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Eva, la Venere selvaggia (1968)
Complete garbage but compulsively watchable
A trashy Italian jungle adventure, with a mad scientist implanting radios into gorillas' brains, so they will do his bidding. The film is sleazy and slow, a kind of scummy imprint of White Africa in the age of decolonization. The bureaucrats have fled the continent, and all who are left are the mercs, the drunks, and the cranks. Too many scenes in a dive bar, too much footage from big game hunts, no point in the end. A perfect nihilistic Z movie.
Any nudity has been edited out of the American cut, making this trashy film even more pointless. The film is still plenty sleazy, though. Everyone sweats and snarls their way across the frame, and each new location looks grimier than the last. I think I caught beri beri just watching this movie.
And yet, the whole time, I was happy. I was entertained. There is nothing so sweet as a movie that plays completely beyond the bounds of good taste. A movie that DARES you to watch.
It deserves its rotten, budget DVD presentation.
Ulisse contro Ercole (1962)
Solid peplum entry
Ulysses, besieger of Troy, has angered the Gods with his heroics. They send Hercules (or Heracles, Son of Hercules in this American version!) to capture him! But the two fall in as friendly adversaries amidst bird people, troglodytes, and various intrigues. The bird people are creepy, dancing around and squawking in their desert/jungle wonderland. The troglodytes are the monstrous servants of a mad underground king, who holds court in a cavern bedecked with psychedelic frescoes and keeps a drugged up surface woman chained to his throne.
If that sounds enticing, then I recommend you follow through and watch this movie!
Hercules and Ulysses play off each other well. Ulysses is the smart, cunning commander, while Hercules is the proud strongman, but neither of them suffer for the other's virtues.
This is a rollicking film with plenty of action and a sense of humor that never falls into parody. As with the other Embassy releases, a goofy theme song has been added to make this a "Sons of Hercules" adventure.
Heracles: "I refuse to be sacrificed to a sacred vulture!"
Maciste contro i mostri (1962)
Goofy prehistoric bash: "It's Maxus!"
Another one of the erstwhile "Sons of Hercules" films by Embassy Pictures. This time the American dub turns Maciste into "Maxus," Son of Hercules. We get the usual super cool theme song tacked on by Embassy and a really goofy dub for Reg Lewis, who sounds like two different guys depending on the scene. And (owing to the crappy print quality) his ridiculous pompadour looks orange! All in all, a bizarre beefcake lead for this prehistoric adventure. This is old school cavemen stuff, with a papier mache volcano, foam boulders, and four, count 'em FOUR monsters - a lake monster, a multi headed hydra, one forced perspective monitor lizard, and a cave dragon! Not a bad haul! I love the dragons in peplum films. No fancy special effects processes, just a giant, immobile wood frame draped in canvas. Maybe the head(s) moves, and a little fire comes out, and then Hercules throws a stick at it and it falls over in all its inarticulate glory and some blood pours out the mouth.
This is one of those mythic peplum entries where the strongman ignores the boundaries of space and time to just go wherever the hell he wants in order to fight for what is right. In this case, Maxus defends a tribe of peaceful prehistoric sun worshipers from their aggressive, subterranean, moon worshiping neighbors. The peaceful tribe are basically a bunch of naive innocents, and Maxus runs around saving these dopey people from themselves. The action is spiked with the occasional monster highlight, and a third act volcanic eruption that plays as a low budget version of the climax to ONE MILLION YEARS BC, still four years to come.
You just can't go wrong with a fun film like this. It's cheap, it's cheerful, and Margaret Lee makes for one saucy cave dweller. By the time the theme song swells for THE END, you'll be blissfully humming along, awaiting the next adventure of THE SONS OF HERCULES!
Heed the words of Maxus: "Don't forget to defend yourselves from wild animals!"
Super teukgeup Majingga 7 (1983)
Enjoyable bad movie
Quiver before the might of the evil android Alfred and his mistress Helen! Thrill to the brave exploits of General Larry! Watch as the Mazinger 7 crew drag some children along into battle against the forces of darkness!
