mtaeger Reviews

5G Zombies (2020)

I took the time to watch this and...

[1/10 · 6 September 2022]

DONT. Just don't. I can't tell what exactly this movie is. It "seems" like an anthology film all based around "5G Zombies". Only reason I say this is all the various stories have varying levels of quality. The most annoying of all the stories has to be the social media influencer story she is incredibly annoying and acting unbelievably atrocious. This film also unapologetically used a scene from the remake of Resident Evil 2. This movie is fear mongering at its finest. I honestly can't tell if this is a joke. BUT! I can tell you that there is a few unintentionally HILARIOUS moments. This whole movie says a whole lot of nothing for the runtime. They just repeat themselves over and over. Like someone who sucks at improv. It literally is a complete waste of time and looks like something that SHOULD have been buried at the bottom of YouTube. My hope is that some director wanted to make a movie but quarantine happened and he commissioned a bunch of amateur filmmakers to make a short film based all around the same concept. Doesn't and couldn't make the film any better.

Jezebeth (2011)

Hot Topic... The movie

[2/10 · 5 September 2022]

Where to start? Bad camera work, bad audio, next to no budget (which is fine), and no acting talent anywhere. This movie is from some 13 year old who saw a Mushroomhead music video and said "I can do that". This movie tries to be edgy in the worst ways. The intro to the movie is so long it is obvious it's just to pad out the runtime, same with the end credits. ADR is horrendous to put it lightly. The narrative doesn't make any sense whatsoever and everything just happens just so it can happen. But this movie will make you laugh even though it doesn't intend for you to do so. Watch....but watch it high.

Slayer (2006 TV Movie)

"Lots of blood"... You mean water with red dye?

[3/10 · 5 September 2022]

This movie is a complete mess. Beginning to end there are little or no breaks in the "action". But if CVD is in it it has to be watchable.... Nope. They skimped on everything and I know where the entire budget went for the movie, the final villain costume. Which admittedly for the budget this film likely had was "sort of" impressive. The vampires in this movie aren't vampires so much as blood sucking monsters. They follow no conventional lore of what a vampire is. Aside from drinking blood. The worst part of the movie is the fact that there are no breaks to tell a real story. In reality it's much like most cheap martial arts movies. Fighting and bloodshed tell the story or pad the runtime. Makeup is horrible for the run of the mill vampires. Most of the vamps wear masks or other face coverings. Most likely to hide the fact they use the same stunt actors over and over again. It's boring and a hard pass as far as me recommending it for someone to watch.

Jurassic Prey (2015)

I have a handycam and the brain of a 5 year old

[1/10 · 5 September 2022]

I have brain damage from this. Going down the list of the worst Tubi has to offer I came across this. This movie looks like a 5 year old kid got a hold of a handycam and made this film. Full of nonsensical dialogue, over exposed shots with non existent color grading or just very poor color grading. The only thing exposed "fine" are interior shots. You could get a dinosaur from dollar tree that is more convincing than the puppet they use in this film. The soundtrack, if we can call it that, is a drunk man on a Casio keyboard. This movie has no right to exist... But it does. The stop motion for the dinosaur is like something from the 1930s but way worse. 3/4 of the movie in they stop trying with the editing and looks more like a rush job compared to the beginning of the movie. Don't watch.

Frankenfish (2004 TV Movie)

It has its moments.

[4/10 · 5 September 2022]

This movie is schlucky and has some mediocre acting, but it has some practical effects in it that are decent. This movie, by no means is going to win any awards on either side of the aisle. But it's fine. The name of the movie doesn't fit the creature which is a bit of a gripe. Unlike most movies of the time, especially SyFy channel movies, this/these creatures can be damaged and even killed with conventional weaponry. Where as many movies like this pushed strait to TV usually made their creatures invincible to conventional weaponry. The CGI is acceptable for the movie that it is and the time it came out. If you're looking for a movie that plays in the background, you can't go wrong with this.

Call of the Undead (2012)

7/10 for the dub making it unintentionally hilarious

[7/10 · 3 September 2022]

"Chloe" for like 10 minutes on a looping dub track. This movie is nothing but awful. It's has boobs... Lots and lots of boobs. The dialogue it's brain meltingly dumb. I can't help but think this would be better subbed but that may be because I wouldnt be able to tell just how dumb people sound due to the language barrier. ADR is all over the place, audio mixing is non existent. A low budget movie no matter the country it's in can work if the effort was put in. No effort, besides financial effort, was put into this movie. Apparently it had a name change or two. Obviously to capitalize on COD Zombies. But this is a movie, not a game, and I don't believe too many people would be tricked into thinking they adapted COD Zombies into a movie.

Shark Side of the Moon (2022)

What do you honestly expect.

[4/10 · 3 September 2022]

You have a movie with a name like this. Produced by The Asylum, world famous for their mockbusters and terrible b movies. You have to expect that the movie you're watching is nothing more than background noise. This movie had me more annoyed rather than laughing. The animation, while I didn't have high expectations to begin with, were stiff and all over the place. It looked like they got the 3d model assets from the person who mad Trump VS The Illuminati (also on Tubi). Like most Asylum films it's full of cheap out of nowhere deaths and meaningless sacrifices. There are no stakes at all in the film. The color grading on the actors is the worst I've seen in their filmography so far (haven't seen them all, I'm sure there's worse). The green screen is headache inducing. If you know what you're going in for you'll have an okay enough time, but I feel this is just another attempt to make a "so bad it's good" movie on purpose, and that never works.

Little Women (2019)

Memento Meets Period Piece

[4/10 · 3 January 2020]

I don't know what everyone else on this site saw but it must have been a different movie. I am a huge fan of the 1994 Little Women. I did what I could to scrub my mind of the past movie to try and experience this movie with fresh eyes. This movie had more jump cuts than an action movie, in this context I mean with all the flashbacks from the past to present. It was all over the place and in no chronological order so anyone could make sense of. If I hadn't watched the previous film I would have absolutely no idea what is going on. These jump cuts also are a disservice to the pacing and emotions needing to be conveyed in this film. You couldn't get attached to any of the characters. It's a brilliant cast, and excellent cinematography but I feel its all wasted on the structure of this film.