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Reviews
Code of Silence (1985)
What's with the Chuck Norris bias?
OK I know Chuck Norris isn't the best actor in the business but he's good enough to be convincing. This is the same director who brought us The Fugitive, which was a hit thriller, and Under Siege, a successful Seagal action/Thriller. Is Steven Seagal a better actor than Chuck Norris?!! I don't think so. Norris aside the movie has a gripping story, interesting characters, and a good build up. The ending is a little cliché with the typical one man army thing but its a solid thriller. My only complaint is there just wasn't enough spin kicks and roundhouses to suit my tastes for a Chuck movie. Let me give a message to all the Chuck non-believers. If you don't like him so much then ignore the fact that he is Chuck Norris and focus more on the characters and the story. Sheesh! Anyways it was great but nowhere near as exciting as Lone Wolf McQuade which is probably my favorite movie of his.
The Hitman (1991)
Another one of Chuck's hits.
Again with the negative Chuck Norris reviews. Why?! An action movie doesn't have to have state of the art special effects to be great. Chuck Norris embraces his darker side in The Hit-man which I was to surprised to find was directed by his brother Aaron Norris. The Hit-man has got some really funny one liners and some added cheese here and there but I guess you can't make a pizza without sprinkling on some cheesy goodness. Not only is this a first for Chuck Norris having a darker hero role but it marks the second time iv'e ever heard him drop the F bomb which is pretty rare for Chuck Norris. My favorite part is when Chuck Norris tries to help a young boy with a bully but as it turns out the bully has a bully father to whom Chuck Norris teaches another lesson if you know what I mean. Ecellent movie especially if you like a cheese pizza with pepperoni one liners as the toppings.
Missing in Action (1984)
Fun but disappointing Norris film
I saw this movie with high expectations because of hearing about missing in action so much but it turns out to be an average Chuck Norris movie. At first glance at the cover you'd think this was some Vietnam war movie but its not hardly since it takes place many years after the war. Chuck Norris stars as a war veteran who was missing in action and just got back to America. Chuck knows that they are still holding POWs in Saigon but he can't prove it. And when he's invited to Vietnam for negotiations, he tries to gather guns, supplies and old friends to help him rescue the POWs. There's hardly any martial arts in Missing in Action which is disappointing because that's one of the main reasons you see a Chuck Norris action movie anyway. Just a lot of shooting instead. There's entertaining moments in Missing in Action but not enough to keep your eyeballs glued to the screen. Acting is decent and isn't really bad. It's neither a good nor bad movie just not a very interesting movie. The Second one is better but i'm warning you that the quality is terrible on the second.
Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)
One of the Best Norris Films
I can't comprehend how underrated LWM is. First I have to say that the opening seen is a heck of a way to open an action movie. At the opening scene J.J. McQuade seems invincible. He just stands there as bullets whiz past him not looking worried at all. This scene has to go down in the action books for one of the best openings to an action movie. The next part of the movie shows J.J. McQuade as a tough but fragile Ranger because he has his family and friends, whom he deeply cares about, to look out for. There's nothing much to the villain in LWM. He's played by David Carradine and only there when necessary but it doesn't take anything away from the experience. It focuses more on McQuade than the villain. McQuade is a slob and a beer guzzler but extremely good at what he does. A crack shot and an expert at martial arts despite his unhealthy lifestyle. The villain eventually pushes McQuade to his limit and McQuade must hunt down Carradine to save his daughter with the help of a few friends. The music in LWM sounds like something you would hear out of a spaghetti western which really sets the western mood for the movie. The Final fight scene is an epic mono e mono showdown between Chuck Norris and David Carradine. What an awesome way to end a movie! A great great edition to the Norris collection and I would recommend it to any fan of action movies period.
Taxi Driver (1976)
Great Movie. Not Perfect
Taxi Driver is a great movie but I don't know why its one of the top movies on IMDb. The story to my perception is that it's about a young guy who applies to be a cabbie to occupy himself. He suffers from insomnia and feels out of place. He's certainly an odd guy considering how xxx movies seem like regular movies to him. He's looking for more in life. A purpose. And he's got a lot of bad ideas running through is head. Then he decides to buy some guns. For what reason I don't know and I don't think he knows why either. He then decides to be some type of enforcer. But who to enforce? Jodie Foster plays a young prostitute who seems to be held back by her pimp keeping her from her family where she should belong. Travis then decides to free her with extreme force. So thats Taxi Driver in a nutshell. The movie is very slow but interesting and a dark movie at that. Despite some boring parts, the ending seems to make everything you've seen worth it. The final shootout is painfully realistic which is what makes it so powerful. The scene is quick, bloody, and gritty like a real firefight would be like. Taxi Driver is well directed but not as satisfying to me as it shoud've been for such a high rated movie. But you at least have to see it for the "You talking' to me?" scene.
Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Poor Mean Spirited Comedy
I hate to burst everyone's bubble about hot tub time machine but I really was disgusted and offended with just about every scene of the movie. It's not just because of the crude humor but how the characters acted and how the movie had hardly any feel good moments. I didn't care for any of the lead characters at all. They all seemed like people you would want to stay away from much less hang out with them. Chevy Chase shows up in the movie just to say " look at me i'm Chevy Chase" pretty much. All of the jokes were hateful and mean spirited and then they just throw in a "heart-warming" scene to make you forget all of what you've seen then go right back into crude humor and pervasive swearing. There's even a joke that spans for most of the movie in which the outcome was completely predictable. Speaking of swearing, I have no problem with the use of the f word in movies. That is of course if it is used correctly and not abused. This movie abuses the f word tremendously. Every sentence is filled with 2 to 3 f words. It's just lazy and shameful. After I saw this I was not happy or laughing but just depressed and ashamed of the writer, director, and anybody involved with this movie. There was some funny parts but they're not worth mentioning. Unless your a major jerk, pardon my French, then you probably won't enjoy this movie.
Sudden Impact (1983)
Classic Dirty Harry Movie
Sudden Impact is definitely one of the more memorable Dirty Harry movies. Harry throws out a lot of really good lines like the famous "Make my Day" line and guns down a crap load of bad guys as usual. But i'm torn between to halves of this movie. The first half has mostly to do with Harry stylishly dispatching goons and mobsters. The second half is more about the killer and these scumbags we meet in this city that Harry is forced to go to. The second half is good but not as good as the first half of the film. We do meet Harry's new bulldog who saves his life,believe it or not, on the second half. And we see some chemistry between Eastwood and Sandra Locke who is the vengeful killer. Everybody knows Harry's famous model .29 44 magnum revolver but we're introduced to a new gun Harry uses called the .44 auto-mag. The gun is cool but short lived since he goes back to using his model .29 in The Dead Pool. In conclusion, Sudden Impact is a great Dirty Harry movie but I don't know if its better or worse than The Dead Pool.
Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)
Mark Lester Strikes Again!
Director Mark Lester gave us one of the greatest B action movies ever with Commando. Now Mark Lester gives us Showdown in Little Tokyo. It has much of the same cheesy action and is equally or more violent. Showdown gives us all of the action movie clichés like how our heroes can be protected from bullets by wooden tables and the fact that people can spray an endless amounts of bullets without reloading. One thing I really did enjoy about it was how hilariously cheesy it was. Brandon Lee isn't all that great in Showdown but it is his first big theatrical release which would probably draw the most people to the movie. The movie has a pretty cool 80s synth theme that plays frequently throughout the movie similar to how the theme plays throughout Beverly Hills Cop. It's a cheesy 90s movie that's somehow 80s-ish in a way which is really unusual. And while Showdown in Little Tokyo isn't as cool as Commando its still fun, entertaining, and ,more importantly, cheesy.
Commando (1985)
One of the Ultimate B movies
Commando is a pure no holds barred straightforward action movie that doesn't mess around and gets right to the action from beginning to end. With a short run time and non-stop cheesy 80s fun why not go see this movie. Commando is no Terminator 2: Judgement Day but the movie gives you all you'd want from a corny 1980s action movie and more. It's also pretty memorable because of all the corny one-liners that Arnold spits out in almost every scene. It's a good action movie that will probably give you more than a few unintentional laughs. There's not much more that could really be said about it and right now i'm just making more lines so IMDb can let me submit it.
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Oh please make it stop! Please! Oh no my eyes! AHHH
Ladies and and gentlemen feast your eyes on the acid trip that is 2001: a space odyssey. where scenes seem to be endless and boring beyond belief. Where apes are somehow devolved humans and twinkling laser lights somehow bring you to what seems like an alternate dimension or reality. Today I have wasted two and a half hours of my time on a completely ridiculous, atrocious, and implausible movie. I was left awestruck at the ending with my brain puzzled and my eyes strained from the strobing laser lights flashing on the screen. OK well enough of this. So lets talk about the plot. Oh wait...There is no plot! In about an hour into the movie it does show somewhat of a plot but renders it pointless by one of the most ridiculous movie endings I have ever seen. 2001: A Space Odyssey is a prime example of how the critics are sometimes completely different from the viewer. I'm guessing most critics would say that this movie has intellectual value but I think i've lost brain cells from watching this. 2001: A Space Oddyssey is a true test of your sanity. I think I would pass out if I saw this twice. Watch at your own risk!