It's another cheap Korean knock-off anime, dubbed over by Joseph Lai and his IFD company. You know what that means. We start with the awesome IFD logo. And since it's a Digiview DVD, we get to see it twice - once before the trailer and then once before the movie proper.
What a movie. Bright, stupid, unbelievable. The plot is so generic as to defy specific description. But Alfred wants to conquer the universe, and only the brave Mazinger 7 crew stand in his way.
The dub is one of the worst I've heard on these Joseph Lai animations - I think only RAIDERS OF GALAXY's was worse. Everyone sounds like a special education ESL student - especially the blonde guy in the Mazinger crew. But maybe he was supposed to be German? Everyone either has a halting, uncertain cadence that undermines their dialog, or they shout their lines with declarative simplicity. The dialog is either totally inane ("I had a party once . . . it was so fun!") or just . . . what!? (the Orion King's babbling at the start of the film)
Alfred's blue bionic henchmen are the comic relief for the film. They dance, they pratfall, they get drunk and then dance and then fall down . . . and they stage a boxing match for Alfred. Even as a seasoned viewer of "bad" films, their antics brought a smile to my face. This film is above ironic enjoyment, "so bad it's good." This film is simply a bright stupid good time.
Consider Alfred, our lackluster antagonist. He's about as threatening as his name. And he's betrayed by his own mistress Helen, who then repents for her betrayal about 5 minutes later. I can't help but feel sorry for him and his mad little scheme to control the universe. And his lieutenant, Blackman, the blue booby with a dashing mustachio, who whips around corners with a comic little "swoosh." All these poor fools. The Mazinger 7 crew are little better. The girls barely have any lines or character, and it's mostly just Kent and Siperian (sp?) going at it in a battle of half-wits for leadership. With the terrible dub/dialog this is all pretty surreal to watch, like a computer's poorly coded approximation of human interaction. That basically sums up all of Joseph Lai's Korean animations: not films, but incredible simulations.
This movie is guileless, it is honest, it is cheap. It is worth $2 for the DVD.
L'isola del tesoro (1987)
Hidden gem needs an R1 DVD release!
If you've seen every other goofy Italian sci-fi flick and thought you'd exhausted the field, fear not! Here's EIGHT HOURS of Antonio Margheriti doing what he does best, compositing cool model spaceships with beautiful starscapes and familiar B-level actors, in an utterly unnecessary (yet glorious) updating of Treasure Island. Everything here holds together: the sets, the models, the props, the costumes, etc. This is no bottom-of-the-barrel cheapskate production! This is Margheriti's magnum opus, and the logical pinnacle of Italian SF - derivative, fast, and fun!
See it if you can! Unfortunately for us Americans, we'll have to make do with cruddy "grey- market" versions until (if ever) a real release comes along . . .
I guerrieri dell'anno 2072 (1984)
Punchy, sharp flick
Out of all of Fulci's films, this and CONQUEST get derided most frequently. It's a rather unfair reputation, considering the joys to be had from both movies if one is willing to suspend their more critical faculties. THE NEW GLADIATORS operates as a mashing of BLADE RUNNER and ROLLERBALL, with a neon skyline rising out of Rome's antiquities (there's even a giant flashing ad a la BLADE RUNNER) and a populace addicted to and placated by a non-stop stream of reality TV, with prime time fodder like Killbike! mopping up the competition. The personal dramas and motivations of the characters are uninteresting and sometimes unfathomable, though the actors are fun to watch, Fred Williamson in particular. The dialog is often laughable - "He's no murderer, he doesn't have it in him!" said of the main character, who is in fact champion of Killbike! and spends his first few minutes on screen murdering his competitors. The real interest is in the constant dropping of futuristic pop-culture and the filmmakers' invective towards the media. Fulci's cynicism and idiosyncrasies shine through, making THE NEW GLADIATORS a thoroughly watchable B-movie.
