nelch Reviews

Murder at Blackthorne Manor (2023)

The Only Mystery Is Why This Movie Was Made

[3/10 · 1 March 2024]

I love a good murder mystery. This does not fall into that category. The acting is terrible. The storyline is shockingly bad. Script needed a full rewrite. The premise was good but so badly put together.

The mention of "secret passages" by the main players made me wonder why everybody got locked into their rooms but did not work out how any of them could have got out. The lead actress can not say "escape", instead we had to listen to her say "eCscape" more than a few times. Absolutely no chemistry between the cast. The gates of the Manor are locked from the inside so no eCscape. But the plan is to wait until the day staff and the police get there the following morning. Bear in mind that the landlines were down and all cellphones had been destroyed, so why would the police arrive, and how would the day staff get in ? Another character appears and obviously gets accused of being the murderer. So how did he get in ? Our lead, Hayley, at one point accuses a female guest of being the murderer. The rant she goes on, just comes out of nowhere, so totally unbelievable for such a goody goody character. At the murder mystery game, a renowned psychic was introduced to help with some clues. This is supposed to be an amazing weekend of immersive fun. The psychic is played by a dummy. Surely such an upmarket event would have cast a real person as the psychic who also became the first murder victim. 80 minutes of rubbish from start to finish.

Secrets at the Museum (2023 TV Movie)

Were Cast Members Writing The Other Reviews ?

[1/10 · 31 January 2024]

Chelsea Vale is such an awful actress. She is so wooden that her performance left me with splinters.

Absolutely zero chemistry between any of the cast.

No emotion and a terrible script.

After the death of her estranged father, the lead character is heartbroken. So heartbroken that she plasters on the make-up. Not one scene of her looking "heartbroken". She speaks her lines as if on fast forward too.

We are meant to believe that all of these art professionals do not notice that many of the paintings hung on display have no signatures, so are obviously forgeries.

Never have I cared less about the characters in a movie. The acting, throughout, is extremely bad. The script seems as if it is read from autocue.

Our main character slips an invitation, to display at a gallery, into a friend's folder / notebook. Another character points out that the invitation had been slipped into a backpack. The continuity sucks throughout the movie.

I always watch a whole movie. It is not fair to write a review based on just 10 minutes of viewing. This did not even deserve one star. No idea why there are such high ratings for this total rubbish.

Vanquish (2021)

Morgan Freeman Just Lost All Of My Respect

[2/10 · 24 January 2024]

I love Ruby Rose. Morgan Freeman is a "God" amongst actors.

Why did either of them make this atrocious movie ?

Morgan must have owed somebody a really big favour to appear in this tripe.

Ruby Rose must have signed up because Morgan was onboard.

Rubbish storyline. Every supporting actor should be ashamed to call themselves actors. The annoying soundtrack, the extended chase scenes, the rotten script and even the colour and lighting are so below par on this movie.

I cannot imagine that this movie made any money at all. I would say that it is the most wasted 94 minutes of my life.

The only reason that I gave two stars was because it involved Morgan and Ruby.

Avoid like the plague. Do not say that I did not warn you.

Allan Quatermain and the Spear of Destiny (2023)

What Did I Just Try To Watch ?

[1/10 · 29 December 2023]

I saw this listed on Prime and sneaky Prime did not have a trailer for it. I believe the reason for this is that no sane person would watch the "movie" if they sat through a trailer. The "acting" is absolutely abysmal. Special effects and make-up are hilarious. Monotone lines spouted by one dimensional characters. This "movie" is less than an hour long if you remove the opening and closing credits.

Made on a budget of about £14.27, I have no clue how it got a 5.8/10.

Filming should have been done on a baked potato as this would certainly have improved the finished product. Terrible sound and lighting do not help either. "Actors" involved need to maybe take acting lessons. Script writer needs to not give up his day job. And do not get me started on the sets.

Wow, this really is utter tripe. Avoid like the plague, if you know what is good for you. I lasted 8 minutes longer than I should have but those 8 minutes will save you an hour of your lives.

Zombieverse (2023– )

What Part Of "They Are Attracted To Noise" Do The Cast Not Understand ?

[1/10 · 9 August 2023]

I like many of the Asian shows on Netflix. But not this one. Supposed to be unscripted, that is the most unbelievable part of this show. Abysmal dubbing. Terrible acting.