Punisher: War Zone (2008)
All Gory, No Story, No Glory
Punisher: Warzone is an "attempt" to put the punisher comic books into a movie. Whoa Whoa wait a minute... That should tell you all you need to know about Punisher: Warzone. It's a no-nonsense action movie with plenty of blood, guts, and some ridiculous kills by the punisher. How ridiculous? Well there is the seen where the punisher literally shoots the face off of a mobster trying to bargain with him. I'll admit the action is so over-the-top it's hilarious but there was never enough to keep my attention. Every character is a card board cut out just to be there to help the punisher or for him to viciously gun down. The villain is very weak and annoying especially, because every mobster in this movie has a quirky Italian accent. Frank Castle is a boring lifeless character who runs around and massacres people without reason. I know this is what the punisher is supposed to do but this is boring compared to Thomas Jane who played a way better punisher. This movie stays more true to the comic but sometimes trying to make a comic book into a movie just doesn't work. Unless you love shallow characters and mindless over-the-top gory action then stick with the other two punisher movies.
Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood (2009)
Good Western FPS
Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood is the best next-gen western first person shooter probably because it is one of the only next-gen western first person shooters. The game's campaign starts off in the civil war and follows the story of Three brothers who abandon their duties in the war for the sake of their family. Two years later they try to seek a legendary gold while being chased by a vengeful General. You get to choose from Two of the three brothers since the other is a non-violent priest. Both brothers have different abilities, weaknesses, and strengths. The campaign is straightforward and fairly short but enjoyable. There is also two missions that allow you to free roam and complete side quests. My first problem with the game comes in with the weapons. The game has cartridge converted revolvers in the civil war and guns that haven't even been invented until 15 to 20 years after. Just about every weapon in the game is historically inaccurate. My other problem is that the multiplayer is unbalanced. The multiplayer is fun until someone wants to spoil it by using a weapon that cannot be competed with. The veteran class for instance abolishes the use of the sniper classes by a land slide. If they had focused a little more on balancing the weapons the multiplayer would have been excellent and definitely a more enjoyable experience than it already is. The price is probably low by now so I would definitely recommend picking this one up for any platform.
The Expendables (2010)
It delivers but it also doesn't.
Sylvester Stallone never usually lets me down with his directing skills. I loved all four Rambo movies and the first three Rocky movies. But now we have the Expendables which is supposed to be a mindless, all star cast, no holds barred action movie with plenty of bullets flying, heads exploding, and lots of things being blown up real good. I knew what I was getting into but the movie failed for me because of two things. First, the camera shots. Yes, the camera shots are lousy. My other complaint is that a lot of scenes in the movie are too dark to see. Mix the terrible lighting with the lousy camera work and you have a disaster of a movie.It doesn't matter how good the action is if we can't even see what the heck is going on! But somewhere behind the madness there's good choreographed fight scenes and over the top action sequences. Too bad you can't make out what's going on in several scenes.
The Postman (1997)
Mediocre Kostner Movie
The Postman isn't a bad movie but this movie doesn't hold your attention enough for a three hour movie. The story is drawn out too long and is suddenly cut short near the end of the movie. It's as if the director was like, " oh I just realized we're approaching the three hour limit so we better cut this short at the end". The story could have been played out better and with these lackluster set pieces and unoriginality in its post-apocalyptic setting it falls short of what the movie promises. The Postman is a pretty boring movie that goes on and on with no real direction until the movie just closes up very fast near the end. It would have been good as a TV miniseries but for a three hour movie it is very nauseating. Oh and if you do watch it check out the cameo by Tom Petty at the end.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
Good Popcorn Movie
OK the first thing I desperately want to get out of the way in this review is addressing the critics. Ebert and Roeper have no idea what they're talking about. Roger Ebert said the movie was "incomprehensible". OK what? What can you not comprehend about the movie Roger? It's a fantasy movie. They're not trying to be historically accurate. In fact it tells you at the beginning of the movie that it is set in an alternate 1899 where there was a huge leap in technology. Oh and one more thing Mr. Ebert, There are roads in Venice. Now that I have this out of the way lets get to my review. TLoEG is one of those movies where a bunch of Legendary heroes join forces to take on an evil villain bent on ruling the world. You know, the usual. Sean Connery is, as you'd expect, the Savior of this movie. Without him the movie would be boring and mediocre. The movie certainly looks good but a lot of the CGI effects seem unfinished especially the scene in Venice where the buildings are crumbling. Other than that the special effects were pretty good. The action scenes would have been great if they hadn't of been shot so poorly. The camera is so close in the action that we can hardly see what's going on. And to add to the confusion, that camera makes very quick cuts during the action. The movie is corny and we've seen these kind of movies before but it's fun and refreshing to watch. It's not worth a buy but it's worth checking out once or twice.