Gunan il guerriero (1982)
Acceptable Italian trash
Part of the fun of these Italian mini-genres is comparing and contrasting the various entries; it's also a great way to rationalize watching something like THE INVINCIBLE BARBARIAN. Compared to say, THRONE OF FIRE, it stands up pretty well (and Miss Siani gets nekkid in this one) and there's a timelessness to the film's idiocy that belies its Conan cash-in origins. 10 minutes after viewing it I couldn't remember any of the characters' names, but really, is that what these type of movies are about? No, they're about ancient prophecies and cruel despots and evil twins.
There's a decent amount of bloodletting, as well as some goofy Xena-style sword fighting (just whack the other guy with the flat of your blade). There's also a 'very' decent amount of nudity on the part of Sabrina Siani and much exposed skin from her Amazon sisters, which pushes INVINCIBLE BARBARIAN into watchable territory. The hilariously overwrought and (as typical) unrelated VHS box art of a scruffy (yet pensive) savage who looks nothing like any of the actors and a tiger that never shows up is just a sweet barbarian bonus.
Actium Maximus (2005)
Aims high, has further to fall
The DVD case reads, "With an intricate storyline not seen since The Dark Crystal, Actium Maximus is an ambitious and truly independent science fiction epic." Technically, that statement is true. The movie's ambitious, alright. Unfortunately, it's so independent that the budget is non-existent and the film ends up shooting itself in the scaly foot. The craftsmanship in Mark Hicks' sculpted landscapes and puppet armatures are diluted by the bad video quality and poor digital matting. Director Hicks, as Omni-Turor Axezun, looks like a jaundiced TV's Frank and delivers his lines with a mush mouth. Extras in rubber masks and robes wander around in front of a crudely pixel-lated blue screen. The robot dictator's dialog is delivered through clever subtitles that are in dire need of an editor and spellcheck. Thankfully, a few aspects of the film are purely positive:
The music is cheerfully cheesy and boisterous. The occasional in-film newscasts slip in sharp social commentary about a non-existent society. And Axezun's lady friend certainly knows how to wear vinyl. With more money this might've been a minor classic, as it stands Actium Maximus is a noble failure.
A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990)
Below the fold, the incredible secret of A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell!
SPOILER - like you care -
It takes place on another planet. The various monster creatures are therefore aliens, not dinosaurs ( and they're never actually called dinosaurs in the movie, ignoring the silly/stupid prologue tacked on by Troma). The human characters are the pitiful descendants of colonists from Earth, as revealed in the scene with the scarred guy showing Linda Corwin around the TERRA-1 compound.
I know, like any of this makes it a better movie.
Well for me it did. Considering this was shot on a Bolex, in New Hampshire, with no sync sound, the bits and pieces of back story certainly serve to make it a more interesting movie given its technical limitations. It sort of plays out like a short story from the 70s era of science fiction. And it was fun listening to Brett Piper on the director's commentary describe the old-school FX tricks he used, such as matte paintings and double exposures. It's also heartening to see someone still using stop-motion puppets in a movie. So consider me a fan of this weird little film.
Moon in Scorpio (1987)
I'd love to see the movie this could've been . . .
but I had to watch it as is. As is, it's awful. I can definitely buy that it was cut to pieces in the editing room, because the characters don't even get onto the boat until about 30 minutes in - the time before that being taken up by about three different, and inconsequential subplots that fail (in my opinion) to enhance the story one bit. And once they're on the boat, we get treated to the killer's ludicrous stalking about . . . seriously, you're on a small boat, why can't you 'hear' the crazy slasher coming? Once people start dropping dead, aren't you going to be a teensy bit more careful about everyone's comings and goings? And the 'Nam flashbacks are laughable. The peasants look like they're wearing day-glow rags, while the lush Southeast Asian forests are represented by someone's back forty.
To be fair, the cover art's impressive, although at least one of the screen caps on the back wasn't even in the movie.
