lead the hunter who killed Simba's dad through telepathy.... What!? Okay, what we're these writers on?
All in all, it's a horrible show that was clearly made just to cash in on the success of The Lion King, while completely forgetting what made The Lion King such a great film. I suggest you just stay away fro, this show and watch The Lion King. That's worth every minute of your time. Not this.
Caillou's New Adventures (2016)
One of the most pointless reboots ever
I'm one of the thousands who disliked the original Caillou show. But, this reboot is even worse. First up, the animation. It's even worse than the animation of the original show, because the flash animation looks lifeless and stiff. True, the animation of the original wasn't very good, but it's Disney animation compared to this! As for the acting, most of the cast (especially Caillou himself and his mom) sound like they don't really care. Even the voices in those cheap GoAnimate videos had more emotion than this. As for the stories, very few of them are actually trying. As for the rest, they're just remakes of episodes of the original show. So, if you're not gonna try to do anything that the original didn't do, then, why bother? Also, this tries to be hip with the young crowd, because, in one episode, Caillou and Clementine were playing some Minecraft knockoff. As for the characters, well, Caillou is back to his spoiled brat personality. Rosie and all the others are just there because they're there. The only redeeming quality is that, unlike the original show, sometimes Caillou actually DOES get punished for misbehaving (once for refusing to get off the video game, the other for banging on the table and refusing to eat his vegetables.) but, outside of that, this is just garbage. Don't show this or the original show to your kids. They're better off with shows like Little Bear.
The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (2007)
Worst. Simpsons. Episode. Ever.
Oh, boy. This episode is where I decided to give up on the Simpsons. I had some gripes with the newer seasons, such as the couch gags getting too long and pointless celebrity appearances, but this was the final straw. What's the premise? Bart misses the winning catch at a baseball game and is suddenly treated as though he's some kind of war criminal. Okay, admittedly, Bart isn't the world's nicest kid, but even he doesn't deserve this! And then, the worst part comes: after being bullied by the town for so long, Bart attempts to kill himself by jumping off the water tower. Seriously!? Suicide is a very serious subject that should be treated as such! But, nope, here they decide to go "lol, suicide is funny". Bart survives, and the town continues to bully him, until Marge calls them out and shames them. But, rather than have the townspeople get some comeuppance or end the episode on a high note by apologizing to Bart, they replay the final inning. Okay, I'm no expert in sports, so, correct me if I'm wrong, but, I'm pretty sure that once you miss the winning catch, it's too late. The damage has been done. But, yup, because of the unnecessary cruelty of this episode and its mockery of suicide, I threw the towel in on the newer episodes. Just go back to the older episodes.
The Last Dragon (2004)
For a docu-fiction program, this was quite interesting
All my life, I've been an aficionado for all kinds of animals: tame, wild, extinct, and even mythical. In the realm of mythical creatures, I've always been a sucker for dragons. And, sometimes, as a kid, I wondered what it would be like if dragons actually did exist? Then, I figured out that this program came about when I saw the book of it at a book fair when I was in third grade. I gave it a watch again as an adult, and it still holds up. Believe you, me, I don't actually BELIEVE that dragons really do exist, but, this was awesome because of a simple format: recreate an alternate universe where dragons act did exist in the style of a nature program. Like "Walking with Dinosaurs", this doesn't anthropomorphize its test subjects to appeal to kids, nor does it depict them as movie monsters, but instead as what they actually were (or, in this case, MAY have been.): just regular animals. In the version I own, at least, the scenes with the archeologists are brief, and the focus is more kept on what it should be: the dragons. The CGI was impressive (if a bit dated), Patrick Stewart made for an awesome narrator, and, there are some strong scenes, like the Prehistoric dragon fighting T rex, or the mountain dragon courtship ritual. And, while they are confirming via the title that this was all made up, some of the theories did make a bit of sense. So, all in all, this was a fascinating little pick. I'd say if you're into dragons, check it out.
Fatal Attractions (2010)
Why!? Why would you do that!?
I very rarely watch animal planet these days, as most of the current programs have little to nothing to do with animals. But, this is one of very few that I actually watch. It's interesting, and also serves as a cautionary tale against exotic pet ownership. Besides, I can't understand for the life of me why some people think that having a tiger or hyena or chimpanzee as a pet is completely normal! It brings up several notorious cases, such as Travis the Chimpanzee and the animal escape in Zanesville. This show always tells the stories of how these owners got seriously injured or even killed because of their decisions. And I can't believe there are people who believe that this show is one sided! If you own venomous snakes, big cats, or great apes, you're just ASKING for trouble! These animals are not suited to be pets. And, the animal is always killed by these people's stupidity. So, while it's not great, it's still one of the few watchable shows on modern animal planet.