Giù la testa (1971)
Fairly Boring Sergio Leone Film
A Fisful of Dynamite doesn't even come close to being as good as The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly or A Fistful of Dollars. I enjoyed the movie to a certain extent until it just became a chore to watch. There is a whole lot of unnecessary scenes and random shots in the movie that add to the minutes of this long two and a half hour movie. There's also these boring flashbacks thrown in the movie that make no sense at all. Just do away with these flashbacks because they don't progress the story or explain anything about the characters. Speaking of the story, I didn't find the story that interesting. So all we have left to make the movie worth watching is James Coburn and a few good action sequences with plenty of explosions. If I were you I would only watch this if your a die hard Leone fan but if your not your going to be really bored and disappointed.
Furry Vengeance (2010)
Worst Brendan Fraser Movie
Giving Furry Vengeance a 1 out of 10 is very generous of me. I cannot express the horror of this movie in words. OK, first of all, the set pieces look awful. It looked like the movie was shot in one small random location. Second of all, the CGI looked like a train wreck. They even had to CGI a boulder for some reason. Brendan Fraser is overacting in his worst performance possibly ever and Brooke Shields is just used as a ploy I guess. Furry Vengeance is like a poor man's Dr. Dolittle. The movie couldn't have taken more than 10,000 dollars to make. And the worst thing of all is that the movie isn't the least bit funny. There was only one tiny part of one scene that I kind of chuckled at and that was it! The movie consists of gross-out movie clichés like crotch shots, bird droppings, skunk spray , and last but not least the classic getting covered with feces bit. It's rude, crude, cheap, loud, and annoying and I even think kids are going to be solefully disappointed if they see it. I think we all know now what the worst movie of the year is.
Il buono, il brutto, il cattivo (1966)
The Good, The Bad, and the Overrated
I have no problem with saying that The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly is the most overrated western of all time. I'm not trying to say the movie is bad but it ultimately fails in comparison to Fistfull of Dollars. First of all this movie is way too long. About 3 hours long which is way too long for a movie such as this. The story is basically about three guys who are seeking confederate gold hidden in a cemetery. The story is simple but also effective. But for such a simple story why would the movie be so long and drawn out? Scenes seem to take forever to progress forward. Another thing is that Lee Van Cleef is scarcely shown on screen which just leaves Eli and Eastwood on screen most of the time. The music is spectacular. Ennio Morricone has some of the greatest western scores ever composed on the silver screen. Honestly the themes are too epic for the movie to handle. The final duel in the cemetery is nothing short of amazing but the battle ends poorly. I was waiting for Leone to pull a trick out of his sleeve for this final duel like in Fistfull of Dollars but instead he just decided to make it standard. If you have three hours to blow then definitely check it out or just skip to the end of the movie because the build up in the duel is so effin' epic!!
Darkman II: The Return of Durant (1995)
Boring Cash-In Sequel
First of all in this review I would like you to meditate on the title for just a second(Darkman 2: The Return of Durant). If you have seen the first Darkman you would know that Durant dies in a fiery helicopter crash. But in this sequel somehow he survives with only a few barely noticeable scars. I was expecting at least third-degree burns but I let that go and focused on the movie as if the explosion never happened. Arnold Vosloo is the new Darkman and he does a fairly poor job at portraying him. Liam Neeson seemed to be a more powerful Darkman with extreme emotions. Arnold Vosloo seemed shallow and lacked the presence of Liam. Considering it's the second movie, I was expecting more action out of Darkman but there's virtually no action from Darkman till the end of the movie and Darkman has nothing very good to say through the entire movie. The plot was also dull and generic which really made me wanna yawn. Darkman 2: The Return of Durant is just a sorry cash-in sequel and a disgrace to the franchise.