Treasure of Tayopa (1974)
Unfortunately, does not contain the hit single "A Guy Named Sally"
Joking aside, this is a competently made, if rather low budget, thriller about a bunch of gringos (and Fillipe) who trek off into the Sierra Madres in search of . . . the treasure of Tayopa. Duh. Despite the cowboy hats and six-shooters it's less of a western and more of a '70s survivalist movie, with Trapani stealing the show as crazy ass Sally . . . though all of the actors are good, especially Rena Winters, who I could swear I've seen elsewhere, though the IMDb lists this as her sole credit.
Numerous spoilers follow.
After being introduced to our main characters the film jumps into a bit of back story, with "host/star" Gilbert Roland's narration accompanied by murals of the (fictional?) 17th century Tayopa mission, where Jesuit priests mined gold until they were massacred by Indians. Quickly enough we segue back into our tale, where, as already mentioned, Sally proves himself to be one messed upped mutha, coming on to Rena with increasing frequency and intensity, harassing Fillipe the guide, and locking horns with the ineffectual Stoppard. Along their merry way to Tayopa Sally murders some bandito types ("They pushed my horse - nobody does that" is a cheesy line, but Trapani made me believe it), resulting in the party being stalked by the ruffians' former employer, a sinister looking fellow dressed all in black. And he has a scar. But he's nice to his horse. Upon reaching their destination Sally snaps completely, attempts to rape Rena, kills Stoddard and Fillipe, and finally dies laughing maniacally, after his head is bashed in with a rock. The sinister fella only shows up to witness the aftermath. He is NOT the villain of the piece after all, despite what Mill Creek's product write up states. Really, most of the action centers on Rena and Sally, as individuals and as antagonists to each other. Rena shows herself as particularly resilient, at one point eating raw rattlesnake to stave off death, only after crawling out of a creek half-drowned and covered in welts. In her dying moments, she hallucinates (as I interpreted it) a priest, who offers her water. She dies. The end.
After all that unpleasantness, Roland again addresses the audience, restating his assertion that "Tayopa's past will continue to drive people to search today, and plan to search for tomorrow."
---Spoilers end---
Despite its low budget, Treasure of Tayopa makes good use of editing techniques and cinematography. I really can't see why it's as obscure as it is, or why nobody connected to it went on to bigger and better things.
Satan's Playground (2006)
Oh God . . .
What a mess. And I had good feelings, too, after the first five minutes. After a competent, simple POV attack scene I waited with baited breath, anxiously pondering what horrific form the Jersey Devil would take, what terrible possibilities a film like this could play with . . . and the monster totally dropped out of the movie. The next twenty minutes consisted of three people in a car being "dramatic". Still, I thought, ol' Jersey D can't be far away, eh?
No. I'm not even gonna lead you on anymore. After the "character" scenes the movie lurches into a load of bushwah about a psychotic backwoods family and a satanic cult, but you shouldn't bother taking notes, because none of it goes anywhere. At all. It's a completely empty movie, no motivation, no story, not even any scares. You could rearrange all of the scenes and it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference. And the Jersey Devil stays a POV shot the whole film. But hey, that's "nightmare logic" for you, right? Right?
No, it's crap, and Dante Tomaselli should be called out on it. A bad movie's still bad, even if you can wax philosophic about it on your commentary track, and a movie with no plot can't get away with "nightmare logic" (director's words) if there's nothing else for it to fall back on.
Kyôryû kaichô no densetsu (1977)
"Hold on, let me make up a legend . . . "
We've all heard that(paraphrased)line in a movie, right? When cattle/teenagers/homeless people start disappearing, and dammit, we need answers, who comes to our rescue? Yes, the lovably eccentric wise Native American/discredited scientist/otherwise dubious "expert", with a tailor made "legend" or "fable" or even, if the writers were ballsy, a "report" concerning just the matter at hand. But what does our brave hero do? Well, actually, most of the time he goes along with it. But the AUTHORITIES now, they don't believe that ballyhoo, do they? No. They will pay. Or, in this movie, hippies will pay. With blood. With buckets and buckets of blood.
