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Reviews
Troll (2022)
Sausage Troll
Positives with this , CGI is great, the troll actually looks a bit mountain rough and believable for a folklore tale creature
However, the baffling decisions leave you scratching your head more than the Troll does with a 400 year old itch
Why get the troll expert in just to laugh at the fact he states it's blatantly a troll
After discovering it is now a troll, continue to laugh at the possible solutions from folklore tales about a troll
Hammer the Troll with missiles continuously then after admitting it doesn't work, bring other missiles out to fire at it to the general saying 'Missiles, Its against everything Norway stands for'
Random military hacker can apparently hack into anything, including an airborne fighter jet
Modern technology can't kill it but Medieval Christians could
Church Bells annoy it, so get 4 Helicopters to circle it with Church Bells and be shocked when he destroys them
War rally cries from random army guys to mass army cheers despite still having no solution to killing it
It's King Kong esq, you don't need much thinking to watch this one.
The Gray Man (2022)
Enemy of the State 2.0
Netflix really have invested a lot into the action genre and really promoted this one well, similarly as with Extraction. It's fast paced, basic enough storyline but effective, government linked hard drive retrieval turn classic 'save the girl' from 9 million henchmen guarding a random castle plot. Be ready for lots of bullets and random cheesy lines but this film was definitely engaging enough not to get bored of.
Resident Evil (2022)
Even the Zombies got Bored of this
Everything is so woke in this, it's nothing like the games or even remotely like them, couldn't have cared less about the present day Racoon City and what was happening at the school or why one of the daughters is a complete idiot constantly to her dad or the random dilemmas the 'sisters' have
The music is terrible, majority of the settings has no link to anything Resident Evil and honestly if all the characters were just killed off early it would have saved another 7 episodes that I'm not bothering with
Thankfully Estonia's full market stock financial report lecture for the year was being shown live so I switched over for some upgraded excitement
Avoid.
FIFA 22 (2021)
Keepers ARE the defence
Keepers are like something out of Marvel and can now save most shots with any limb of their body. Whilst this keeps the FIFA 21 Cricket scores down to now just NBA scores, unfortunately the defenders are still smoking some herbal substances.
Non selected players do not tackle and in fact run away from the player attacking, pace is still everything and is the classic FIFA goal coined ? Down the byline and cut it back to 3/4 players with no defence. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.
This was a free game on PS Plus this month. Can see why
Deleted.
He's All That (2021)
Superbowl Ad Break
I bought everything advertised in this film.
I am now bankrupt and weigh another me.
Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness (2021)
Nemesis
I was looking for a typewriter to save, press start and exit the game for being on a boring level.
Fear Street: 1978 (2021)
Kitchen Nightmares
Part One : Served a frozen Lasagna that's been microwaved and covered in Parsley, everyone involved is annoying
Part Two : Served Fresh Food that's been made by a poor chef but edible, you plough through it but you know you can get better
Part Three : ???
Awake (2021)
Counting the Sheep
Ironically, this movie is amazing for sleep deprivation, probably had the best night sleep in a long time starting from about halfway into the film
Night nurse, you have competition!
Mortal Kombat (2021)
Mortal Cottagebat
Always baffles me why the evil planet is set as a group of rocks where the main guy sits and is surrounded for miles upon miles with more rocks and nothing else other than a purple skyline
So when the other evil characters are walking up to him, where have they come from? Where do they live? What do they do all day? How did they get there from seemingly nothing? Are they not bored or cold? There's not even a Space Invaders arcade machine or jam sandwiches for them to eat
Other than that, pretty decent punch flavoured cheese movie.
Breach (2020)
Tasered
I had an equal amount of fun staring at the blank TV for 45 minutes after the film finished in disbelief
Next time I'll switch the Microwave on for an hour and watch that instead.
The Witches (2020)
False Advertising
You buy the burger because it looks amazing in the picture
You get served something totally different
FIFA 21 (2020)
Defenders look Stoned
Yep, the worst Fifa game ever released.
Defenders - not much point having them, can't keep up with simple turns in the box. On some sort of drugs. Goal.
Through Balls - Loved watching an 80 yard throughball from Rob Holding slice open all 10 of my outfield players. Goal.
Penalties - The lightest touch from either a player or Oxygen and its an instant penalty. One got given against me when my PlayStation controller wasn't even being touched. Goal.
Keepers - Just fire it in near post. Goal.
The Classic Fifa Goal - Through ball down the wing and cut back. Guarantee you'll always have around 2/3 attackers with no defenders anywhere near as per ACTUAL FOOTBALL GAMES. Goal.
Switching players - The player you've just switched from seems to think his shift is over and its down to the pub. Why tackle when you can beer? Goal.
Kick off - Just run past the whole opposition team. Goal.
Skill moves - It's like University Challenge to a defender, just start doing kick ups from your own half, they can't work it out. Goal.
Most games after 10 mins of play - 12 all.
Most FUT teams - Anyone with pace. So glad we see such variation in teams. Of course means pace means nothing in the game and can be countered. Not.
Referees - Similar tackles are pot luck with what card you get, just fly in. Not like your defence will tackle anyway
Online - had this for months and still not had a 0-0 which everyone would crave at this point instead of NBA style point scoring.
Deleted.
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
One of the top 8 worst films I've ever seen
I had more fun licking Stinging Nettles for 2 hours
Ghost Shark (2013)
A Deep Water Classic
An ingenious plot with a ghost of a Shark only bamboozles the watcher with as many twists as a corkscrew. Thankfully the alcoholic in the lighthouse is there to save the day
One for the ages