mikestaley78 Reviews

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

I don't really know what to say???

[1/10 · 19 April 2010]

Wow, I don't really know what to say about this one...It's beyond awful, nearly unwatchable...yet I did bust out laughing at a few scenes....Mainly where the main characters friend consoles a sad classmate who then in turn gives him oral pleasure, then spits out his "happy ending".........while he still sits on the toilet smiling...I kept screaming BLUMPKIN at the screen, but evidently that was out of line even for a piece of trash like this. Then of course later where the same character rips a fingernail off???? Then super glues it back on???? WTF was that? Then later on he pulls his pants down and squirts a giant wad of pus out of his....you know... The gore I don't mind, its funny and pointless as in most gory flicks, but this movie was ridiculous..from the token hot guy banging the fat chick in the pool, to the oddly angry janitor who pisses in the punch, then bleeds into it. Then without ten minutes to spare the movie, it just kind of ends...and there is no real ending, just a bunch of random animation crap with no firm conclusion, which scared me in the sense that it left open the door for yet another sequel and if someone actually put this crap out, the chance of another one is not that far fethced! The only redeeming factor of this debacle is the holdover from the original, Guisseppe Andrews playing the character of Winston who loves to party, and chase "beaver" around. The fact that the top billing went to Rider Strong of "Boy meets world" fame was a misnomer.....He was unrecognizable and was hit by a bus within two minutes of the movie starting, good for him! A favorite of mine Judah Freilander of 30 Rock fame was really wasted in this movie, and I hope he was nicely compensated for subjecting himself to this....In closing, there are some funny comments, but they don't save this turkey

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Arguably one of the worst movies ever

[1/10 · 22 January 2010]

I don't even know where to start. This "movie," although I don't believe it deserves to be called such....is worthless. Literally 86 of minutes of my life that could have been spent watching paint dry, getting a root canal, or having my privates smashed with a sledgehammer would have been infinitely more enjoyable than watching this filth. The problem has to be the "hype" surrounding the movie. The only thumbs up I can give the movie is the fact that they had their minions out there promoting this movie to the hilt. I personally heard numerous people call my favorite morning show, Eliot in the Morning in DC to vouch for how scary and excellent this movie was. Well, I for one bought the hype and paid my 1.06 to Redbox to complete my Friday night. Well, this ruined my Friday night.....The problems abound, but here's a short synopsis.....

1. Weak Weak Story...no character development, horrible acting, no story...

2. NOT SCARY!!!!!!!! if you are scared by this....no comment, you already know you are pathetic

3. Ending????? Oh yeah there was none.....after being subjected to 86 mins of noises, doors slamming, sleepwalking, and many other lame stunts, the male lead gets tossed at the camera by his girl and then we are told that he was found dead by the authorities and his girlfriend was never found...PLLLLEEEEEASSSSSSSEEEEE!!!!!! What a crock! In conclusion this movie was one of the worst movies I can recall watching, and yet like a moron I finished it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, sensible people do not watch, you will definitely regret it.......

Rachel Getting Married (2008)

Promising story, ruined by an Idiotic blend of people

[1/10 · 1 April 2009]

Sorry, don't want to offend anyone or seem un "PC" but this movie is nuts. It is a good enough premise, rich gal ends up in rehab after years of abuse and is released so she can attend her sisters wedding. This has promise, and then it is just blown to shreds by super weak story that never explains ANYTHING!!! We are lead to believe that Anne Hathaway's character "Kym" (who the hell spells it like that anyway?) is a pill abuser as she mentions it a few times, and because of this she is high and drives her little brother off a bridge and he drowns. That basically is all the back story we get on her cycle of abuse. We are never told how long this went on, how it affected everyone, or any other important background info to really make us care about Kym. Now, if that is not bad enough it only gets worse from there. The wedding takes place at Kym's fathers home in Connecticut, however the level of diversity at the wedding is ridiculous and annoying. First off, Rachel is marrying Sydney who is black. That's fine except the wedding has a Indian motif which is odd being that Sydney is black and clearly not an Indian. But that does not stop the wedding party from wearing Indian inspired clothing, what the hell is that all about? And the fact that no one touches on the fact that this is bizarre makes it even more annoying. Then we have of course a wacky Asian couple to increase diversity, along with a wandering band that is constantly playing at all times. I loved it when someone finally told them to stop, that was the best part of the movie. It was about time to shut those idiots up. Then we of course get to the wedding that continued this circus from hell. The wedding was crazy with all ethnic groups represented except hispanics which is hard to understand as hispanics are the largest minority group in the US now. Then we treated to a vast array of wild and wacky world music. Now, not to sound racist, but if someone from another country saw this they would think this is how the US is. Well, it simply isn't. Most families have some multi cultural aspects to them, but this is ridiculous. The truth is, most people in the US would agree that this family is weird and the wedding was even weirder. I could go on and on, but what is the point? This movie is too long, too boring, and a waste of time with no ending. Nuf said.