Consider this movie's "legend"... well, there isn't one, really. But there is this undisputed scientific fact: "If there's a pleisiosaur, there must be a pterodactyl!" There, the voice of reason. And if it's a 1970s Japanese sci-fi, hippies must die. Godzilla vs the Smog Monster. That movie about Nostradamus. And that one with the meteor... Japanese SF of the '70s was a veritable smörgåsbord of reactionary nihilism.
Boy, do hippies die in this one. If I remember correctly, after two hippies play a prank on some other hippies having a little festival, the diving suited clods get dragged under by Nessie. Unless the pterodactyl got 'em. It was a long time ago. But I remember dead hippies, a dead horse, and an apocalyptic climax that almost perfectly complements the end of The Land That Time Forgot.
Watch it as a double bill with The Last Dinosaur... in which feminists AND chauvinists get their comeuppance!
Whiskey Mountain (1977)
Charlie Daniels, the King of All Media
"Music and lyrics written and performed by Charlie Daniels"... 'nuff said. Just don't be expecting anything along the lines of "Devil Went Down To Georgia", ol' Charles sorta talk-sings through one song early in about the Whiskey Mountain (duh) and that's it for lyrics. Hey though, fans of arty rape scenes will get a kick out of the Polaroid montage (my second-hand copy is classified as a FAMILY film) and who doesn't love interminable scenes of rednecks gawking at purty wimmen? The box art made the movie look a hell of a lot weirder than it was, with the promise that "you can lose your life-- or your mind!", but mostly it's two couples trekking through the sticks and "acting" natural. Love that hermit.
Star Worms II: Attack of the Pleasure Pods (1985)
Pulled from a time warp on the other side of the galaxy, it seems.
That would be the only way to explain how such a disjointed and lackadaisical movie could possibly rise above the sum of its parts and draw me in like this one did. Everything about this flick screams '70s Del-Rey paperback, from the plot-saving narration that bookends the beginning and end to the not entirely thought out story elements and the total anti-climax... and the implication that you've been dropped into an ongoing saga. Can you say "Wookie"? I can. Can you say, "Lesbians in space"? Hell yeah! All in all it's not so much a movie as a 'moving picture', that is, the way the 'plot' flows and the characters interact make it seem like you are experiencing the film vicariously. Which you are, but usually movies try to be as 'realistic' and 'immersive' as possible, while this one simply presents its self for what it's worth.
An experience rather than a movie, I say, and one worth having.
Screamers (1995)
Stands for its own self.
Really, I mean that this is a self-contained movie; it sets up a premise, a backdrop, characters... and manages to deliver. The grainy/gritty look of this film is really commendable, and instead of just saying "Killer robots!" and putting it on autopilot the filmmakers kept throwing little bits and pieces of creativity out there. Peter Weller is perfect for his role and develops great repartee with the greenie who tags along with him to... some pretty nice matte paintings. Budgetary constraints aside the movie looks good, the spaceships look good, the robots look good, and this is simply the kind of unified enterprise that doesn't get made with $100,000,000 and Bruckheimer producing (what is it with the Germans? I mean, Devlin and Emmerich and Bruckheimer?). So watch it, it's enjoyable and competent until the last 15 minutes.
Space Mutiny (1988)
"Railing kill" indeed...
In the words of that wonderful jerk Lloyd Kaufman, "make the damn movie!" And so they did. And lo, it was craptastic. And lo, thus spake the Video Gods, "what manner of 'film' is this, with its ripping off of stock footage from a rip off of STAR WARS, with its truly bold disregard for narrative or irony? What 'film', indeed, could reach as high for cinema glory and yet fall so far, landing with the same wet SLAP as an anonymous henchman, thrown by cruel fate from a high place, over a safety railing and onto the cold hard concrete of a star cruiser's deck!?" And the Gods realized, it was no film, it was a SPACE MUTINY, a mutiny in space, a title in search of a movie in search of a purpose.
And only by seeing this... 'film'... alongside its spirit-brother YOR THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE could the Video Gods or the viewer grasp the heady funk that permeates the film stock, that saturates Reb Brown's being and inundates the wall mounted keyboards and smothers the awesome "Enforcer" fleet. Only by seeing, could they disbelieve.