The escapees need fuel. They stop at a gas station and the driver gets out to refuel. Zombies appear and attack the driver. The cast, inside the un-fuelled vehicle, work out that the zombies react to sound. They decide to get out of the vehicle to throw articles around on the forecourt. Oil cans, water drums, bins etc. This should draw the zombies away from the vehicle making it possible to fuel it. Each person that throws the items, to draw the zombies away, run around screeching and screaming. Why would they not just throw a trash can, shut their mouths and move on to the next noisy item ? Pure idiocy.

By now, in episode 1, I had really had enough of the terrible dubbing, camera work, and acting.

Please let the zombies win.

A Private Affair (2022)

Dubbing That Actually Fits The Faces

[10/10 · 20 September 2022]

Many of these dubbed shows are ruined by the choice of voice actors that are used. This is more watchable because a bit of thought has been put into this show. It is well written and the actors have great chemistry. The humour is not lost in translation either. Jean Reno is great as the family butler. The girl, playing the main role, is funny and quirky enough to make this well worth a second season. Very watchable for the story, the characters, and the stunning scenery.

Marked these as spoilers, but they have no effect on the storyline. Considering how well they have set the period for this show, I was surprised at the amount of goofs in this. For example, the term "Serial Killer" wasn't used this far back, and "Stockholm Syndrome" did not exist.

All in all it is a very enjoyable series. The incidental soundtrack fits perfectly too.

Watch it and enjoy it. I certainly did.

Meteor Moon (2020)

Pure Dross

[1/10 · 27 February 2022]

I gave this a 1 purely because Dominique Swain is in it. Acting -10. Storyline -5. CGI -15.

Every character, in this movie, shout their lines. Shouting your lines does not make the story more dramatic. This movie really is terrible.

Spoiler:

Whoever decided that the viewer would believe that a Mustang could be directed in space with a couple of NOS canisters, must eat crayons for every meal. So laughable from start to finish.

DO NOT WATCH THIS JUNK !

The Woman in the House (2022)

Watch it and enjoy it for what it is.

[7/10 · 11 February 2022]

This series was perfect for a binge watch. The episodes were a perfect length. Not quite as funny as I expected but plenty of twists and turns. The acting was good . Production values were good. There were a few laughs along the way, and enough going on to keep the viewer guessing. Too many watchers and reviewers are panning this. I think they missed the point completely. It's a fun watch and has been left open ended, setting up the possibility of a season two. But do not worry, this first season is complete and everything is solved. If you want something to watch, that is well acted, has a decent OTT storyline, a few good laughs and doesn't take itself too seriously, then give this a chance.

A Year from Now (2021)

Unbelievably Bad

[2/10 · 6 February 2022]

Terrible acting , OTT Christmas music throughout. Not one character that made this worth watching. Each day, in the movie, is the passing of a year. In those seven years the same bedding was always on the bed, the same colours on the walls in each room, the same tissue box and flowers by the bed for the first four years at least. I like Christmas movies and so I tried to like this, but to no avail. Nobody managed to portray any emotion at any time. How do they manage to get funding for these movies ? I gave it a 2 that was overly generous.

When I watch movies I expect to feel something for the characters. I felt nothing for anybody in this dross , from start to finish. Badly written, badly acted and not really a Christmas movie.

Devil's Triangle (2021)

Do Not Watch This Rubbish

[1/10 · 2 January 2022]

Right from the start, this movie proves that the makers wasted all of their budget. Luckily , I think that the budget was only about £17.25. Sci-fi You-tubers create better cgi on their home computers. School Christmas nativity plays have superior acting to the "acting" in this. It amazes me that movies as awful as this, still get made.

I recorded this movie as I like to fast forward the ad breaks. I found myself actually watching the ads as the acting and production values, was better than in the movie. You may wonder why I stuck with it. I do not think it fair to critique a movie if. I have not given it a chance to redeem itself. It didn't. Total garbage, from start to finish.

Staging Christmas (2019 TV Movie)

No Christmas Spirit At All

[2/10 · 1 December 2021]

Wooden acting from almost every actor in this movie The two leads are so unbelievable. The female lead has her hair pulled back into such a tight pony tail for much of the movie, almost giving her a facelift. The male lead must spend thousands on hairspray. I love Christmas movies but this one is really not worth watching.

My Adventures with Santa (2019)

Truly Terrible

[1/10 · 23 November 2021]

Awful acting. Some of the actors have had way too many trips to the plastic surgeon. More continuity errors than I ever thought possible. Absolutely nothing special about the effects and the sets are just not believable. I think that the budget for this movie was about £30 As somebody who loves Christmas movies, I would never watch this movie ever again. Don't waste your time.