Be Kind Rewind (2008)

this movie sucks, it is terrible, it is horrible, it sucks

[1/10 · 14 July 2008]

I am stunned that so many people are writing good things about this movie on this sight. The movie has no point, no ending, no laughs, oh and did I mention no plot? The movie is broken up into several parts, which make no sense. For instance jack Black's character attempts to sabotage a power transformer and gets electrocuted yet does not die. Then he inadvertently wipes out Danny Glover's movie collection because he is magnetized. They then refilm these these movies and give them to people and tell the the movies are "sweded", whatever the hell that means. There also is another part of the story where a famous jazz musician used to live in the building so because of this Danny Glover needs to keep the business running. Later in the film Jack Black takes a whole bottle of aspirin, drinks water and salt, and then pisses away(literally) his magnetic power. This review is hard to even write because the movie is so useless and retarded. There is nothing more I can say about this piece of crap except stay away at all costs, unless you are a complete retard who likes crappy movies that suck.

I'm Not There (2007)

I was there....but I wish I was not!

[1/10 · 8 May 2008]

I won't go into much detail about this piece of trash, except that it was a piece of trash. I love Bob Dylan and have read plenty about him and know about the many facets of his life. This film however was horrible. It was basically two plus hours of gibberish and pointless scenes. There was no plot, no point, and little enjoyment except for the wonderful music of Dylan scattered throughout. I expected a semi biography of Dylan, but instead got nothing of the sort. In less you like two hours of movies that make no sense, stay the h away from this movie. It was terrible, awful, stupid, pointless, lame, annoying, boring, did I mention terrible? Oh yeah if you have not guessed I hated this movie.

No Country for Old Men (2007)

Horrible ending sunk the whole movie

[1/10 · 7 April 2008]

I was told before I watched this movie that the ending sucked. Well, I never could realize how awful a movie ending could be. The movie was moving at a good pace with "the good guy" Josh Brolin evading the silent psycho killer Anton. It was a cat and mouse game and the viewers were left ultimately rooting for Brolin even though his character had no real depth and we never really got a feel for him. That was what was really wrong with this movie, it had a bunch of random characters that were not developed, and we didn't care about them. Take the always awesome Woody Harrellson. What the heck was he doing in this movie? We see him come into an office and crack some jokes with a guy behind the desk and then he starts tracking the "bad guy" to supposedly stop him from slaughtering more people. Well, he finds Brolin in a hospital in Mexico and ten minutes later he gets killed sitting in a hotel room. Pointless role, and it served no purpose. Then just as you feel the movie is coming to a conclusion, we see Josh Brolin lying dead in a hotel room with like 25 minutes left in the movie. The rest of the movie consists of Tommy Lee Jones (who I love)engaging in pointless conversation about dreams, etc. Then the movie just rolls the credits! I was stunned that this movie was able to win best Picture. But I guess it follows along the lines of other sucky movies that win Best Picture. I was happy last year when a good movie like "The Departed" won for once. I recommend you to stay away from this one at all costs.

Death Sentence (2007)

What the F**k was this?

[1/10 · 23 February 2008]

Well I don't even know where to start with this one. The plot starts off good. Prodigal son of a successful businessman is killed in a heinous gang initiation, so daddy starts offing the culprits to avenge the death. Sounds good right? Well I thought so to until I sat through this piece of trash. I thought the first 45 minutes were good and then this multi-car pileup got out of control. Here is my summary of what was wrong with this movie. Where is this movie set in? The son mentions at one point in time about going into the city for something and they do this. So then he gets murdered and the same cops who investigate this murder also are protecting the family at their home. Common sense tells us that police jurisdiction ends at the "city" line. However the same cops are involved the entire movie whether they are at the hospital when Kevin Bacon's family is wiped out, or when he gets in a crazy chase that culminates in a gang member getting driven off a parking deck in a car. Then we get to the matter of the cops not really caring that Kevin Bacon is murdering people or that the gang is stalking Bacon. The ending of this piece of trash gets pretty funny really and it is not meant to! Actually I am wasting my time sitting here writing this as this movie is a total joke. Who would have thought that a movie with Bacon and John Goodman would be so awful. Bacon did his usual good job and Goodman was a waste in his role and they were the only reason I gave this a chance. Please, trust me this movie is a waste of time and I am shocked that anyone can say with a straight face that this movie was even watchable. This movie proves that even great actors have bills to pay too and sometimes have to work to get by. Please stay away from this at all costs!

Halloween (2007)

Destroying a Classic!