"No!" they cried, "This is low budget garbage! It has no right dressing up in someone else's space battles, in using someone else's industrial complex! What wyrd spell did the creators cast over John Phillip Law, that he would overact so grievously? What half formed fever-dream produced the bodacious 'Bellerians' and the grungy Galcti-Disco!? We demand explanation! We demand accountability!" But there was none to be had. The director and the producers, the editors and the best-boy and the clapper, had sunken into the depths of creative obscurity, yet there was no stopping the SPACE MUTINY. Like a wounded beast it flailed onto the video shelves, daring to be watched, daring to be endured... daring to be mocked by a lonely man and his puppets. Explanations, reasons, themes or resolution, all had no place in this movie's galaxy. Only ham-fisted acting, dubious editing, and half-baked monologues reigned. And so it shall be, until the future comes and the prophecy of the Bellerians, of the SPACE MUTINY, is borne out. Amen. Amen to Kalgan and to auto-reloading bazookas. Amen.
Endure the SPACE MUTINY. Be prepared.
Prison Ship (1986)
"Five the hard way"
SEE. . . John Carradine, in a cameo even more pointless than the one from ICE PIRATES. SEE. . . footage from DARK STAR and BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS repetitively incorporated into the proceedings. And DON'T see any T&A, beyond the lovely Ms. Brooke's two (just two?) topless shots. Yep, it's a 'women-in-prison' flick, in space no less, that doesn't work in the communal shower, or the kinky pecking order, or any degrading 'initiation' rites. What a shame. What a shame indeed.
At least Ross Hagen's in it, wearing Jared-Syn's old body armor. And I got a kick out of the 'episode' titles... a junky below-B-movie that gives its self dramatic structure, now how often do you see that? About as often as promised but undelivered sequels, which is to say often enough.
"See the continuing adventures of Taura in- CHAIN GANG PLANET!"
Or not.
The Land That Time Forgot (1974)
Weird, Surreal Potboiler
I have fond memories of this movie from a VHS copy recorded off the TV, so I was very happy to see it out on MGM's Midnite Movies DVD series. Doug McClure is a reliable everyman, and I like him in this sort of stuff. It helps that he's backed up by dependable character actors who were actually cast to FIT THE PARTS, and yes, I think the acting in this film is good, right down to silly old Ahm... too bad about his pointless death scene, though. Really, the two best supporting characters are Dietz and the Captain... Schoernhortz or Schornverts or something suitably Teutonic. Indeed, after all the dinosaurs and cave men and FX trickery, the movie's two high points are:
1) Dietz on the U-boat shouting ashore "Goodbye Mister Tyler, Goodbye!" and "Auf wittersane(spell.?)" although in his accent it comes out "Gudbye Mistah Tylah, Gudbyeeeah!" and "A-veeterzane!".
2) Schoernhortz, semi-conscious in his quarters, crying out "Leavfing? Ve are Leavfing!?" as the U-boat chugs towards freedom... but it was not to be.
These two moments alone are worth price of admission, but there's plenty more where that came from.
The People That Time Forgot (1977)
Monsters and Stars of Yesteryear, with a dollop of strange.
Wow... where to begin? How 'bout by saying that THE PEOPLE THAT TIME FORGOT is the purest form of '70s "Love Boat" style casting mixed up with some plentiful, if not entirely convincing, special effects, and that this film represents the genre of cheeseball SF in all its questionable glory? Doug McClure, Dana Gillespie, that cowboy dude who was related to somebody, they all traipse across the screen and shout "Gawddammit!" and have heavy monologues with an intensity akin to Shakespeare's MACBETH... instead of an obscure adaptation of one of ERB's less remembered stories. But it's all good fun, especially the pilot guy who does his hash marks with five lines and THEN a dash and treats pterodactyls with the same ornery attitude he'd give crows in his cornfield. He looks like the type to have a cornfield. And TREMBLE at the fury that is "confused 1970s gender commentary" and "barely simmering sexual resentment"! I'd be resentful too if the other woman was Dana Gillespie and I'd been playing the 'headstrong hair-in-a-bun' type too long.