The Simpsons: Homer's Night Out (1990)
Easily one of the worst simpsons episodes!
Good shows can have bad episodes. One of the most prominent cases is the season 1 Simpsons episodes: Homer's night out. The premise? Homer dances next to another woman at a bachelor party. Bart takes a photo of it with a spy camera, and somehow, it becomes a town sensation. That's the first problem with the episode! The pacing is horrible! The photo becoming a phenomenon that quickly is just ludicrous. I can see Spongebob getting away with that, but the Simpsons is a bit more grounded to reality than Spongebob. Also, it's stupid that Marge accuses Homer of cheating on her because he was dancing next to another woman! Dear lions of the past! He's dancing NEXT TO HER, not with her! Also, how is Homer dancing next to her objectifying her? I know the message the episode is trying to convey, but it's completely botched up because of how ludicrous this plot is. And, most of the jokes aren't all that funny, as most of them revolve around Homer's supposed objectification of this woman. Just skip this episode, It's one of the worst in the series.
Mowgli (2018)
Serkis should have asked Favreau for help
When I heard that Warner bros was making an adaptation of The Jungle Book that's closer to the original novel, at first, I was pretty interested. When it came to Netflix, i put it on, and after finishing the film, I instantly regretted it. This film had real potential, but it was all squandered first up, the visuals. The animals looked awkward at best and disturbing at worst. Bagheera looked creepy, and Shere Khan looked so ridiculous that I actually laughed at him. Jon Favreau's Jungle book did better with its visuals, because the characters looked like real animals. On a positive note, some of the acting was okay, particularly Cate Blanchett as Kaa. The plot, however, was an absolute mess. The narrative didn't flow well at all, and there were multiple plot holes. There was little to no character development. We were supposed to feel sad when Mowgli's albino wolf friend dies, but, we barely got to know him as a character. Also, the film was WAY too dark. Again, Jon Favreau did it better because it had a better balance between light hearted and dark. This does not. Seriously, Watership Down is Care Bears compared to this. So, in short, just stick to Jon Favreau's Jungle Book, and skip this one.
Jesus: His Life (2019)
Wasted potential
When I saw commercials for this show, I was interested, since I liked the history channel's previous biblical miniseries, The Bible. However, when I finished this, I felt a huge sense of frustration. Why was I frustrated by this show? Because it had tremendous acting, and I could clearly see that they wanted to make this like a movie. However, I ended up putting much of the show on mute. Not because of the narrations from the characters. But, because of the commentaries coming from pastors, historians, etc. These intrusions are excessive, and it treats the audience as though they were stupid. I'd be more forgiving if these commentaries were bonus features on a DVD, but, alas, they're part of the show, which squandered its potential. This would have been a great series if they edited out the commentaries. In the meantime, just stick with The Bible miniseries or read the actual bible.
The Lion King (2019)
Jon Favreau, you've done it again!
I have loved the original lion king from the moment that I first saw it as a kid. So, naturally, I got very excited about the remake. When I went to see it, I was blown away by it.
Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998)
It's Terror Time Again!
I am a huge fan of Scooby Doo, and this, by far one of my favorite things to come from the franchise. It's an interesting twist of having real monsters in a Scooby Doo movie. Granted, the previous movies featuring Scrappy had real monsters, but, those were mainly comedic. These monsters are DEAD serious, and the gang is in real peril. It's an interesting twist. The animation in this film, in spite of the fact that's a direct to video film, is outstanding! It comes close in spirit to the original series. As far as the characters go, most of them are consistent with their original counterparts: Daphne is the fashion girl, Velma's the brains, Scooby and Shaggy are the screwballs who are always hungry, etc. Simone and Lena were simply amazing villains. They've got an amazing backstory, devious voices, and they're plan is actually pretty diabolical. Even the music is great! The Scooby Doo theme song is played perfectly at the beginning, and the song "It's Terror Time Again" is one of the best songs in the Scooby Doo franchise. In terms of the script, the film has an exciting, and engaging plot, but with enough balance between horror and comedy. Speaking of which, the comedy was great; there's a reoccurring joke involving Shaggy and Scooby eating some hot peppers, which never fails to make me laugh. So, overall, Scooby Doo on Zombie Island is simply a brilliant film. It's a definite must watch, especially if you're a Scooby Doo fan.