[2/10 · 23 September 2007]

I like a lot of viewers had high hopes going into this movie. Usually I am a Rob Zombie fan, as he has made some good horror flicks in the past. This however was not one of them. I agree with a lot of folks that the back story on Mikey's upbringing made him seem human and not as scary as the original. The original Michael never uttered a sound except the disturbing breathing sounds uttered from his mask. This character talked for probably the first 30 minutes and actually was kind of funny when he was talking to Dr. Loomis. He seemed like a dorky kid who one day started slaughtering every person he encountered except his mother and baby brother? sister? I thought it was a boy until the plot developed further. When he grows up he is ridiculously huge and looks like a member of Slipknot. From here the movie really begins to derail badly. Shamelessly ripping off lines from the first movie, quick sex and even quicker violence is only half the problem with this movie. My personal favorite was the Ben Trammer reference from the first movie that was thrown in there for obvious comic effect. Where Rob Zombie really failed in this movie was how Laurie Strode was portrayed. In the original Jamie Lee Curtis was a sweet, naive girl who was scared to talk to boys and had an innocence about her. This incarnation of Laurie Strode is your typical high school slut,and ultimately we don't care if she lives or dies. My least favorite part of the movie was the darkness of it and the insane fight scenes between Mikey and Laurie. For like the last 30 minutes they are fighting in what seems like pitch black. I understand what Zombie was trying to do, but it was annoying. Because of this, the viewer really did not know what the hell was going on. Laurie was in the walls, the ceilings, the fence and the whole time Mikey was jabbing his knife or stick into these attempting to kill her. It was hard to even see what was going on. Then the movie has a false ending and then really ends. Who cares at this point? What a shame. My high point of the movie was seeing the lovely Danielle Harris topless for about ten minutes. All in all this movie was a waste. Poor story, bad coloring in the film, although nice topless scene with Danielle Harris. Preceed at your own risk.

Pride (2007)

Janitor comes out of retirement to lead the way

[7/10 · 18 September 2007]

This movie was about a former swimmer (Terrance Howard), who helps instruct some inner city youths how to competitively swim. I know we have all seen this movie before(Remember the titans, Coach Carter, etc.), however this one was above average and enjoyable. I sometimes have problems with these types of movies relying too much of the script on the racial aspect of it, but in this movie I did not have that feeling. There were a few instances of bashing the white man, but it was not overdone and did not take away from the heart of the movie. The big story here is the superb acting of Terrance Howard who really makes this movie with his portrayal of swimming coach Jim Ellis. Yes, the constant tearing up got cheesy, but his heart was in the right place and he did a good job nailing the part. Loved Bernie Mac as always, and the five actors who played the swimmers all did a good job. Tom Arnold is great and we all love him, just not in this role. The role needed to be played by a hard nosed actor who could play an A**hole real well. I was half expecting Tom to start cracking jokes and being fun like he is on the "Best Damn Sports Show Period." He carried the part well, I just was not buying it BECAUSE IT IS TOM ARNOLD!!! My other gripe with this otherwise good movie was the storyline with the neighborhood drug dealer. I find it hard to believe that after Jim Ellis beat this guy and his boys down that nothing else happened with this storyline. Sadly in the real world too many times in a situation like this, the guy will come back for revenge. We all read about this in the news way too often about senseless violence and murders. Other than that, if you are interested in watching a feel good movie with some decent actors, I recommend watching this movie.

Slow Burn (2005)

Usual Supsects Ripoff

[1/10 · 12 September 2007]

I must say I just finished watching this movie, and what a waste. I agree this movie had some great actors (Ray Liotta), and a decent plot. However, I lost interest in this movie after a while and was just waiting for it to end, and did not really care how it ended. The usual suspects ripoff was evident in that there was a crime lord, in this case a Danny Ludden, as compared to the Kaiser Sosa of Usual Suspects who nobody had ever really seen. Yeah right. This movie tried to tell us that the Danny Ludden character owned property all over "the city", which they slipped and called Detriot once, and controlled a gang that ran Detroit, and no one had ever seen him. Wow, this is an amazing concept. Meanwhile the Assistant DA who Ray Liotta is banging is intertwined within the movie as a rape suspect/murder suspect who is thought to be black, but is really white. Is the viewer to believe that in this day in age in the US there can be an Assistant DA in a city like Detroit who is using a false identity and no one catches this? Oh well, don't waste your time, watch the Usual Suspects for a decent movie with a good plot.

Tweek City (2005)

A horrible film,,,,,,with some good one liners

[2/10 · 27 August 2007]

I had the displeasure of wasting my time with this movie over the past two days. It is a mess of a movie that stars Giuseppe Andrew who this writer knows best as the "party man" from Cabin Fever who basically wanders around having hallucinations and random run ins with different people.It is presented as a drug movie, but he only occasionally smokes a little meth. I was expecting constant drug use and speeded up commentary. The film jumps from what looks like standard filming to shots that appear that they were made with a camcorder and it is not pretty. The movie did have some memorable one liners such as "It's a blow job, it's just a mouth on a d**k." Or the memorable scene where the main star Bill is hallucinating while having sex and then vomits all over his sexual partner. She in turn defecates on his chest while he is sleeping. I am simply laughing while I am writing this review, as the movie is so ridiculous. I say watch the first hour of this movie for the one liners and gross out humor and then turn IT OFF. The ending is horrible and is not worth waiting for.