Very briefly, Doug McClure's character (who got left behind in movie #1)has got a buddy who sets up an expedition to find the lost continent of Caprona and save ol' Rawhide. There's the prerequisite gang of SF stock characters including the frosty professional lady and the salt-of-earth mechanic along with the scientist and McClure's buddy... who he knew in the war or something. Nuff said, their plane crash lands beyond the ice mountains, stranding them in Caprona where they find puppet monsters and evil cavemen. No, not evil, just misunderstood. Eventually the party picks up a cave babe and finds The Mountain Of Skulls where McClure has grown a beard and been imprisoned, in that order. The Naga Samurai Type Guys will sacrifice the ladies and execute the men-folk unless Rawhide and Wayne can two-fist a way out of there. Which they do. But then they get chased by a volcano. When's the last time you saw anything like that?
Check it out. Dana Gillespie had (cough) personal relations with David Bowie, and here she is waving a Bowie knife around. Coincidence? Most likely, yes.
The women are attractive, the dinosaurs are nasty, the plot moves along fast enough and you get unexpected samurai action- though I just revealed the presence of said samurai... spoilers... oh well, the whole thing's weird enough to warrant a look, especially for someone not used to that sort of thing... weird dinosaurs, I mean.
The Ice Pirates (1984)
Not 2001, But You Knew That
"Ice Pirates" is one of those strange, twisted sf epics farmed out in the '80s after the success of "Star Wars" by people with a better sense of humor and more imagination than Lucas (he ripped off every Nordic legend and cultural/subconscious stereotype in the book, people!)but far less money (I know, "Star Wars" was a low budget flick). With the "Ice Pirates", it shows. And it's great. Without much moolah for special effects the writers had to, well, write, and the barrage of one liners/tete a tete/general tomfoolery make the "Ice Pirates" a good movie to watch over and over. Plus, the FX are pretty good for looking pretty cheap. Other notables:
Ron Perlman- my favorite bit actor, he's very... annoying in this film. And he lisps. And his hand gets chopped off. Which is worth catching. Along with the rest of the cast - wow!
The pimpbot.
The castrato factory that looks like the bottling plant where Laverne and Shirley work.
Michael D. Roberts reminds me of Richard Pryor... but Robert Urich's no Gene Wilder.
The sheer amount of STUFF that gets packed onto the screen... "Trespassers will be violated"!? A disembodied head!? Ninja Fightin' Robots!? And of course the space herpes. And the unicorns. And the very un-PG double entendres.
The creeping sense that the writers know more about classic sf than they're letting on, what with the "7th World" (duh...), the greenhouse palace, the playing around with time warps, and the seamless dropping of ideas and references.
Favorite bit: Sweetwater and Lankey Nibbs. Love that name! Love that chair!
Primal Force (1999)
Retro Cheese-Fest
Say what you will, but this engaging and cruddy little film has at least one major thing going for it- Mr. Ron Perlman, the hardest working, most underrated man to cruise the B-movie circuit since Brad Dourif. Plus, it's got a delicious monologue from the requisite mad scientist.
"Radical? I will show them 'radical'!" As modern TV movies go, Primal Force is more of a throw-back to an age when even the loosest, most derivative stories were set to celluloid with an intense determination and the utmost of integrity...no cheap shots or meta-jokes. Films like Alligator, Island of the Alive, and, of all things, Re-Animator had the same sort of consistent internal logic... and the tour-de-force acting styles of Michael Moriarty and Jeffrey Combs compare to Perlman's attempts at rising above the material. It is a modern movie, though, as the slightly irritating, music video style quick cuts and bwaa-bwaa electric riffs very quickly make clear. Aside from these minor quibbles and typical low budget continuity problems, Primal Force carries its modest concept cleanly through beginning to end, trying as hard as it can to make the material fresh and interesting. I've seen much worse on the Sci-Fi channel, anyway.
Anyone who enjoys '80s style nature-gone-wild flicks should take a look at least for Perlman.