Ninja Ryû Ken-den (1988)
Fun but pretty hard
Ninja Gaiden is an overall great game but there is very frustrating parts in Ninja Gaiden that make you want to punch a hole through your TV. For some reason you have to hit some enemies just right with your sword or else they'll hit you. This happens especially with those annoying killer birds or whatever they are. Small seemingly non-threatening creatures are your worst enemy in Ninja Gaiden. Power-ups are useful but for some reason you never get the invincibility power-up when you really need it. And Let's face it, the final boss is near impossible. For one thing, the boss has about three forms(I think) and if you lose all your lives on the boss you'll have to restart the entire level! This only happens when your fighting a boss. If you lose all your lives in any other part of a level you'll be sent to the checkpoint in the level. It still doesn't make sense to me why they would do this. So in conclusion, if you can get past these problems Ninja Gaiden is a very enjoyable game. On the plus side the game has fantastic music, enjoyable fast paced action, and a storyline which most NES games don't have much of.
Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)
Is this what they call a "Comedy"?
I've had this movie for a while but never bothered to watch it. But when I stumbled across this movie as one of the worst on the IMDb bottom list I just had to see if this movie was really bad. I had hoped it wouldn't be too bad but I gave it a try. After the first 30 minutes I was shocked. This movie is awful. Not even Grandpa Munster or Fran from "The Nanny" TV show could save this movie. In fact the only thing I found funny was Penn and Teller in one scene. All of the jokes in Car 54 were either not funny or recycled from dozens of other movies like the Police Academy series. Everybody is at their worst in this movie. David Johansen is pulling off this annoying voice for his character and John C. McGinley plays a very shallow by the rules cop who lives with his mother. David Johansen was much better as the evil Thantos in the nanny movie with Hulk Hogan and John C. McGinley was better in Highlander 2. This movie is just a sorry excuse for a comedy and it also has some of the most annoying songs you'll ever hear in a movie!!!
Hang 'Em High (1968)
Underrated? You mean overrated don't you?
Clint Eastwood is an excellent actor. But that doesn't mean he doesn't get a hideously mangled script sometimes. At the first start of the movie you would think this was just a typical revenge movie( I wish it was just that). But the writers couldn't even do that. They had to take a perfectly good plot, mangle it beyond recognition, and throw it out at us. I don't know what the writers were smokin' but it sure wasn't cigarettes. Please believe me when I say the only and I mean the only redeeming value in this movie is Clint Eastwood. Everything else is just a mess thats boring or rather irritating to watch. There were so many opportunities to be had to fix the story but I guess the writers neglected common sense.
Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)
Splatter fans rejoice and get your barf bags ready for the weirdest, offensive, and most disgusting movie I have ever seen!
Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4 is by far the best of the Toxic Avenger series iv'e seen yet{ At least the Directors Cut}. All in all I really didn't enjoy this movie that much but just to be fair to splatter fans I have to say this is the ultimate comedic splatter-fest. This movie contains extreme blood, gore, and just about every bodily fluid known to man. If your a fan of these kinds of films then look no further this movie has it all. I mean it has it all! I really can't describe to you what watching this movie is like. So if your a fan with an iron stomach then this is a definite must see. If your not then this is going to be one strange and gross roller coaster ride for you. Viewer beware, your in for a gross-out-palooza!
Note: If you want the full experience I urge you to get the Unrated Directors Cut.
The Toxic Avenger (1984)
The Three Stooges meets A Nightmare on Elm Street meets The Punisher meets Dead Alive?
After watching The Toxic Avenger I really don't know what to think about this movie. It's the only horror movie i've seen where the stalker is the good guy. There were parts of this movie that were amusing but there is just one scene I can't forgive this movie for. It's the scene where this punk named Bozo and his friends are playing a game of hit-and-run where hitting children gives you the most points. They end up running over a 12-year-old on a bicycle and kill him. They then all get out of there car and take pictures of the dead boy whose brains are splattered all over the pavement. I wish I were making this up but it's a real shame that they would put this in any movie. Lloyd Kaufman should be ashamed of himself for letting this scene slide. The rest of the movie is just The Toxic Avenger running around and killing or should I say avenging people in the most brutal way possible. The movie should have been called The Toxic Killer rather than The Toxic Avenger. I say watch this movie once if your real curious or if your a big cult movie fan. Other than that stay very far away from this cheese-ball splatter-fest.
Super Mario Bros. (1985)
One of the greatest games in existence
If you haven't played Super Mario Bros. then you've probably been living in a cave for the last twenty five years. Most every gamer instantly knows what Super Mario Bros. is. The music in this game is genius because it just doesn't get old. The Super Mario Bros. Over-world theme is probably the most recognizable video game theme of all time. The game play is fun and very simplistic. To sum things up, it's hard to describe how awesome Super Mario Bros. is. It is yet another game that has stood the test of time. Super Mario Bros. is one of the greatest games ever made period and one of the best platformers out there.